Struggling and frustrated — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Struggling and frustrated

I am struggling with how to be/feeling like a good father and husband. I feel a disconnect between me and my wife. My wife is overwhelmed with being at home all day every day. I try to encourage her everyday and tell her to go and do something for her and I'll stay with the baby but she is unwilling to do it. My encouragement is met with apathy. I try so hard but to no avail. There is desire for sex or physical interaction on her part. I am losing confidence that I am able to help her to feel positive. I do not feel like I am attractive to her anymore.
She had a hard pregnancy and tough long labor. I think we are scared that we will get pregnant again and we have 5 month old currently. I love my LO so much. I play with when I am home. I feel sad when I have to leave him. 
At the moment, I am the only one working outside the home which make for a tight financial situation. I feel like I can't do anything. No pit stops by the gas station for a coke and something sweet, no snacks, nothing. I am losing my social skills.
I am sure this is the part where I need to man up and just deal with life but I am tired, frustrated, and as the usual encourager of the family, I am empty. 

Any suggestion/comments on this
  

Re: Struggling and frustrated

  • I don't think any of us can fix your problem, but I wish you good luck. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. It sounds like your wife doesn't want to leave her baby right now. I'm sure someone else can go into that further. Maybe instead of offering her encouragement or offering to watch the baby, maybe just ask how her day was and see where that leads you.

    The first 6 months for us were the hardest and then it slowly got better. So keep hanging in there. Not sure where you live either, but winters are hard to get through. Winter blues and all.

  • Make a family calendar. Plan social activities with your friends and block off "alone" time for her with her friends. If it's on the calendar and there is a commitment to someone else, it's more likely to be fulfilled.

    Five months is a tough point. Your little one is much more aware and probably not afraid to express disappointment and anger, but no where near old enough to express their emotions rationally. It will get better, but it sounds like you and your wife need to manage your time a bit more closely to make sure to allow you both time to be individuals, not just workers and parents.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
    futant462
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  • The first six months is rough for all of us pretty much.  I know it is an adjustment for us dads to go from being the only number one with our wives to taking a back seat during that first year.  I am very self assured and confident, and it took me a minute to get used to the new family dynamic.  Everyone tells you life changes after a baby, but they never tell you all the ways, and the areas that are effected.

    Sometimes, during that period, we just have to take control of the situation for the good of the household.  One way to do that is to just take the boy one day for a few hours to give the wife some alone time in the house.  Whenever I sensed that my wife was starting to get a little wild, I would take the boy, go grab lunch somewhere, and take a walk at the mall or something.

    I don't think that we, as men, will ever truly understand the level of energy and focus that mother's have for their newborns that first year.  And I think that at times new mother's are so focused on the baby and house that they forget to take a moment for themselves.  My wife always felt so much better after a few hours of alone time.  Sometimes she would sleep, sometimes she would clean, sometimes she would watch a movie.  But she was free to be just her, not her and the baby, for a few hours.

    It is a time of transition for both of you, and your son.  Recongnizing that, and finding ways to take some of the pressure and stress out of it, is crucial.

    image

    [Deleted User]
  • I should also point out that around 6 months is when they start sitting up. Them being able to do that is what the turning point for us was.
    LuckyDad
  • And just to keep it real, after this infant phase, you get the toddler phase.  You will miss the infant phase, somewhat.

    Fucking toddlers...a whole new challenge in patience, watching your adorable, innocent infant turn into a demanding brat!

     

    image

  • jandj94 said:
    I am struggling with how to be/feeling like a good father and husband. I feel a disconnect between me and my wife. My wife is overwhelmed with being at home all day every day. I try to encourage her everyday and tell her to go and do something for her and I'll stay with the baby but she is unwilling to do it. My encouragement is met with apathy. I try so hard but to no avail. There is desire for sex or physical interaction on her part. I am losing confidence that I am able to help her to feel positive. I do not feel like I am attractive to her anymore.
    She had a hard pregnancy and tough long labor. I think we are scared that we will get pregnant again and we have 5 month old currently. I love my LO so much. I play with when I am home. I feel sad when I have to leave him. 
    At the moment, I am the only one working outside the home which make for a tight financial situation. I feel like I can't do anything. No pit stops by the gas station for a coke and something sweet, no snacks, nothing. I am losing my social skills.
    I am sure this is the part where I need to man up and just deal with life but I am tired, frustrated, and as the usual encourager of the family, I am empty. 

    Any suggestion/comments on this
      
    dood - i feel your pain.  
    I had a lot of helplessness, fear, anger, even resentment for awhile and its really, really hard to deal with on a daily basis.  As far as your wife goes, her body is going through a bunch of crazy shit right now.  Mine is the same way - we have a 4 month old now and she still doesnt want anything to do with my man-parts.  She, like your wife, is going through tons of hormonal changes and sometimes encouraging just feels like you're pushing and the more you push, the more she isnt going to want to do whatever it is you're asking.
    If you can, get her a massage or a day at a spa or at the very least play hooky some day take the kid and see if you can arrange for her to spend the day with one of her best friends.  She is going to want to vent and hang out with her friends as well.  Build up a little community of support, hell even have a bunch of people over for a BBQ or something just to pass the kid around so that you dont have to deal with him every second.
    As for how you feel, I would say find something physical to do.  Join a martial arts gym if you can and strengthen.  try to get an hour every other day or so to work on your body.  work on your body and your mind will follow.  with a new baby its really hard but its true.  the body needs movement and ever trauma to stay healthy and that will stimulate your mind.
    believe me, if you do it right your wife will notice.
    hang in there man!  there are lots of us that are struggling, we just have to stick together!
    image
  • And just to keep it real, after this infant phase, you get the toddler phase.  You will miss the infant phase, somewhat.

    Fucking toddlers...a whole new challenge in patience, watching your adorable, innocent infant turn into a demanding brat!

     

    Toddlers can be the cutest and the worst people ever. And that's before you think about teething.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • You're doing everything right at this point and keep on doing it.

    I agree with just taking him for a little while to give her some alone time. If she is not on board with that, what about having someone she trust (her mother, your mother, sister, ect) come by and hang out with the baby for a couple of hours and camp out with the baby in another room in the house so she or the two of you can spend a little time away from the baby.

    Hormones are still raging in her and she might need a little help separating herself from the baby for a little while, even if it's just for an hour.
    Proud 40 year old, first time daddy!
  • Hang in there. It's going to take time...it's only been 5 months. Try, as a family to go for walks, go to a free exhibit or picnic, but in the interim give it time and be as present as possible. Good luck dude.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    LuckyDad
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