So pissed...

JBDamonM · February 2014

Bear with me. I am on my IPad

Last Friday when I picked up LO at daycare her teacher made casual mention of birth-3 (early intervention).....and how she had a child just like LO (not moving)....and it worked in just three weeks. I pretty much ignored her comment. Tonight when I pick her up, her AND the director make a mention of it again. Telling me how it will help her with moving and they start asking if we are interested. Um - I'm not going to sugar coat it. What the fuck??? Again - what the fuck????? Yes, DD does not crawl, but according to my pedi (ya know - A DR.) she should start pulling up And cruise between 10-12 months and walk btwn 12-14. So yeah she's not behind on anything. And he (again MY DR.) wasn't concerned about the lack of crawling. I am livid with these comments. And only wish I processed it better and gave them my thoughts on the spot. If you ask me this is a ballsy comment coming from them. I am so upset that the people who (sadly) spend more time with DD than I do clearly think she has a problem. But I am more perturbed with the idea that they want me to instill in my daughter the mindset of you're not doing good enough so let me get a bunch of therapists for you to make your right, even though you're not even technically behind yet. Am I overreacting? I have a lot of autism in my family, so truthfully I may just be freaking out.... Either way I am so disheartened

bes12 · February 2014

My DS goes to a private sitter that previously worked at a daycare. She's only been sitting at home for a year now. She over exaggerates a lot to both me and my sil. It took us a while but we've finally determined to take everything with a grain of salt. I mean she's told me he eats too much, he drinks too many ounces a day, he doesn't sleep when she wants him too, oh and he refused to do tummy time (he's pulling up and walking around as long as he's holding on so obviously that didn't affect his development). Just got with what your doctor says and ignore the rest.

ClandestineX · February 2014

In all honesty, if I were in your position, I would calmly state that I appreciated their concern, but since neither you nor the doctor are worried about her.. you will just do what you've been doing.

I can see where some people have it in their mind that they are helping when they suggested things like this. I can understand too that sometimes it keeps reminding you that people -might- think your baby is behind. Though trust the expert, which is her pediatrician.

Autism is a serious thing, but there are a lot more things to look for than just movements. Like is she smiling at you? Does she respond (even vaguely) to her name? Etc. I know it has been said before, but there are just some kids who learn things that you cannot measure from the outside. Who knows, she might be the first of A13 to bust out in a sentence before all others when they are a bit older.

JBDamonM · February 2014

@clandenstinex - yes, all emotional (if that's the right word) cues are spot on. She smiles. She laughs. She engages. She even "talks" with her "friends at daycare. So I know I was a little presumptuous with that statement and I apologize if I offended anyone on the board. Not my intent. I was really heated though. I feel totally blindsided, and essentially why? Because you think I should get intervention to help her learn how to crawl. That is essentially 100% what they are saying.

suedell · February 2014

As a former teacher who often had to suggest to parents that there was something they might want to look into, I can honestly say they are probably just looking to help. If I saw something that concerned me (as a teacher) I always said something. Sometimes it was nothing, sometimes it wasn't. A lot of first time parents are clueless and you obviously are up on it, but I am sure they encounter lots of parents who are not.

My older son had physical therapy and EI for 1.5 years for gross motor delays and he is amazing now (he's 4). You would never even know anything was up when he was a baby. Don't freak out but assume they mean well, keep an eye on it with your pediatrician and vent on here

danuli8 · February 2014

That is complete bull. I'd go with ClanX's suggestion of "I appreciate your concern, but her doctor feels she is doing just fine, and so do I" along with a big eat-$hit smile. She'll get the message.

JSS1002 · February 2014

I am sure they have NOTHING but good intentions but I would be bothered too... instead of getting too worked up about it (because I know you like them and they give your DD good care), I would just say "thank you so much, our doctor isn't concerned, so I think we will pass, but if we change our minds, I"ll let you know."

ARJ6511 · February 2014

I would be really irritated, too. Just say that her DR. isn't concerned and give a fake smile.

Some babies don't even crawl, so jeez.

JBDamonM · February 2014

Thanks for the feedback ladies. I've calmed down but I just felt so blindsided by this discussion. I do like my daycare and think they are excellent, but I have always made it a point to keep the lines of communication open with them and just felt like they jumped the gun on this one. I am going to REALLY work with her over the next month and stay on DH to do the same and if she is still not moving at that time then I will reevaluate. I did say NO and I'm pretty sure they are well aware they struck a cord seeing as I was almost crying. I know their intentions are good but it stung a bit and truthfully made me feel like a bad ftm.

La Olivia · February 2014

suedell said:
As a former teacher who often had to suggest to parents that there was something they might want to look into, I can honestly say they are probably just looking to help. If I saw something that concerned me (as a teacher) I always said something. Sometimes it was nothing, sometimes it wasn't. A lot of first time parents are clueless and you obviously are up on it, but I am sure they encounter lots of parents who are not.

My older son had physical therapy and EI for 1.5 years for gross motor delays and he is amazing now (he's 4). You would never even know anything was up when he was a baby. Don't freak out but assume they mean well, keep an eye on it with your pediatrician and vent on here

I work in Special Ed and behavior analysis and this is exactly what I was going to say. Just tell them that your doctor is not concerned at this point. They will in all likelihood back off.

OhSewCrafty · February 2014

I'm sorry you're upset, but I'm going to vote overreacting. Suggesting EI doesn't mean they think LO has autism. Honestly, I'd be happy that they are aware of EI and all the great things it can do for kids - not a lot of people know much about the program.

Also, as a side note, the way you're talking about EI is kind of offensive. Charlie spent a year in physical therapy for gross motor delay (wasn't sitting himself up by 10 months, not crawling by 12 months, etc.) and it wasn't me "instilling the concept that he wasn't good enough." His pediatrician kept telling us that things were normal while his daycare director expressed concerns. We moved to a new area and within one visit to a new pediatrician, he was signed up for EI. I'm not saying that is the case for your daughter, but if you are so eager to discredit your daycare providers, whom you're supposed to trust, that is a problem.

Your near visceral reaction to Early Intervention services has more to do with your taking it personally than them saying it. A care provider mentioning EI is not "ballsy." Its their job. If you don't like it, tell them that you don't want any information or interpretation from them about your child and leave it at that.

And yes, some babies need help just to learn to crawl. Or walk. Or roll, eat, talk, dress themselves or whatever mundane activity that you think should always come naturally. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them or their parents.

CanukMam · February 2014

I vote overreacting. I wouldnt want to discourage them if have feedback about my child, even if I may not want to hear it. It sounds like they have a concern and are also suggesting a solution. You don't have to agree but it does show that they are paying attention and care about your child, both great things.

MKC12/22/2006 · February 2014

I am a teacher and my mom was a preschool teacher. We both have had to have tough conversations with parents at times. I am saying this to give you what might be the perspective of the daycare workers. It is really hard to tell a parent that her child may need some extra help! It's not done lightly, at least in most cases. I am not saying your LO needs EI, and I have no way of knowing, but those teachers spend lots of time with your LO and lots of others. Their opinions have weight... just to politely point out what their perspective on this might be.

sherina825 · February 2014

I'm going to agree with the other educators that were adding insight. As a special education teacher, I have this talk with parent more than most. The teachers at the daycare not only have interaction with your child but other children in their age range so they know what is considered to be normal based on other children. Although, not all situations are absolute and they probably had no idea that you have conversed with your doctor about concerns. In addition, I'm going to hope that they didn't just base their opinion to say something to you about your child possibly needing EI on just the fact that there is no crawling yet. Instead of being defensive, you may want to ask if there are any other motor issues that they are seeing that you may not know to look for.

And just for the record EI doesn't equate Autism Spectrum Disorder. Very few of my students with diagnosed ASD receive occupational or physical therapy, or any kind of fine or gross motor interventions.

keado · February 2014

I agree with the others who are encouraging you to have a conversation with your provider as to other motor issue delays.

My first daughter was full-on walking by nine months. However, as the months and years passed, it was very (very) clear that her coordination was NOT on par with other children. I was that mom on the playground making sure she did not fall off the platform when she was 2.5. She had some big falls and multiple ER trips for stitches. I did not seek help until her teacher addressed it with me one day. Just like you, I couldn't help but feel defensive, like I had failed her somehow. Long story short, we did some things to get her through it, and finally last year (around 4.5) I felt like she was (mostly) caught up with her peers, as did her teacher.

I mention this not because it sounds like your daughter has a delay (she sounds very bright and engaged

A friend gave me this advice when I was going through this and freaking out - we are the ONLY advocates our children truly have at this age. If something is wrong, instead of blaming ourselves or getting upset, we need to calmly address it, and don't hesitate to get them help! Its really (really) hard as a first time mother to not feel defensive, but it does SEEM like they were trying to help.

kgs0505 · February 2014

My pedi actually DID suggest PT for my girls at their 9 month appt because they were barely sitting up and definitely not crawling. Daycare never said a thing.

The pedi and I talked about it and decided to hold off for now. They are now 10 months and still not crawling. They have progressed a lot in a month, but I am more concerned now. One of them however is starting to move herself forward, kind of gets up on all fours and throws herself forward, but the other just does the superman pose and screams in frustration, like she's trying to get herself to levitate. So, although I really don't want to do the PT thing, I'm thinking they may just need a bit more of a boost, and we can learn exercises we don't know to help them progress. I do feel they have been working more on fine motor skills and verbal skills, but they are certainly delayed on gross motor skills.

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