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milb11 · February 2014

I haven't ever really posted much but I just want to vent and hopefully find someone who can relate. Sorry so long...

We lost our son Elijah on January 20th at 30w3d. On January 19th, I hadn't felt him move all day so the doctor told me to drink something cold and sugary and if I hadn't felt him move to come in. I stopped by the gas station on picked up an Icee hoping that would get him moving but no luck. As my boyfriend and I sat in the lobby waiting to be seen, I started to cry. When we were finally seen, the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat. She called in the doctor with an ultrasound machine and he confirmed there was no heartbeat. My little boy was gone. I was induced shortly after and gave birth to my little man at 7:23 pm the next day. He was beautiful. He had a head full of black hair, big brown eyes, his dad's nose and my lips.

The Friday prior (just 2 days prior to finding out he was gone) I had gone to the doctor for a regular check-up. She had a hard time finding his heartbeat but she said it was because he was being stubborn and moving around a lot. She finally got him pinned in a corner and got the measurement and said everything was fine. I got my results from my gestational diabetes test back that day as well. They were all good. I left the office with not a concern in the world, at least not for my baby. In fact, the doctor's kept telling me there wasn't a mark on my chart, that my pregnancy was going perfect.

My boyfriend and I were not trying to get pregnant. We conceived after the use of Plan B. I was pretty upset when I found out. Despite being almost 30, having a baby wasn't in the plan yet. I wanted to be married first, have money saved, etc. It took me a while to come around, but eventually I got excited about my little boy. Needless to say, at 30 weeks I was just looking forward to meeting him.

My boyfriend was previously married and had experienced 2 losses (I think 7 weeks and 18 weeks) with his ex-wife. He mentioned this to the doctor while I was in labor and she suggested we do an aminocentesis for diagnostic purposes. I had known about the losses he experienced but he told me the doctor's had attributed it to incompetent cervix. He worried a lot throughout my pregnancy, especially the first trimester. I always thought he was way too over-protective. Everyone always talks about risk of loss during first trimester, but loss after 30 weeks....neither one of us saw that coming.

After his delivery, the doctor said she saw a couple blood clots on the placenta that could be indicative of plancenta abruption. We also opted for an autopsy. I got those results back last week prior to the aminocentesis results. Other than the clots noticed by the OB, there was nothing indicative of why Elijah died in the womb. I received the aminocentesis results back last week also. Elijah had Trisomy 21. We hadn't done any screening tests earlier in the pregnancy because frankly terminating wasn't really an option. If he would have made it full term and been born with Down Syndrome we would have loved him anyways.

I have so many different emotions right now.

I'm hurt and angry. I feel like God is playing some sick joke on me. You give me this child unplanned, after emergency contraceptive and when I finally come around and get excited about being a mom, you take him away!?

I feel relief. Did God know that caring for a special needs child would have been more than I can bear so he chose to spare me from that?

I feel guilt. Guilt for feeling relief based on his diagnosis. Guilt because I couldn't save my son. I couldn't protect him.

I feel betrayed. By my body who couldn't carry a baby just 10 more weeks. By my doctor's for giving me this false sense of security.

I feel anxious. Anxious about everything. Anxious about my relationship with my BF. All the statistics say couples break-up after something like this, and lately I feel like I am definitely a statistic. Anxious about every being pregnant again and experiencing another loss. Anxious about going back to work and facing everyone.

I'm jealous. Everyone around me is pregnant or having babies. My boyfriend's friend just had his son on my boyfriend's birthday. Although I had deleted my Facebook account after Elijah was born, I logged back on when I heard the news. He had posted a video of the baby crying and I just broke down. I never got to hear Elijah cry. I would do anything to hear him cry....I don't know how to be around these people who get to hold their child and I'm just sitting here without my son, emptied armed and broken hearted.

I feel like a burden. To my BF, to my family, and to my friends.

I'm sorry to ramble. This post doesn't even scratch the surface of everything that is going on in my head right now. I just don't understand why this had to happen to me? I feel like I had this false sense of security in life. I hear everyone say "Life sucks" but hadn't really experienced the suckiness yet. I guess I thought I was immune...boy was I wrong.

Noethola · February 2014

***Siggy warning***

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, Elijah. A lot of what you are feeling is very normal. Even with unplanned pregnancies, getting your child ripped away is a very traumatic and devastating loss.

The pain, guilt, hurt, anger and jealousy are all very real, very normal, and very hard to deal with. It is not right for a parent to lose a child. And it is so very hard to be reminded of our loss when we see other's with children.

Please be easy and gentle with yourself and your SO. People deal with loss so differently, that it can be a factor in breaking people apart. But it can also make your relationship stronger. It is hard work, but not necessarily impossible. If you feel it tearing you apart, seek out grief and couples counseling to help you communicate.

Again, so very sorry for your loss. Please use this board however you need to. Big ((hugs)).

neptunebljc · February 2014

I agree with @N oethola

All of the things you are feeling are normal. Losing a baby is hard on everyone. Have you looked into a grieving counselor? I went a few times and it really does help.

I am sorry for your loss.

bunnybun4 · February 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. All of the feelings you are describing are so normal and things most of us have all gone through and still go through from time to time...please be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve. ((HUGS))

kz's_girlygirl · February 2014

I am so so sorry for the loss of your son, Elijah.

Like previous posters have said, the emotions you are feeling are real, valid, and completely normal. Allow yourself the space to go through whatever emotions you need to, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your SO.

After our son died, DH and I definitely grieved differently. You can still support each other and the process even if it doesn't look the same for both of you. Reaching out to this board and to an IRL support group really helped me work through some of my emotions that DH just couldn't.

I will be thinking of you, and hoping for peace during the weeks and months ahead.

stefuge · February 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your little Elijah. Our little boy was born still at 32 weeks due to a placental abruption. I also noticed he wasn't moving and when I got to the doctor, they couldn't find his heartbeat. We were also not trying to get pregnant when we conceived Colton and were quite shocked, but we love him so much and miss him daily.

Losing a child is a horrible thing and I am so sorry you are having to join this club. I agree with PP that some sort of grief/couples counseling might be helpful. MH and I did grief counseling together and it was really helpful. He is grieving very differently than I am and that is okay. We have had to talk it through and accept that even though we are each grieving differently we still miss our baby boy and we will get through this and support each other together.

The ladies here have been an incredible source of support for myself and please know that we are here whenever you need us.

CRUN2012 · February 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your post reminded me a lot of myself when I lost my baby boy at 26 weeks after not feeling him move. It is suspected that he too had DS but this was not confirmed as we didn't do any of those initial tests. All of the emotions you describe are very familiar and very normal. Its basically a rollercoaster and all you can do is hold on and ride it out. Please know that all of the ladies here are very helpful and supportive and know that you are not alone.
It sounds like you have a very real grasp on yourself right now and that is awesome. Continue to assess your needs and be kind with yourself as this is a process. We are all here for you!

angelsnight · February 2014

Ticker warning

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Your emotions are very familiar to me as I think I went through them all too....anger, confusion, the why me questions, guilt, etc. I would never wish this pain on anyone, but I always questioned why so many other babies made it but not mine. Why were we given a taste of happiness, but then had it taken away?

I'm sorry you are worried about your relationship....I thought about that too when we first went through it, but not everyone ends up a statistic. MH and I are not perfect, and years ago if I had imagined going through this, I would have assumed we would have split because of it. But we were the only two people on earth who knew exactly what the other had been through, and it brought us closer. Yes we did grieve differently at times and it was hard, but the key is to never stop talking to each other, and to respect each other's grieving process.

MH never cried...I know there were times he wanted to, and I could feel him clenching and tensing up so hard during the funeral...whereas cry was all I did. He often seemed happy on the outside, or at least well pulled together, but I knew he wasn't. Sometimes it was hard to see him appear so ok, but I had to accept that this was how he was grieving, and I saw little things he would do that spoke volumes about how he was feeling inside. Don't be afraid to lean on each other. Big hugs to you!

cawettig · February 2014

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Elijah. Like pp mentioned what you are going through is completely normal. Counseling helped DH and I understand how we were each dealing with the grief. We were scarred of being one of the statistics also, however it actually brought us together even more and he is my rock. There will be days when I wake up and look at him and remember how Arianna had his hair, she had his fingers and toes. When I feel his feet against me at night I think of how she had his feet. It makes me feel more connected to him. DH and I are the only ones who will truly remember her and continue to love her even though she is not here.

DH told me in counseling how he refused to cry around me. He said he would do it at night with the lights off or in the shower. I was so mad at him prior to him telling me this because I never would see him cry. I thought he didn't care about her like I did, I thought how dare he! He told me also in counseling how he was keeping it together for me. He knew I needed someone strong to lean on because I was a wreck. With us talking about how we were feeling I was able to understand his grieving process and I also told him how I needed him to cry with me.

We were not planning on getting pregnant with Arianna either. We found out Arianna had an omphalocele and were given the option of terminating the pregnancy. I stayed strong for her and fought for her. I refused to give up on this child because she wouldn't have a normal looking stomach and would need more care with feeding and some surgeries. I was struggling the entire time dealing with PTL and hyperemesis the entire pregnancy. Why did all of these other women get healthy babies and an easy pregnancy? I was fighting so hard for her and it was not fair that they get to have "normal babies".

I couldn't believe it when the doctor told us that her heart had stopped beating. Why would God put us through all of this? I will never know.

Big hugs, we are here for you

mmsweeney1 · February 2014

** ticker warning **

So sorry to hear about the loss of your son. As I was reading through your post, it felt like going through a checklist of my own feelings when I lost my son. You put it all into words so well. It should help to know that everything you are feeling is completely normal.

I particularly struggled with figuring out what "lesson" God was trying to give me from this. Everyone will say this happened for a reason, but what could the reason possibly be?! Was it something I did to cause this?

My husband and I also went through a really low time - a month or 2 after he was born, after it had sunk in and we lost the constant support after everyone else went back to their lives. Just stick with each other and remember that he feels every bit as bad as you do. Now I agree with another poster that we are closer than ever because our son's death has affected the two of us the most. Only we can get how the other one feels. Of course others in our family are sad, but this was OUR son.

Finally, I 100% understand your jealousy feeling. Why does it seem like every other woman just has a happy pregnancy? They get to naively count down the days without even knowing all the bad things that can happen.

I feel for you. Your loss happened only a few weeks ago, I hope you find healing in time. We'll be pulling for you here!

MCH77 · February 2014

I can relate to so many parts of your post.

We discovered I lost my son Timothy on Jan 15. I was 24w.

They feel I lost him bc I contracted a virus called CMV. Many children that contract this can be born with a range of disabilities, some VERY major. Though I work with kids with special needs, I'm not sure I could have handled a child with severe needs. I think that, than I feel guilty.

I'm sorry you are going through this. ((Hugs))

VyD81 · February 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I completely understand your emotions.

I lost my son at 29 weeks, and he was diagnosed with IUGR because the placenta was not sending him enough nutrients. I think he probably would need extra care. I didn't do an autopsy so not sure if he would need any surgeries. Sometimes I feel at peace that he didn't have to suffer, and also feel that it was so unfair.

I definitely understand the jealousy, why do so many women can have easy pregnancies and go on and have their babies when I can't have mine.

The ladies on this board and support group help me, I also go to therapy maybe it's something you can look into.

milb11 · February 2014

thanks everyone for your kind words. i wish this pain on no one and i am SOOOO sorry that each of you have to experience this as well. i'm just trying to make sense of my life right now. i'm off of work for 6 weeks from work. i go to the gym each day and counseling once a week. otherwise i sit in a ball on anxiety about my life.

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