Lurker/Intro/Vent

MRSCORKER · February 2014

Hi ladies! I often lurk but have never posted. My fiance and I are getting married this fall, I will be 30 and he will be 35 when we tie the knot. We both want kids and talk about our future "nuggets" often. We've decided to start TTC as soon as we find/buy a house and get settled in after the honeymoon which will hopefully be around this time next year. I'm not in much of a hurry but we've talked about having 2 little ones and he has expressed not wanting to have children well into his 40's so we're going to try and get a jump on things.

The other night I asked him if he would ever consider adopting if, for whatever reason, we couldn't conceive. He said that, yes he would like to adopt and then added "Honestly, I'm pretty sure I have little to no swimmers anyway". He's expressed in the past that he thinks he won't be able to get me pregnant and his only basis for this is that he has never had a "pregnancy scare" with anyone prior to meeting me and his ex never got pregnant even though they only ever used the pull-out method. I've dismissed these remarks in the past but this time it really hit a nerve. It won't change anything between us if we can't conceive naturally and I've told him I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I guess it just hit a little closer to home hearing him put his doubts out there now that we're engaged and starting a family is closer than ever. I've always thought I might adopt some day whether I have my own or not but now that I have "my person" it's hard to imagine not being able to carry his child and have a baby that is half him.

I feel slightly crazy even worrying about this when we aren't even married yet, it's just been on my mind and I felt like I needed a place to get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening

dogperson11 · February 2014

Time to relax a bit. You have absolutely no reason medically to think he has a low sperm count. If you're that worried about it get him tested (which will be costly). Silly to speculate when he's never actually tried to impregnate someone.

MRSCORKER · February 2014

You're completely right, we have no medical reason to think we'll have an issue. It makes me feel better just hearing someone tell me I'm being silly.

Thanks!

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

There is no real reason to think that he has issues with semen quantity/ quality just because he has never had a pregnancy scare that he knows of (meaning he's never been in a relationship where the woman verbally acknowledged she was afraid she might be pregnant.)

I haven't looked into this in a while, but I think with *perfect use* the pull out method is like 80% effective. Please don't quote me on the number, but it's my understanding it's pretty effective (with perfect use, that is). Someone please correct me if I am way off base.

Anyway-- I just wanted to tell you to calm down a bit. You are worrying yourself probably for nothing at all.

carabassa27 · February 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

I haven't looked into this in a while, but I think with *perfect use* the pull out method is like 80% effective. Please don't quote me on the number, but it's my understanding it's pretty effective (with perfect use, that is). Someone please correct me if I am way off base.

Since you asked for corrections...according to the planned parenthood website, with "perfect use" the withdrawal method is 96% effective. With imperfect use, it's 73% effective. (ETA - although, if you're not successfully pulling out then...well then you're not using the pull-out method.)

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method-4218.htm

So it's in the same range as condoms when performed accurately, and is therefore no reason to get worried if it hasn't resulted in pregnancy.

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

thanks @carabassa27 I knew the % was way up there. Hopefully that will put OP's mind at ease.

Also, when they say "perfect use" I assume they just mean that this method is used for every sexual encounter-- and not only some times during the month. BC otherwise you are right!

mysticl · February 2014

My husband and his first wife didn't have any children and they tried to conceive. He was pretty sure he couldn't have kids. We have a 17 month old.

It took my parents almost 7 years of marriage to have me (I'm an only child). We were married 14 months when we conceived. DH deployed less than 3 months into the marriage and the timing was right before he left with his crazy schedule leading up to deployment. When he got back we had 4 months of kinda trying followed by one month of really trying……which worked.

In other words don't worry until you have something to worry about.

Kristinmo · February 2014

I never had a pregnancy scare and we (stupidly) used the pull out method for awhile when we were dating. We had no issues conceiving.

Cart way before horse on this one.

gogadgetgo · February 2014

Kristinmo said:
I never had a pregnancy scare and we (stupidly) used the pull out method for awhile when we were dating. We had no issues conceiving.

Cart way before horse on this one.

This is me too. And both kiddos were conceived for us on my first month of charting both times.

Relax and don't create problems.

HopeAlive3 · February 2014

First of all, congratulations on your marriage that's just around the corner! That's so exciting.

And I'm so sorry you're feeling that concern... I know that thought might be hard for any woman who wants to have the opportunity of carrying her husband's child. If I were in your shoes though, I wouldn't be worried about it. You have a lot on your plate right now preparing for marriage, without having the extra stress of feeling anxious about this.

That's so sweet that you're thinking of adopting either way! I really admire people who are open to doing this...and I know that no matter what, you're gonna be an amazing mama someday! ((HUGS))

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