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June 2013 Moms
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Sister vent

bexbarkerbexbarker member
edited February 2014 in June 2013 Moms
Edit: Cliffsnotes version-- My younger sister is horribly irresponsible and wants me to just be happy for her or she gets mad at me. I don't know how to be happy for her, but ultimately I know it's none of my business. 

I know I'm new here, but I can't vent about this IRL without backlash, so I am just going to vent here. My sister. She's a mess. She's 22, six years younger than I am, and no matter what she does, she just can't be happy. She has two little boys, 3 and 1 1/2, who are very sweet. She has an an and off again fiance, and they currently live in Indiana. 

They are REALLY bad about moving. They move constantly and in the worst possible way. Their first place together they broke the rental agreement by moving out with eight months left on their contract and never paid for it. They then moved to a decent little house in a small neighborhood, owned by a friend of the fiance's boss. This was just a bad idea because they are really, really bad with their money, so they were constantly behind on rent, which caused friction with the boss. Then they decided the place wasn't big enough (actually, the owner decided he was tired of them not paying, so he told them to move out), and they moved into a modular home in a modular home park. It's quite big, but now they're not happy there. 

I guess the vent is that no matter how irresponsible my sister is, she expects me to just "be happy" for her when she's making stupid decisions. Example: though the fiance doesn't have a drivers license and neither of them have car insurance, they bought a used car at one of those horrible buy here pay here places with weekly payments. They proceeded to drive the car without insurance. Then one night the fiance hit a deer, totaled the car. They can't afford to get it fixed (no insurance), so they just have to keep paying each week on a car they can't drive. They also purchased furniture from one of the rental places, and when she decided she couldn't afford the couch anymore, she just stopped paying because "they'll just come get it, which is fine." 

I just don't understand her. Now she's convinced that she wants to move closer to home and get a job (which means she assumes my mom will take care of her two kids for her). So even though they're under contract with this modular home, she's starting to pack because she's decided they're moving to Ohio. Neither of them have any job prospects here, and they're just going to live with my mom for "a few weeks" until they get things in order.

I guess I don't have a point--I'm just venting because when I tried to list a couple concerns for her to think about (how expensive moving is, especially out of state, the job market, child care, etc), she got angry and said I should just be happy for her because she's making what she wants happen. How do I answer that? I'm not happy for her. I wish she could be more responsible and grow up a little bit, but I know it's none of my business in the long run. Anyway, thanks for reading this book--I'm sorry it got so long!
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Re: Sister vent

  • WasNotWasWasNotWas member

    I have a sister who is also 6 years younger than me and it's really hard not to mother her, which it sounds like you are doing a little.

    You don't have to be happy with her (poor) decisions. You both are old enough that you don't really have an obligation to each other. If she is stressing you out, maybe distance yourself from her? I know it's hard, but think of yourself at 22...

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  • bexbarkerbexbarker member
    WasNotWas said:

    I have a sister who is also 6 years younger than me and it's really hard not to mother her, which it sounds like you are doing a little.

    You don't have to be happy with her (poor) decisions. You both are old enough that you don't really have an obligation to each other. If she is stressing you out, maybe distance yourself from her? I know it's hard, but think of yourself at 22...

    You're absolutely right---I'm totally mothering her! Ugh. I guess old habits die hard--I was her primary care giver while my mom worked several jobs after my dad died. Thanks for that--I hadn't thought of it that way. Her decisions are none of my business!
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  • bexbarkerbexbarker member
    @elmoali I love that. It says exactly what I'm feeling. Thanks!
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  • cafecremecafecreme member
    Why don't you tell her like it is? You have 6 more years of experience than her. If I had an issue with something my sister was doing (shes 22 too), I'd tell her like it is. 

    IMO, if they're really that unstable and irresponsible with their money- they'll end up staying at your moms for more than a few weeks. I say at least 6+ months, until someone intervenes and either gets them upset and they leave, or they get kicked out. 

    Sorry about your situation. I know how frustrating siblings can be! 



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  • bexbarkerbexbarker member
    @beary+ghastly that's what I'm so often tempted to do, especially when she texts or calls with these announcements about another strange decision. But in the long run it doesn't matter if I'm older. If I "tell her how it is" all that will result in is making her angry at me for a while--it won't actually make her see that her decisions are bad, ya know? 

    I know you're right about the money situation. It's not going to be good, and it will likely result in an awkward situation when they can't move any time soon out of my mom's. But while I can be frustrated about her decision making, I can't really force her to see that it's bad decision making.
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  • cafecremecafecreme member
    bexbarker said:
    @beary+ghastly that's what I'm so often tempted to do, especially when she texts or calls with these announcements about another strange decision. But in the long run it doesn't matter if I'm older. If I "tell her how it is" all that will result in is making her angry at me for a while--it won't actually make her see that her decisions are bad, ya know? 

    I know you're right about the money situation. It's not going to be good, and it will likely result in an awkward situation when they can't move any time soon out of my mom's. But while I can be frustrated about her decision making, I can't really force her to see that it's bad decision making.
    Don't you love how siblings push the wrong buttons, even though they don't even know they're doing it? A few years ago there was tension between me and my brother, basically because of his fiancee. I couldn't really say anything to him because well, she was going to be part of our family, whether I liked it or not. In the end, things got a lot better, and my brother AND sister have been really great this last year or two. Btw, brother broke up with his FI and now about to marry another woman, who I love. I guess the only thing you can do is live your life, and once it starts affecting you or your family, then step in. 

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  • bexbarkerbexbarker member
    Yeah, I know it isn't really affecting me. She has asked to borrow money in the past, but I don't really have any to lend (other than $20 for groceries here and there). It's hard for me to know my nephews need food and she's spending the money she borrowed on cigarettes, alcohol, and her fiance's recreational pot use. I know it's none of my business what they spend their money on, I just thought she would grow up some after having her babies. Instead she just lives in this world where everything will be better if only [insert new situation like moving to Ohio here].
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  • TheTamedShrewTheTamedShrew member
    edited February 2014
    I have a sister who is 27 and acts like she's 17. We are very close, but I have stopped trying to mother her and just keep my mouth shut when she makes stupid decisions now. I used to give gentle advice, but she never listened and I got the same "be happy for me" bullshit. I have accepted that she is who she is, she isn't going to change, she has to grow up and learn from her mistakes, and I am not her mother. After I realized these things we were able to find a good place with our relationship. Thank god her and her SO don't have any kids though. I can't imagine *shudder*
    She is the most absent minded, irresponsible person I know and annoys the absolute shit out of me a lot of the time with her choices, but I love her like crazy so I've learned to let it roll off. Now I just vent to DH about it.
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  • DencasaDencasa member
    I have a sister like that. Only I'm 6 years younger then her. She's going to be 38 and her group of friends are all 22/23. She too makes horrible choices which in the end my parents are always bailing her out. I always tell my mom Stop helping her or she'll never learn. They always say they will but always end up helping her.

    I've learned to give a shoulder to cry on a place to vent but no longer give advice or my 2 cents.
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