Ugh--doubly embarrassed: DH Vent

martha919 · February 2014

Well, we just finished up Millie's first birthday party and everything was smooth except for my DH being a dick. He barked orders at me a couple of times (in front of my parents and our two best couple friends) and kept making comments about how I no longer "allow" him to do work at home (because we recently had a fight about how all he does on the weekend is camp out in his office).

I am so effing tired of his bitching. There was a spray bottle of Shout lying on its side in the cabinet today and he said to me in front of SD "you CAN'T just PUT stuff on its side in here" and I'm all "what's on its side?" "It doesn't really matter because nothing should be"

Okay, whatever. Please stop telling me what to do like you're my boss. The kicker is that not 20min later he knocked the box of wet Swiffer pads over in the cabinet to get a bucket out and it leaked EVERYwhere because he didn't notice. But it's totally okay because it was an accident...whatever. I am SO DONE.

Our priest is coming in 10 days and I cannot wait. We need some serious help or I need to GTFO. Thanks for reading this. I realize there's some backstory missing but I can make it short: DH thinks he's the only one who knows how to do anything. He's 18yrs older than me and clearly thinks that makes him the expert.

End rant.

martha919 · February 2014

Thank you. That's exactly the problem--I hate when anyone talks to me (or anyone, lol) that way, but it stings more because it's my DH. And it's gotten worse lately...it's like we've both given up and I hate it. :-(

aklawrence1 · February 2014

I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you're having to deal with that. I hate being told what to do in a way that seems like I'm incompetent. You, or anyone else, should never be talked to like that. I hope your counseling helps, and you guys can figure it out. I'll be thinking about you, and we're always here for you. Let us know how things go.

martha919 · February 2014

@kittynap -- for real. =( As I know our priest will say, "it's not really about the cleaning products/laundry/floors/whatever" and no, it's not. I'm basically at the end of my rope from years of being bossed around (and yeah...often in front of SKs which is BAD, like that relationship isn't difficult enough without their father acting like I'm incompetent) so today it was just too much.

I just...I don't really see the way back from here, but hopefully counseling will help. Usually the threat of an impending conference with Father is enough to help us get our shit together, but not so much this time. Ugh. Anyway ladies, thanks again for listening.

gagirl2004 · February 2014

Im sorry your dealing with this and hopefully the priest will help. I have found that since being a stay at home mom my husband thinks im the damn maid and he shouldnt have to do anything but go to work and come home and play with DD. I myself have been doing lots of praying lately for a resolution and compromise. I wish DH would understand that no I dont sit on my butt all day and taking care of DD is actually demanding. Anyways good luck to you.

emja0214 · February 2014

So sorry. Nobody should be talked to that way. I hope whatever you two decide is what is best for everyone. Stay strong and do what is best and most healthy for you and your sweet girl! (((hugs)))

martha919 · February 2014

ClaryPax said:

martha919 said:

@kittynap -- for real. =( As I know our priest will say, "it's not really about the cleaning products/laundry/floors/whatever" and no, it's not. I'm basically at the end of my rope from years of being bossed around (and yeah...often in front of SKs which is BAD, like that relationship isn't difficult enough without their father acting like I'm incompetent) so today it was just too much.

I just...I don't really see the way back from here, but hopefully counseling will help. Usually the threat of an impending conference with Father is enough to help us get our shit together, but not so much this time. Ugh. Anyway ladies, thanks again for listening.

Wow, I can't imagine years of being bossed around. I expect there is much more to the story? But they way you paint the picture here is all we see, so I have to wonder why you would stick around to be bossed around?

Well, like everyone, my DH has his good qualities and his bad ones. He's incredibly organized and thorough, loyal to his friends, etc. I've stuck around because we have had good times and because I do think there is hope. My priest and his wife are actually eerily similar to my DH and I, so I've seen how the scenario can play out well (married 35+ years). It's hard to explain, I guess.

I fully realize that at face value this vent is rather juvenile, and I applaud all of you for not laughing at me. I would give you a "really bad" example of how things get between us but there really aren't any...because it's an underlying current really. Or like a pain that won't go away. I would leave if he were abusive, but he's not. Frankly, I think there's some stuff he needs to work through that he's projecting onto me.

I needed to vent today and I appreciate you ladies and your support, even when our vents are slightly dramatic. ;-)

loreeann86 · February 2014

Sorry

that had to be embarrassing. I hate to hear you are being talked to that way. But like you said, I know everyone has their good moments. I hope things work out the way you want ❤️ Hugs

spainy17 · February 2014

Ugh, feeling belittled is just not a fun feeling, especially by the one you love. The good thing is that even if it is years of little crap wearing you down, that might be better to fix than big things. I feel like with my husband once we are feeling connected that we are so much more considerate of the little things and when we are fighting we get meaner about every little thing. So as you said, maybe talking it out can work on the underlying issues and the rest will fall into place. Whether it does or doesn't, you have us in your corner!

82Sonia · February 2014

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I do have to say that I think it's a great sign that you're both willing to try counseling. I would say that if the counseling session with your priest doesn't leave you feeling somewhat optimistic, try a therapist instead. DH and I had pre-marital counseling through the Catholic church (I'm now an atheist and DH is agnostic) and I could not believe the sh1tty advice we got. Our priest was completely clueless about relationship dynamics and he was completely biased toward men. It was ridiculous.

I went to therapy a couple of years ago and went to a real therapist and I couldn't believe the difference. Good luck. I sincerely hope you guys can turn this back around.

And as for us not laughing at you, I think A LOT of us were surprised at how difficult our relationships have become after children.

martha919 · February 2014

@82Sonia Thank you for this. We have both been to individual counseling in the past, and have seen our priest on multiple single occasions--he tends to favor me. :-) Which is sort of nice, and DH doesn't mind, but yeah...he's not so good at giving us tools. I just figured he'd be the first place to turn and we can go from there.

Thank you all for your kindness. :-)

ambmama · February 2014

Just wanted to send warm thoughts your way. I know we chatted on a previous post about both of us being in a bad spot in our marriages, and mine seems to be staying in that rut, too. I hope talking with the priest helps you! And don't ever feel silly - I know what you mean when you say it's an underlying current. It's something hats always there and just builds upon itself. For us, even when we have a good day, our next bad day is even worse. Anyway, enough about me, but I really hope all works out!

URMySunshine77 · February 2014

We would never laugh at you. Once in a while, my husband snips at me in front of other people. It is humiliating. Usually when he is sharp with me I know that he is dealing with his own issues. Do you think that your SO could be depressed? Just a thought.

I hope that you and your husband can mend the relationship. Sending a big hug.

ema10 · February 2014

Sorry you're going through this. My DH have been fighting a lot more recently and I've considered whether counseling may be in our future as well. He started traveling a lot for work with in the last few months so I'm guessing that change has added strain on our relationship, along with the baby stress of the past year.

As long as you're both willing to try I'm sure you'll find a way to get back to a good place again. Good luck!

martha919 · February 2014

@amberhoon Sorry things are still rough for y'all. Yeah, it just sneaks up on us, and like you said, we'll be fine for awhile and then the stuff comes up again and it flares. :-( I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm fairly certain that we both need to seriously ease up on each other regarding what we see as personality "flaws" (DH is infuriatingly anal and I'm "lazy" or however he'd describe it). That's one thing, anyway. Sigh.

@URMySunshine77 I'm sure he is. I've been encouraging, entreating, telling him to go to therapy for years now. He says he's just a realist. I say that even a realist knows that not everything sucks all the time. He is able to suck the fun out of everything in about two seconds and I know he's depressed. I've been there myself. He refuses individual counseling and that is what really gets me, but obviously if I push it he'll just push back harder. I'm hoping Father Pat will nudge him toward that. He's done it before and told me "everyone needs counseling" when he said I should go, but he won't do it himself.

Thanks, ladies. I hope all of our relationships improve in the near future!

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