Mother In Law Troubles — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Mother In Law Troubles

My mother in law has always been outspoken and never really thinks before she speaks.  However, her opinions and words have created an immense amount of frustration for me since my husband and I told her we were having a baby.  The day we told her, she wasn't excited at all and said that she isn't excited because she "accepts it".  Since then (approximately 18 weeks later), she has not been excited for the baby at all.  She IS excited for the shower she is throwing though which has turned into a huge extravaganza with the focus on her.  I have horrible anxiety and so knowing things ahead of time is important to me and she knows this.  When I told her that I would like to at least know the day of the shower, she said no, she doesn't care how I feel.  Then she told me she didn't want to know who I wanted to invite because she was inviting her family and friends.  I explained that my grandmother couldn't come to a specific location for the shower because of the driving distance and she proceeded to say "you need to calm down and get over it- we can't accommodate everyone".  Then she goes on to say she is telling everyone how expensive the shower is and everyone is so excited. 
    When we found out we were having a boy, she commented "wow, you are filling out all over I was expecting a girl".  Then she went and told my mother (who is having a separate shower for certain reasons) that her shower will be better because it is more expensive. 

I am really getting sick and tired of her and I feel like she doesn't care at all about this baby .... only how great she looks to everyone else.  Am I completely out of my mind here?

Re: Mother In Law Troubles

  • I would tell her thanks, but no thanks on the shower and leave it at that.
    This.
    Scottsmel16pigg0234[Deleted User]Jentech84
  • I agree with PP. Let her be the miserable old hag she sounds like and enjoy your shower your mom is throwing.

    27 y/o - Dx with PCOS 7/10/13 - Started on Metformin 8/26/13.

    BFP - 11/19/13      EDD - 7/18/14

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  • Yep.  Hard to have a surprise shower when you have other plans....her response to accommodating your grandmother is just crappy.
    On our way to baby#2!  Praying for a healthy and happy delivery next June!
    NADA-Hjenniferurs
  • I think my mom is your mil's twin! Same bs except my mom is only throwing a shower with minimal effort bc my SIL said she wanted to throw a shower for me. She still doesnt like tat im pregnant but its another thing for her to bitch about so i guess that kind of mkes her appy. The only thing you can do abou ppl like this is absolutely nothing. It's sad but they tend to be very stuck in their ways so my best advice is to scream into a pillow and lean on your hubby for support. Wish I could offer you advice but everyone on here seems to be a great support so vent away! Bing diplomatic is really the only way so I gree with the "thanks but no thanks" approach.
    Clewan
  • I agree with pp. A simple thanks but no thanks would work well here. If she's really making it about her, then I doubt she'll care or be offended. And if she is, then oh well. You don't need to deal with people like her.
  • I agree with PP but what are your husbands thoughts on this?
  • Mine told me she was going to have a shower for me. At my husband's grandmother's apartment complex. With women from his side of the family, along with some "family friends." So far, it sounds like I will know a grand total of 3 people there. I feel like this is more to highlight the fact that SHE is having a grandchild. On top of that, my sister in law just got engaged, and my MIL is going all out to help plan the wedding. (Side note: everything that my MIL told my husband and I we DIDN'T need to do for our wedding, she's insisting my SIL does for her's.) I'm doubting there will even been a shower at this point. I'm also pretty certain that she's only being as nice to me as she has been lately because this kid is literally still a part of me. Once he/she is a completely separate person, I'm sure I'll go back to being "that woman her son decided to marry."
    I feel ya, hun, I really do.
    [Deleted User]
  • As PP's say, thank her for the generous idea behind the shower and wish her much joy in planning and basking in her I'm Going To Be A Grandmother Soon shower.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Thank you for your thoughts, ladies!!!  The reason I didn't just say "thanks but no thanks" is because she had already met with the venue and put down the incredibly large deposit before telling me about it.  I am not going to simply say that I am not coming since she already paid for it, but I just cannot understand how ridiculous her mindset has been.  My husband has sat down with her and talked to her about the issue and she blew up and started crying, but nothing has changed. 

    As others have said...I am just going to let her do her thing and completely make myself unavailable to her for the time being.  If I am not around her, she can do her planning and make it about her and I can have peace knowing I don't need to talk to her about anything and can just eat all the food at the party.  Thank you again, ladies!
    Scottwswife
  • Different idea - What if you change your whole attitude about the party... Forget that the party has anything to do with you and think of yourself as a guest? It sounds like that is the party she's planning/throwing, and the friction is because you are holding on to the idea that this is a party for you and should be about what you want.

    If you want a shower for you, make that your mom's shower.

    (Just to be clear, I'm not taking her side. At all. Just throwing out an idea that might be less confrontational, less negative, and actually addresses what you can control,... your attitude.)
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  • I'd just let her do her thing, show up and smile and be done with it. Who knows, it might not suck after all. I do think someone needs to tell you a time frame of the shower, it's not like it's a surprise if she is telling you to show up at an outside venue three days before anyways sos at least if she told you then you could plan other things around it.

    My MIL won't be coming to my shower, at least I'm 80% sure since she refuses to drive anywhere that isn't within 10 miles of her home. I don't really care, my family will be at the one my mom/sister is throwing and I'm not sacrificing time with people I hardly get to see anymore. If my MIL wants to do anything for a shower she can plan a tea or whatever she feels like (she won't) then I'll show up, smile and be polite to the people she wanted to have there.
    BFP: July 2013 M/C August 5, 2013
    BFP: October 22, 2013 EDD: June 21, 2014
    Baby boy arrived June 23, 2014

    BFP: February 2016 EDD: October 17, 2016
  • I'm sorry, but I would start setting boundaries now! It is silly she will not tell you the date since it is not a surprise in any way. It is about her controlling the situation and you need to have your DH set her straight now or you will only find it gets worse once baby is here!
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    NADA-H[Deleted User]
  • If she can't even tell you when it is I wouldn't bother showing up.  Seems like it is more about her anyways so that is where she wants the attention.  I used to deal with a Monster in law so I have no patience for this type of thing.  This sounds almost exactly like how my ex mil used to be.  Enjoy the other shower. 
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  • I don't have advice for you but I can try to at least make you laugh a little.

    My MIL threw me a bridal "shower" with all of her friends and also decided to make it a "Passion Party."  If you've never experienced this before- it's basically a sex toy party.  I took six shots of tequila and was still sober.  You can't unsee that mess.  To make it worse her friends all chipped in to get me a $75 gift certificate worth of product so I ordered a shit ton of candles and lotions (I'm not a prude or anything but I am a little gun shy about sharing that side of my life with my MIL) and I never got my order.  When I told my husband he laughed and then almost cried he was so grossed out- he still apologizes to this day. 

    For my baby shower my MIL has not done a single freaking thing.  My mother is planning everything soup to nuts.  Because frankly, no one needs a dildo at my baby shower.

    NADA-H[Deleted User]
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