Tips for discussing Loss with a 3 year old

veetveet · February 2014

We have a 3.5 year old that is very excited to be a big sister. We have not told her anything about her brother's condition or that we are terminating the pregnancy on Tuesday.

I have 2 issues.

#1 I was told termination may take 24-48 hours. We have never been away from her for a night- My mom is going to take care of her. I don't want to lie to her, but I don't want to scare her either- any suggestions on what we can say to her? I was thinking something along the lines of, "There is something wrong with the baby- so Mommy and Daddy need to go to the Hospital" - We'll call in and check in periodically and say the doctors and nurses are still trying to help.

#2 How the heck am I supposed to explain to her that he is gone? She is going to be absolutely devastated. This beautiful little girl kisses and hugs my belly every single day. She talks to it, sings to it....tells me how she is going to help me, etc. She's even gone so far to decorate "the baby's house" ...aka my belly with about 100 stickers. I am so scared this is going to destroy her. I am going to already be a mess- I just don't know how to support her.

MCH77 · February 2014

((Hugs)) I really have no answers. My son is only 2 1/2 years old and luckily for us we've not talking about the baby or redirecting has worked well for us.

I don't think I'd tell her anything until you are home. My fear is that you will tell her something is wrong with the baby and hospital and she will get upset. Let her have a happy adventure with your mom. It will make you feel better to know she's not worrying. ((Hugs))

veetveet · February 2014

MCH77 said:

((Hugs)) I really have no answers. My son is only 2 1/2 years old and luckily for us we've not talking about the baby or redirecting has worked well for us. I don't think I'd tell her anything until you are home. My fear is that you will tell her something is wrong with the baby and hospital and she will get upset. Let her have a happy adventure with your mom. It will make you feel better to know she's not worrying. ((Hugs))

I am worried she is going to lose it with my mom when we don't come home for 1 or possibly 2 nights. I was thinking about making her little gift bags (distractions) for 2 days- just with some dollar store trinkets and a love note from us.

UGH! I feel like my entire life is upside down!

MCH77 · February 2014

I understand too well. My heart is breaking for you. My mom stayed with us while DH and I did dr/hospital appointments. Than the night after my surgery DS went to my dads so I could rest.

Do what is best for you and DD. gift bags sound fun. I bought DS some DVDs we could watch together while I recovered. I was able to zone out and hold him.

stefuge · February 2014

Our son is 3 1/2 and was very scared because mommy and daddy had to go to the hospital completely unplanned. He didn't understand what was going on. MH brought him to the hospital a couple times to see me, so he knew I was okay.

One of the first nights MH went home to put DS to bed and told him that mommy had had to go to the hospital for the doctors to get our baby, but that our baby was sick, and wasn't going to be able to come home with us. That he had died and was in heaven with Jesus. MH kept it very simple and DS kind of absorbed it and was okay. It was really important to me that DS hear from us (we told our parents not to say anything to him) and that he heard that our baby had died. I didn't want him to hear that word from someone else and not understand what it meant.

We also received a book from a baby loss organization called "we were going to have a baby but we had an angel instead" and we read this with him a few different times in the weeks following our loss. It is now on his shelf and if he wants to read it, we do. We also got him a little stuffed elephant, similar to the stuffed bear I received at the hospital, and we call it the Baby Colton Elephant and he cuddles it and hugs it when he is feeling sad or missing Colton. He sleeps with it every night.

We have tried to make Colton part of our life, with pictures around the house and things from Colton's room, and any time DS brings him up we encourage him to talk about Colton. On our EDD we went to a local park and released a balloon. This was fun for DS, and special for us as well, as we wrote little notes on it for Colton. DS's message for his little brother was that he loves him and that we are okay here. This is something I plan to do every year on Colton's angelversary, something that DS will remember as he grows up.

Every now and then he brings up Colton and I think he understands as well as he can. He talks about how it is okay to be sad when we miss baby Colton and he asks about what Colton's nickname would be - just whatever he is thinking about in his life and that is okay. Little ones grieve too, in their own way. I will be thinking of you as you have this difficult conversation with your LO. ((Hugs))

OSUWifey09 · February 2014

***SIGGY***

We lost Devon when JJ was 3.5 years old, too, but he really didn't understand what was going on. I went to the hospital while he was asleep and didn't come home for two days, but my mom brought him to the hospital while I was in labor and after Devon was born. We included JJ in everything we could - he got to meet his brother after he was born, he was there for Devon's blessing etc. We explained while I was in labor that his baby brother wasn't coming home with us and had gone to heaven, too, but he was pretty oblivious. We have Devon's pictures up and talk about him every now and then, but I still don't know if JJ gets it. We will definitely explain to him and his sister what happened to their brother when they're older.

I love the idea of the gifts, and maybe a book or two geared towards children that may help you all explain the loss. I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. Thinking of you all.

Noethola · February 2014

***Siggy warning***

My niece was a few months shy of 3 when we lost Elsie. I know its not quite the same, but we are a close family, and she was really looking forward to another cousin. She would kiss my belly, ask how we were keeping the baby warm and changing her diaper, etc.

You know your child best and their ability to absorb what you tell them. My sister told her that the baby had died and that she was in heaven. My niece absorbed it pretty well, realizing it was a sad situation, though still approaching it like a child. (After the loss, when we were home she brought me flowers and said "Im sorry your baby died." And would then bring me dolls and "imagine" her being back. She still talks about Elsie as a part of our lives and enjoyed the Chinese lanterns that we lit on her angelversary.)

Children have a tendency to absorb a lot, and personally I would not hide it from them. (It was always harder and scarier for me when my parents hid things growing up). You might consider telling her the baby is sick and will pass away, so that she can give last kisses and tell her baby brother that she loves him again. Then tell her you will have to deliver him in the hospital, so she will be staying with her Grandma. I think the bags of toys is a great idea. But again, you know your child best. I am so very sorry this is another layer that is facing you at this time.

veetveet · February 2014

Thanks for all of your input. I've put my gift bags together for her with some special love notes from us. One of the bags has some valentines decorations- so I asked if she could help decorate the front window for us. I think we're going to stick to our original plan for the hospital visit.

When we get home we'll have a chat with her. After I deliver my son I was told they are sending a social worker to see me. I will ask for some of her tips as well.

I cannot believe this is happening tomorrow. I am terrified.

mingaling2 · February 2014

DD was just shy of 4 when we lost Coraline. While she was used to spending the night at her grandparents, they were out of town when it happened and so our neighbors picked her up from daycare and kept her overnight (both new to her). They stressed that mommy was at the hospital but that I was okay. She understood the concept of doctors checkups and them making us feel better, which I'm sure helped.

The thing I was most adamant about was being honest with her. We told her the baby got sick and her heart stopped beating - we don't know why and we won't, these things just happen, that it's okay to be sad because we love her and miss her but we'll always love her.

I am sorry you have to go through this. Wishing you positive strength today.

Xath · February 2014

*siggy warning**

We got this book for our son. As PP mentioned, it's designed for kids aged 2-5 to process the loss of an infant. It's got a slight religious bent to it, in that it mentions angels, but it doesn't quote from the bible or anything like that. The back of the book also has a page of "how to help your young child cope with loss" section with suggested activities and how young children process loss by age.

Want a personalized experience?

Tips for discussing Loss with a 3 year old

Re: Tips for discussing Loss with a 3 year old

Choose Another Board

Search Boards