Unsupportive family Wants to be in delivery room?

KAGPowell · February 2014

I've decided I want to go as natural as possible (I'm willing to accept Tylenol or narcotics as a last resort since that's all they offer where I'm considering) and my fiancé is totally supportive. My mother, on the other hand, constantly tells me I "have" to have an epidural and tells me I can't handle pain (severe gallbladder infection/attack for nearly 2 days before I went to the hospital and I can't handle pain?) and all ths other crap. she keeps telling me I can't have a natural birth but insists on going with us to the hospital/birthing center because I'm her only child and it isn't right of me to keep her away blah blah blah. She has this horrible habit f nagging drs until they cave to what she wants. She did this the last time I was in the hospital and had them give me meds that we know don' t work on me to shut me up since I tend to cry when very frustrated. I'm afraid she's going to try to tell the drs to give me an epi even tho I don't want one and have me transferred from the birthing center look to l&d. On top of this, my whole family keeps laughing at me for wanting a natural birth because they think I can't do it for (insert bogus reason here). It's really pissing me off, my fiancé too. I would really prefer herto not be there when I give birth because I know that she will nag me until I do what she wants since she never gives up until you cave) but I know she'll just show up anyway. Is there a way to keep her (and her ngativity) out? She brings it up all the time and even tho I tell her to drop the issue, she won't and then wonders why I don't want to speak to her even tho she has no interest in my child except as another excuse to nag me about something. No snarky comments about "growing up" or other bs because the issue is dealing with a horribly unsupportive/overly pushy person not my ability to stand up to her.

lavendergiraffes · February 2014

That sounds hard to deal with.... Do you have to tell her you're in labor? That's the only non. Non-confrontational thing I can think of. By the time you're done and you let her know she will be so happy to see her grandchild that she won't care? My mom thinks I can't do it either but she isn't nearly that bad. I wish I could offer more advice but is say use it as motivation to do it and prove them wrong. It's good your fiancé is supportive though!

JonandJennifer · February 2014

There would be no way I'd have those vibes in my delivery room! End of story. She'll get over it after she holds that sweet baby. I agree with Libby! Don't tell or make the floor aware who's allowed in and who isn't! Maybe have them enforce a policy where only one person is allowed. You can have them assist in this case because they would rather not have the drama! Its there floor they can make up the rules! Your fiance is great for supporting you! In the long run its his opinion that matters the most anyway! Good luck!

KAGPowell · February 2014

He's amazing! He's seen me dance on an ankle with three bruised bones and heavy inflammation, hours of gallbladder attacks, migraines that last for days. My only issue is pain makes me very cranky so he's kind of a saint to be able to deal with mega bitchy-ness lol. We live a bit away from where I want to deliver and he doesn't drive and the last ting anyone wants is me in labour behind the wheel ( I have epic road rage on good days) so we would probably call my friend or my father to take us to the hospital and both can't keep a secret to sve their lives. I really wish I could keep it from her but I know someone will end up telling.

headgear03 · February 2014

If your delivering at a free standing birth center i would let your provider and your mother know that they have promission to call the cops and have her removed from the property if she were to show up. If you were to go to the hospital all you have to do is let them know you dont want her there and she wont be able to come back . She has to go through locked doors and they would not buzz her in. All this aside i think its time for you to make yourself clear that her interfearince in your birth and raising of this baby is not welcomed and i would if her presence is upsetting to you think about cutting her out compleatly if she gets much worse . She has no power over you , your birth or your childs life you can choose to have her removed from your life at anytime and she needs to be aware of this if you dont make this clear im not so sure shes going to leave you alone and the birth will be the least of your worries.

marriedinaugust · February 2014

I would not let her near the delivery room. I wouldn't even tell her when I was in labor. I had very supportive in laws (we don't live near my family) but they knew I didn't want anyone in the room. We labored as long as possible at home and then went to the hospital. My husband let them know when I started pushing. I pushed for 2 hours do they ends up arriving while I was pushing and they stayed in the waiting room until after our son was born and we had well over an hour of bonding time. Keep negativity away from your special day.

KateLouise · February 2014

No snarky comments about "growing up" or other bs because the issue is dealing with a horribly unsupportive/overly pushy person not my ability to stand up to her.

I don't want to be snarky, but it does sound like you have a history of not standing up to her, or caving to her to shut her up, which of course is why she keeps on, because it gets her what she wants.

I don't think you need to grow up, but I do think you need to establish some boundaries with her, both now and for the future. Making use of the staff at your facility is a really good idea, but so is simply explaining to her, she will not be present at the birth. She might wah on about how she has a "right" to be there, but she really doesn't. You DO have a right to birth in as stress free an environment as possible.

How is your fiance at standing up to her? You won't really be in a state of mind to deal with confrontation (nor should you have to), but would he be able to navigate her out of the room, if she pushed her way in?

CallMeAl · February 2014

Another vote for call her when the baby is born. Those vibes have no place in a natural birthing environment. I had a similar situation (well meaning, negative/unsupportive MIL) and DH and I were clear with her that she was not going to be in the L&D space. She still brings it up and was very upset, but that's life. I've seen many friends invoke the "it's a special time for my significant other and me, and we want to be by ourselves" move effectively too. Good luck! Parenthood is going to put you in this position quite a bit, so time to set the tone now!

PS injury/illness pain is different IMO than labor pain. Labor pain is pain with a purpose and it is finite. You will do great!

KAGPowell · February 2014

I tand up to her every day but she's one of those ppl that just won't listen to anyone else and has a loooooong history of ignoring everyone, including my father, and just doing what she wants even if it ends up with the entire family yelling at her to knock it off. She's just an extremely pushy person that will make your existence absolute hell if you don't do exactly what she wants. In the past, she has gone behind my back to interfere, going so far as to call my employers or show up at my job, university (she showed up in my dorm room in wales with no key to get in the building. She had apparently nagged the porter and other people in the building to get a master key and let her in. We live in nyc), etc just to make a point. She feels that she has this right because I'm her only child and she wasn't able to have others so I should be grateful for everything she does even if she was never a large part of my life growing up since she put her career before me. I don't plan on letting her know when I'm in labour but other people (my friend's mother is her neighbour and tells her everything) will let her know and she has made it clear that even though she isn't happy about the baby or my decisions, she will be there because otherwise it means I'm not a grateful daughter. She absolutely loves to guilt trip everyone so even if no one tells her, it'll turn into this huge drama about why no one thought she should know about her granddaughter being born. As it is, i have to go around her every step of the way because recently my wedding has become her wedding and she is demanding to pick out the date, my gown, the venue, the church, etc. apparently she acts this way because it works for her career wise to get what she wants so she treats her family like her "underlings" hoping that we will give her what she wants and the gets mad and dramatic when everyone ignores her. Other times she can be a decent person trying to get a second chance at being a mother so it's difficult knowing just which one I'm going to get on a given day. It's a birthing center in a hospital so I'm going to see what I can do there to have then keep her away. I have on my birth plan that in the event of my parents being ther, only my father is allowed in along with my grandmother and fiancé. My grandmother is sort of like my mother behaviour-wise but it comes out more like being overly opinionated than anything.

KAGPowell · February 2014

I should also point out that her fave response for why she acts this way is "this is what mothers do" so I'm also pretty sure she has a warped idea about what mothering is. Some people still lump it in with pain is pain but I'm more partial to looking at this as if it were a looong, hard day at the gym or dance class with an epic trip to red mango afterward (not sure what this says about me). I love that so many people on here keep saying that's its pain with a purpose since a lot of my friends just view it as pain just a little different from breaking your arm or something. We were made to do this, after all.

KAGPowell · February 2014

I would have my fiancé take me but he can't drive and a lot of taxis in our area won't go that far since it can be almost an hour in traffic. I don't have any other family that lives close enough that could take us and his family has a tendency to be very late and take their time, even in emergencies besides having to also consider where a 3 year old will fit in (SIL's little girl). We have been trying to come up with alternative ways to get to the hospital and the only people that are really available if I can't drive myself are the biggest blabber mouths we know. Our other option, which might be the fastest but least comfortable, is taking a couple of trains to the hospital. Our other friends either live very far don't/can't drive either.

MommyAtty · February 2014

Wow. No advice, but I feel for you. Maybe tell her that if she continues to push this, it's important enough to you to cut her off permanently? But only if you are. Otherwise you're just playing into her drama. Considering what your mother is going to teach your child about how people treat each other, it might be worth a thought.

I'm not one to talk, though, because I actually have cut my mother off for behavior a lot like your mother's. I have an 18 month old she's never seen and I'm pregnant with #2, whom she will also likely never meet. She can't accept boundaries, so I had to build a wall for the sake of my marriage, sanity, and family. For me, it was her attempts to undermine my marriage. But if she'd attempted to take over my labor, I would have done the same thing.

rooftop · February 2014

I told my mom there was limited people allowed and informed my birth center I said this so when she called they confirmed it even though it wasn't true. Would your birthcenter be willing to tell her only the husband is allowed in? That way it's not "your fault" or up for discussion.
I would recommend not having anyone that is negative or unsupportive around since that's something your not going to want to worry about during labor. You need strong support people for when it gets hard.

Ardmhs83 · February 2014

If someone was like that with me they would not be anywhere near the delivery room. I'm having a hard time with my mother. Love her to death, but she had two c-sections and works in the OR at the local hospital. She's very medical, if that makes sense. She also formula fed my brother and I, as well. She already has told me that she thinks another c-section is safest for me b/c she still believes the "once a c/s, always a c/s thing." She flipped when I said I wanted a natural VBAC with a midwife! She said, "no you need a real doctor." She also just told me to switch to formula when I was having problems with my tongue-tied son. She said I turned out ok, so he should be fine. I know my mom means well, but we strongly disagree with pregnancy/delivery and baby stuff. She also would be the one in my room seeing me in pain and just telling me to get meds.

Therefore, I very well may just have my DH and doula in the room...no family at all! Less stress on me.

I wouldn't have her in your room if she is going to cause you stress...that is not what you need at that moment. She can wait in the waiting room.

MollyHooper · February 2014

I think you have two options here.
1. Don't tell her that you are in labor and just deal with the aftermath. Know that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter if she blabs to everyone you know about not being invited to the birth. You and your Fi will know the truth. And if someone asks non defensively tell them your side of the story.

2. Invite her. But let her know that the second she starts talking about what she thinks you need vs.. what you know you need she will be asked to leave.
I will say though that. If you do end up inviting her, Have a list of things you can ask her do. Like "Please go get me some water" "can you get me a snack?" Make her feel involved with minor things so she feels like she's participating.
And if she continues to make it all about her. Ask her to leave or be quiet.

KrisM86 · February 2014

If you think she'll really show up even if you don't want her there, you can just not tell her (or anyone else) that you're in labor. It's a horrible idea to have anyone there that will stress you out and bring negative energy.

Also, the nurse or nurses at the birth center should be informed that under no circumstances should your mother be allowed in. They should at least be able to keep her out of your room. Good luck!

sschwege · February 2014

This is a tough situation. I think you could A) tell your birth center nobody else is welcome in the delivery room.

tell her to hang out in the waiting room until your FI comes to get her. Maybe he comes to get her when you are pushing or maybe not until baby is born. You could put her in charge of updating family from the waiting room.

I vote for 'A' personally, but 'B' might work out.

Wyn · February 2014

I totally empathize with you--I've heard that "what mothers do" line too. Consider reading The Psychopath Next Door book and see if it resonates with you. Regardless, you never know the future--this may be your only child, so make damn sure this birth is exactly what you want. It can be the most empowering experience of your life. Don't let anyone ruin it.

Chichigo · February 2014

My friend's mom was kicked out by the nurses because she was causing stress during labor.

mysticl · February 2014

KAGPowell said:

I've decided I want to go as natural as possible (I'm willing to accept Tylenol or narcotics as a last resort since that's all they offer where I'm considering) and my fiancé is totally supportive. My mother, on the other hand, constantly tells me I "have" to have an epidural and tells me I can't handle pain (severe gallbladder infection/attack for nearly 2 days before I went to the hospital and I can't handle pain?) and all ths other crap. she keeps telling me I can't have a natural birth but insists on going with us to the hospital/birthing center because I'm her only child and it isn't right of me to keep her away blah blah blah. She has this horrible habit f nagging drs until they cave to what she wants. She did this the last time I was in the hospital and had them give me meds that we know don' t work on me to shut me up since I tend to cry when very frustrated. I'm afraid she's going to try to tell the drs to give me an epi even tho I don't want one and have me transferred from the birthing center look to l&d. On top of this, my whole family keeps laughing at me for wanting a natural birth because they think I can't do it for (insert bogus reason here). It's really pissing me off, my fiancé too. I would really prefer herto not be there when I give birth because I know that she will nag me until I do what she wants since she never gives up until you cave) but I know she'll just show up anyway. Is there a way to keep her (and her ngativity) out? She brings it up all the time and even tho I tell her to drop the issue, she won't and then wonders why I don't want to speak to her even tho she has no interest in my child except as another excuse to nag me about something. No snarky comments about "growing up" or other bs because the issue is dealing with a horribly unsupportive/overly pushy person not my ability to stand up to her.

She can try all she wants but as long as you are over 18 and capable of making your own decisions she can't make medical decisions for you. However, since you aren't married she is your next of kin. If you haven't done so I highly suggest you draw up a power of attorney giving your FI the sole power to make any and all medical decisions for you and the baby should you become incapacitated and make sure your care providers and the birth center have a copy on file.

KAGPowell · February 2014

By the time the baby arrives, thankfully, we will be married so that's one less thing for her to nag us about. I would love to tell her that the hospital has a certain number of people in the are a policy but her SIL gave birth there recently so she's already familiar with their policies. We're now looking into other ways to get to the hospital without her finding out but our only option, besides an ambulance, which I find ridiculous if it isn't life or death since someone else who is n greater need can and should have it, is to take one train close to the hospital and a taxi if we need to get there quicker once we are close enough (it's faster to walk in manhattan than take a cab most times) or take the second train to the hospital. If we end up going too early, then we figure we can walk from the train station and hope that speeds things up since a 5-10 minute walk might also help my FI mellow out (he's very excited and can be like a little kid about baby and walking helps him calm down).

mysticl · February 2014

KAGPowell said:

By the time the baby arrives, thankfully, we will be married so that's one less thing for her to nag us about. I would love to tell her that the hospital has a certain number of people in the are a policy but her SIL gave birth there recently so she's already familiar with their policies. We're now looking into other ways to get to the hospital without her finding out but our only option, besides an ambulance, which I find ridiculous if it isn't life or death since someone else who is n greater need can and should have it, is to take one train close to the hospital and a taxi if we need to get there quicker once we are close enough (it's faster to walk in manhattan than take a cab most times) or take the second train to the hospital. If we end up going too early, then we figure we can walk from the train station and hope that speeds things up since a 5-10 minute walk might also help my FI mellow out (he's very excited and can be like a little kid about baby and walking helps him calm down).

I would still have one drawn up, today if possible. If anything were to happen to you between now and the wedding she would be the one making the decisions.

luvU2theMoon · February 2014

I dont have a lot of support either. My Boyfriend was even a little less supportive than i wanted him at first. I originally told him i would do this all alone with just the nurses if felt even one once of negativity from him. He is now extremelly supportive and has even looked up ways to help during the birth. But i only want him in the room. i think supportive or not doing a natural birth will be better with less people around, it will be easier to focus. Just let the hospital know your DH is the only one aloud in the room and keep labor as hush hush as possible like others have said.

rachelsholiday · February 2014

Man, this sounds terrible!

I'm having a somewhat similar problem with my MIL and my husband and I have both agreed that if we don't feel supported we will just ask her (or anyone else who is being non-supportive) to leave.

But if it's just your mother (and not others) I would just not tell anyone you're in labor and just call after. Good luck!

KAGPowell · February 2014

It's not about telling her since we don't plan to. It's that our primary transport to the hospital is my father (she calls him throughout the day to see if he's doing what she told him to) followed by my neighbour or her daughter (who see my mother daily and will call her ASAP even if we tell them not to). Other than them we have no way to get to the hospital besides multiple trains and possibly a bus(depending on how things are running) which we know will take a minimum of 1.5 hours and a cab from our apartment will take at least that long especially since many cabs in our area will not go to manhattan, especially all the way to the west side. We would like to go to the hospital early but their policy is not to take you until you are around 6 cm and to be told to turn around once we get there int an option. The only places to go kill time in tht event are my mother's brothers' apartments or my mother's sister but even then there would be no one there to let us in.

RebeccaY1 · February 2014

I'd just wait until after the baby is born to phone her. That way you just sidestep the whole issue.

robyn2201 · February 2014

aggiecyd said:

Sorry if this is harsh, but you need to set clear boundaries with people or stop complaining. You seem to be surrounded by people who you know will not respect your wishes and, in fact, do the exact opposite, but you continue to have them in your life & share private information with them. Act like you have no family/friends in the area and come up with a transportation plan that notifies no one. People do this every day across the country. Tell people once the baby is here, or be prepared to deal with your mother barging in on you during delivery. She acts this way because it works. With a situation this high value to her, she's not going to take no for an answer, unless she's hauled off by the police. If you truly don't want any drama surrounding your delivery, cut it out & don't play into it.

This!

And tell the nurses/hospital that under no circumstances that she be allowed in the deliver room.

Truelove21 · February 2014

Geez! And I thought my family was bad. Looks like you'll have to taxi or train it up then. Or be bold, let friends take you and deal with your mom if they tell her. You probably don't want to be mean to mom but it needs to happen. Can't you ask your father to do something with her? Distract her or something. Or you could switch hospitals at the last minute. If she shows up and ruins this for you then yeah you need to cut her out. Tell her she crossed the line. Family is important but not if they make you miserable.

cecilyandgautam · February 2014

I think you need to protect yourself from her & other relatives' influence now, not just during labor. This is a lot of negativity to deal with and when you're preparing for a natural birth, you need to prepare for a *calm* birth - to calmly face labor and delivery however it presents itself. Arguing about it before it's even here is not calming. It's stressful, it tenses the muscles - all the stuff you don't want.

So, for now, I'd stop discussing your birth plans with any non-supportive people. If they initiate the discussion, I'd cut it off with - "I have full confidence in my provider. If I have any concerns, I'll bring it up with her." If your mom or relatives persist - "I heard your concerns the first time, the second time, and now I'm hearing them again. I'd like to put this topic to rest - is there one last thing you'd like to say about it before we move on?" and then after that "I fully heard you out and it's not up for discussion anymore."

Once you go into labor, simply do not tell them until you're ready for visitors. You may need to give your mom a heads up that she won't be there for the birth but will be the first visitor. At a birth center, let the receptionist know you are not accepting visitors. They're not allowed to give your information out without your authorization, so if your mom shows up - the birth center staff can't confirm or deny that you're even a patient, let alone in labor - and your mom won't be let in. At a hospital, have in your birth plan that your husband (+ doula?) are your only permitted visitors. No one else is allowed and they will respect your wishes. L&D wards have very tight security.

cecilyandgautam · February 2014

btw - an overly enthusiastic family friend called up my birth center when I wasn't answering my cell one day. She asked the staff if I was in labor and the receptionist told her that HIPPA doesn't allow her to disclose the patient roster or the status of patients to people not authorized to receive such information by the patient. So, if you haven't put your mom down as authorized to receive updates about the status of your care, then they divulge any information about your labor if she does call.

ElTrain5 · February 2014

If you live in nyc you can call a cab company to take you to the hospital. I used to live there and would do that all the time for long trips to the airport, hospital, etc. Just look up a company, call and ask for a cab from your address to xyz hospital, don't say anything about being in labor, it's none of their business. Just have cash on you to pay and throw on some depends/bring a towel in case your water breaks. That's one problem solved at least. As for keeping mom out...well, that's actually insanely easy... "Nurse, my mother in not allowed in the room." Done. She will not get in. Those nurses are like ninjas. They put lo-jack alarms on the babies for God's sake. But that's not the problem you're actually having. You're problem is how to feel ok about not letting her in, or how to have her there without messing up your experience. That will only come with open and honest communication between all three of you, and you need to accept the possibility that it may not work out the way you want it to. Getting to the hospital, keeping someone out of the room... that's the easy part.

NYGirl02 · March 2014

I haven't read all the comments, but I am in a similar situation. Not quite as bad though. My DH doesn't drive either. And my ILs are really the only ones I want to watch my daughter while giving birth. Unfortunately, MIL feels strongly that she needs to be at the hospital in case something were to go wrong. We explained to her last time that we wanted them to come right after, and she got sooooo upset. Said how awful my DH was being, even though he was super duper respectful when making the request. They ended up coming and being there for a good portion of the 28 hour induction, mostly in the waiting room, but it was still awful. FIL calling the room because he heard a baby cry that he was certain was ours, yet I was still hours away. It was awful. The problem is, DH isn't on board with not telling them, plus the whole watching DD thing.

Can you hire a doula who can drive you so you don't have to let anyone else know if they can't keep it to themselves? That's what I would like to do, but DH is having a hard time with that. (He's supportive in every other way, just feels like it would be crazy disrespectful in his family to not tell them when we are in labor.)

Love227 · March 2014

Can you hire a doula who can drive you so you don't have to let anyone else know if they can't keep it to themselves? That's what I would like to do, but DH is having a hard time with that. (He's supportive in every other way, just feels like it would be crazy disrespectful in his family to not tell them when we are in labor.)
This is actually a great idea @nygirl02. I didn't tell anyone I was in labor with my son because even though I love my mom and sisters to death, I knew they would bring stressful energy around and I didn't want any part of it. My family views giving birth as an emergency situation when it's not at all. It's a part of life. It's beautiful and empowering. I may have to do the same thing this time around. My sister has been giving me shit all week about
delivering at a birth center again.

I agree with what everyone else says don't tell your mom. Don't tell anyone if that's what has to be done so that you get the birth you want.
Eta: quote fail

wintersong · March 2014

I agree with all of the pp who said to not call her. Just don't call her until the baby is there! If you don't want to get into a fight about it before hand, just say something noncommittal like, "We'll see what happens." If you keep telling her she can't come, it just prolongs the drama. She can't show up at the birth center if she doesn't know what's going down. :-)

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