UPDATE Need Advice: Wedding Ettiquite (long)

OkieMama · February 2014

Update: I called her tonight. It sucked.
So my BFF from grade school through HS is getting married this October in Chicago. She asked me last summer if I would be a bridesmaid and LO would be ring bearer. I was super excited to be asked and of course said yes. We have never been to Chicago and even though it would be an expense and DH would have to use some vacation time it would be a fun little trip.
Then I got pregnant. I'm due at the very beginning of August, and if history is any indicator it could be several weeks past that before I actually have this baby. At first I thought, "ok this could still work, I'd be at the point that I could return to work (if I worked) and my mom could fly out with us to help with the kids" (plus she likes my friend and would like to be at the wedding).

So I got an email last night from the bride detailing how to order my bridesmaid dress and suddenly I'm stricken with all kinds of anxiety. What size will I order? Will I look/feel like a whale? How on earth will I BF in that floor length taffeta thing, and when will I get a chance to if I'm in the wedding??
Then the thought of taking a newborn on a plane freaked me out. Not only logistics (we've never flown with DS much less two!) but also germs, will it even be vaccinated yet? We didn't even take DS to church until he was like 4 months old!
This wave of anxiety was brought on by the fact that she wants me to order my dress this week. Even without the baby this is stressful to me because it's very expensive. As will be the flight, the hotel, etc. I don't know what else is even expected of me to pay for, and I know she is much more into Ettiquite than I am so I feel weird asking. I paid for the bridesmaids dresses in my wedding, but they were around $30 from target. These will be custom designer gowns. So I'm in a whole other league here.
I can't even wrap my head around putting that deposit down, but I have no idea how to begin to approach this situation without her hating me.
I know I will offer to help her mom and sister throw a shower here in OK, but I'm afraid that won't be enough at this point. I will bring it up with my OB and Ped at my next appointments to see if I would even be "allowed" to go, if they say no that makes everything a lot different/easier.

Help!

lewispm · February 2014

I had a eerily similar situation with my BFF before K was born. Her wedding was planned for July 26thor so in MI and I was due July 11th (live in AL). I was supposed to be a bridesmaid as well. We ended up having a long talk and after lots of tears (from both of us) and ultimately decided it would be best for me to bow out of the wedding now as it was highly unlikely I would be able to do any bridesmaid duties or travel that far with a newborn. She totally understood and, although I'm sad I missed her wedding, it was definitely for the best. I ended up needing a C-section (which is also a possibility for you or anyone!) and there is no way I would have been able to make it. I'm glad I didn't spend $$ on a dress or flight only to have to bale last minute. Plus, since we talked about 6 months before her wedding, she was able to find a new bridesmaid to fill in for me.

OkieMama · February 2014

amilyn9785 said:
PS. If your friend is a stickler on etiquette, she won't "replace" your bridesmaid slot.

Interesting. I know nothing. I was in the middle of the lineup, would everyone scoot up one or have a hole?

I also feel bad because I'm not only taking away one bridesmaid but the only ring bearer too...

JAck5209 · February 2014

FWIW, my best friend got married 11 days after DD1 was born. We had to travel 3 hours by car and I was the MOH. I ordered a dress while pregnant and just bought it big. I had it altered three days before the wedding and it fit just fine. DH kept LO with him all day and I just toted around my pump. I was able to fit in pumping sessions periodically throughout the day. The wedding turned out great and I was so happy to be in attendance.

That said, I totally understand the apprehension to fly with a newborn but I just wanted to throw out a positive experience.

bumpuser1509193 · February 2014

As someone who recently shelled out a small fortune for a friend's wedding, I would say go with your gut. I wish I had listened to mine.
give her a call and explain your anxieties, if you are as close as you sound she will understand.
As for the dress, if you still want to do it, I'd order a couple sizes up from your normal and alter it as close to the wedding day as possible.

Kdoy705 · February 2014

It does sound like a tough situation, but I also agree with everyone else...back out now instead of later. My sister had reservations about being in a friends wedding and traveling to Hawaii this summer...but she waited until the very last minute to back out and she ended up having an argument with not only the bride but a few other close friends who were part of the wedding.

My sister didn't even really have that great of an excuse - you will have a teeny new baby, so she is likely to understand if you let her know early! Your friend might not completely understand now....but she will understand one day when she has a baby and is in the postpartum period.

Pandril19 · February 2014

I do think if you back out, you should let her know as soon as possible.

I just want to add another thought/comment though. I know it's a lot to manage with a newborn/money/logistics. And that's fair. But I'm finding particularly lately that I only regret the times that I didn't make the effort to support a friend (not visiting when they had a baby, or missing showers/weddings, etc), not the effort that I had to put out in order to. I wish I had gone out of my way more often to have been more present.

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UPDATE Need Advice: Wedding Ettiquite (long)

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