Heavyish Subject for a Monday

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

Hi Everyone. I just wanted to see if any of you are struggling with your relationships lately and get some feedback from you.

DH is a wonderful man. He is patient, kind, and funny. Lately, though, I am really struggling to feel romantic love for him. I like him a lot and enjoy being around him, but sometimes, I feel like he rides through life being "nice", but doesn't really put a ton of effort into relationships. It isn't just him when it comes to the two of us, we both struggle to make each other feel special.

We talk about this for real every few months, but it never gets better.

These feelings started before DD was born, so it isn't just having a child that is causing the issue. I don't want to end up divorced in 10 years. Have any of you tried couple's counseling for a similar issue? Do any of you feel like this?

JackoftheBox · February 2014

First off I wanted to say i'm sorry your struggling with this. Do you think some time away together would help? Maybe a weekend or so. Keep talking about it and just try to do little things for him. Pick up his favorite soda/candy bar and leave it for him to find ect.

My issue is DH can just straight be a jerk sometimes. He has very dry humor and a lot of people don't take him the right way. I get tired of always having to apologize for him. We have had numerous discussions on how his manner is. I have tried to tell him there is only so much I can do before he has to look at the root of the problem (him!).

JackoftheBox · February 2014

PS my love tit = creepy internet hug!

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

May I ask how long have you guys been together?
Is your main issue that you two just don't show too much of an effort towards each other? (ex. random sweet gestures of physical innocent affection or is it more that you feel as though your love could be dwindling?)
I haven't gone through this but especially that these feelings were present before DD came along, I would definitely try to figure out the root of the issue. Couples counseling couldn't hurt. If he's up for it, it's worth a shot.

Of course. 10 years.

I think the main issue is that he is a very level guy and I am a very passionate girl. So, he doesn't get super excited or love-y, but he also doesn't get dickish. It is like the good about him is also the bad, if that makes sense. I feel like the love could be dwindling, honestly.

Edited: The love could be dwindling because I feel like we talk about the issue a lot and it never gets better on either side, like, neither of us is willing to put in effort. We are lumps when it comes to our relationship.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

JackoftheBox said:

First off I wanted to say i'm sorry your struggling with this. Do you think some time away together would help? Maybe a weekend or so. Keep talking about it and just try to do little things for him. Pick up his favorite soda/candy bar and leave it for him to find ect.

My issue is DH can just straight be a jerk sometimes. He has very dry humor and a lot of people don't take him the right way. I get tired of always having to apologize for him. We have had numerous discussions on how his manner is. I have tried to tell him there is only so much I can do before he has to look at the root of the problem (him!).

Yes, I think it is twofold. One, our time together is boring because it is so routine, so we need a shared activity. We discussed running when it gets nice here. But, I also think it is we need some time apart doing separate things so we aren't just sitting at home together.

JackoftheBox · February 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

JackoftheBox said:

First off I wanted to say i'm sorry your struggling with this. Do you think some time away together would help? Maybe a weekend or so. Keep talking about it and just try to do little things for him. Pick up his favorite soda/candy bar and leave it for him to find ect.

My issue is DH can just straight be a jerk sometimes. He has very dry humor and a lot of people don't take him the right way. I get tired of always having to apologize for him. We have had numerous discussions on how his manner is. I have tried to tell him there is only so much I can do before he has to look at the root of the problem (him!).

Yes, I think it is twofold. One, our time together is boring because it is so routine, so we need a shared activity. We discussed running when it gets nice here. But, I also think it is we need some time apart doing separate things so we aren't just sitting at home together.

DH and i started biking last spring and we do that as a family and it is great! We get out and can go to a million different trails and get fresh air. We have even biked to several festivals!

Also we joined the gym (i'm not saying you have to!!) It allows us both about 2 hours a day by ourselves. It's AWESOME. I either read (like on the treadmill or elliptical) or just listen to music and zone out. It also give both of us some alone time with DS so it really works out all around.

Chapter79 · February 2014

I'm sorry to hear this

DH and I have been married almost 10 years, and we hit a rough patch when DD was around 1 years old. It was worked through, but it sucked. If he's willing, I would absolutely recommend couples counseling. It could do you both good

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

jkep5909 said:

Im sorry to hear...and yes, unfortunately dh & I are also going through such a cycle. Our problem is that he has add & in the best of circumstances has a hard time remembering things and is very much more a "me" vs "we" person. He's currently in school 2 nights a week & working ft...so, he is stressed about that & often bottles it up and shuts me out. We also talk about it a lot, always me bringing it up. I'm honestly at a point where if dd wasn't a factor I would tell him we should separate. He's a sweet, caring guy & an amazing dad...but he just never puts me first & I am constantly thinking about/doing for him. It sucks. It gets a little better after talking about it, and especially during school vacations...but then he reverts right back. He has at least 3+ more years of school & I can't say if I think our relationship will survive. I hope you guys are able to figure something out.

@jkep5909 ((HUGS)) I am sorry you are going through this too.

eyenigh · February 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

jkep5909 said:

Im sorry to hear...and yes, unfortunately dh & I are also going through such a cycle. Our problem is that he has add & in the best of circumstances has a hard time remembering things and is very much more a "me" vs "we" person. He's currently in school 2 nights a week & working ft...so, he is stressed about that & often bottles it up and shuts me out. We also talk about it a lot, always me bringing it up. I'm honestly at a point where if dd wasn't a factor I would tell him we should separate. He's a sweet, caring guy & an amazing dad...but he just never puts me first & I am constantly thinking about/doing for him. It sucks. It gets a little better after talking about it, and especially during school vacations...but then he reverts right back. He has at least 3+ more years of school & I can't say if I think our relationship will survive. I hope you guys are able to figure something out.

@jkep5909 ((HUGS)) I am sorry you are going through this too.

Me, too. Now I feel bad complaining on the other thread because your situation sounds a lot more trying than me just being annoyed at my husband making a bunch of stupid decisions that day.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

DH and I have been struggling since DS was born. I just was not feeling affectionate towards DH at all. The main problem was I had to be inwardly focused to deal with my PPD and what little I had left had to go to caring for DS. So DH got left out in the cold. We did talk, and talk, and talk some more, and it just didn't do any good. I finally took him with me to see my therapist at the end of December. It helped a lot. We have another appt tomorrow. I think having a neutral third party to talk to and set goals with, and then check in with, was super helpful because it gets everything out in the open, clearly, and holds us accountable. One of my goals was to show more affection to DH. Like, just giving him a random hug here and there. At first it was a little forced, but I did it because I said I would. Now it is returning to more of a habit and it is because I am actually feeling affectionate.

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk more.

saraenns · February 2014

Been there..long term relationships are work. Its worth the effort tho. Both counselling (with the right person) and a joint activity is a great start.
In the past and more recently..I've had to stop looking at his shortfalls and really turn inward to see what was missing for me. Where had my passion, excitement gone? How could i work on myself?
Im thinking about getting a bike for exercise, getting perspective by being outside (too cooped up) and relieving stress.
Good luck!!! (You are not alone)

PB102012 · February 2014

*Cant get out of the quote box!

I have issues with intimacy and feeling a desire for DH quite often, but I think it's more me than him since seemed to happen in a lot of my relationships. I just fall into the routine very quickly, and I need to work on that. I am sorry you are feeling this way.

TiffanyBerry · February 2014

I sort of understand. Only neither my husband nor I are very romantic, so it kinda works. But that makes me want to remind you that this sort of thing (being romantic and passionate) may well just not be on his radar. It's like asking someone who's totally not hungry why they don't invite you to lunch today. So, you may well have to take the initiative for planning and organizing, and ask him to (willingly and happily) participate. Yes, that takes a lot of effort, but it's better than not doing those things together!

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

eyenigh said:

hopefulmom81 said:

jkep5909 said:

Im sorry to hear...and yes, unfortunately dh & I are also going through such a cycle. Our problem is that he has add & in the best of circumstances has a hard time remembering things and is very much more a "me" vs "we" person. He's currently in school 2 nights a week & working ft...so, he is stressed about that & often bottles it up and shuts me out. We also talk about it a lot, always me bringing it up. I'm honestly at a point where if dd wasn't a factor I would tell him we should separate. He's a sweet, caring guy & an amazing dad...but he just never puts me first & I am constantly thinking about/doing for him. It sucks. It gets a little better after talking about it, and especially during school vacations...but then he reverts right back. He has at least 3+ more years of school & I can't say if I think our relationship will survive. I hope you guys are able to figure something out.

@jkep5909 ((HUGS)) I am sorry you are going through this too.

Me, too. Now I feel bad complaining on the other thread because your situation sounds a lot more trying than me just being annoyed at my husband making a bunch of stupid decisions that day.

Don't feel bad! My whole situation is weird because DH isn't DOING anything really wrong. We are just struggling to connect.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

Thank you everyone for your responses! Your ideas and support mean a lot. I can't really talk about this with anyone IRL or they will think I am headed for a divorce or something, so I really appreciate the forum to vent.

scrappingcat · February 2014

Sorry you are going through this. Being married is so difficult especially with everything that needs to be done each day when having a child! Is there any way to take a little weekend getaway? That always helps us to recharge our relationship.

Ago · February 2014

I understand, as we are going through a somewhat similar situation. I feel DH is very self-centered and I struggle most of my life with depression, so when I need to focus on myself, he doesn't pick up the slack and doesn't understand why life gets so hard for me. I think if it wasn't for DD, we'd give up. But we are starting couple's counseling this week. I also came up with an idea that he is open to: on the even numbered months, we take turns planning an entire date for the both of us (this month is my month). I got so tired of putting forth all the effort to plan date night, and this gave him a goal to focus on. We are just starting this this month, so we will see how it goes!

I also understand the overall "nice," my husband is in a career where I don't think anyone sees fault with him, but I think he uses all that energy at work, and so at home he is just meh.

Want a personalized experience?

Heavyish Subject for a Monday

Re: Heavyish Subject for a Monday

Choose Another Board

Search Boards