Should I Become a SAHM?

patchen30 · February 2014

I'm looking for a little guidance in what I feel is a very confusing decision.

I have a 27 month old and a 9 month old. I've worked in the financial industry for 10 years at a company that I'm proud to work for. Although I find the industry interesting, I've never felt passionate about my specific field. This has never bothered me that much b/c it's interesting enough and I see work as work and find my passions elsewhere. After the birth of my 1st I went back to work part-time (an amazing gig in this industry) and now work 9-5 M, W and F. I have a nanny that comes to my home. When I went back to work after my first maternity leave I had to switch jobs and was not thrilled with the position, but the arrangement worked fine and I was happy. After having my second baby, nothing has changed except that I now give my ENTIRE paycheck to the nanny. So I'm breaking even working. I stayed in the job as a way to keep my foot in the door b/c ducking out for years on end would be a career killer.

My nanny recently quit and this is making me reevaluate the entire situation. I'm weighing the fact that I don't love my job and am making literally no money and someone else is spending precious time with my kids against the fact that I'm afraid to give up the part-time arrangement I have b/c it'll be nearly impossible to find that again. My options are to quit and stay and home but dabble in consulting to keep my resume fresh (so I don't kill my career), or stick with the part-time arrangement for the long-term benefit.

What would you do? My gut tells me I want to be home with the kids, but I'm so afraid of such a huge change. My job/career has become part of my identity.

hayleydeee · February 2014

What I do know is that some studies have shown that the happiest moms are ones who work part time. A big part of my choice to stay home came from the fact that I'd be essentially paying to work after childcare costs. So, I think it's realistic to consider finances as a motive.

But it sounds like you intend to return to your career. Perhaps with that in mind it isn't worth the risk of losing ground. But if your gut and your heart is telling you this is the right choice maybe it is. Not sure if that helps!

Hollylb3 · February 2014

Personally, I would quit and keep up a little personal consulting. But I'm in the kids come before work always camp and you'll never get that time back, even to the possible detriment of your future career. I know not everyone agrees with that, but it's what I personally would do.

bhuffman · February 2014

Do not become a SAHM just because your job makes you unhappy. I think you should quit if you see yourself happy as a SAHM. I quit for a multitude of reasons, but honestly, i am happiest working.
I guess my advice is to really consider why you want to stay at home and make sure you and your DH agree it is what is "right" for all of you.

jf198400 · February 2014

Hi I'm a fellow WM, also hoping to SAH someday. Finding a PT job is so difficult that I feel like you should stick with it for the long term. Are there other benefits that you're getting like insurance or 401k match? So that your not working "for nothing"? If you want to stay in this field you need to keep your resume active. I think it's easier to plan for childcare/budgeting with a regular PT job than doing consulting with inconsistent workload and hours. Hope that helps, good luck with your decision.

AimeeL85 · February 2014

Patchen!! I was just randomly thinking about you the other day and trying to remember your SN, so happy to see you have 2 LOs now!! (It's been awhile but we were on the IF board together and tried to meetup at our clinic but missed each other!)

Linnea503 · February 2014

It's very personal for sure, but for me I would stay home with my kids. When I gave my notice at my job they offered me the option to go part time and I seriously considered it. Ultimately I stuck to my original plan and turned down the part time option. I've never regretted it. I too wasn't intentional about ending up in the career I was in, although I did like it and I was successful.

I take on very, very occasional consulting/writing work... like two projects a year... in case I ever go back to the field I was in but my preference is not to. If I go back to the traditional workforce I would prefer to find something else.

In my case it was not a financial decision at all. I was bringing home plenty after childcare, had great benefits, etc. It was purely a decision of the heart (although obviously we were sure we could afford to live on my H's income, otherwise I wouldn't have done it.)

I am responsible, great with money, make wise financial decisions etc BUT I will say I am a live-in-the-moment person. I try not to make fear-based decisions and staying in my career against my true wishes based entirely on the "what ifs" just wasn't something I wanted to do. I am grateful everyday I had the choice. Good luck with your decision!

penguingrrl · February 2014

I would not risk leaving the working world if you plan to return. It's very hard to get back in and you're almost guaranteed to have to reenter the work force several steps below where you left, both in terms of career progress and pay.

patchen30 · February 2014

Just to clear a few things up. Having a nanny in NYC for 2 children is less expensive than paying for daycare for 2 children. Second, if I quit I would find some way to keep my foot in the door - there is a demand for consulting/contract work in my field - so I'm not concerned that I wouldn't be able to get back in at all (or have to take a lesser-paying job etc), I just really worry about giving up the part time arrangement bc everyone tells me how awesome it is. I would hopefully be able to do intermittent consulting until I was ready to delve back in.

To give a little more color to the situation: we also plan on moving out of the city in 1-2 years at which point I'd be adding 2 hours to my day in a commute which would mean less time with the kids and I'd be in the red after paying that much more for childcare. So, I might end up quitting then anyway. Or maybe I wouldn't. Also, my growth at the firm has become a bit stagnant, maybe bc of the part-time arrangement, maybe bc of the new role I took on when I came back part time. I also know that on days I'm home with the kids I'm happier than days I'm working. I've always wanted to stay home with my babies, and I feel like this is such a short window of time when they're so young and I have the rest of my life to work. However, work is of course a nice break as well and I enjoy getting dressed up and having time to myself.

So there's some additional info!

penguingrrl · February 2014

With that additional info I would SAH. I lived in NYC with kids and can't imagine commuting in! I worked down near City Hall and commuted from Morningside Heights and it was hell, can't imagine commuting from outside the city!

And a nanny is definitely cheaper tha daycare, although that seems to be a uniquely NY thing!

raraavis28 · February 2014

I'm always in camp "If that's where your heart is, your DH is on board, and you can afford it, do it!" GL!

patchen30 · February 2014

nowababy said:
I think you need to go with your gut and to me it sounds like you want to stay home. I left my FT job that I didn't enjoy and I do worry about getting my foot back in the door, but I think my gut was right. Also, btw, I'm in NYC too.

I think my "gut" (ie emotions) are telling me I want to be home with the kids, but my head is telling me I have a part-time job in finance and - even though I'm not passionate about my work - maybe I should cut my losses.

Different people have different takes. My husband who is luckily very successful thinks I need to get out of my current position regardless bc I'm going nowhere fast.

I'm just scared, honestly. It's a HUGE change. I've been working and earning a (albeit small) paycheck for ten years. It freaks me out to totally rely on someone else (even though in practice I'm doing that now anyway). I feel like it's so complicated!

bumpuser8448316 · February 2014

In just a few years they'll be un school full time- how will you feel then? Will you regret having left the workforce? Even keeping a foot in the door wit consulting, you may have trouble finding a full or part time job you love in your field.

I personally would only stay home if I knew I wanted to do it long term, if I had an easy field to get back into or if I was wanting a career change anyway. I also think there is absolutely nothing wrong with continuing to work even if your entire paycheck goes to childcare if working makes you happy and fulfilled.

Hollylb3 · February 2014

amy052006 said:

Hollylb3 said:

Personally, I would quit and keep up a little personal consulting. But I'm in the kids come before work always camp and you'll never get that time back, even to the possible detriment of your future career. I know not everyone agrees with that, but it's what I personally would do.

Honest question -- how does that work for husbands?

I don't really feel like working to pay the nanny is a huge deal -- it is a very short term situation until they are school age. Like everyone said, quality, fulfilling, career oriented PT jobs are few and far between. It might be one thing if I knew I never wanted to work again (and that was a responsible choice), or I knew I wanted to pursue a different career path.

I meant for the parent who would be (if they want to) staying home. Obviously someone has to support the family.

vlagrl29 · February 2014

I all of my paycheck was going to the nanny, I would SAH without a doubt even if I loved my job and I do have a part time job I love.

EandIMommy86 · February 2014

IMO, I would stay at home. If most or all of your paycheck is going to a Nanny anyways, why not just do it yourself?

LO's are only this small one time and they grow fast. If I was in your position, I would not want to miss out on any major milestones. It would irk me if a nanny saw my children walk for the first time before I did, crawl for the first time, etc.

In the end, in your situation, provided you can do it financially, I would choose my children over work any day.

fivesecondrule · February 2014

I was in a similar situation a few months ago. I was trying to decide if I should go back after my third maternity leave. My pay barely covered daycare and some things were heading sour at work, so I totally get the feeling. I decided to go back and see how I felt after a few months.

I'm very happy I did. As other posters mentioned, part time work in your field that pays decently is extremely rare. The kids will be in school before I know it and then I hope to keep the PT schedule to have time to actually get some stuff done, help out at school, and be around when they get home.

If I had to pick full time stay at home mom or full time work, I would stay at home in a heartbeat. But I think the part time gig is really the best of both worlds, but if you really feel called to stay home and can swing it, then stay home. Just be REALLY sure of your decision, because you probably won't get your current situation back.

mrsrobinsontobe · February 2014

professional pt jobs are so hard to find! i know because i have one. that's got to be a tough decision with the daycare, i'm sure. but the other poster is right...it's short lived. my mom always watched our kids...but now that the kids are in school, i have so much time to clean, grocery shop. go to the gym, get my nails done -- it's kind of amazing!!

patchen30 · February 2014

Thanks for all the responses. Yesterday I was feeling pretty sure I'd quit and today I've flip flopped and am chickening out again.

Another factor is that if I stay in the job and commute into the city, or we don't move, I still have 5 years until my youngest is in school full time (and who knows if we'll have more kids do potentially longer). So I'd need to do this job for another 5 years before I'd begin to start reaping those "the kids are in school so now I have time to clean and get my nails done" benefits. In fact, I don't want to go back full time for like 10 years...so could I stay in THIS exact job for the next 10 years?! I have NO IDEA. I'm having a hard time visualizing whether I'll actually be in this job long enough for it all to pay off bc at this point it's just a place holder for me for when part time is PERFECT (when they're in school full time). For now, IMO I'd rather be home.

I told my DH in a perfect world I'd stay home for 5 years then go back part time. He said "Then do it. Take a chance. Make it happen." It's awesome that he's so supportive but I wonder if we're being realistic.

coromble · February 2014

patchen30 said:

I think you need to go with your gut and to me it sounds like you want to stay home. I left my FT job that I didn't enjoy and I do worry about getting my foot back in the door, but I think my gut was right. Also, btw, I'm in NYC too.
I think my "gut" (ie emotions) are telling me I want to be home with the kids, but my head is telling me I have a part-time job in finance and - even though I'm not passionate about my work - maybe I should cut my losses. Different people have different takes. My husband who is luckily very successful thinks I need to get out of my current position regardless bc I'm going nowhere fast. I'm just scared, honestly. It's a HUGE change. I've been working and earning a (albeit small) paycheck for ten years. It freaks me out to totally rely on someone else (even though in practice I'm doing that now anyway). I feel like it's so complicated!

When I read this all I can think is…"her heart wants to be home with those kids!" As others have said, it is a personal decision, but it sounds to me like you want to SAH but like you said, you are scared. I left a job I absolutely loved to be a SAHM. It was difficult to leave, but I don't regret it for a moment. I feel like this is what I was meant to do and even thought I plan to go back eventually, I feel more fulfilled at home than I ever did at work. It's cliche, but the advice "you never get this time back" is true. I'm not saying it's easy, some days I wish I could put on nice clothes and go back to work, but most of the women I encounter would love to be able to stay at home. And the ones I know who did SAH when their kids were little did not regret it at all. I know not everyone has the same experience, but I thought I'd share mine…good luck in making this decision!

vlagrl29 · February 2014

girl....just stay home

If you are still unsure take a piece of paper and list out the negatives and positives of both situations and add them up. Sometimes it helps me to list it out on paper.

Linnea503 · February 2014

Just another thing to think about... Your employer could change their mind about you being part time at any moment and/or eliminate your job. My friend was part time for years and then was told they needed a full time person in her position and she had to travel.

How will you feel if you keep the job just to keep the job, and then they take away your part time hours in a few years? Would you have regrets about working through your kids youngest years?

Yes part time jobs can be hard to find, but if that's the only reason you are continuing to work maybe you aren't letting yourself have what you really want, based on a lot of "what ifs."

patchen30 · February 2014

Good point about how I could potentially get laid off anyway.

Did anyone read the article in he NYT, "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In"? It scared the hell out of me in terms of quitting. Those women didn't keep their foot in the door at all though I guess.

Linnea503 · February 2014

patchen30 said:
Good point about how I could potentially get laid off anyway.

Did anyone read the article in he NYT, "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In"? It scared the hell out of me in terms of quitting. Those women didn't keep their foot in the door at all though I guess.

I did read that. There are always going to be these sorts of stories out there because they generate buzz and get attention. The happy endings are not news worthy. I also think a lot of happy, content SAHMs keep their joy to themselves because (depending on the social circle) it's not the PC way to be or something. My friends who work full time often talk about how much they miss their kids--I'm never sure how to respond to that in a sensitive way so I just listen and say very little. People were pretty shocked when I left my job--colleagues, friends... It is a scary thing to do.

I'm not trying to convince you what to do it just sounds like you want to stay home but are afraid. I get that, I really do.

patchen30 · February 2014

Linnea503 said:

patchen30 said:
Good point about how I could potentially get laid off anyway.

Did anyone read the article in he NYT, "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In"? It scared the hell out of me in terms of quitting. Those women didn't keep their foot in the door at all though I guess.
I did read that. There are always going to be these sorts of stories out there because they generate buzz and get attention. The happy endings are not news worthy. I also think a lot of happy, content SAHMs keep their joy to themselves because (depending on the social circle) it's not the PC way to be or something. My friends who work full time often talk about how much they miss their kids--I'm never sure how to respond to that in a sensitive way so I just listen and say very little. People were pretty shocked when I left my job--colleagues, friends... It is a scary thing to do.

I'm not trying to convince you what to do it just sounds like you want to stay home but are afraid. I get that, I really do.

Yeah - I definitely would love to be home with the kids. I'd give up the "me" time I get from working and just get a babysitter for a few hours a week. Financially it's fine. It's really about a fear of never being able to find something with as much flexibility as I have now, because I'm not planning on staying home forever, and the long-term repercussions for my career (although I'm not sure doing some consulting is necessarily bad). And just the change in general.

It's such a hard decision although I know I'm very lucky to have a choice.

Meeshe · February 2014

This is late but I just wanted to say that I am going through the same decision. I plan to have the discussion with my DH this weekend. I, too, have the elusive part-time professional gig that everyone supposedly wants...and still feel that pull. My schedule is 5 days per week but I am done at 3. But what keeps pulling on me is the summer, the holidays, the breaks, the days off, the sick days....I don't want my kids bounced all over the place all summer long while we try to fill the gap. I want them to be able to enjoy their time and me to enjoy my time with them. It is very, very hard to make the decision to walk away from a good part-time job (albeit not enthralling) with decent salary and good benefits. But I've been thinking about it for years and I feel like I will never know if I don't try it. Course my DH has to be ok with it too. We shall see...

trizzie · February 2014

I would quit and SAH. But, as everyone else said, it is a very personal decision. I quit six years ago when my son was born and never looked back. However, I am not planning on going back to work, so there's that. But, if you can keep your foot in the door, as you said, I see no reason not to quit.

kcisthebombdotcom · February 2014

patchen30 said:
Good point about how I could potentially get laid off anyway.

Did anyone read the article in he NYT, "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In"? It scared the hell out of me in terms of quitting. Those women didn't keep their foot in the door at all though I guess.

I did and it kind of annoyed me tbh. sure, i think for many it is difficult to get back in. it isn't across the board though. i know women who were actively being recruited and found a job through their network without even really trying. its so dependent on industry, what you do while you're on leave, your network, etc. sure if you opt out when you reached a c level position you're fucked. if your field is constantly changing you're screwed too. i think for your average mid level manager or less if you network, keep up to date on certifications, attend trainings to keep skills fresh along with being realistic that you'll likely take a demotion/pay cut its not as impossibly hard to opt in as the NYT would have you believe.

Mommy2CB · February 2014

Hollylb3 said:

Personally, I would quit and keep up a little personal consulting. But I'm in the kids come before work always camp and you'll never get that time back, even to the possible detriment of your future career. I know not everyone agrees with that, but it's what I personally would do.

I agree with this 100%. However, staying home full time is not for everyone, so it's definitely a big decision if working/a career is a big part of your identity as you said. It sounds like you need to make some sort of change regardless. I personally wouldn't want to work JUST to support the Nanny... GL with whatever you decide!

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