What is her motive?

BuggasMom · February 2014

Ok so little backstory my best friend has 2 year old toddler twin boys. I have a 3 1/2 year old girl and I am due with a baby boy!

I have loved every second of being a mom to a girl, she is the most girly, well behaved sweet smiley little girl I have ever met! She is a pure joy to be around. I am blessed to have her! And I have been over the moon excited to have a little boy this time, I feel so blessed to have one of each!

But everytime I talk to my best friend she will always tell me how hard, challenging, different boys are than girls for instance, she will send videos of her boys throwing spaghetti at each other's faces, the holes in her walls, or the messes they make. With a caption of "just you wait" or "this is how boys are" . She will not miss a chance to tell me how her boys pee all over her house , and that "I might as well kiss my nice things in my house goodbye" . My replies have always been nice and mainly nod and smile.

This is really starting to discourage me! I can't imagine boys being all that different from a girls besides the plumbing? Every kid has their own personality girl or boy and parenting has a lot to do with your kids behavior in my opinion. But non the less I try to brush it off. And she always ends the convo in "I'm so glad you get to have a boy so you can go through this too. "

???

My question is why would she be telling me all this stuff wouldn't you want to lift a new mama up and get her excited? I know kids have bad days I have a kid! But it's like she is trying to make me scared or dissapointed or something? I have no clue what her intentions are? When I talk to others about having a son all they do is tell me how fun, sweet , and exciting it is.

I still love her as a person! We have been best friends for 10 years she has never done anything like this before and has always been so supportive ?

Feeling discouraged and confused

Has this happened to anyone? or does anyone have any words of advise?

Sorry this post turned out longer than initially planned!

CalinAZ · February 2014

It sounds like she wants validation that it isn't just her having issues with her kids, that it's boys in general. Maybe she was jealous of your easy child and feels like you haven't been able to understand how hard it's been for her.

That said, it does sound annoying and a bit immature. I'm also of the mindset that so much of how boys act is based in the parenting and that parents with the mentality that boys are automatically destructive and crazy probably are more likely to end up with kids who act that way. I'm also a FTM though, so I could just be spouting wishful thinking for my own little boy

.

Have you tried expressing to her that her constant messages have been discouraging for you? Maybe that could open things up to having a conversation about why she's doing it.

Good luck!

Ashleypixie · February 2014

It sounds like she just wants validation for putting up with two rowdy (and possibly not well disciplined) little boys. My boy was always so mellow and easy. My daughter was so much more of a challenge. It totally depends on personality and how the parents deal with that kid. When she says these things she probably doesn't realize the impact it has on you. I'd just respond by telling her how much you admire her patience, and leave it at that.

deidremaria · February 2014

Three words: misery likes company

Please don't let her discourage you or take away from your excitement. I know PLENTY of well behaved, fun little boys. She's just giving into stereotypes and trying to get you to do the same

BuggasMom · February 2014

KendraColeslaw said:
I'm sure plenty of moms on A14 can attest to the fact that their little boys are NOT as rowdy and icky as your friend's. Sounds like she lets them get away with everything - good luck in the future to her! I wouldn't pay any attention to it and I know if someone told me that, it would just pride me so much to prove her wrong.

By the way, "just you wait" is the most annoying thing to hear. Everyone who says that deserves a throat punch.

FTR, I have a friend who tells me discouraging things because she's not happy in life and doesn't want me to be happy either.

Kendra i agree throat punch indeed! One of the worst thing you can say to mom!

And maybe the unhappy with life has something to do with it?

BuggasMom · February 2014

CalinAZ said:
It sounds like she wants validation that it isn't just her having issues with her kids, that it's boys in general. Maybe she was jealous of your easy child and feels like you haven't been able to understand how hard it's been for her.

That said, it does sound annoying and a bit immature. I'm also of the mindset that so much of how boys act is based in the parenting and that parents with the mentality that boys are automatically destructive and crazy probably are more likely to end up with kids who act that way. I'm also a FTM though, so I could just be spouting wishful thinking for my own little boy .

Have you tried expressing to her that her constant messages have been discouraging for you? Maybe that could open things up to having a conversation about why she's doing it.

Good luck!

I am seriously worried if I say something it will offend her. And I don't want to ruin our friendship.

BuggasMom · February 2014

Ashleypixie said:
It sounds like she just wants validation for putting up with two rowdy (and possibly not well disciplined) little boys. My boy was always so mellow and easy. My daughter was so much more of a challenge. It totally depends on personality and how the parents deal with that kid. When she says these things she probably doesn't realize the impact it has on you. I'd just respond by telling her how much you admire her patience, and leave it at that.

This is such a great idea thank you! Lately I have no words for her stories or warnings I just kind of sit there like "a huh" but I love the thought of praising her and "killing with kindness" in a sense I never thought of doing so because I was feeling so conflicted. Maybe I haven't been supportive enough to her?

Cassi215 · February 2014

Looks like your friend needs a lesson on discipline. Kids only do what you allow them to get away with. Even at two years old they are challenging her to figure out their place and what they can get away with and what is expected of them. And your son will have his big sister to help teach him how to behave. I wouldn't worry at all. I would be super excited and sometimes when friends are pulling you down its ok to get away for a little. Enjoy your little man!

zazu13 · February 2014

every kid is different. Sounds like she is just hoping for someone to commiserate with.

BuggasMom · February 2014

Thank you all for your words! It was exactly the validation I needed! I am super pumped for this baby boy.

Also the super speedy response is incredible I'm feeling loved :x Love the A14 girls!

sweetmelissa0707 · February 2014

My son is and has been the most easygoing little guy. I think pp are right, she sounds overwhelmed and like she may not have enough support/ structure/ discipline in her home. I'm expecting another son and am quite happy.

nicole mackenzie · February 2014

BuggasMom said:

CalinAZ said:
It sounds like she wants validation that it isn't just her having issues with her kids, that it's boys in general. Maybe she was jealous of your easy child and feels like you haven't been able to understand how hard it's been for her.

That said, it does sound annoying and a bit immature. I'm also of the mindset that so much of how boys act is based in the parenting and that parents with the mentality that boys are automatically destructive and crazy probably are more likely to end up with kids who act that way. I'm also a FTM though, so I could just be spouting wishful thinking for my own little boy .

Have you tried expressing to her that her constant messages have been discouraging for you? Maybe that could open things up to having a conversation about why she's doing it.

Good luck!

I am seriously worried if I say something it will offend her. And I don't want to ruin our friendship.

If you're good friends you should be able to gently tell her that her words are discouraging you.

Ask her how she's doing? I agree with pp that maybe she's not getting support she needs in her life and is feeling overwhelmed?

And sounds like the boys aren't disciplined. My DH tells me stories about wrestling and sometimes being too rough with his brothers growing up, but no-one was peeing on the walls or throwing food at their mom. And my brothers weren't like that growing up. My little brother missed the toilet peeing sometimes though!

I don't think you need to worry about having a little devil child. Sounds like you're friend needs some support/ is going through a hard time.

Rogue237 · February 2014

I'm sure there is a bit of difference. My brother and sister in law have two girls and had a boy last year and they talk about how different it's been - that the boy doesn't listen as well and hits milestones a bit later. I'm sure there's some truth to genders developing at different rates. That said, she sounds like she is greatly exaggerating! Every baby is different and how they're raised matters a lot. Also, he'll have a great big sister to take cues from. You'll be fine!

pleasantsarg · February 2014

My son is fantastic, he has some vivacious moments ( he hums black sabbath's iron man) that the girls on the block don't seem to have. When he was 2 I think he probably took more 'chasing' than a girl would have, but he is great. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

MadBloom · February 2014

I HATE the "just you wait" comment. Like screw off right? Just because someone else can't manage their kids doesn't mean that I won't be able to manage mine. My SILs both have rowdy kids, boys AND girls. I really don't think it has anything to do with gender, it's the piss poor parenting I witness every time I'm around them. I honestly can't wait until my kids are in grade school and well behaved so I can rub it into their faces. I have a totally different philosophy on parenting and I am a Huuuuge fan of routine (that would be the teacher in me) so I am pretty excited to show them what's up.
Ps. My one SIL just got a letter demanding that she appear in truancy court because her 7, 10, and 14 year old boys haven't been back to school since the Christmas break because "they don't like school so they're not going and the government has no right to tell me how to raise my kids!" Complete batshit crazy she is.

patunia7321 · February 2014

The most telling part of that whole disaster for me is having a VIDEO of your children throwing food at each other. Shouldn't there be some discipline happening at the time? As in immediately as it happened? Maybe put down the iPhone?

Edit: spelling/content

ashcole28 · February 2014

celticlullaby said:
Um, my almost 2 year old son has never put a hole in the wall, peed around the house, or thrown spaghetti in my face. He gets wild at times, but he also can be very sweet and gentle and affectionate. Maybe your friend is trying to justify the havoc in her house by trying to convince you - and herself - that all boys are like hers?

This exactly! I have a wonderful lttleboy! He's ornery at times sure but not a difficult child. I have a friend that said the "you just wait" because she had her boy 4 months ahead of mine and they act nothing alike! Each child is different and so are the parents! Don't worry.

kelley72 · February 2014

She is jealous... thats how it sounds to me. Her parenting style doesn't sound like it matches up to yours, so please as a mother of four boys one coming... don't let her get you down. Be excited- just as you have been for your blessing to come!

Holljade · February 2014

I always worry I am one of those moms who gives discouraging advice. It's not my intention.

In my experience, I like to be honest. Shit was HARD when DD had colic, I'm not going to sit around and say how awesome it was.

I'm not sure if there is a back story on your friend, but maybe she just wants to be honest?

Also, sometimes I feel like the crazy stuff DD does is funny and will let my friends in on it.

Now that I see all these responses on how that kind of advice looks to others I may need to rethink what/how I tell people....

KatieKim0815 · February 2014

Seriously?? I ave two boys are they are the most well behaved gems! My first is so sensitive and he loves boys stuff. He is gentle and kind. My second we call our mischief baby because he is into everything - dog bowls and cupboards but he is exploratory. If he is breaking walls or throwing things at his brother it is a problem with our parenting not him! I do agree that boys might be more physical than boys but deceptive and destructive behaviour is up to the parents to correct!

KatieKim0815 · February 2014

I also wanted to say that she just may need to feel validated. That it is ok if parenting is hard.

And as a mum the "just you wait" makes me want to slap someone!!! The only thing related to that kind of thing thy I say to my single friends is to indulge in yourself now. If you want that purse...go get it as sometimes big purchases for yourself can leve you feeling guilt ridden when you have a family. But I still think it is different from "just you wait"!!

But your friend needs to be schooled on disciplining a child and put down her phone.

Airynn Chica · February 2014

Sounds like she might be jealous that your DD seems so easy and your life as a parent so fluffy and wonderful compared to hers (in her eyes). I have often heard boys are different from girls as well, but my little girl doesn't fit that mold. She does take everything off shelves, out of cabinets, runs around and is always on the go (people always say she acts like a boy and I obviously give her too much sugar). It's who she is---its her personality. I am hoping this LO is a little more calm!

With all that, your LO could have the same disposition as your DD or he could be high energy and into everything. However, in the end how you parent greatly affects how your children typically behave. Don't stress I am sure your son will be a blessing no matter what! Maybe you will be the one giving her some tips!

Airynn Chica · February 2014

On the tag of "just you wait", my friend used to say this to me all the time when I would tell her she gives her kids anything they want (caused huge problems if I was babysitting and when I stayed with her)....Then I had my first and she has realized that I really don't give in to her every whim. So your friend will see when your LO comes.

snowclouds · February 2014

Every child is different. I have a boy and compared to my nieces he moves a lot more and is more active and doesn't like to just sit there and have a tea party, but he also has never peed around the house, thrown food for fun without consequences or made holes in walls. Some of this is parental discipline that is lacking and some of it can be a child (or children) who are very strong willed and spirited.

You do your best with your kids, but don't expect your boy to act like hers just because he's a boy.

EnFuego12 · February 2014

She's crazy! Plain and simple.

I have two boys that are irish twins (so maybe I can't get full credit for understanding her situation) and they are AWESOME! They're boys and I wouldn't want them any other way. But, I would NEVER allow them to put holes in the walls (how is that possible from a 2 year old???) or pee all over the house. She needs to spend some time evaluating her parenting skills instead of trying to scare the crap out of you. The boys do stuff and I often wonder where they come up with it but just chalk it up to being boys. Most often I end up giggling to myself about their shennanigans.

I do think girls and boys differ, but not in a terroristic kind of way. I just had a sister growing up and never realized the craziness that boys can come up with (girls are a whole other scary/intimidating world for me!). It's FUN though! You will LOVE your little man and see that boys are an extra special gift to their Mamas!

haziedaze · February 2014

Another boy mom here to say that boys are awesome! I do notice that he seems behind his girl peers verbally and attention span wise but he can kick a ball a mile and catch and throw pretty well. He's also crazy sweet and his love for his mama is intense. He's the best little cuddler and sometimes it seems like he just wants to crawl back inside me. He can also be tender and loving, watching him take care of his "babies" makes me so excited to see him as a big brother. I'm thrilled to be having another boy... would I like to shop for dresses and hair bows, sure, but his cuddles and love and energy are so much fun! No holes in walls, spaghetti throwing, or peeing around the house here either.

sarahbeth27 · February 2014

Ugh. How annoying. Your friend is being a twat!

In my opinion, boys are different from girls in some ways. You will likely have more pee on the floor/walls/etc than with a girl. Ha. Boys play differently than girls too, they are just rowdy.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean anything. DS is ornery and loves to roughhouse and tackle but he has yet to throw spaghetti in anyones face &/or put a hole in my wall.

Sounds like your friends kids could use some discipline and she's trying to make herself feel better about their behavior by classifying it as "normal boy behavior"... which it is not.

ETA: I just read some responses... really, no one else has a 2.5 year old who misses the toilet? DS insists on standing on a stool and peeing like daddy. His aim could use some work! lol

kali55 · February 2014

I just wanted to chime in with my two cents. I don't think it's a boy vs. girl thing, I think every child is different. I was not expecting to have the boy that I have. My Mom always told me how easy my brother and I were and my son is not easy. He is a spirited and willful little two year old. He is a lovely boy, don't get me wrong, but his levels of energy and willfulness are beyond my capabilities sometimes. DH and I both discipline him, but sometimes I feel like I have to pick my battles because otherwise my son would be having time outs all day. That being said, I've had plenty of friends have little boys since I've had my son who are nothing like him, so I would never tell anyone "Look what having a little boy is like, just you wait". I just wait for the friend who has a little boy OR girl who is spirited and offer my support.

AcaAwkward · February 2014

Like so many others have said, it sounds like she just overwhelmed and looking to commiserate with someone. At some point, no matter how "spirited" your kids are, you as a parent are responsible for their behavior! Toddlers shouldn't be knocking holes in walls and throwing food repeatedly -- age appropriate discipline, people!!! DD can be quite saucy and she started swatting at our faces a few months ago when we made her do something she didn't want to do... We nipped that in the bud pretty quickly with time out and stern directives, re: we don't hit.

I have no doubt your DS will be different than your DD just bc all kiddos are different and bring their own joys and challenges. I am sure he will be just as delightful, though - don't fret!

Bees Everywhere · February 2014

Ugh I'm rolling my eyes here. I've definitely cleaned up a lot of pee off the floor (it's not a big deal). My son is a little tornado of energy and wants to climb everything. He did actually put a hole in the wall last week- he was playing with the door stop in his room and it got stuck bent down in the carpet unbeknownst to me and when he opened the door the handle smashed into the wall and...volià a hole. He loves to roughhouse- that's his favorite form of play, he gets laughing so hard with DH.

I guess this means I'm an overwhelmed Mom and my son is undisciplined.... He'll be two in April btw.

Oh and btw, he also helped to patch the hole and especially sand it. Yesterday he helped me shovel the driveway (he LOVES to help with chores especially if they involve machinery like a vacuum.) He's an awesome and funny kid and he's "all boy." No, not every boy is like this and it's always annoying to hear "just you wait..." because who the hell knows what your kid is going to be like- he could be super chill. My son is in no way a terror and, although he's extremely strong willed and energetic, I wouldn't trade any of it.

But it's also obnoxious as hell to hear that I'm not doing my job disciplining him or my parenting is lacking because your kid is different from mine. God, that's obnoxious.

RocksInTheWater · February 2014

Holljade said:

I always worry I am one of those moms who gives discouraging advice. It's not my intention.

In my experience, I like to be honest. Shit was HARD when DD had colic, I'm not going to sit around and say how awesome it was.

I'm not sure if there is a back story on your friend, but maybe she just wants to be honest?

Also, sometimes I feel like the crazy stuff DD does is funny and will let my friends in on it.

Now that I see all these responses on how that kind of advice looks to others I may need to rethink what/how I tell people....

You shouldn't have to be dishonest about that. What OP was saying is that her friend talks about how difficult her boys are then says "just you wait" as if OP's son is going to be just like that. It would be like you saying that a baby with colic is very hard to deal with so your friend's baby will automatically have colic too.

MamaFantastic · February 2014

she sounds frustrated and bitter at the age/stage/phase her boys are in. i'm guessing it's a "misery loves company" type motivation behind all of her incessant reminders that little boys suck the life out of you.

if she's your best friend, i'd just level with her and ask her about her motive behind the comments. maybe it would open up a door for you to support her.

i won't lie... i only know what it's like to parent a boy so far, but i had some ROUGH patches in the 2-3 years old zone. i wanted to sell my son. if he was twins, i think i just might have attempted to do that....

but my kiddo is his own personality, and although he's awesome and fun, he's a challenge. not all boys are that way. not at all! and i know plenty of girls who are walking talking little hellions too. it's a personality thing for sure.

luvU2theMoon · February 2014

i see extremely naughty girls that are just as out of control as these boys our describing. My cousin has two little girls and i would go nuts with them! But that doesnt mean my little girl is going to be horrid. My boyfriend has a boy who is now 8 and i came into his life when he was just turning two. He has never once done anything like that and is not crazy at all. he had his terrible two moments but nothing that any other kid would go through. If your little girl is well behaved and great then chances are you did an awesome job raising her and your boy will probably follow that trend. I hear boys can be a little more rowdy than girls but nothing crazy.

ETA: two of my friends have two kids each one has a girl and boy- they are both out of control and i cant stand being around them. my other friend has two boys and they are the sweetest most cuddleist kids to be around. Love them to pieces! i dont think its a gender thing i think its the way they are raised.

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