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attachment and Ferber questions

mrshudson618mrshudson618 member
in July 2013 Moms
WE have decided that we need to try to do something about DS's sleeping, and reading the Ferber book, it looks like it could work for us. (especially because DH was suggesting CIO. um, no. This could be a good compromise.)

The problem is that DS seems to be going through some kind of attachment issue the past week or two. I cannot put him down without him flipping out. Not even in his exersaucer that he loves. I used to be able to get things done while he played with his toys on the floor, but not now. It is an attention thing because if I leave the room or his line of sight he will calm after a minute or two and play like before. 

Is this attachment/attention thing something that he will get over soonish? Should I wait it out  before we try the Ferber method? Or should we just go ahead and try it now anyway?

Who has tried Ferber and how did it go?

Married 6/18/11
BFP #1 10/26/12 DS born 6/30/13
BFP #2 10/30/13 MC 11/25/13
BFP #3 1/18/14 DS #2 born 10/7/14
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Re: attachment and Ferber questions

  • Sami0726Sami0726 member
    No suggestions here but I hope it works for you.
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  • redhead610redhead610 member
    edited February 2014
    We did it at 6 months. The first night was hard. By the second night, it was easier. After a few nights, he was sttn again. He now goes down at night immediately or with a minute of fussing and then he is out. He has had a couple nights in the last month whete he wakes up for a few minutes but goes back to sleep quickly. We are still working.on napping consistently.

    You are not technically supposed to do it when they are going through teething or another "phase". However, if it gets to the point where you can never set him down anyway without him crying, it may be worth it to go ahead and try it if all of his other needs are met (not hungry, wet, etc). I feel like my ds has been constantly teething since 2 months with no teeth yet.

    I can say that I am happy we decided to do the Ferber method. Dh and I mostly have our sanity back now, minus the tough times with naps.


    If you have any other questions I would be happy to try to help.
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  • mrshudson618mrshudson618 member
    I know that it makes sense to wait, but it just sucks so bad- I don't get a minutes peace during the day OR night. I could deal with horrible nights so much better when the days were pleasant.

    Has anyone gone through this yet and know how long it lasts?
    Married 6/18/11
    BFP #1 10/26/12 DS born 6/30/13
    BFP #2 10/30/13 MC 11/25/13
    BFP #3 1/18/14 DS #2 born 10/7/14
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  • heatherbrownmheatherbrownm member
    Also, have you tried babywearing? I get so much stuff done by just wearing her a lot.
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  • mrshudson618mrshudson618 member
    hplusb said:
    Also, have you tried babywearing? I get so much stuff done by just wearing her a lot.
    He hates it. It is dumb. He doesn't actually want to be held most of the time. he wants me to sit beside him on the floor and let him flop around on my lap. He is a climber-wants to be touching me, but hates being restricted.
    Married 6/18/11
    BFP #1 10/26/12 DS born 6/30/13
    BFP #2 10/30/13 MC 11/25/13
    BFP #3 1/18/14 DS #2 born 10/7/14
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  • heatherbrownmheatherbrownm member
    mrshudson618 said:


    hplusb said:

    Also, have you tried babywearing? I get so much stuff done by just wearing her a lot.

    He hates it. It is dumb. He doesn't actually want to be held most of the time. he wants me to sit beside him on the floor and let him flop around on my lap. He is a climber-wants to be touching me, but hates being restricted.

    How long do you keep him in the carrier before taking him out? Some babies put up a fight right away, but then the settle and love to be worn, but it seems like they hate it at first.
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  • flkongflkong member
    I did Ferber with LO and DD1. It worked both times. I lay M down now when she's sleepy and she doesn't even stir. She sucks her fingers and goes to sleep. She sleeps for 9-10 hours every night. If she cries, I pick her back up bc that means she's not quite sleepy enough.
    I did Ferber when I introduced solids so I was assured that she wasn't hungry thru the night.
    I also modified the length of time that Ferber recommended. If it said 10 minutes, I did it for 7 min and so on. She was sleep trained in 2 nights. I did extra comforting too. When I went in, I picked her up and snuggleded for 3 minutes each time.
    Before this, she woke up every 2 hrs. day and night.

    I read somewhere that if you keep feeding a baby thru the night, they're smart so they'll constantly wake up to be fed. Once they learn that they won't have middle of the night feeds, they sleep. This is why we wait until they're taking solids.

    I would wait until his separation anxiety is better.
    Also, some babies are more persistent and don't sleep train as easy. In that case, I wouldn't have been able to sleep train. My kids were like "fuq it, she's taking too long to come in. I'm going to sleep". So they were easy to sleep train.
                                   






     
                                 
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  • Pink724Pink724 member
    Have you tried introducing a lovey of some sort? Wear it around for a few days and then give it to him while you are next to him. Perhaps after a while he will accept it instead of you all the time? That sounds bad but I'm sure you know what I mean (you'll obviously never be replaced!).
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  • flkongflkong member
    livvyx said:
    One of the reasons I thought it wasn't for me is that DD really hates her solids so I think she is actually hungry during the night. Will a baby put herself back to sleep even if she is hungry? Or should there be a night feed? Do you know, @fklang ?
    If I had even a remote thought that the baby was hungry, I would feed her. It's said that at 4-6 mths they're able to STTN without motn feeds. But, meh....I felt better knowing she had something heavier than BM on her tummy. I guess that's the old fashion mom in me.
    @livvyx, my DD isn't crazy about solids but she takes them. I did oatmeal mixed with bm 1st so it would be a familiar taste for her.  
                                   






     
                                 
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  • stephyfaithstephyfaith member
    DD STTN pretty early on but there have been phases where she wakes up a lot more. I feed her cause I figure she needs it and is boosting my supply etc if needed. I can also tell if she's just fussing and wants a little comfort or if she's legit mad/needs food ASAP. Sometimes I wish babies came with a specific manual for each model/individual baby. ;)
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  • flkongflkong member
    edited February 2014

    thegoodpotato said:
    fklang said:
    I know this is a contraversial topic but when I was feeding M every 2 hrs day and night for 4.5 mths, something had to give. Do I continue to parent half assed bc I'm walking around like a zombie trying to care for LO and DD1? Or, do I try to ST when the time is right for us and be a better mom to all 3 kids and a better wife bc I'm sleeping for more than 2 hrs at a time?  I chose the latter. 

    I agree with a good bit of the ST advice on here. The rest....meh....

    I trust my parenting instinct so I didn't need anyone to validate/invalidate my decision. 
    I think you have to use common sense. If the baby is teething, possibly hungry or persistent with their cry, by all means... pick 'em up, feed them, change them, hold them.....please care for them. If you're unsure about their cry, care for them just in case.  You can't go wrong there. 
    Because of the controversy around ST on here, I feel like maybe non ST moms feel like we're maybe a little cold and heartless with our kids, but this sums it up nicely. Use common sense. I can tell when A is complaining about going to sleep, or whether she *needs* something like food, a change, or even a rock. Although we used ST, I understand that she does need to be rocked sometimes if she's just not feeling right, just to put her over the edge into sleep.  She has varying cries that let me know when something is wrong as opposed to putting up a sleep fight.

    I really don't want people to think I let my baby cry regardless of how or why she's crying....  When she truly does need that comfort, I give her comfort.

    Of course, this is all based on my personal experience - I admit to never having read a parenting book.  But none of my kids have spontaneously combusted yet..... ;)

    As for OP, I would wait out the separation anxiety.  There's no need to put more stress on a baby that is working on some kind of mental development. Once he's ok being put down again, you can decide whether to try ST. 

    (Sorry, I'm feeling a little sensitive today because DH and I had a very minor conversation about my pragmatism and emotionless behaviour. I am not an emotional person by nature, and I know I come off cold to some people.... I just never knew my H felt that way.  Just because I keep my feels on the inside doesn't mean I don't have the feels.  I'm in the midst of processing this......

     /End J13 hijack/therapy session.)
    This sums it up perfectly too!  :) I think you  learn to interpret their cries. FTR, I cuddle DD every night before I lay her down. I lay her on my chest and pat her bottom and kiss her uncountable amounts of times bc it helps relax her. Then I lay her down and 90% of the time, she goes right to sleep. If not, I pick her up and feed and cuddle again until she doesn't protest being layed down. 

    This is coming from someone who is an affectionate touchy feely wuss by nature. 
                                   






     
                                 
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  • mrshudson618mrshudson618 member
    My understanding of the sleep training and feeding is that sleep training is to teach them to put themselves back to sleep, not to jot wake up. So once they understand the concept you know when they need to eat because they won't go bak to sleep on their own. And as it is now we wake up 6+ times a night, but he only eats 2 or 3 times and i can tell when he is hungry or not so that would still apply when we start sleep training.
    Married 6/18/11
    BFP #1 10/26/12 DS born 6/30/13
    BFP #2 10/30/13 MC 11/25/13
    BFP #3 1/18/14 DS #2 born 10/7/14
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  • thegoodpotatothegoodpotato
    mrshudson618 said:
    My understanding of the sleep training and feeding is that sleep training is to teach them to put themselves back to sleep, not to jot wake up. So once they understand the concept you know when they need to eat because they won't go bak to sleep on their own. And as it is now we wake up 6+ times a night, but he only eats 2 or 3 times and i can tell when he is hungry or not so that would still apply when we start sleep training.
    I think this is essentially it.  I only do "sleep training" for night time and nap time put downs. Not middle of the night feeds (when she was up at night she essentially put herself to sleep while eating anyway). I have found, though, that teaching them to self-soothe to put themselves to sleep, it helps with those middle of the night wakings, too. They can wake up and groan a bit, then go back to sleep. I think it helps with sleep all around.

    But if you're unsure about it, I would definitely read some books.  I've just done what has come by instinct with some advice from friends and neighbors. :)

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  • Nickel726Nickel726 member
    We gave it a try and I am completely stunned by my LO. I use to stand (he would cry if I sat down) and rock him each and every time he went to sleep. Bc of ST I can lay him down awake and he will get in position to fall asleep. My LO went from waking up 6+ times per night to 0-1 times per night and his naps have also improved tremendously. He is so much happier and well rested. I agree with pervious posters that this may not be the optimal time to do it. But I would use this time to prepare. I kept a sleep log for a week to see how long my son could go between naps and what time is his optimal bedtime. I introduced an angel dear lovey bc he doesn't take a pacifier. I made sure I was doing the exact same routine before naps and bed. I really listened to his cries to figure out what he was saying (mad/overtired/uncomfortable/upset). The first time I used Feber method instead of rocking him, he cried off and on for 55 minutes and then he fell asleep. The most interesting thing happened during that time-- he found a position he was comfortable in. He likes to lay with both arms above his head with his face pressed into the mattress. I honestly believe that because I was holding him then laying him down with his arms to his side, face facing upward he wasn't comfortable. This led to him moving his arms and head in an effort to get comfortable, which ultimately woke him up. Of course I always scooped in to rock him in order to settle him. This cycle continued all night long. Now I put him in his crib, he puts his arms up, turns his face and is asleep in 5 minutes. While ST may not be for everyone, I believe it gave my son the space to figure out how to lay so he was comfortable. I can honestly say he cried far more tears before we ST. I hope you find what works for you and your LO. Good luck!!
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    Mamasighs said:

    Now would not be a good time. Wait a week or two and reevaluate.

    Agree. The Separation Anxiety comes in waves.


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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    Also please note I did not start this discussion! ;)


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  • MagickalNarwhalMagickalNarwhal member
    My older kid had separation anxiety most of his first year. At some point I just had to move forward. Honesty I really doubt there was a 7 day period from 6-12 months that my son was free of teething, developmental leaps, growth spurts and separation anxiety.

    I also did not sleep train in an effort to get him to sttn. He had at least one night feed till almost a year (and I was 100% fine with that). The awesome thing about sleep training is that if he cried I knew he needed something and went to him immediately after he learned to fall asleep on his own after the first 2 days.
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    Mamasighs said:

    OP just to clarify if you try ST in the middle of separation anxiety it's not that it won't work at all, but that your baby will cry harder and for much longer and both of you will be way more stressed than is necessary. It might take many more nights than if you were to wait for a time when your baby is generally calmer. A week or two in a baby's life is a ton of time and can make so much difference. In the meantime I hope someone is available to give you some breaks - you're right to feel exasperated. Separation anxiety, especially the first of it, is tough.

    =D> Bravo!


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  • mrshudson618mrshudson618 member
    MagickalNarwhal said:

    My older kid had separation anxiety most of his first year. At some point I just had to move forward. Honesty I really doubt there was a 7 day period from 6-12 months that my son was free of teething, developmental leaps, growth spurts and separation anxiety.

    I also did not sleep train in an effort to get him to sttn. He had at least one night feed till almost a year (and I was 100% fine with that). The awesome thing about sleep training is that if he cried I knew he needed something and went to him immediately after he learned to fall asleep on his own after the first 2 days.

    I guess this is what I was asking. If the separation anxiety is going to last a few months then I would go ahead an try it now, but if it lasts a couple weeks then I would wait.
    Obviously like everything else there is no way to tell what my son will be like, so I will wait a couple weeks and see.
    Married 6/18/11
    BFP #1 10/26/12 DS born 6/30/13
    BFP #2 10/30/13 MC 11/25/13
    BFP #3 1/18/14 DS #2 born 10/7/14
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