PPD made me into a monster

postpartum depression since October and also trying to cope with a miscarriage. Im to the point now I can atleast focus enough to sit still and watch tv, but now that my mind is starting to come to terms with the way I have been acting I've realized alot. I harassed my poor bf well ex bf now to death to the point he wants nothing more to do with me. I quit my job cause it had gotten to the point I couldn't sit still I was constantly riding and crying. I have gotten my anger and the crying under control, however I still have mini panic attacks Im having one right now. I was a horrible person and idk why this happen to me? When I lost my baby the horrible heartless nurse rolled him up in the bed mat I was laying on and put him in the trash like he was nothing. That image is imprinted on my brain its pure torture. My now ex bf had sickle cell and he blamed himself for the baby dying because they told us he was sick from the beginning. I just want my life back so badly I'm so scared I lost him. I checked my self into the hospital and got help, but now I have a clear mind but a lot of wrongs Idk how to fix. Has anyone every been through this with their bf or husband? We were suppose to be getting married in March I went on and on so horribly the last thing he told me was to lose his number and to never speak to him again. I became a person I didn't even know I was always the happy person I never been so drepressed in my life.