Got into an argument with DH last night

bingbongsmama · February 2014

I'm stressed and anxious about everything that needs to get done in preparation for the baby. I started asking him to do things 3 months ago. I made lists and he agreed to do these things. He's so disorganized and can never seem to get his act together. He says he's too busy but I know he's not prioritizing, forgets, doesn't write things down so it slips his mind.

I told him he's a liar. When you repeatedly say you're going to do something and you don't do it, you've lied. I don't give a shit about the intention to do it. I'm sick of nagging, begging, crying. He's so much stronger than me, it's so easy for him to pull boxes of DD's old baby gear out of the closet for me to go through. I do it and I'm hurting for the next 2 days.

This morning he was supposed to go to a class. It started 10 minutes ago (it's 15 mins away) and wouldnt you know it, he's fast asleep. This is a regular occurrence with him. Even though he has to wake up at a certain time, he forgets to set his alarm. So obviously he's missed the class - again.

He's an excellent dad, I can't say that enough. But I'm so damn tired of his disorganization and what I have to deal with having a partner like that. I'm in a constant state of panic over this. Why can't I have things go smoothly and ready in advance? Why do I have to be anxious and scramble to get things done last minute, rush and be late to things just because that's how he functions? I'm just so sick of it.
Thanks for listening...

SmittyPants · February 2014

My DH is the same way to an extent. I have to remind him five million times to do something. I've tried writing stuff down in a dry erase board, leaving notes, setting alarms on his phone- nothing seems to work. His not doing things I ask isn't out of malice or laziness or an unwillingness to do them, he's just forgetful.

I've made peace with it for the most part. There are still times when it drives me nuts, but I have to remember that it's just the way he is. I figure if this is my biggest complaint about my husband then I'm in a pretty good place.

Andreabills · February 2014

My DH is the same way, ADD to his core. I have to remind/nag him to do things but usually if I tell him I'm going to do something he said he would do he gets up and does it. I agree with @smittypants, this is my only complaint so most of the time I suck it up and deal with it. About every 3-4 months we have the "you put me in the position of being a bitchy nag or doing everything myself" conversation and it gets better for a while after that.

legallyginger · February 2014

SmittyPants said:

My DH is the same way to an extent. I have to remind him five million times to do something. I've tried writing stuff down in a dry erase board, leaving notes, setting alarms on his phone- nothing seems to work. His not doing things I ask isn't out of malice or laziness or an unwillingness to do them, he's just forgetful. I've made peace with it for the most part. There are still times when it drives me nuts, but I have to remember that it's just the way he is. I figure if this is my biggest complaint about my husband then I'm in a pretty good place.

Mine is also like this. Nothing could get him to move if he wasn't inclined to- he would casually stroll out of a burning building, and I am much more high-strung. I've also tried to make peace with it, but I do get frustrated sometimes.

When I do get upset, I try to talk to him rationally about it. I don't go into it saying he needs to change, I try to explain to him why it is so important to me that he do certain things within a certain timeframe and in a certain way. I frame it so that it's more about my issues and less about laying blame on him. Now he knows why I nag- I have control issues, I have anxiety, and having things left undone that I need help with makes those things worse. I think knowing that gives him a little extra push to work with me.

cdnmomma · February 2014

Mine is the same. I've been up for two hours waiting for him to wake up. He needs me to remind him to do absolutely everything. It's exhausting. Lists help. Get a little whiteboard and just write on there what needs to be done. The ability to constantly nag but not ever have to open your mouth is amazing!

bingbongsmama · February 2014

Andreabills said:
. About every 3-4 months we have the "you put me in the position of being a bitchy nag or doing everything myself" conversation and it gets better for a while after that.

This has been us over the past 8 years we've been together. He's scared of losing me so he'll hurry up and do things to prove he cares. But that only lasts a couple days tops and then he's back to his old ways. He doesn't do anything to change long term, doesn't commit to making lists or coming up with a daily/weekly plan of when to get things done, like I've suggestion a million times.

I'm more bothered by it now while I'm pregnant and very emotional. We've had this "talk" at least twice just in the last month or so.

Hdhtk4 · February 2014

Ugh my DH is the same way. It is very frustrating. I've had a to-do list of 7 items hanging on the refrigerator for the last two weeks and so far he has only accomplished 2. If I remind him about the list he gets defensive. I understand he works super hard all day and when he gets home he is tired, but I also work hard all day and am tired when I get home on top of being pregnant. The difference is I'm the one that still has to clean, cook, grade school papers, etc. He usually sits on the couch and goes to sleep. I'm hoping he magically becomes more responsible after LO arrives?

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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angelsnight · February 2014

Wow, you've all described MH perfectly. I've been patiently waiting for him to put the nursery furniture together for the last three weeks, and I have no clue what he is waiting for.

He knows she's coming in six weeks or less, it's not like that hasn't crossed his mind. And for me it's not even the issue of it not being set up and her coming early, because I know if that were to happen, Nana, Papa, and grandpa would all be over here setting up the nursery while we're in the hospital. They would never let us come home without a place for their granddaughter to sleep.

But since our shower last weekend, all of the gifts are piled in the living room and kitchen because I have no place to put them. I did all the laundry but I can't put most stuff away because the dresser isn't put together. There is still a lot of stuff we need to go buy, but we cannot because there is no place to put the stuff we already have. So it's driving me nuts that his lack of urgency is holding me up and it's making me anxious.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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bingbongsmama · February 2014

I've tried the emails with lists, constant reminders and also the white board on the fridge. He's even written things on the white board himself and still doesn't do it!

Today I'm mostly pissed about him missing the class and then coming up with lame excuses. If he made it a priority, got his ass to bed at a normal time, he would have been able to go.

It's just typical of his disorganized behavior. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm so angry. Sometimes I think I hate him for putting me through this.

pepperedmoth · February 2014

I'm with @dotgirl2! I'm the one that's more like this in our relationship.

A lot of our problems arise because we prioritize things differently. I'm gonna guess that a lot of the instances given in this thread are the same way.

For example, IDGAF that MH hasn't cleared out the dresser we're going to use for baby clothes (right now it has his things in it). From my POV, what's the worst that's going to happen? The baby clothes are in a Tupperware tub. So we use that as a dresser for a few weeks? So what?

If MH kept nagging me about the stupid dresser (he doesn't care either, plus it's his dresser, so this is hypothetical) I'd be pissed. I'm worried about a gajillion other things that I see as WAY more important (doctors, hospital bills, maternity leave, the car seat, finances), and he's going on about where to keep the onesies? I'd be too busy eye-rolling to get anything done.

And no, that's not fair, and not a good way to run a relationship (either the nagging OR the eye-rolling).

I, and I think 99% of the humanity, respond to my spouse much better when, instead of assuming that the things he thinks are important I ALSO think are important (because often I don't, which is why I don't do them), we can sit down and prioritize TOGETHER.

Really the two of you need need to work this out as a UNIT. "Honey-do" lists are annoying because they're only one person's perspective on what matters the most.

Tl;dr ---- ditch the lists and prioritize together so he has some buy-in.

babylimas · February 2014

My H can be like this - especially the part about the alarm clocks. He has absolutely no sense of time. I still get annoyed sometimes, but it has been insanely freeing to just become hands off about his decisions. If he doesn't wake up when he's supposed to, that's not my problem. I make it very clear that I won't wake him up. I also try very hard not to nag him about projects. He takes sooooo long to get things done, and part of it is which jobs he thinks are urgent and when he thinks they need to be done.

If he doesn't agree with my timeline then I do it myself. I built a massive dresser all by myself a couple of weeks ago and pulled all of the clothes boxes out of the attic when I needed them. I also find when I'm working, he ends up helping out, so things get done.

AnonymousMotherOfOne · February 2014

Prioritizing things in ways that make sense to both MH and I is kind of difficult for us too; I'm all about getting things clean and organized, and he's more worried about finances for the most part. I get that; I've been basically out of work since the beginning of the year, and you're working two jobs on top of going to school.

I think the big thing is just talking about what is frustrating us, and more importantly, why it bothers us. I think we both tend to be a little too stubborn sometimes, but we're both more open to making changes (no matter how small they are) to make the other happy. For instance, I don't ask him to help clean up around the house when he's had a long day of school and work, and he doesn't bug me about the fact that I'm unable to find a new job at seven and a half months pregnant.

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