What would you do?

jensavicci · January 2014

Ok so, as many of you know, I'm going through a separation with my wife at the moment. Not a divorce. just taking some time to "date" each other again. However, my mother (who does not support my being gay) has taken this as a "sign from god" that I'm really meant to be with a man. She's been telling women at her church that I am now single and looking for the right man to take care of my children. I've told her I'm not single, I've told her I'm not sexually attracted to men but, she insists that I just haven't met the right man yet. She's even been asking my kids if they want a "daddy". I'm losing patience with this woman because this whole anti-gay thing has been happening for years. But, I really want her to have a relationship with my children and family because when shes not talking anti-gay she's a not a bad person. I also know that I wouldn't want to be denied of my own grandchildren so, I feel bad to deny her. It would be a no brainer for me to say to someone else to not keep contact with their mother but, this time, it's my own mother and its a lot harder.

So, what would you guys do and what do you think I should do? Am I being too nice? And she does not believe in therapy. So that's out. She's a "pray for help" kind of woman.

earichar23 · January 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this with your mother. I would strongly advise against breaking off your relationship with her no matter how uncomfortable she makes your life. Sadly, I'm sure she feels she is speaking from a place of love. I can only suggest telling her that you prefer she not involve herself in her private affairs and when she brings it up change the subject.

lindslalala · January 2014

Honestly, the part about asking your kids if they want a dad would be enough for me to let her know if she wants to see the kids she needs to knock that sort of talk off. You need her support now more than ever and her blatant disapproval of your life would make me want to take a step back from her. Hang in there

SuperTinkerham · January 2014

Hugs to you. I have no advice. I would be furious. And very hurt.

PenelopeSnuz77 · January 2014

I agree with PP. She would have to cut out the hate-speak to the kids if she wants time with them. I don't think you should cut her off, but maybe she us limited to phone calls with you until she can behave?

I would be very angry, but that's probably the last thing you want to worry about right now. Space from your mother while you have time to figure out things with your wife might be just what the doctor ordered.

Ylvelill · January 2014

I think setting boundaries would be good. I would let her know how important it is to you that she be in the children's life, but you will not accept her undermining you or your lifestyle to the children or others. So she would have to make the choice, is her shoving her beliefs on you and your children more important than being their grandmother.

abunai523 · January 2014

Ugh, what a mess! I'm sorry she's putting you in this position. I agree with the other ladies, asking your kids that is out of bounds, and I'd have a serious talk with her. Stress that you want to have a relationship with her and you want your kids to as well but if she wants that to happen she needs to respect you enough to stop trying to interfere. She has made her opinion clear, and continuing to push it is just hurting you. I'm sure this is something that will never go away fully, but hopefully it can be improved somewhat, at least for the kid's sake.

TurtleMonsters · January 2014

I'd also make a point of all the good things she does that you appreciate, but that she needs to stop talking anything anti-gay etc. that talk would be acceptable to a child in any love relationship circumstance...that's not her business or your children's, KWIM? My MIL used to go off on FIL (how she hated whatever) to my husband when he was quite young, it was not healthy. his relationship with his mom has suffered due to that and other crap she's pulled- she's not allowed around our child unattened, and more recently, she's become too much and we just don't see her. Relationship stuff, that stuff isn't a child's business. she doesn't even have to agree with your life choices, she just has to not talk about them.

pfeilele · January 2014

Your mother, or anyone for that matter, shouldn't be talking poorly about you or your DW in front of your children. If that can't stop, she needs to have a little break from your lives. Not for good, but a little breathing room. I'm guessing DW will be a part of their lives no matter what?? If so, your kids shouldn't be made to feel like she's not adequate enough because she's not a "dad".

jensavicci · January 2014

Thank you guys! Great advice. I will definitely be having a nice long conversation with her about this. She may not speak to my children with that kind of attitude. If they really mean something to her, she'll respect the lifestyle I chose for my family. I just hope she actually does learn to respect it.

SweetTamale38 · January 2014

I had a really rough time with my mother when I was younger. I am glad that I didn't let myself turn my back on her forever. Moms, no matter how difficult sometimes, are a blessing. If they have toxic behavior though, you are in the right to tell her how you need things to change, especially if it's affecting the children. I am wishing you lots of strength and clarity as you prepare to discuss things with her. I hope she will see that hurting you with these words is not helping you find peace in your life. I hope it goes well. Hugs.

mecheller88 · January 2014

I would be so upset. I understand that you do not want to deny her from your children but by her asking them if they want a daddy and airing your personal business to others at church is just unacceptable. Maybe sit down and talk to her and explain that you are never going to be with a man she needs to get over it and move on. Let her know that if she can not accept who you are then her time with you and your children will be limited. I definitely think you are being too nice you need to put your foot down with her.

Ecomom17 · January 2014

I've been wondering how things are going with your wife. I can't believe on top of all that you have to put up with crap like this from your own mother.

You're right, it's very easy for someone outside the situation to say that you should just cut ties. I do think it's important to set clear boundaries and tell her that saying things like that to your CHILDREN and people at her church is absolutely unacceptable. If she can't keep her beliefs between her and God (and maybe her priest), then she shouldn't be around your kids, at least. I know that sounds harsh, but imagine how damaging all of this is going to be to their identities if they're brainwashed into thinking there's something wrong with who their parents are. Ugh. I know it must be horrible to think about severing or distancing yourself from your relationship with your mother, but your children deserve protection.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. I really hope things work out for you and your wife and that your mother can remember that you're her daughter and she loves you and should try to accept who you are.

allardr · January 2014

I'd just make it clear to her what kind of "talk" was acceptable especially around the kids. I wouldn't make ultimatums but just a general, "if you can't respect my wishes then we'll probably end up spending less time together." Maybe even do things at neutral locations for awhile, like meet at the park or meet for lunch. That way if things go in the wrong direction you guys can just pick up and leave.

Skeemer · January 2014

Ylvelill said:

I think setting boundaries would be good. I would let her know how important it is to you that she be in the children's life, but you will not accept her undermining you or your lifestyle to the children or others. So she would have to make the choice, is her shoving her beliefs on you and your children more important than being their grandmother.

Very well said.

OP, even if your mother doesn't not agree with your lifestyle it doesn't give her the right to undermine you to your children or ask them inappropriate questions about having a daddy. I would hope she could put the children's best interest in mind & not antagonize the situation with bad remarks.

Good luck!

Unknown · January 2014

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TGager · January 2014

I agree with all the other posters about having a serious conversation with your mom and setting the boundaries of what is appropriate when speaking with your children.

I really just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through all of this right now and send hugs and smiles your way

:x

AllisonLaurenn · February 2014

@jensavicci - Any update? Were you able to talk with your mom and if so has your mom been any better? I was looking back for update on the situation w your wife and saw I had missed this post last month.

ghostof5letters · February 2014

Honestly? Involving the kids would bother me and we'd have a frank discussion about that. The rest of it, I'd just deal with and roll my eyes or develop snarky comebacks.

ashcross · February 2014

I completely agree with the other PP's. You seem like a very well round, intelligent and strong woman and know that your children come first. It's not okay for your mother to undermine you even if it's under the best intentions. Your children are at the ages they don't need that kind of confusion. I just remember the story you told about your oldest son saying he had two mommies to his school mates and sticking up for you which was amazing btw. They don't need grandma confusing them. It sounds like you already are headed down the right path to handling the situation. My thoughts are with you during this stressful time.

jensavicci · February 2014

AllisonLaurenn said:
@jensavicci - Any update? Were you able to talk with your mom and if so has your mom been any better? I was looking back for update on the situation w your wife and saw I had missed this post last month.

Aw thanks for asking! I appreciate it

I had a talk with her and while, as usual, she tried to put her two cents in, this time I took charge and told her things have got to change. I think I surprised her because she's always had the upper hand. She was actually angry with me for a few days after talking to her. You know, the whole "how dare you" thing. But, since then, she's come around and has been listening to me. She hasn't made any comments lately and has been a lot of help. She's very stubborn but she's still my mom and I love her. I know eventually she will completely keep quiet and accept me as I am.

JMCB09 · February 2014

I would send this to her everyday

AllisonLaurenn · February 2014

So good to hear!!!

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