Should I Be a SAHM??

patchen30 · February 2014

I'm looking for a little guidance in what I feel is a very confusing decision.

I have a 27 month old and a 9 month old. I've worked in the financial industry for 10 years at a company that I'm proud to work for. Although I find the industry interesting, I've never felt passionate about my specific field. This has never bothered me that much b/c it's interesting enough and I see work as work and find my passions elsewhere. After the birth of my 1st I went back to work part-time (an amazing gig in this industry) and now work 9-5 M, W and F. I have a nanny that comes to my home. When I went back to work after my first maternity leave I had to switch jobs and was not thrilled with the position, but the arrangement worked fine and I was happy. After having my second baby, nothing has changed except that I now give my ENTIRE paycheck to the nanny. So I'm breaking even working. I stayed in the job as a way to keep my foot in the door b/c ducking out for years on end would be a career killer.

My nanny recently quit and this is making me reevaluate the entire situation. I'm weighing the fact that I don't love my job and am making literally no money and someone else is spending precious time with my kids against the fact that I'm afraid to give up the part-time arrangement I have b/c it'll be nearly impossible to find that again. My options are to quit and stay and home but dabble in consulting to keep my resume fresh (so I don't kill my career), or stick with the part-time arrangement for the long-term benefit.

What would you do? My gut tells me I want to be home with the kids, but I'm so afraid of such a huge change. My job/career has become part of my identity.

And here's some additional info I out up after I got some initial responses on the SAHM board: First, having a nanny in NYC for 2 children is less expensive than paying for daycare for 2 children. Second, if I quit I would find some way to keep my foot in the door - there is a demand for consulting/contract work in my field - so I'm not concerned that I wouldn't be able to get back in at all (or have to take a lesser-paying job etc), I just really worry about giving up the part time arrangement bc everyone tells me how awesome it is. I would hopefully be able to do intermittent consulting until I was ready to delve back in.

To give a little more color to the situation: we also plan on moving out of the city in 1-2 years at which point I'd be adding 2 hours to my day in a commute which would mean less time with the kids and I'd be in the red after paying that much more for childcare. So, I might end up quitting then anyway. Or maybe I wouldn't. Also, my growth at the firm has become a bit stagnant, maybe bc of the part-time arrangement, maybe bc of the new role I took on when I came back part time. I also know that on days I'm home with the kids I'm happier than days I'm working. I've always wanted to stay home with my babies, and I feel like this is such a short window of time when they're so young and I have the rest of my life to work. However, work is of course a nice break as well and I enjoy getting dressed up and having time to myself.

mittensonkittens · February 2014

It sounds like you know what you want, and you have a plan for making it work. Here are some more questions to think about. If I'm understanding correctly, you would do consulting work part time? Is it realistic to think that you can do enough consulting work to keep your skills current, but not so much that you would need childcare? If you plan to work from home on nights and weekends, you wouldn't have downtime. Will you really want to do that? What about the other benefits you get from your job (healthcare, 401k, etc). Does your DH's take home pay change when he is covering everything? How would your expenses change if you stayed at home? Would you need classes and activities to keep busy? What do those cost? After you settle in as a SAHM, would you be happy without the non-domestic accomplishments that work provides? Would your relationship with your DH change if you didn't work? Would he value your domestic accomplishments enough that you would still feel like equal partners?

iverske9 · February 2014

I think there is no wrong answer. If you want to stay home then stay home. I do not always love my job everyday but I love working as a whole. I like the challenge, financial security, and having an identity as a career person and being a mother. So for me it is a no brainer. I want to retire at a reasonable time, have extra's and worked very hard on my graduate degree. I also grew up with a working mother so I feel no guilt and know my kids will be happy. I am super close with my parents and three sisters, did well in life and would not change my childhood in any way.

It sounds like you want to stay home, if your only concern is keeping your foot in the door than work hard at consulting. Whether you stay home or work just do what is good for you and your family. There is no wrong answer here.

shannm · February 2014

Based on your post, I think that yes, you should make that change and leave your current employer.

It sounds like your biggest worry is that you would lose your identity. I think knowing that upfront you can try to prevent it, KWIM? Make sure you carve out time for yourself somehow. Particularly not something baby oriented. Not sure what your interests are but maybe it is a fitness class, training for a marathon, starting a book club, taking a cake decorating class, tutoring, volunteering, etc..

patchen30 · February 2014

ms.mittens said:
It sounds like you know what you want, and you have a plan for making it work. Here are some more questions to think about. If I'm understanding correctly, you would do consulting work part time? Is it realistic to think that you can do enough consulting work to keep your skills current, but not so much that you would need childcare? If you plan to work from home on nights and weekends, you wouldn't have downtime. Will you really want to do that? What about the other benefits you get from your job (healthcare, 401k, etc). Does your DH's take home pay change when he is covering everything? How would your expenses change if you stayed at home? Would you need classes and activities to keep busy? What do those cost? After you settle in as a SAHM, would you be happy without the non-domestic accomplishments that work provides? Would your relationship with your DH change if you didn't work? Would he value your domestic accomplishments enough that you would still feel like equal partners?

Great questions.

I would probably have to take full-time consulting work for periods of time (like a 3 month contract). I would need childcare. But, I could do this once every year or two to stay current. There wouldn't be night/weekend work in my field.

I'm on my DH's benefits already. We could afford to put into my 401k what I currently contribute.

I'm already paying for my nanny to do classes/activities so I'd just take them over.

As far as non-domestic accomplishments, it's impossible to say how I'd feel but I think I'd be satisfied bc I'm not getting huge props at work on a daily basis.

My DH is encouraging me to quit. It's again impossible to say whether our relationship would change.

patchen30 · February 2014

I definitely think my biggest concern is not losing my identity but rather giving up my part time deal bc I know those are hard to come by.

Mrs_Lady · February 2014

sounds like you have a plan. How long do you plan on being SAHM? I consulted part time for 18 months and will return to work FT in March. I just could not grasp newborn life and working as part of sr mgt. I vote keep a toe in the door if you will return within 2 years. Anything longer than that you may have to re-assess how you can rejoin workforce with continuing ed, certifications, volunteering etc in your field. Good luck! Such a tough and personal decision.

patchen30 · February 2014

Mrs_Lady said:
sounds like you have a plan. How long do you plan on being SAHM? I consulted part time for 18 months and will return to work FT in March. I just could not grasp newborn life and working as part of sr mgt.

I vote keep a toe in the door if you will return within 2 years. Anything longer than that you may have to re-assess how you can rejoin workforce with continuing ed, certifications, volunteering etc in your field.

Good luck! Such a tough and personal decision.

I would go back to something (or consulting) within 18 months, but I don't want to go back full time for maybe another 10 years. That's a long time to consult on/off, but it's also a long time to stay in my exact part time job especially with a commute added on. I have no idea what kinds of things will happen over that long a period of time.

Unknown · February 2014

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KL777 · February 2014

I couldn't see myself working just to pay a nanny. Yes, a part-time gig is great, but it doesn't sound like it outweighs the circumstances. I SAH the first three years and I truly value that time. I came back to technically a full time job but worked part-time hours more than half the year.

NicoleWI · February 2014

It sounds like in your heart, you want to quit for now, but you are worried about never getting back the great work set-up you have. I recently made the decision to leave my job and I can relate to a lot of your concerns. It's going to be a huge change for us having me at home, and I also wonder how it will affect our relationship, etc. But, for me, I was unmotivated/burnt out at work even though my job is awesome, and I didn't see myself really pushing to move forward or excel. Nor was I in a position to take on a job search and new/greater responsibilities elsewhere! And, I feel like it is negatively impacting my family right now having me working (I am ALL FOR working moms, this is just how it is right now in our particular situation with what we all have going on and DH's work and everything).

So, I figured I could stagnate here in the name of security, or take the risk and try staying at home for a bit and see where it leads. I know deep down I want to try staying at home and this is the time to do it. I don't want to look back and think, "Man, why did I waste X more years slogging along at work while the kids were growing up, and not even have much to show for it?" So I am taking the plunge into the unknown. I keep thinking that one path leads to another, and I don't know what opportunities or new connections may arise from staying at home. I am looking forward to having time to invest again in other parts of myself (i.e. I was an art major in college but haven't done anything more artistic than a coloring book page in a long time; I like walking but barely had time all last summer to get the kids out in the stroller); If I find we really miss the extra income and/or it's not working in general, then I will look for something new. But I will still be happy (I hope!) that I took the risk, tried something new, had that time with the kids, etc.

Good luck in your decision.

*sparky* · February 2014

I agree with the others who said that it sounds like you have made up your mind and you know what you want to do. If I were breaking even after paying a nanny, I would not work. I have a PT job, which is hard to come by at my level, so I understand the hesitation at giving that up. However, if you can part on good terms and do some occasional consulting work, then there's no reason you could not work PT again in the future. It also sounds like your DH is supportive and your financial situation will still be stable, so I see no reason not to SAH if that is what you want to do.

Just to address one of your follow ups regarding consulting work, if you are picking up three month projects and need childcare during that time, it is not that easy to just jump in and out of childcare so I would consider whether that is really feasible.

GL!

laurakaz13 · February 2014

I would not continue to work if I was just paying my nannies salary. For you, I think you should quit and become a SAHM for a while. Sounds like that's what you want to do. I would DEFINITELY stick with the consulting though. It is not easy to get back into the work force after taking several years off.

I also agree with PP. I would make sure you continue to contribute to your retirement account and put money into savings.

I'm not the SAHM mom type, but I make much more than we pay out in childcare as well.

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