Fear of judgment

librarygal4 · February 2014

As we make more and more decisions on how to raise our baby (i.e. breastfeeding, sleep issues, working part time, etc.) I find myself very often in tears because I am so scared to talk to anyone about it because of the fear of being judged for my decisions. It seems like any time I bring up what we've decided to do on a certain issue, there is judgment, condescension, and lack of support even among my closest friends and family. It is like walking in a minefield because you never know what issues will set off which person. I just don't know how to get past this fear of judgment and be confident in my choices and to hell with what anyone else thinks. Any suggestions?

Smirp · February 2014

I feel like their is judgement sometimes too, when I talk about certain ways I plan to go about raising my kids... And the only time it makes me second-guess myself is when the person is old enough to have children my age, who are really great- well rounded people. (SO, There is only a few people I know who really have much impact.)

Sometimes you just have to say "Hmm, ok." And shake it off. You will know what works for you. And I don't think anyone does things exactly as planed, but the only one who has the right to burst that bubble for you, is you.

mcgeeva · February 2014

I second what MosyMama said. It's your child, your decisions end of story. As long as your husband and you agree that is all that matters. The rest can eat it.

librarygal4 · February 2014

All great advice

I would love to build a support system, but I am traditional in some things and progressive in other things so I feel like I don't "fit" anywhere. As an example, I am planning a natural birth with a midwife because I feel strongly about that. However, everyone I've met who is also using a midwife also is mostly vegetarian/vegan/raw foods only (which I'm not), plans to breastfeed until the age of two (which I don't), meditates (a practice which I find to be irritating when I do it), and plans to use cloth diapers (which I don't). I feel like I don't fit in with those people. But on the other side of things, I don't fit in with the more traditional people either because I plan to have a natural birth, want to make my own baby food, want to homeschool, and believe in a simple life and that babies don't need a bunch of gear, toys, or brand new clothes. And the fact that I want to work part time means I don't fit in with stay at home moms and I don't fit in with working moms. It's like there is no place for me to find support.

Rogue237 · February 2014

Everyone is a special snowflake. To your point, I'm doing a natural birth. I'm a vegetarian, but will give my kid meat occasionally until they are old enough to make their own decisions about it. I plan to breastfeed until one and cloth diaper, but I'm definitely not homeschooling. There are different levels to traditional and progressive - keep your discussions among people who respect each other's differences! It's hard to know sometimes!

librarygal4 · February 2014

I guess my question is where do I find people who respect each other's differences? I know everyone has an opinion about every issue in parenting (as they should, it is a very important job), but where do you find respectful people?

Rogue237 · February 2014

librarygal4 said:

I guess my question is where do I find people who respect each other's differences? I know everyone has an opinion about every issue in parenting (as they should, it is a very important job), but where do you find respectful people?

I would hope that SOMEone you consider to be a good friend would respect your differences, but if not, there are always these boards. Natural Birth board if you want to talk natural birth, etc. You'll run into snark/judgments a bit where ever you go, but as long as you know why you're doing something and you treat others with respect, you're all good. That said, I'm not someone that takes someone's unfair judgments to heart, so it could depend on your sensitivity as well.

Avion22 · February 2014

librarygal4 said:

All great advice I would love to build a support system, but I am traditional in some things and progressive in other things so I feel like I don't "fit" anywhere. As an example, I am planning a natural birth with a midwife because I feel strongly about that. However, everyone I've met who is also using a midwife also is mostly vegetarian/vegan/raw foods only (which I'm not), plans to breastfeed until the age of two (which I don't), meditates (a practice which I find to be irritating when I do it), and plans to use cloth diapers (which I don't). I feel like I don't fit in with those people. But on the other side of things, I don't fit in with the more traditional people either because I plan to have a natural birth, want to make my own baby food, want to homeschool, and believe in a simple life and that babies don't need a bunch of gear, toys, or brand new clothes. And the fact that I want to work part time means I don't fit in with stay at home moms and I don't fit in with working moms. It's like there is no place for me to find support.

Uh, actually you sound a lot like me. I bet there are plenty of people who choose many of the same things that you do, you just don't realize it.

At any rate, try not to care about what other people think. Develop a thick skin toward those who feel the need to criticize your decisions -- and when you know who those people are, stop talking to them about parenting. Also realize that there is no ONE right way to parent every child, and only you (and your partner, if you have one) will know your child best, so your opinion is the only one that matters. Do your research and be confident in your decisions. When you get to you know your baby, you'll know that what you are doing is right for your baby and your family, so who cares what everyone else thinks?

mcgeeva · February 2014

librarygal4 said:

All great advice I would love to build a support system, but I am traditional in some things and progressive in other things so I feel like I don't "fit" anywhere. As an example, I am planning a natural birth with a midwife because I feel strongly about that. However, everyone I've met who is also using a midwife also is mostly vegetarian/vegan/raw foods only (which I'm not), plans to breastfeed until the age of two (which I don't), meditates (a practice which I find to be irritating when I do it), and plans to use cloth diapers (which I don't). I feel like I don't fit in with those people. But on the other side of things, I don't fit in with the more traditional people either because I plan to have a natural birth, want to make my own baby food, want to homeschool, and believe in a simple life and that babies don't need a bunch of gear, toys, or brand new clothes. And the fact that I want to work part time means I don't fit in with stay at home moms and I don't fit in with working moms. It's like there is no place for me to find support.

Based on what you said..you will end up gravitating towards mom's that raise their children in a similar manner. You can always join mom groups after your lo comes to find new friends who respect your decisions.

Ashleypixie · February 2014

You need to practice not caring now, because you'll only feel worse once that baby is born and something you had planned to do doesn't work as expected and you have to resort to something else. I tried to breast feed my first but I failed miserably. I then tore myself to pieces about everything after that! My SIL once said something about how he needed his fingernails cut and I burst into tears! I felt like she was telling me that I was neglecting my child! Giving too much of a shit about what people think will make your life miserable. There is no scale from traditional to granola mom, everyone is truly different. I used disposable diapers, I'm vegetarian, I had an epidural, I also had a midwife, I made baby food for a second, and then I just bought baby food because it's easy. You can be a mixture of all of those things without the fear of judgement. People will question the choices you make but no where near as often as you think they will. Oh well for them, they can have their own babies.

librarygal4 · February 2014

My SIL once said something about how he needed his fingernails cut and I burst into tears! I felt like she was telling me that I was neglecting my child!

Sounds like something I would burst into tears over too

librarygal4 · February 2014

First off, I'd recommend not telling people how you're going to raise your child before it's here, because to be honest, your body and baby will have minds of their own.

Good advice. I do need to learn to go with the flow when baby gets here

Everyusernameistaken · February 2014

You've been given some great advice! I've also found it helps to remind myself that just because people do something differently, or tell me how they're doing things, it doesn't necessarily mean they're putting down how I'm doing things, just stating their own experiences. And some people just aren't good at doing that in a tactful way.
Also, it goes both ways. I've become aware that sometimes when I'm really excited about something, or really believe in doing something a certain way, I need to make sure that I talk about it in a way that is respectful to my friends with differing opinions -- ie, I chose not to CIO with my son, my bf does CIO. We are able to have civil conversations about it because we love and respect each other and care more about each others' feelings than being right. And its great to have friends with different opinions and perspectives!

Meery82 · February 2014

librarygal4 said:

My SIL once said something about how he needed his fingernails cut and I burst into tears! I felt like she was telling me that I was neglecting my child!
Sounds like something I would burst into tears over too

You're definitely going to need to develop a thicker skin. Know that you are making decisions that you feel are what's best for your baby and that's the way it's going to be. As long as you aren't doing something outright dangerous or neglectful, then they just need to accept your decisions. If you stand your ground and have a backbone, people won't screw with you or push you around. Anyone who is a true friend will respect the way you feel. Motherhood is full of second guessing yourself and what ifs. Decide how you want to raise your child, stand by your decisions, and surround yourself with supportive people.

P.S. Kids nails get long and you don't always notice. If someone says they are too long, you cut them. Nothing to cry over!

RebeccaY1 · February 2014

Just don't discuss things with people that you know will be judgemental. It's like any other sensitive topic (e.g. religion, politics). I don't discuss sensitive topics when I know it will lead to arguments. If you are visiting and someone gives advice just say thank you and walk away. This is your child to raise any way you want.

Unknown · February 2014

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