Pulling my hair out! Struggling with Bedtime every night! Need Advice!

Daisy166 · February 2014

My 2.5 year old is giving me such a hard time at night. It starts with putting her PJ's on. She screams and kicks and cries. Then we grab her blanket and binkie and I tell her it's bed time. We walk up the stairs but it's a struggle. She is kicking and screaming and arching her back. When we get to her room she does not want to lay in her bed or sit in the rocking chair with me. She screams. So I tell her that I am going to leave the room until she stops screaming. I leave for about 5 or 10 min and she cries the whole time. I go back in her room then she seems to calm down but sometimes I have to do this a couple of times. I then lay in bed with her until she falls asleep which can take anywhere from 15 min to an hour. She constantly tosses and turns in her bed, doesn't want to snuggle. I've tried moving her bed time to later and also earlier but neither seem to make a difference. I wish bedtime could be a more relaxing, snuggly experience. What am I doing wrong? Any advice? Is this just a phase? I feel like she is so hyper and worked up. I don't know how to get her to relax. Thanks so much for your help!

jllmb79 · February 2014

I have had stall tactics but never kicking and screaming.

Have you tried adding bath, books, songs to your bedtime routine?

We to bath( only soap every 4th or so night), brush teeth, lotion, jammies, 3 books, last potty, 3 songs then bed...same thing every night. Sometimes I get DD#1 asking to go potty again but that is it right now.

TiffanyBerry · February 2014

Daisy166 said:

...
When we get to her room she does not want to lay in her bed or sit in the rocking chair with me. She screams. So I tell her that I am going to leave the room until she stops screaming. I leave for about 5 or 10 min and she cries the whole time. I go back in her room then she seems to calm down but sometimes I have to do this a couple of times.
...
I then lay in bed with her until she falls asleep which can take anywhere from 15 min to an hour. She constantly tosses and turns in her bed, doesn't want to snuggle.   I've tried moving her bed time to later and also earlier but neither seem to make a difference. I wish bedtime could be a more relaxing, snuggly experience.
...
What am I doing wrong?   Any advice?   Is this just a phase? I feel like she is so hyper and worked up. I don't know how to get her to relax. Thanks so much for your help!

1. I think the approach you are using - you will leave until she is using an indoor voice - is a reasonable one. I'm not going to stay somewhere when someone is screaming at me. I would try to actually follow through on your word, though - do not come back in unless she is NOT screaming. Of course, you can take advantage of her pausing to take a breath to come in (yes, you'll have to wait by the door) and say something like "thank you so much for stopping the screaming". Of course, she'll start up immediately, and you walk back out, and wait again. But this is a straight up behavior modification approach to marking the positive behavior you do want, and is somewhere to *start*.

2. Do you always fall asleep right away? I'd bet not. You have to be ready to sleep before you can fall asleep - the brain can't do it until it's on the right part of it's rest/active cycle. She may PHYSICALLY find it difficult to still her body. My daughter is much the same way. Not all kids are cuddlers. I let my daughter toss and turn for a while, but she has to stay in bed. After 10 minutes of that, or so, I ask her to be somewhat still (small/slow body movements) or I won't stay. (I no longer stay until she's asleep, but I certainly did at that age!)

You might consider, also, if she has any sensory processing challenges. I don't mean full-blown sensory processing disorder, but most of us (all of us?!) have some sensory processing challenges to some extent. And this may be hers. Do you have a dance/song/movement sequence to do with her at bedtime? Does she tolerate deep massage? (Helps some SPD kids.) Is she comfortable (clothing not itching, right temperature, blankets appropriately weighted)? I'm actually considering buying or making a weighted blanket to see if that helps my daughter with the bedtime wiggles.

3. You didn't do anything wrong. If she's really hyper, she might be on a second wind, and you need to try an earlier bedtime. But not like half an hour earlier, like 60-90 minutes earlier. But some kids fight sleep. And physically and mentally have a really hard time winding down.

Experiment. Ignore what people say is "the key to getting them to relax" like gospel - experiment. Try baths if you think it will help, but get rid of them if they don't. (They don't help my daughter.) Try music if you think it will help, but get rid of it if it doesn't. (Doesn't help my daughter.) Try a set time for talking with her/interacting calmly with her in bed if it might help, but get rid of it if it doesn't help. (It does help my daughter.) Try things you think you shouldn't (screen time) if you have any inkling it could help, and try things you've tried in the past but gave up on. Try having a very regular routine, try not having one.

Obviously, give these things some time to work. A few weeks (YES, WEEKS) for each idea you try. But keep trying different things.

Not all kids just lay down and go to sleep.

law&order · February 2014

TiffanyBerry said:

Experiment. Ignore what people say is "the key to getting them to relax" like gospel - experiment. Try baths if you think it will help, but get rid of them if they don't. (They don't help my daughter.) Try music if you think it will help, but get rid of it if it doesn't. (Doesn't help my daughter.) Try a set time for talking with her/interacting calmly with her in bed if it might help, but get rid of it if it doesn't help. (It does help my daughter.) Try things you think you shouldn't (screen time) if you have any inkling it could help, and try things you've tried in the past but gave up on. Try having a very regular routine, try not having one.

Obviously, give these things some time to work. A few weeks (YES, WEEKS) for each idea you try. But keep trying different things.

Not all kids just lay down and go to sleep.

Yes! This!

We have struggled with sleep and bedtime for the last several months. My, once easy-to-put-to-bed kiddo because a monster in a matter of months. Everything was a fight, in and out of bed, and if we stayed in his room it could take 40+ minutes fro him to fall asleep.

So I sent him to spend the night with my parents. I know it's not always an option, but having someone else take over the routine really did the trick. He still wakes overnight (2-3 times), but I can now put him to bed and remind him to "sleep like you did at nana and papa's" and that he's going to fall asleep by himself, but I'll just be in the other room and I'm close by.

Can you DH or a sitter or family member take over bedtime? For us, it had to be totally different (different place, routine, etc.) to "reset," but so far, so good. It's only gotten better (less in and out of bed) since last Friday.

law&order · February 2014

I also started adding lavender oil to his bath and a dab on his temples at bedtime. I have no idea if that has had an impact, but it can't hurt I guess.

smynings_bride · February 2014

My daughter gets to put up to 3 pennies in her piggie bank every night depending on how cooperative she is with the bedtime routine, which was a big help for us.

SusieBW · February 2014

Also, advance notice that bedtime is coming. Like, "you can play for another 10 minutes, and then it's time to go brush your teeth and get ready for bed." When we start saying this to DD, she's usually pretty obstinate that it's not time for bed, and we tell her no, not yet, but in 10 minutes, we have to so start getting ready for bed. And warn her again at 5 minutes, etc. Just one more idea to try.

ashiscute · February 2014

smynings_bride said:

My daughter gets to put up to 3 pennies in her piggie bank every night depending on how cooperative she is with the bedtime routine, which was a big help for us.

We do this too! My DD loves putting money in her bank.

Want a personalized experience?

Pulling my hair out! Struggling with Bedtime every night! Need Advice!

Re: Pulling my hair out! Struggling with Bedtime every night! Need Advice!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards