Mother-in-Law Concerns

JenAndBillRod · February 2014

Our baby girl is due in 3 weeks. We are ecstatic and have been preparing for a while now. It is our first child and my in-law's first grandchild... And my husband is also an only child. I know my in-laws care and think they are being helpful, but my mother-in-law has over-bearing tendencies and has constantly been saying/doing things that come off as a know-it-all and I feel like she is discrediting us as adults and also new parents. She reminds us, "Oh, just wait until the baby comes and you get no sleep," or, "You're going to want a break, just wait." Also, if I state random things I believe in instilling in my child that she doesn't quite agree with she says, "...You'll change your mind once she's here." There has also been a lot of talk about religion, which I feel is none of her business. We're going to raise our children without religion, but instill a feeling of safety and choice in our household. We are open to questions, curiosities, and we are absolutely 100% okay with our child choosing their own religion. This has been agreed upon by both me and my husband (I am atheist, he is agnostic).

Not only that, she says things that make me think she has these wild expectations about her involvement with the baby from the get-go. She converted a room in her house to a baby room. She didn't buy a crib or paint, thank god, but she bought a day bed and mentioned "putting rails up for when baby comes over," which is even worse because that is SO inappropriate/unsafe. There is also a dresser now with old toys and raggedy old blankets of my husbands in it and she actually took diapers that we are storing there while we are in the transition of moving and put them in HER "baby designated room" without even asking. I don't know how to break it to her that the baby won't be sleeping there, and if so it will be occasionally and not for long periods of time. I don't know if she expects to babysit her all the time or if she thinks we're just going to get sick of her and drop her off with them, or what! I have tried to drop hints that when baby comes over, we'll supply her with things she needs in her diaper bag...

Me having issues with my over-bearing mother-in-law is not new news. I posted similar discussions on The Knot during our engagement and prior to our wedding. I understand that a difference in family dynamics and a difference in personalities is clearly going to create some rifts at times (my husband is an only child who lives close to his parents while I am one of three and live 2,000 miles from my family; his mother feels like she shows love through being involved in our lives--usually TOO involved, in my opinion and many others'--while my family and I understand that our love is strong, but we respect each other's independence by giving space and not involving ourselves in personal matters/issues unless sought after). However, I also feel like I shouldn't have to fully change my preferences or wishes and forefeit my true happiness just to make his family happy. I think they feel entitled and expect us to adopt all of their beliefs/traditions just because we live close to them and just because they feel their ways of parenting are better than my family's (this has been expressed by them in a "gentler" way).

My question for you all is how do I sit down to discuss the following things with her without coming off as a total B--- of a daughter-in-law?

My Wishes

The in-laws are welcome to be at the hospital IN THE WAITING ROOM during labor, but these are the conditions:

We will call from the hospital to inform them of a baby on the way only after I am admitted and once there REALLY IS a baby coming (I feel like there is no need for them to show up right away as there are cases of women being sent home. Also, their early arrival will only mean that they will get antsy quicker and it will be distracting to my husband, whom will be the ONLY one in the delivery room with me.
My husband will be WITH ME for the duration. No constant text messages or phone calls to him or expectations of him running in and out of the delivery room to check up on them in the waiting room. If they want to be there they will have to be patient and can wait for periodical updates from us via the nurses.
I am planning on asking my husband to power down his cell phone at a certain point. Not only because his mother can meddle, but I just feel I would want is utmost attention and the cell phone can be distracting when everyone starts calling/texting. This is a special time for us. His parents got to enjoy it without the technological interruptions and I think it's only fair that we get the same respect.
As she has been an offender of sharing TOO much news of ours when it isn't her place (she shared the gender of our baby on Facebook before we even did...even after we told them to wait!), I will request that my mother-in-law NOT update or post play-by-plays on social media (Facebook) before we announce it ourselves.
I want complete alone time with my husband and our little girl once she is born without any visitors; including the in-laws. I want skin-on-skin time, first nursing, bonding, and cleanup time for myself, hubby, and the baby. I can only imagine that it will be chaotic during labor and delivery and I want uninterrupted time to enjoy the fruits of my labor (literally) afterward before passing her around to others. This time may be up to 2-hours. I feel like it's more courteous to let them know now than make them wonder why they aren't coming in right away once she is born.
I have heard horror stories of C-Sections taking place and while the mother is in recovery the in-laws get to see/hold the baby before mom is fully recovered. I don't know if this is necessarily something that needs to be addressed, but I WILL notify the nurses that me and my husband are the first ones to see/hold her.

Also, I will never keep my daughter from her grandparents or keep them from her, but I have never done this before and I can't say I'll be open to a bunch of visitors at the hospital for long periods of time. I don't even know how I'll feel even after we arrive home. I do not want to give them the impression that they can't come around, but I also don't want them to think that they are welcome any day, any time. Visits must be planned and they must call ahead. Also, if I/we are not feeling up to having them over, that must be respected and understood. I will be reasonable, but again, I feel like she has already set expectations to see the baby right away a LOT more often than I envisioned or else I wouldn't stress this so much. I want some private time with my family, too!

While these types of things don't really bother/concern my husband, he does know how pushy she can be and how much she can meddle so he is onboard with these requests. I want to sit down with my mother and father-in-law AND my husband to discuss this ahead of time. I do NOT want to be stressing about this in the hospital and/or during my first few moments at home with a new infant.

Now, what are you suggestions for relaying this to them? I plan on sitting down all together in person soon... I want to be sensitive, but also firm.

akb1125 · February 2014

I don't have any suggestions but wanted to let you know I'm having the same worries! My mil keeps bringing up babysitting to me and I feel like at this point I'm not ready for the baby to leave my side! (Obvi I know this may change but I haven't even had the baby at this point)

I don't understand the fascination with getting the baby alone without me? I won't keep the baby from seeing my mil but idk why it isn't enough to visit the baby with me there?

Also, my husband used to stay over his grandmothers alot since his mom was a single mom and needed the help. I on the other hand didnt grow up sleeping over my grandparents house very often. Maybe once in awhile if my parents had an event but not just for fun. She seems to think the baby will just be staying with her for fun and she going to be in for a rude awakening bc that isn't happening!

mcgeeva · February 2014

I have a crazy MIL myself and I don't feel you can really keep her from posting on FB etc. As much as you hate it..if she doesn't respect your wishes before she won't now. Mine has a way of doing everything we ask her not to do no matter what. Really all you need is to be on the same page as your husband and be a joint front with her. If not it won't work and will only cause issues with you and your husband. I say set ground rules now or it will never happen. Two after reading your list..if you want bonding time with your baby, the smartest thing to do is tell them not to show up at the hospital until you call and say the baby is here. Becuase you never know what complications may arrise and it will avoid all those issues. I had severe pre-e and had an emergency c-section and don't remember the first two days I had my son. DH had to feed and change him for two days. So having all those rules and expectations would be out the window if you told them to come wait while your having the baby. Just best to call when your ready to see people to avoid confusion and someone doing something you do not like. I can honestly say I hate my inlaws with a passion and thank god they didn't come till the 3rd day. I would of lost my sh*t. I was trying to figure out how to bf, I was in pain still, on meds for bp, and when they came she walked in my room puffing her electronic cigarette trying to pick up ds and kept complaining when I wanted to bf with no one in the room. Do what you feel is best for you lo..because at the end of the day it is your baby, your choices and rules. The way I see it, we don't keep my ILs from DS but if you can not act like an adult and respect our wishes they don't need to be around until they can behave like adults.

akb1125 · February 2014

Oh and you're being nicer than me with letting them know when you're in labor. I've already told everyone they'll find out once the baby has arrived and we're ready for visitors.

Disneygeek77 · February 2014

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with telling them ahead of time. However, I believe your husband should be the one conveying the message and use words like " we want " instead of " she wants ". I know from my own experience with ILs, they take the message more seriously when it comes from him instead of me.

One thing I might also suggest to help the message go over is to put them in charge of something really small. Like have FIL pick out cigars or take care of your animals the day of. Maybe ask MIL to make you your favorite meal or dessert or make / buy a baby blanket for pictures. Who knows, maybe even ask MIL to be your bouncer and emphasize how much you would appreciate her making sure you get your bonding time and rest.

Just try to emphasize you needing their help in this situation because this is a precious time you will never get back.

Oh and if you ever do get overwhelmed in the hospital, have a code word for your husband and that will be his signal to tell everyone to leave.

JenAndBillRod · February 2014

akb1125: It would absolutely be LESS stressful if they just waited for the announcement that baby girl has arrived... Especially if we are not allowing anyone right into the Labor & Delivery room anyway. Seems like a lot of waiting in an uncomfortable place for a long period of time. I am also 100% on board with you about wondering why it has become such a huge deal to get the baby alone without me. Not saying it won't happen and I also can't say WHEN it will happen, but I'm not even thinking about that right now. She isn't even here yet and I already get sad thinking I'll have to leave her eventually. Growing up we also didn't spend a TON of one-on-one time with grandparents. Not even my husband did, only for holidays and get-togethers, etc. I'm not opposed to it, but again, I think because they live so close they almost expect it and expect it WAY too often.

mcgeeva: You're right. Just because the in-laws still baby us doesn't mean we aren't adults and also expect them to act that way. It's a trade-off and trust must be earned. Also, you make a good point about complications. I, too, have heard about and understand that things don't ALWAYS go as planned. It's true that I may not be capable to have or even feel up to having visitors for a while at the hospital depending on mine and baby's circumstances. I think I will bring up the option of waiting at home to hear from us that all went well. The Facebook thing REALLY bothered me because I am more of a private person. And I feel she just posts stuff to boast in OUR glory. I can always request it, but can't expect they'll respect it. I forget that just because I wouldn't do something to someone doesn't mean others don't feel that same way.

Disneygeek77: It would be really helpful for hubby to relay these thoughts/feelings, but he gets so nervous about hurting anyone's feelings. There has been a time where my mother-in-law has said, right in front of me to her son, "Well, do YOU feel that way?" I just feel like he is a grown man and we have a very open relationship. By her doing that she just plays him against me, which is so unhealthy. If she thinks she is protecting him she is actually hurting him by interferring in his relationship. If has issues he'll address me with them. And I am not just bossing him around, we're married; we're a partnership. He wants me to be happy just as much as he wants his mother to be happy. She just gets in his head. I also respect your suggestion to give them jobs that make them feel needed. I know that's all they really want is to be involved. She did offer to make some meals ahead of time for us to freeze so that hubby can re-heat easily once we get home. I told her that would be very nice and so helpful and thanked her. She immediately followed by saying, "Or, I could always drop them by..." (Ay-yi-yi) I knew that's what she was getting at. Again, I'll be open to visits, but it is not an open-door policy. Anyway, you're so right. I'll let them know of things I will need help with. They are always so giving and will love to help so they'll enjoy knowing I'll need them for some things here and there.

dairygirl19 · February 2014

Honestly. Quit discussing this all with them. The more you engage it, the worse it gets.

To everything she says, the appropriate response is, "Thanks. I'll take into future consideration but right now we have a plan we're okay with."

As for the baby room, let the safe stuff slide. My mom and MIL both have one and it's great. Less sh*t for me to drag and kid is comfy. It's not so weird and I find it more helpful than controlling.

With the hospital, there's no need to convey your wishes. If you want them around call when you're ready and invite them up. If they get in the way/annoy you have the nurses kick them out.

There's no need to convey your wishes in detail. Your kid. Your choice. Fight it out if and when it happens.

Don't waste time explaining or justifying. It just fuels the fire.

JenAndBillRod · February 2014

dairygirl19: I really like your direct approach. I do wish that the "baby room" at her house didn't bother me, but it does. However, in hind-sight it's really not a huge deal. I'm more bothered about how over-bearing and nosy she can be and the room just ices the cake. I am trying to be fair to his parents as she has expressed a want to BE at the hospital, but you are right... Maybe my husband and I should be the only 2 there. There's no need for anyone else unless I had planned for more help in the Labor & Delivery room, which I haven't. They'd be more comfortable at home and there's nothign more they can do from the waiting room than what they could do from home. I'd like to talk to the hubby about that option and maybe we just plan not to call until baby comes and let them know if/when we're ready for visitors.

Disneygeek77 · February 2014

Yeah, just find some small that you don't care that much about, but tell them you ran out of time so you need their help to find a nice blanket or some good cigars. This way it gives them something to focus their excitement on.

Does she make some that you really like ? Could you ask her to drop it by your first night home and then have your husband thank her for the wonderful dinner but you will be eating by yourselves ?

JenAndBillRod · February 2014

disneygeek77:

I do have a pet lizard that they feed when we go on vacation. Maybe they wouldn't mind popping in to feed him, maybe grab the mail while we are at the hospital (on their way to/from the hospital after delivery day). I'm sure there will be little things that we forget to bring or will decide we need and we could send them. They do love to help!

The whole dinner thing is a great idea because she LOVES to cook and she is a real good cook (Italian). If she doesn't drop it by before the baby comes and wants to stop by to deliver dinner and see the baby, that's fine. I just didn't know if she'd then want to bring dinner EVERY night and intrude on our alone time. So I do like your idea of having hubby thank her and let her know that we would prefer dinner alone on the nights that we aren't up to having them over. It kind of helps that we only have a studio apartment right now so there really isn't space for them to come over and eat dinner with us and stay all night.

akb1125 · February 2014

I'm just trying to deal with my anxiety by remembering I'm going to be the mom and nobody can force me or take the baby from me without my permission. My mil is all talk at this point. She can say whatever she wants, but I don't have to go along with it.

Also, we have had issues with my mil on Facebook too! She overshares way too much and I had to coordinate when we told her we were pregnant and when we wanted to announce to the world. She's fb friends with all of my husbands friends from hs (why? I have no idea). We wanted to tell people ourselves not by her announcing it herself on fb so we were pretty much forced to do a fb announcement.

JenAndBillRod · February 2014

akb1125: Amen, girl! It's all just talk now and I think I am trying to foresee everything and am expecting the worst. I need to just refocus on what is important and that is to finish the rest of my pregnancy safely and successfully and focus on my husband and baby girl when they get here. We are now a family! The FB thing is annoying. The reason I was so upset is because she is friends with some of my friends, my husband's friends, and my family members. I told my husband that she'll just have to be the last to know from now on if she's going to run there when we share news with her. I had to do some damage control and post to FB quickly after that, too. There is such a thing called netiquette that some of the older generations (and even new generations) don't know of or consider. Just a bummer sometimes!

PrimRoseMama · February 2014

Be straight forward.

RondackHiker · February 2014

I'd honestly just tell them you'll call once baby is there, and then call again once you're ready for visitors. They don't need to come and hang out if it stresses you out.

Your h needs to man up a bit. He should be more worried about his pregnant wife's feelings than theirs. A LOT of these are on him. They shouldn't need to be told to "leave him alone", "don't ask him to visit the waiting room or give updates", or "don't ask him to hold baby if I'm being stitched post c section". He should want to be with you and ignore their calls or texts and if they try to get him to stay in the waiting room should ignore that and immediately return to you. He would need to give permission for them to hold baby so he needs to be strong and not let them hold baby before you.

He may not want to hurt their feelings, but he should want to hurt your feelings less. A lot of this wouldn't be an issue if he just ignored their games.... And if he said, firmly, "WE are a team and WE agree" every time his mom said "what do you think?"

His mom asks that and asks him to do things because he will. He's the only one who can fix that.

Excitedmum35 · February 2014

Sorry haven't read all the responses but this is YOUR baby. You mil has the rest of her life to bond with baby- SGE DOESNT NEED TO BE IN THE WAITING ROOM WHILE YOURE IN LABOUR- unless u want her there?
It's your first child!
The only reason we told my mum I was in labour was because she was at home looking after our first child and this time will be looking after DS.
My mil is an interfering selfish woman so we didn't tell her last time and we won't tell her this time.
She will get a phone call from DH and depending on how I'm feeling she might be able to come to the hospital.
I'm sorry, but GROW SOME BALLS!!!!! Don't let your mil dictate what you do. And have your husband stand up for you.

ncbelle · February 2014

Your DH needs to have a boundaries conversation with her NOW. And the two of you need to be on the same page about this. Personally, I wouldn't call anyone until the baby is there - it's YOUR birth so no need to feel guilty about that!

JenAndBillRod · February 2014

Thank you ALL for the wonderful insight and suggestions. I don't feel so crazy! This whole topic kind of sprouted and took over in my mind because months ago she said--via text message, might I add--that they would LOVE to be in the waiting room at the hospital. Even then I told her that my husband and I hadn't even considered any of that yet and that we'd discuss at a later time in person. She was taken back by my response, but I was being honest. If she expected a, "Yeah! Sure!" She's terribly mistaken because she knows I am a more private, independent person than that and that I have boundaries. That's probably actually why she sent that message via text cuz she didn't want an in-person rejection :-/. I actually never would have even thought of it becoming a big "thing" if it weren't for that first comment about the hospital. It's like they almost expect to be there rather than care to ask if it's something we'd like/mind. Now my husband also feels like if we DON'T call them until after the baby is here that they would be EXTREMELY hurt and upset, which I understand since they spoke up about it. However, if they'd like to know that we're admitted and in the process of delivering then they will have to respect our wishes and act appropriately; not show up until invited, no interferring via contstant calls/texts or our cell phones WILL be shut off, respecting that we want alone time after delivery, and respecting our wishes to share the news with our friends and family first.

As a result of this post and the advice receieved, I did express my sincerest concerns/wishes with my husband who seems to understand my reasoning for wanting to do the things the way I do. He seems to be supportive as I'm trying not to be so extreme and cut his family out of the situation. It's true, though, that you never know what's going to happen before, during, or after labor. There is no need for added stress about a situation that can be avoided altogether and unfortunately my mother-in-law is the root of many of my stresses (about baby and about other things). It's just her personality and I'm not willing to make the day about HER. If she can agree to our wishes, though, I'm happy to include them in the process, but that doesn't mean that their attendance is necessary or even welcomed. I'll have to update when we have "the talk"... If we do.

Thanks again, everyone! Just under 3 weeks until our sweet baby girl is here in the flesh :-)

BuckeyeWife07 · February 2014

Honestly, I think a lot of us have MILs like this. I never had "talk" with my in-laws, but made sure my DH knew darn well what was expected/not expected. For the few things I thought needed discussed, I had him bring them up (for you, this would be the facebook thing mainly). They will take it better from you. Some of the other things are under your and the hospital's control. Don't tell them you're in labor until you are OK with them coming to the hospital. Tell the L&D ward that you don't want visitors and they are to stay in the waiting area. And tell the nurses that no one is to visit until you say it's OK. It worked out well for me with my first except for a few minor glitches with DH's real mom. After I had DD1 I was really not well, but the in-laws got to watch her through the nursery window after I held her and they got to take a few pictures which appeased them and they went home for the evening. The only people that visited me (other than DH who was there the whole time) were my parents and my sister which is what I wanted. For DD2 it was late at night and less exciting since it was my second (and DH's dad and stepmom had DD1) so it was easier. Just hold strong and you'll be fine.

clo1982 · February 2014

1. Don't tell them when you go to the hospital. If you are permitting them to wait in the waiting room for what could be an extended period of time, it would seem fair that they get to see the baby rather soon instead of waiting additional hours for you to bond, nurse, have anesthesia wear off (if applicable) in order to shower, etc. just leave it at 'since I haven't done this before and don't know what to expect or how I will feel immediately afterward, we will just give a call when we are ready for visitors....I'm sure you can understand.' If she pushes back it's a pretty simple 'we already discussed this and are comfortable with our decision. Whether you see the baby 10 minutes or 2 hours after birth, it will still be just as special.' 2. In regards to your dh being worried about hurt feelings, time to put on the big boy pants. His primary concern NEEDS to be YOUR feelings, not his mom's. Your feelings don't get pushed aside to salvage hers. If he is not comfortable with that, feel free to remind him that it is your body that will have just undergone a trauma, not his and not his mom's so what you say is what goes. 3. Re: baby room. Let it slide. Who cares what she does with her house. It's nice to have to haul less crap around. If you aren't comfortable with something like the bed rails, simply bring a pack n play, if needed, and say the baby is to sleep in there. 4. Re: being alone with baby. She probably doesn't want you watching her and judging everything she is doing as some, or all of it will be different than how you do things. Not abnormal. Overall, I say this on my bmb all the time....she can only push as far or as hard as you let her. If you let her call all the shots, she probably will. If your dh won't man up and actually voice his opinion, she will continue to use it to her advantage. Don't sacrifice your comfort or feelings for the sake of hers or anyone else's. If you make a decision, like no extended guests in the hospital, it's not up for discussion...stand by it and don't provide options. It doesn't make you a bitch...it makes you an adult.

LEIGHLOVE09 · February 2014

Glad your DH seems to be on your side for the most part. In terms of waiting room, I said and told family that I didn't want the pressure of knowing people were waiting and that I had to hurry along. They said I didn't have to feel that way but I told them I did regardless and they understood. Now maybe you'll be lucky like me and go at night! I went to hospital at 7pm and didn't call anyone (as planned) and I had DD at 5 am and we called family/friends around 8! It was perfect. I don't think this time I'll be so lucky especially since I need to make arrangements for DD with my mom. Like you my mom is not the problem, my mil is. I know how it feels.

I wish i could say it got better after baby but it didn't . Get worse for me as they were always calling and complaining that they don't see baby enough and they were seeing her once a week maybe every other week if we were busy or just needed a break. I'm nervous for them this time again. I think if you give in now you are setting a precedent to always give in and trust me you don't want to do that.

RebeccaY1 · February 2014

I'm not calling anyone until after the baby is born. There isn't a rule that you have to call while in labour. I have other things to think about besides the needs of others. Just concentrate on you and your baby rather than worrying about your in-laws.

LEIGHLOVE09 · February 2014

@melainiandmark yikes! How did your SIL handle your parents? I would have flipped my lid if my in laws did that to me!

ASmallWonder · February 2014

I didn't read all the responses but I'll say this - none of your list needs to be discussed with them ahead of time. It just gives something to fight about for the next 3 weeks. Make sure your husband is on board with your wishes and just DO IT. He doesn't call right away, doesn't text a play by play, shuts the phone off, doesn't show off the baby until you both agree and tell the nurses when you're ready for visitors. Period. Just do it.

mwakelin · February 2014

I didn't tell anybody when I was in labor. Not even my mom. I waited until after baby arrived before calling both our parents. That way they wouldn't have to stress out about it. I figured they'd rather get a call saying she's here and we are all fine vs we are in labor and could be for 12 hrrs

Also you are the mom. You make the rules. But remember you should be thankful your baby has two sets of grandparents that love them and know that some kids will never get to know their grandparents. Also their grandparents won't be alive forever. So if they are willing to help you out, take full advantage. Everything they do is out of love. Once you have your baby here you will understand that perhaps in 25yrs you might be the overbearing mil lol. Good luck !

LEIGHLOVE09 · February 2014

@melainiandmark ugh this reminds me of my mil. I purposely didn't tell anyone I went into labor because I didn't want her to know. We had a great relationship until pregnancy. And then after baby they always wanted to be over on their schedule. She doesn't work 2 days a week and wanted to come up while I was on maternity leave all the time. Frankly I didn't want to hang out with her all day every week and I had friends that were out on leave too so I would do things with them. She wasn't happy and we had a big blowout about how she outranked my friends and cousins because she was the grandmother and she should be able to see the baby and not them.

It was also a competition about how much my mom saw her, who im extremely close to and saw every week prior to baby and talked to her multiple times a day. With In laws we saw them maybe once every 4-6 weeks before baby so this was a huge change and not what I expected. It was horrible and honestly I look at them differently now.

Hubby thinks this time will be different as we worked it out after DD (so he says). I'm not convinced and dreading it again

ELM77 · February 2014

I completely feel ur pain! My MIL and DH are very similar to urs. To add more complications to it, my in-laws live next door! I truly live the "everyone loves Raymond" experience. My DH is also very apprehensive to have those "important" discussions w/ them, as he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. That being said, we are on the same page with our birthing plan, hospital experience and coming home. It is definitely the DH's responsibility to relay these messages. I take care of my family and he should take care of his by "take care" I really mean "handle" them. My hubby and I will be only ones in delivery room throughout entire process and we also want to have an hour or so after he born, just us, to bond. If the In laws want to be at hospital and wait for HOWEVER long the entire process might take (w/ very few updates) that is their choice and I'm fine w/ it. They can sit and wait as long as they want however comfortable or uncomfortable it might be. My DH will also be "off the grid" for the birth so no distractions. I don't necessarily plan on having that discussion w/ in laws ahead of time, however if hubby wants to let them know (with all four of us present), that is fine too. We did however discuss all of our wishes, wants and don't wants with our OB. Un-like ur MIL, mine is not at all into social media, so I'm not sure how u prevent that??? Other than, just don't tell them anything at all, until YOU and DH are ready for it to go viral. If they are or end up being very upset by that, just remember, in the end it was their own doing. Once u are in labor, all that matters to docs and nursing staff is what u and DH want!!! As long as the two of you are on same page, which u seem to be, everything should be ok. Thinking of you, ELM

ELM77 · February 2014

Also, if make u feel any better, every time I see my MIL, she is telling me how I need to watch my weight and she hopes I truly understand that every pound I gain is a pound I have to lose! Seriously, I'm in my 3rd trimester and have gained a total of 10 lbs. the docs say baby is perfect and I've passed every test w/ flying colors. I just want to scream at her BUT, I just smile and change subject.

Tassie06 · February 2014

I wouldn't invite them to the hospital. In case you do have a c-section, the baby and daddy will go back to your room while you go to recovery, which can be up to 2 hours after birth. My mom, dad & sister all got to hold DS before I did. Which didn't bother me much. I love my family. My inlaws I do not! They live 4 hours away so they were not at the hospital. And for my scheduled c-section in May, they will be informed once DD is born. We've also requested no out of town visitors on the first weekend home. Our 3 year old needs time to adjust. FYI, my inlaws are terrible grandparents. MIL has never played with DS in his 3.5 years. But on fb she makes it out to look like she's a very involved grandma. She doesn't even ask about him when my husband calls.

SpinelliSmith · February 2014

Haven't read all of the comments but I feel so close to everything you wrote. My ILs live 5 min away and are very involved in our lives. I have to say that they don't do the drop-in visits often but it's been a constant fear of mine. My house is tiny- less than 800 sqft- and isn't the most comfortable for entertaining- for obvious reasons. We were supposed to get another couch this January (we just have a loveseat right now) but I've been putting it off because I don't want people to be too comfortable when they visit. I'm a terrible person I know but I want my time with my kids!

I would definitely wait to call anyone before the baby arrives and you are prepared for visitors. But also, work with the hospital or just blame the hospital. I would blatantly lie and say something like "Oh, our hospital is part of the baby/family friendly movement and has certain restrictions." Our hospital really does have "quiet hours" which are meant just for the newborn's mom and dad- not even siblings are allowed during those hours. I have already made it clear that I want privacy for breastfeeding and have explained the skin to skin time for the ILs so that they know what to expect and moreso, what to expect when they're not there. It's not like they're going to miss out on some raging party- it's just me with my ta-tas hanging out!

My MIL also is obsessed with changing diapers and wants to see our nursery but we keep explaining that we're going to wait to purchase the cribs until after the shower (BrUs offers cash back and we think we'll use that cash for that purchase- I don't see anyone buying it for us) and at that point after the babies are born since they'll be in their bassinets.

I just keep telling my ILs that "when you make plans, God laughs." I thank them constantly for offering to help but we'll just take it one day at a time when the babies get here and if they have to wait to visit, then they have to wait. If they're disappointed, sorry but at least they won't be surprised!

laurakaz13 · February 2014

I think you just need to NOT tell them you're in labor. We didn't call anyone until our LO was born and no one was invited to the hospital until the next day. I don't get why this is so hard.

JenAndBillRod · February 2014

ELM77: I don't know HOW you do it. While I do love my in-laws and know they mean well by always being willing to help out, I am one independent woman and need my space. I feel accomplished and proud about the way my husband and I live our lives without people telling us how to live or always butting in. If they lived next door I would have to move, without a doubt! And what your MIL is telling you about weight gain is not cool at all! I have gained 40 lbs and I am proud to have a happy, healthy baby still. That is just a 'no-no' and none of their business, quite frankly. Sorry to hear!

I appreciate your insight about how to really "handle" the in-laws. It's going to come down to that, I just know it. And while I know all of their wanting to be involved stems from excitement, no one can really foresee that day (or days) until it's here and I just don't want to make any promises about calling or inviting them to the hospital or visiting until that moment. That way I'm not held to anything and can always change my mind depending on the circumstances.

Update on the whole situation: My husband stops at his in-law's periodically and I sensed they have brought up the hospital situation as my due date is a few days away. I just hadn't heard about it yet. I asked my husband if they have brought it up and he nonchalantly said, 'Yeah, they mentioned it.' He told me that he asked them if they'd really want us to call even if it's 3am (which I responded by saying it's not meant to be a question of whether or not THEY want us to, it's not their choice... WE would decide if/when we notify or not regardless of time of day). He also said he relayed the agreed upon plan to just let them know once I'm admitted and told them about the lengthy procedures and alone time directly after the baby is born.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and for saying this, but I doubted how firm he was and doubted that it came off as 'these are mine and my wife's wishes, no exceptions' so in the midst of a text conversation with my MIL later that evening I brought it up to her. This is our conversation:

Me: [My husband's name] said he explained the hospital plan with you today. It sounds like we're all set and on the same page.

MIL: You mean when you go into have baby? What did he tell you?

Me: Yeah, when we go to the hospital. He said he explained calling and timing and hospital procedure post-birth, etc.

MIL: Yes, you mean we can't see little girl for a few hours after birth. We just wanted to know when you were going in but realize we have to wait. (Much can be misconstrued through text, sure, but I wasn't sure her demeanor behind this comment. However I'm taking it at face value and expecting that she does understand they just have to wait to hear from us. That is our goal.)

Me: Yeah, we discussed informing family when we are admitted... Then new moms and dads are given some private bonding time with the little one and the hospital will complete testing and lactation consulting and clean baby up, etc. That can take up to a few hours after birth.

MIL: We understand. When you are able and ready to have company [my husband's name] will let us know...

Me: We will let you know. You know how it goes, too. You can't plan out that day much especially beforehand or really foresee the circumstances until you're in the situation. Baby is fully in charge.

MIL: Exactly, time will tell soon enough. You two will be flying high but you need your time together too (I wasn't sure exactly what she meant there as there have been times she comments about us wanting a break from it all, but I will just appreciate her comment about needing time together)

Me: Thanks :-) It will be a good day. We are looking forward to it...

It SOUNDS like they get it, so I am more confident that they won't just overstep boundaries now. HOPEFULLY! If they get offended later on, it is their own fault because they now know where we stand.

Since then, though, my doctor has told me that labor has not progressed in the least (my due date is in 3 days) so she may go past term. They would induce one week after to the day. When we learned this I asked that my husband NOT inform them of that day because I still want the freedom and ability to notify them only IF and WHEN we're ready. The same wishes still apply. It may seem a little selfish not to queue them in now that we have a set plan, but I don't feel guilty at all. I still would like that freedom to inform if I want and would like to refrain from having people waiting impatiently in the waiting room.

My hope is that when my husband sees what labor entails he will be reminded that he should be most concerned about me and baby and respect the privacy I have requested all this time. I have been fair and even told my sister (who lives 4 hours away) the same wishes. She is going to respect my privacy, too, even THOUGH having her at the hospital wouldn't bother me because she is less intrusive than his family. She will only come when asked.

SO, to all of you who have said, just don't tell them, I agree with that for the most part. If they want to be made aware that I am admitted and then that baby is here, they will also be reminded that we aren't ready for visitors just yet but that we will notify them when we are. I am also fully prepared to utilize hospital staff to make sure there are no "surprises!" I think that is the most responsible, honest, and fair thing to say/do especially not knowing what all could happen on that day.

Thanks for all of your support and advice!

EmilyBrooke5 · March 2014

My situation is fairly similar to yours - I could feel my blood pressure raising when reading this!

I completely understand about your husband not feeling comfortable to say things forcefully. If that's what works for you, then you just be the one to bring it up. You you know family/in laws. You don't need to change what works for you just because they're his parents.

I also understand that you can't just not have your in laws come to the hospital. If they know you're in labor, they will be there. That being said, it is TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE to have alone time with your baby. Have your husband power down his phone and take as much time as you want to enjoy your new family and your baby before you allow visitors to come in. This is your baby's day and yours and your husband's day. Don't worry about what they are doing in the waiting room. If they have decided that they need to be there, then they can just wait and put up with it.

It may be helpful to bring up this topic as a part of your birth plan as a whole. Perhaps you can have a conversation with her about what you are looking for in your labor. This will help you to get your wants across to her and may also make her feel like you are keeping her in the loop. You can tell her about your general plans for the hospital, how important it is that your husband is really there for you throughout the labor to coach and support you and how much you look forward to enjoying your time as a family. Then you can work in how you hope she wont be too bored in the waiting room, but you're glad she understands how important it is that your husband is with you, etc.

mollieclare · March 2014

I am also married to an only child who has very involved parents. When I had my first I just said we will call you when she arrives and you can come see her. I didn't want anyone in the delivery with me except DH and I didn't understand why anyone would want to hang out in a waiting room for god knows how long. When I was cleaned up, had nursed and had some family time we called everyone.

My advice is to not give them more information than they need.

Trust me I understand because my in laws can drive me crazy with their over-involvement but now that I am about to have my third I am so grateful to have grandparents who truly love my kids like I love my kids and would do anything for them.

momthatlifts · March 2014

I'm having a similar issue with both my mother and mil. When my mom suggested staying the night after the baby was born I simply told her that my husband will be taking off work so I will already have the extra help. I will make sure she understands in better detail when we get closer to delivery. As for my mil, I figured she would just get the hint and figure it out on her own when she doesn't have me calling her for help or to watch dd. I try not to overwhelm myself with concern. It's not like she can take her from me. I also want to avoid sounding like a bitch by giving her all these "rules". She'll get it. There is nothing to discuss. I understand what you are going through, good luck. It can be really annoying but you are the mom. They do not empower you

NerdyLucy · March 2014

jsquaree said:

Since finding out, his mother has been so obsessive about the baby. She also began telling people before we had a chance (thank god she doesn't understand Facebook, I would have been livid). She's told family members that they're not allowed to buy things for the baby because he needs to know she loves him more than anyone else,

@-)

schw0204 · March 2014

I had the same issues/concerns with our first child and MIL. She at one point asked if she could be in the delivery room because she was in the room with her other son and girlfriend when their daughter was born 12 years ago. Thankfully my husband felt the same way in that we both just wanted it to be the two of us. We didn't tell her that we were even in labor because I knew she would want to show up at the hospital or want updates via text. So she found out when the rest of our family did after the birth. My husband had to finally tell her to stop sharing and or posting pictures of our son on FB. We are both very cautious with pictures of our son that are posted, but I can't say the same for her. She wasn't happy but I didn't care. She would also make comments about our son coming to stay with them when he was a year old, well he's 19 months now and it hasn't happened and probably won't unless we are there. I don't have either of my parents anymore so it has been really hard, especially the first year, with some of the comments she makes and the fact that I don't get to share my son with my parents. I think she is finally starting to get the picture and has backed off a bit. We'll see what happens when baby girl arrives in June.

Definitely be firm in what you and your husband want. You don't need to detail everything to them or even really explain to them why. If they don't like your wishes then that is for them to deal with. This is a special time for YOUR family, the family that you now get to raise and make decisions for and shouldn't have to explain to anyone except you and your husband.

jenlynne0624 · March 2014

preach it, girlfriend. i am going ,am all ready having, the same issues. i dont want my in laws, or anyone else but my mom and husband in the delivery room with me when it's go time. if people want to visit for a few minutes, fine, but i agree with you that there will be a strict no cell phone policy. i don't need how much my cervix has dilated broadcast all over facebook. you actually gave me some really good ideas to discuss with DH as well. we all ready discussed the no visitation policy at our house after the LO comes home unless you call and invite you first. glad to know i am not the only one who is dealing with craziness

Tweeks23 · April 2014

I'm just going to chime in on the part of having people see the baby before you are out of recovery. With my first, the baby and DH were taken to our room to get weighed and cleaned up while I was getting sewn up and when he got into the room my mom was in there, my stepdad, my dad and inlaws. They were just sitting in there waiting not expecting to see my husband and the baby and then they walked in. I'm lucky that I don't have any parent/in-law problems at all but I was very upset everyone got to see him really before I even did. DH got to hold him first and I was upset over that too. With DS#2 I told my husband and the Dr. that I will hold the baby first and he is not to be brought into the room until I am with him. It worked out really great. This time we are going to have all family in the waiting room until I am out of recovery. The drugs they give you made me very forgetful and I don't remember being in recovery or being wheeled back into my room. I want to be in a clear mindset this time when people come in to see the baby.

rainydayluck · April 2014

Tweeks23 said:
I'm just going to chime in on the part of having people see the baby before you are out of recovery. With my first, the baby and DH were taken to our room to get weighed and cleaned up while I was getting sewn up and when he got into the room my mom was in there, my stepdad, my dad and inlaws. They were just sitting in there waiting not expecting to see my husband and the baby and then they walked in. I'm lucky that I don't have any parent/in-law problems at all but I was very upset everyone got to see him really before I even did. DH got to hold him first and I was upset over that too. With DS#2 I told my husband and the Dr. that I will hold the baby first and he is not to be brought into the room until I am with him. It worked out really great. This time we are going to have all family in the waiting room until I am out of recovery. The drugs they give you made me very forgetful and I don't remember being in recovery or being wheeled back into my room. I want to be in a clear mindset this time when people come in to see the baby.

Wait. So you were upset that your DH got to hold the baby before you?

ililheatheri · April 2014

While most things have already been addressed and dealt with, I just wanted to mention one thing...
Parents care about their children when they're in scary situations and I only had my husband in the delivery room with my first child and I thought it was silly that my parents and his parents and my grandparents all wanted to sit in a waiting room for 15+ hours... but looking back on it, of course they did, they want to be around in case either of their children need them and then to meet the new addition. After the baby was born, my husband and I got to cuddle and snuggle and I got to breastfeed and even eat something, then we had parents come up 2 at a time for about 10 minutes each and then they gave us our privacy until the next day.

Also in regards to the cell phone, no one text my husband, but he pretty much sent an hourly text to the parents with something like, "mom and baby still doing well, doctor just came in to check on her," etc. They still talk about how nice it was to know how I was doing and that I wasn't in any trouble. Once pushing started, he absolutely put his phone down and focused on me.

Anyway I know people can be annoying and intrude... but you can still have the kind of day you want and just remember that they're excited too, they just express themselves in a way that bugs the crap out of you. Haha

Good luck!!!

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