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Need some help, please... advice and kind words welcome.
Hi all!
This is my first time posting on this board and the first time in a long time since I've been on TB.
I could really use some help though. This might be a little long, but please, bear with me.
I have two wonderful children. DS is 3.5 and DD is 1. They have different dads. DS is from my 1st marriage and I'm currently married to DDs dad. So I guess this is really a question for other moms who have the same/similar situation. Do any of y'all ever feel different about your two kids? I don't love one more and one less than the other... I'm not sure exactly how to explain it. I guess the way I love them is very different. It worries me.
My pregnancy with DS was pretty rough. His dad was VERY abusive - verbally, emotionally, and mentally. He and I had dated off and on for 3 years before I found out I was pregnant. In fact, I got pregnant right after we got back together after a 6 month break. (I don't need to be lectured on going back to him. I know it was idiotic. However, I did get my son and I am grateful for that!) Right away, things began changing. He didn't tell ANY of his friends about it, cut off all communication with them actually. He started blaming me for all his issues - told me that he wished he had never spoken to me, that he wished he had moved back to his home state (former military), that it was my fault he was trapped in the "hell hole state" we lived in, etc. He also accused me of being pregnant with someone else's baby (his actual words were "How can I possibly love you?! I don't even know if that's my baby you're carrying!" - we were married and I was 8 months pregnant at that point). I was 20 and dumb and dependent upon him financially - I didn't know how to leave. So I convinced myself that things would get better once DS was born, but they never did. I was frequently called names, belittled, yelled at, and he threw things at me, broke our belongings when he got mad, and put several holes in our walls. I finally got up the courage to leave him when DS was 16 months.
During my pregnancy, I was deeply depressed. I spent most of my time alone in my room, crying and telling my unborn baby that I was so sorry I was bringing him into a life like that. I wanted him to be welcomed into a loving and happy family. I felt like I was completely to blame for the whole situation. When he was born, I didn't feel the extreme maternal bond that many women talk about. But I knew I loved him and I was determined to do everything I could to keep him safe, happy, and healthy. I was diagnosed with PPD a little further down the road and took medication to help with it. Right around that time, his dad and I really began arguing. He scared me multiple times, threatened my life, punched a hole in the wall right next to my head, all while I was holding DS. I saw my son change before my eyes. He went from being the happiest baby I had ever seen to one that jumped and cried at loud noises, screamed, threw frequent tantrums, and at times seemed shut off from the world. His doctors actually thought he had Autism because he began regressing so much.
Things changed drastically once we got out of that house. He is now a pretty normal little boy with a huge heart. He is so smart and considerate and genuine. However, he still goes back and forth from that happy boy to the scared one. I know that part of it is my fault. He is VERY loud (much louder than other kids his age - his friends cover their ears around him and his teachers thought he was hard of hearing, but he isn't), becomes frustrated very easily, and it's difficult to calm him down. I try my best to remain calm when he is like that, but it's so extremely difficult. Sometimes I reach the end of my rope and all that comes out is this horrible mother that I never EVER wanted to be. I feel like part of the reason why I explode so easily over that stuff is because I hold his dad responsible for those behaviors. DS wasn't like that until after that one day and the behavior is even worse after he visits his dad. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for it.
Even worse, I hate the way I feel love for my son. It's always been this sense of sadness, rather than joy. God, that hurts to admit. I feel like I am responsible for all of the things that have gone wrong in his life, like I have failed at protecting him. I felt that way during my pregnancy and still feel it today. I look at him and feel sympathetic. His dad is BARELY in the picture - moved two hours away and now lives with his girlfriend and HER three year old son, skips on child support for months at a time, and makes up excuses for why he can't see him. I hate him.
On the positive end, I am now VERY happily married to a man who treats me like a queen and treats DS as though he is his own. He is the father of my DD. My pregnancy with her was VERY different. I spent my entire pregnancy feeling happy and excited. I loved every kick, thinking about what life would be like with a little girl, and I loved knowing we had created something so special and amazing. DH showered me with love through the entire pregnancy, was incredibly supportive during L&D, and has continued to love and support me since her birth. I immediately had that maternal bond that is coveted by new moms everywhere. It was the happiest day of my life and my heart was full of love.
I DO love my son - I would do anything for him. But I absolutely hate myself for failing him when he was a baby. I would change SO many things if I could go back. I would have left his dad when the abuse began and I would have never looked back. I think we both would have been happier for it.
I don't like looking at him and thinking "I'm so sorry I screwed up." There are times that I go into his room at night and study his face while he sleeps. During those times, I sit there and cry and wonder how on earth did I get so lucky to be his mom... and then screw up so much. I just want to feel that overwhelming joy that I feel for my daughter. But I don't know how to get there. I was seeing a therapist for a little while, but she wasn't all that easy to talk to and my schedule got a little crazy.
I know that was a ton to read, and I thank you if you made it all the way through that. I really needed to get it out.
Is there anyone out there who has ever been through something like this?
I don't know what to do.
This is my first time posting on this board and the first time in a long time since I've been on TB.
I could really use some help though. This might be a little long, but please, bear with me.
I have two wonderful children. DS is 3.5 and DD is 1. They have different dads. DS is from my 1st marriage and I'm currently married to DDs dad. So I guess this is really a question for other moms who have the same/similar situation. Do any of y'all ever feel different about your two kids? I don't love one more and one less than the other... I'm not sure exactly how to explain it. I guess the way I love them is very different. It worries me.
My pregnancy with DS was pretty rough. His dad was VERY abusive - verbally, emotionally, and mentally. He and I had dated off and on for 3 years before I found out I was pregnant. In fact, I got pregnant right after we got back together after a 6 month break. (I don't need to be lectured on going back to him. I know it was idiotic. However, I did get my son and I am grateful for that!) Right away, things began changing. He didn't tell ANY of his friends about it, cut off all communication with them actually. He started blaming me for all his issues - told me that he wished he had never spoken to me, that he wished he had moved back to his home state (former military), that it was my fault he was trapped in the "hell hole state" we lived in, etc. He also accused me of being pregnant with someone else's baby (his actual words were "How can I possibly love you?! I don't even know if that's my baby you're carrying!" - we were married and I was 8 months pregnant at that point). I was 20 and dumb and dependent upon him financially - I didn't know how to leave. So I convinced myself that things would get better once DS was born, but they never did. I was frequently called names, belittled, yelled at, and he threw things at me, broke our belongings when he got mad, and put several holes in our walls. I finally got up the courage to leave him when DS was 16 months.
During my pregnancy, I was deeply depressed. I spent most of my time alone in my room, crying and telling my unborn baby that I was so sorry I was bringing him into a life like that. I wanted him to be welcomed into a loving and happy family. I felt like I was completely to blame for the whole situation. When he was born, I didn't feel the extreme maternal bond that many women talk about. But I knew I loved him and I was determined to do everything I could to keep him safe, happy, and healthy. I was diagnosed with PPD a little further down the road and took medication to help with it. Right around that time, his dad and I really began arguing. He scared me multiple times, threatened my life, punched a hole in the wall right next to my head, all while I was holding DS. I saw my son change before my eyes. He went from being the happiest baby I had ever seen to one that jumped and cried at loud noises, screamed, threw frequent tantrums, and at times seemed shut off from the world. His doctors actually thought he had Autism because he began regressing so much.
Things changed drastically once we got out of that house. He is now a pretty normal little boy with a huge heart. He is so smart and considerate and genuine. However, he still goes back and forth from that happy boy to the scared one. I know that part of it is my fault. He is VERY loud (much louder than other kids his age - his friends cover their ears around him and his teachers thought he was hard of hearing, but he isn't), becomes frustrated very easily, and it's difficult to calm him down. I try my best to remain calm when he is like that, but it's so extremely difficult. Sometimes I reach the end of my rope and all that comes out is this horrible mother that I never EVER wanted to be. I feel like part of the reason why I explode so easily over that stuff is because I hold his dad responsible for those behaviors. DS wasn't like that until after that one day and the behavior is even worse after he visits his dad. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for it.
Even worse, I hate the way I feel love for my son. It's always been this sense of sadness, rather than joy. God, that hurts to admit. I feel like I am responsible for all of the things that have gone wrong in his life, like I have failed at protecting him. I felt that way during my pregnancy and still feel it today. I look at him and feel sympathetic. His dad is BARELY in the picture - moved two hours away and now lives with his girlfriend and HER three year old son, skips on child support for months at a time, and makes up excuses for why he can't see him. I hate him.
On the positive end, I am now VERY happily married to a man who treats me like a queen and treats DS as though he is his own. He is the father of my DD. My pregnancy with her was VERY different. I spent my entire pregnancy feeling happy and excited. I loved every kick, thinking about what life would be like with a little girl, and I loved knowing we had created something so special and amazing. DH showered me with love through the entire pregnancy, was incredibly supportive during L&D, and has continued to love and support me since her birth. I immediately had that maternal bond that is coveted by new moms everywhere. It was the happiest day of my life and my heart was full of love.
I DO love my son - I would do anything for him. But I absolutely hate myself for failing him when he was a baby. I would change SO many things if I could go back. I would have left his dad when the abuse began and I would have never looked back. I think we both would have been happier for it.
I don't like looking at him and thinking "I'm so sorry I screwed up." There are times that I go into his room at night and study his face while he sleeps. During those times, I sit there and cry and wonder how on earth did I get so lucky to be his mom... and then screw up so much. I just want to feel that overwhelming joy that I feel for my daughter. But I don't know how to get there. I was seeing a therapist for a little while, but she wasn't all that easy to talk to and my schedule got a little crazy.
I know that was a ton to read, and I thank you if you made it all the way through that. I really needed to get it out.
Is there anyone out there who has ever been through something like this?
I don't know what to do.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need some help, please... advice and kind words welcome.
I'm so sorry you experienced that. You both went through something
traumatic and it makes sense that you'd need help coming back from that. I think therapy is a good idea.
Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).
Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!
You sound like you love your son very very much. I think he is lucky to have a mom like you!
I think it is important for you to realize that you did the best you could. Forgive yourself. You made it out of an abusive relationship and learned how to be involved in a healthy one. Be proud of yourself, you are a survivor. You showed your son, by leaving his father, that abuse is never all right and have kept him from being abused and/or becoming an abuser.
Go talk to someone, whether it's a therapist or a member of your community that you can trust, like a preacher. It will help immensely to air out the guilt you feel so that you can let it go.
I agree with counseling and just know you are starting a new life with him.