WWYD?

cbrust · February 2014

Hey May 14! I hope I don't get flamed for this.... But I have a shower etiquette question. My mom and MIL are hosting my shower, and MIL asked me today if her MIL (DH's grandma) was on my guest list/going to be invited. She (grandma) is quite...elderly and is unfortunately loosing her mind to dementia. She is still aware enough that she would, I think, be upset if she wasn't invited, however MIL and I both agree it would be a little uncomfortable having her there. She needs help getting her own food, gets confused very easily, and forgets who people are. With MIL hosting, no one would be able to assist her.
Would it be awful if I didn't invite her? MIL has left it up to me and said she will support me either way (I dont think she wants the burden of having to take care of her either).

Nikita651 · February 2014

Do you have a sister or bestie that could "grannysit" her during the shower? I've got a grandpa in the same condition and we all have to keep close tabs on him. He says and does some crazy things sometimes.

If you don't have anyone who can be a designated grannysitter during the party, then it might be better to celebrate with her and some family members privately, so she'll at least feel involved.

fyafighterwife86 · February 2014

Nikita651 said:
Do you have a sister or bestie that could "grannysit" her during the shower? I've got a grandpa in the same condition and we all have to keep close tabs on him. He says and does some crazy things sometimes.

If you don't have anyone who can be a designated grannysitter during the party, then it might be better to celebrate with her and some family members privately, so she'll at least feel involved.

This.
I would hate for you to later regret she wasn't involved. Or better yet- have her realize she wasn't involved and it cause issues.
IMO- she won't be around much longer so appreciate her while she's still here

bumpuser10194737 · February 2014

DH's grandma is the same way, except that she has deteriorated to the point that she wouldn't even think about the shower. :-( I can already think of who would be able to watch her though if I were to have invited her to my shower (I'm in Michigan and she's in Arizona and could not make the trip anyway.) If you have one or even two people who can split up the time to be with her and help her, I would invite her, like the PPs have said. In my case it's a cousin who would have been able and willing to do it.

MissLadyTay · February 2014

I would absolutely invite her and then ask someone to sit by her and help her. Are there any aunts or cousins who could help? If not, I would ask a friend. You're the guest of honor, so if you ask for help with this, people should be jumping.

rainydayluck · February 2014

I'd invite her.

MamaLlama14 · February 2014

She should be invited. Have several people take turns helping her if she's a handful. She should be there.

mileswithmyles · February 2014

I agree with the grannysitter. Does someone take care of her everyday? My BFF's grandma is similar and she has a nurse that we invited to come with her to the bridal shower last year and the baby shower this year.

Nmooney1 · February 2014

I think you answere your own question when you said she is aware enough that she would probably be upset.
If you Mom and MIL are going to be there, I would assume other family members would be as well. Heaven forbid someone can't take two mins to get her a plate of food and sit with her.

MrsT2008 · February 2014

I can't imagine not having MH's grandma at my baby shower, especially if she's aware enough to know if she's not invited. I would feel horrible.

likeabel · February 2014

I'm kind of in the same position with my grandmama but she is probably more deteriorated. I'm inviting her but I know she won't want to come the day of the shower. I like the idea of doing a separate family event but will probably just take the baby there once he's born.

limechiffon · February 2014

If it were me I would ask MIL what she thinks is best and go with that. I would also suggest to my husband that he could offer to come to the shower and help with Grandma care -- my husband isn't one for "girls parties" but he would do it for his mom. But in the end, I would just go with MIL's preference, especially if I'm not going to be the one who'll be taking care of her before, during, and after the party.

Baileypearl · February 2014

If she's aware she wasn't invited then i would invite her. Actually I'd invite her anyway cause it's the "right" thing to do. Someone will help you look after her. Help with food and reorientation isn't that bad. I can understand your MIL's concern cause she wants to be a hostess, but that shouldn't mean granny can't come.

RedInLove · February 2014

Just seconding what everyone else said. I would invite her, and if she does attend then have some helpers lined up that can be sure her needs are taken care of so you both can enjoy the day. For our wedding, I knew my grandmother would not be able to get herself there, so I arranged one of my aunts to pick her up to bring her, and another aunt brought her home. In my grandmother's final months, she would not have had the energy to attend an event, but if she had I would have made sure she always had someone near her to tend to whatever she needed so that the hosts could do their thing and that I would have time to see all of the guests there.

cbrust · February 2014

Nikita651 said:

Do you have a sister or bestie that could "grannysit" her during the shower? I've got a grandpa in the same condition and we all have to keep close tabs on him. He says and does some crazy things sometimes. If you don't have anyone who can be a designated grannysitter during the party, then it might be better to celebrate with her and some family members privately, so she'll at least feel involved.

I like this idea. I guess I should give more info-DH and I live out of state and I'll be flying in for the shower. The only family that lives in town (where my shower is) is my parents, one of my sisters, DH's parents, his brothers, and his grandparents. That being said, MIL is the only one family-wise that would be able to take care of her because she is the only one granny knows. DH's grandpa currently takes care of her, and more recently she is forgetting even who he is. She is aware enough to know that she gets confused, but not aware enough to ask for help. Now that we live out of state she has forgotten that I'm even pregnant, and I don't think she would think of the shower on her own.

I think I've answered my own question though, and ultimately I think I keep going back to that it's not my grandma. I know that sounds bad, but I can't be the only one who doesn't feel an attachment to their grandma-in-law?

I do like the idea of having a family get together with her there. It's hard being out of state, but I'm sure I could squeeze in some time for a dinner with them.

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