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Postpartum Depression
melissa53142
member
Struggling to find happiness and peace . . .
melissa53142
member
I am a mom of a 15 month old and am 7 months pregnant with our second child. I’ve been overcome with a feeling of numbness and hopelessness in just about every aspect of my life for what seems like almost 2 years . . . yet I manage to keep up with activities of daily living (new job, social connections, housekeeping, finances and being a wife). My husband recently told me that our marriage has been “horrific” ever since I got pregnant with our first and he’s only hoping that things will change soon, if not, he is not sure we can be together. He says he feels like he is walking on egg-shells. This breaks my heart. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I am struggling. I find resentment in everything and I know this is not healthy for my children or marriage. They deserve a mom and wife who is happy and I don’t know how to get there.
One of our biggest sources of contention is his family. I am a private person, he and his family are not and they feel the need to live vicariously through us. This bothers me tremendously every day. Why can’t I feel flattered about this? They push and push and I feel like I’m always trying set boundaries yet they don’t respect them. I’m tired of it and have been ever since I got pregnant with my first. They call my daughter “our” baby, and also have announced, “We’re having another baby”. No, my husband and I are having another baby, the grandparents are not. I want to be congratulated by my in-laws, not made to feel that my daughter/new baby is theirs. When I had a shower with my first, I sent an email to my MIL to thank her for hosting a shower and her response was egotistical, “our baby got so many nice things.” My husband thinks I should open up to them “because they really do care” but I don’t want to because information spreads through his family so fast. They usually know things about me before I even do and I hate that feeling. I’ve also caught them talking about me behind my back on more than one occasion. I feel that my husband is more emotionally attached to his family than to me. We can both come home from work and he’ll have nothing to say to me. We live very close to his family and there is not a day that goes by that he’s not on the phone with them, over at their house, or they’re at our house because they were passing by and need to “use the restroom or drop something off/pick something up.” Their priority is only to see my daughter yet they come up with excuses as to why they need to stop over. For some odd reason, they have an inventory in their minds of everything we own, so when someone that they know is looking to borrow something, his family will ask us if they can borrow it for their friends. It’s so strange to me. I simply don’t understand their underlying need to always know what is going on with us. My husband tells me to just accept them for who they are and deal with it. He doesn’t think they are too pesky, he wants me to be more involved with them. He says, if they bother me so much then I need to bring it up with them. I think he ought to help me with that, but he doesn’t want to “get in the middle”. I understand to a point that they are not going to change but I want to teach them how to be respectful of me and my privacy as well as the privacy I want with my family. I also need to figure out how to get my husband to be on my side with how I feel and the level of respect and privacy that I want. I know part of it is that I need to change my reaction toward them, but when I already feel hopeless, I don’t feel as if I can make a difference at all. All I do is ponder and hold in their every action and I’m sick of feeling and thinking this way. I don't always feel as if I'm completely overboard with the way I feel toward his family because they are too much at times, but I know part of it changing the way I think and act, but I don't know how to do it.
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Re: Struggling to find happiness and peace . . .
What worked for me was that when someone said something stupid, I had to quickly take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds, then exhale slowly. Taming that initial gut reaction before it had a chance to explode helped slow my mind down. This, in turn, allowed me to engage in self talk and explain to myself why it wasn't worth getting upset. Ask yourself questions like, "are they trying to make me upset on purpose?" "Why am I upset? (And when you "say" your answer, ask why again, then again, etc. It can actually be really enlightening to find the "root" of why you're upset by something).
I'm sorry that YH doesn't "get" why you're so upset. It sounds like you have tried to explain it to him in the past but he was unreceptive. I'm not sure what to tell you
Therapy! Take your husband, talk it out. Just having a mediator and a safe space to talk can do wonders. All your problems won't be solved with one session, but you will lay the groundwork for progress. If it becomes aparent that you need more help (i.e., medication), your therapist can then refer you to a psychiatrist.
You need to have your boundaries for personal space respected. They way your ILs act would bug the crap out of me too. YH is used to it because he grew up that way. He might not truly "get" why it bothers you so much, or how it exactly makes you feel.
Just because you are meeting your day-to-day living responsibilities doesn't mean everything is ok. You and YH need help. If you don't know how to find a therapist, start by asking your OB. GL!