I need to vent

bhuffman · February 2014

Okay, my DH is working in the study and I just put the kids down. I haven't told people about this IRL but I feel I need some advice or to vent or something.

My mom is a functioning alcoholic. We live 5-10 minutes from my parents. Her drinking has been an issue for about 3 years. I won't bore you will all the drama, but two weeks ago my dad was traveling for work and she went on a major binge. I lost my shit and kicked her out of my house when she showed up after drinking for 24 hours and I basically made the decision that she could only see the boys when DH or I are around. She and my dad usually let the boys sleep over or send DH and I on date nights and she ends up drinking and my dad ends up babysitting the boys plus my mom.
Anyway, besides safety concerns, I also worry that my five year old is going to realize his grandmother is acting strangely and it is just going to be emotionally scarring to him or something.
Anyway, I spoke with my dad when he retuned from his business trip and they have come over since to see the boys a couple of times and I joined my mom for the painting outing and ended up meeting her for lunch today.
At lunch she asked to take the boys overnight on Saturday and I evaded answering. Then she texted me an hour ago and I basically said we had a busy weekend but offered to host her and my dad for dinner on Sunday. She said no and then said she can't believe I don't trust her and that this is really hurting her.
I feel awful and I feel like I'm just making the issue worse. I hate being the a-hole and I don't really know if I am doing the right thing. It's a mess.
I'm sorry if you read all that but do you think I should have made that decision? Should I be doing something else/different?

Hollylb3 · February 2014

No, I totally agree with you. The same thing happened last year with SD and her grandpa and she's not allowed to be alone with him anymore.

ASullivan1231 · February 2014

You are doing the right thing. I'd be upfront with her. I'd say, "I love you Mom, but I'm concerned about your drinking. I think you need help, and I don't want you drinking around the kids." I know it's scary and hard, but your kids' safety is your first priority. I hope for everyone involved that your mom gets help. I'm sorry!

id012 · February 2014

I can relate with you. My dad is also a functioning alcoholic. He would go on binges and I wasn't really worried about him around my son bc hes never in charge of him.
The last time he went on a binger I had a bug heart to heart with him. I went over there unannounced during the day when no one was around and just kind if laid it out for him. I told him I was scared. I was so scared of lossing him. I asked him if he wanted to watch his grand children grow uo. Etc.
Honestly things have been so much better since that conversation.
I dont know what your relationship is with you mom but my dad and I never share feelings and that was huge for us to do so, so I think it really ment something.
I dont know if that helps at all. I dont know what the right path is in something like this but just do what you feel in your heart is right and know that your not alone. I can totally relate.

coromble · February 2014

You absolutely did the right thing. I know you love your mom and you are concerned about her, but your primary concern has to be for your kids. I think it's very wise of you to offer the alternative of having your parents over for dinner. It does not allow your kids to be over there, but shows your mom that you still want her in your life and in the kids lives. I hope and pray that this will work as a catalyst for her getting some help and getting sober!

bhuffman · February 2014

Thanks everyone. I know in my head that I am doing the responsible thing but it is so so hard. Thanks for your encouragement and other ideas, too.

rosesandpetals · February 2014

Kimbus22 said:

I'm sorry. My dad was an alcoholic so I've been there, done that.

The thing to remember is that your first priority is to your children, not your mother. And your 5 year old is old enough to start to realize something is off. You're doing what you need to do to protect them. Your mom won't see that because she's too far into her addiction. But coddling her by letting her do things that make you uncomfortable may keep the peace temporarily but it will do nothing to fix the problem and it will just give you more problems in the long run.Tell her you're sorry her feelings are hurt but that her drinking around the kids is a dealbreaker for you so she can see them when you're there but not alone and then stick to it.

This. It sucks that her feelings are hurt but you need to protect your kids. Your older son noticing something being off would obviously be an issue but the bigger issue is that they may get hurt. She may never do anything to hurt them intentionally, but what if she passes out and there is an emergency? What if she hurts herself and is too drunk to get help? But FWIW, I may try and set some guidelines for when she will be allowed alone with the kids. Maybe say, if you start going to meetings and are sober for X amount of time, then you can start having sleepovers again. Or whatever makes you comfortable. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

ToastieSimons · February 2014

Ugh, I feel for you. My DH is a recovering alcoholic and I remember hitting that point in our relationship where I finally had to take a stand.

But, you need to be very frank with her. Tell her the reason why you don't feel comfortable. You can't be evasive with the answers. This needs to be a direct effect of drinking. It's not an ultimatum as in quit drinking or you'll never see the boys. But it is cause and effect. Because you drink we don't feel comfortable with the boys staying over there anymore.

Cherryblossoms07 · February 2014

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with you. You need to protect your kids. I have never dealt with an alcoholic, but I would try telling her that you would love to have the kids stay if she gets help and shows that she can stay in recovery.

coromble · February 2014

You absolutely did the right thing. I know you love your mom and you are concerned about her, but your primary concern has to be for your kids. I think it's very wise of you to offer the alternative of having your parents over for dinner. It does not allow your kids to be over there, but shows your mom that you still want her in your life and in the kids lives. I hope and pray that this will work as a catalyst for her getting some help and getting sober!

bhuffman · February 2014

Thanks, everyone. You all validated my feelings. I appreciate your suggestions and I know that I need to be point blank every time my mom asks to watch the boys. It is exhausting. I know it's an illness, and I feel bad that it annoys me that she can't just stop drinking. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

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