Who visits 1st?

mmks · February 2014

With my son, I had my mom and dad come and stay with us for a week and then a few days later, my MIL came and stayed for 4-5 days. I had had a c/s and really needed all the help with everything.
This time, MH seems to think that his mom should get to come stay with us 1st after the baby is born. I kinda feel like he shouldn't really get much of a say in this...I mean, I'll be the one going through labor and (hopefully) pushing a baby out OR I'll be dealing with the recovery from a RCS. Like, would he want my mom to come stay with us while he was recovering if he had major surgery? Ummmm probably not, he'd want his mom.
I get along with my ILs ok, but my MIL was not real supportive of my nursing the 1st time around and I just don't want to have to deal with that right after returning from the hospital with a new baby.

Kageer · February 2014

My mom has always come and stayed first because we are really close and I really needed her support and advice the first week or so. Explain to your husband that you need the support only your mom can give at first. You are still having your inlaws come and stay so it is not like they won't get to see the baby and help as well.

chillypenguin · February 2014

I see where your DH is coming from, but I kind of agree with you. I love my MIL, but I am just closer to my mom. My mom was also there when I came home helping me with nursing (she didn't stay with us, but when she would stop by and visit). Like you said, there are times where you just want your mom! I would go with whoever makes you the most comfortable and is the most help right when you get home from the hospital.

RachelCA29 · February 2014

My husband and I are having the same struggle. We're not really planning on having anyone come stay with us (we have no guest room), but we have two sides of the family VERY eager to meet and "help" with baby boy. The big issue for us is that each of our families will have to travel at least an hour to come visit, so little short, "drop-ins" aren't really any option when they will spend so much time driving.

The most important thing to remember is that it should be a decision made by you and your husband and NOT by the visitors. I'm so over the pressure we are getting from both sides about visiting "priority", and time. Everyone will get plenty of time to visit the new baby when he and WE are ready. I plan on keeping him around for quite a while, it doesn't have to be a contest.

It needs to be what makes you comfortable and what would actually be HELPFUL for you in the first few days/weeks. You two aren't going to be able to "entertain", etc. when you are in the throws of it, and in making the decision the NEEDS of what will be happening need to come before what will make everyone (else) the happiest. I guess the trickiest part is hashing it out with your husband because you guys are on opposite opinions on this one. I would just try to explain from a "needs" standpoint why you want your mom to come first, etc. and then listen to his side fairly too. But when it comes down to it, if you are thinking about the support and help that your family will need when baby comes home, and he is just trying to make it "fair" for his mom, then the need part kind of wins out in my opinion.

That being said, since you do already have a little one at home, and aren't brand new to the motherhood thing, his mom coming first might be helpful if she could take over a lot of the childcare for your other LO while you are recovering and getting settled with the new baby. If having her come to stay first makes that much of a difference to her and your husband, than just going with that might make it easier on you than having to hash out your side (and you'll get extra points for letting him 'win').

AnnieA75 · February 2014

You're the one giving birth and going through a c-section, so I definitely think you should get to make the final call on this one. I'm having a RCS as well and will have my mother there to help immediately following. MIL lives in India, so we're not in the same situation as you with having to choose who is there first, but if I did have a choice, it would definitely be my mother and my sister. Both were a huge help when I had DD, and I'm sure they will be just as helpful this time around with DS.

mmks · February 2014

kitchencolors said:

I think you need to have whoever will make you the most comfortable and be most helpful around you. Trying to make things "fair" by keeping score and taking turns is never going to happen. Life it's some sort of zero sum game where you have a certain number of points to dole out to different people.

OMG - you totally nailed it! I don't know why MH feels the need to do this.

RedInLove · February 2014

My belief is the patient gets to decide. DH knows I feel this way and is fine with it. We won't be having house guests as we live close to everyone, but whether it comes down to who is going to come over to do things or take me to an appointment if I can't drive, or if I do have a c/s and need more help, it will be up to me.

FlemDance · February 2014

Totally agree with all PPs. It should be up to you, especially if you end up having a CS. My MIL was an awesome lady and I actually adored her, but I would still prefer my own mom helping any day of the week. I just think, for me, there would be more of a comfort level there and truly no need to do anything other than what comes naturally/what you feel like doing/what you need to do for yourself and baby. It seems like you feel that way, too. Go with your gut. Good luck!

MissLadyTay · February 2014

I have a pretty great relationship with my in laws but I still want my own parents here first. And my MIL understands that. She said she'll come whenever my mom leaves, bless her. If MH was insisting on having his mom here "first" I don't know how I would fight it, but I would.

whitneymarie003 · February 2014

Absolutely agree with all the PP's. You should get the final say. As long as your IL's get to stay eventually, I don't see why it's a big deal. We are going through a similar situation, I wish IL's were easier to deal with sometimes!

jenb_99 · February 2014

kitchencolors said:

I think you need to have whoever will make you the most comfortable and be most helpful around you. Trying to make things "fair" by keeping score and taking turns is never going to happen. Life it's some sort of zero sum game where you have a certain number of points to dole out to different people.

This. Screw "fair." Surround yourself with the people who make you happiest and most comfortable and who are the most willing to help and support you. Yes, it's DH's baby too, but your body is the one recovering and your hormones are the ones leveling out.

hfooter · February 2014

I would say your mom first. You are the one recovering, not him. Simple as that. I feel like your MIL should understand. If not, that is her problem.

Xath · February 2014

I think the issue might be coming from different perspectives of what your moms are there for. When my mom came to stay with us after DS1 was born, she was primarily there to help me. Yes, she also got the perks of lots of grandson snuggles, but she spent the majority of the time doing things I couldn't do after having a c-section, and making sure that I got plenty of bonding time with my son. Your husband might be looking at it from the optic that the moms are coming there to visit the new baby, and "help" the baby, and from that perspective it's "fair" for the moms to alternate who gets to come first. Have an honest conversation with him about what your mom does when she comes down, and why you value her time. I love my MIL(s), but I can't totally relax when they visit because I feel like they're guests in my house and I need to tend to them, even though they'd be happy to be there and be helpful. My mom and I are close enough that I don't feel bad when she sees my house a mess or does laundry for me.

Nmooney1 · February 2014

That is a very personal choice. I have never wanted anyone to stay with us after either of our two were born, and sure wont after this one either (all c/s). If people want to stop by and visit, give me a ring-a-ding-ding, and come on over. But please, leave the suitcases at home.

spinsoffresonance · February 2014

I'm not really in the same situation as you. My mom lives in a Europe and is a teacher, so she can only come during school vacation. With DD, my MIL came to stay with us for the birth. I had a scheduled csection. This time around FIL is coming. I was apprehensive about having MiL around because she is fairly handicapped and I thought she might be a hassle. She is self sufficient in her own house, but it's very hard for her at our place in the city given that it's a walk up and we didn't own a car at the time. DH made it very clear to her that she could come but that she would have to take care of herself, take cabs back and forth to the hospital on her own, etc. we just made sure the fridge was full when she got there. In the end it worked out much better than I had anticipated. Yes it was awkward learning to BF with her always in the room, but I got over it quickly and she was very helpful with the baby. It also really helped DH calm down and relax having her around to help with the baby. And since I was in the hospital for 5 days, she was only around for 2 more days once I got discharged.
So my point is be open minded about having your ILs around, it might work out better than you expected. However, if your mom is able to come and you'd rather have her around, just tell DH you will be recovering from major surgery and you want your own mom there to help you.

Mimaloo · February 2014

It will be my mom - there's a lot of underlying crap with my MIL, although she's been on her best behavior since I got pregnant. I've already told DH that I'm going to need my mom. That and the fact that my mom will stay at our house, take care of the dog, let the cleaning lady in and cook for us keeps DH from objecting.

Bootsie327 · February 2014

My mom is planning on staying with us for at least a few days following. I'm sure my MIL will come down, too, at some point...but not sure if she'll stay overnight or just do day trips.

ErikaLynn75 · February 2014

We are dealing with this issue right now as well. Not so much who will come first, but WHEN everyone will come. Both sets of parents will be travelling 5-6 hours to see us, and it's just generally stressful for me to have guests, even when I know they won't expect anything from us and they want to be there to help, it's still going to be stressful for me to have all the extra people around during that time.

So I told DH I don't want visitors right away, and he basically said we can't stop his mother from coming to the hospital and being in the waiting room when the baby arrives. To which I responded, "Wanna bet?" I mean, she's 5 hours away. She won't know the baby arrived until we call her. If she's not going to respect my wishes about when to visit, then she won't get a phone call until I'm ready to see her.

The whole thing pisses me off. I'm usually a pretty flexible person, but I am not budging on this. My parents will do whatever I ask of them. I plan to have them get here around the time we come home from the hospital, and get a hotel room. Then I'll decide later if I want my mom to spend the night to help me out more. I would love for the ILs to do the same thing. Show up, get a hotel room, and then wait to be invited to the hotel or to our house. And no bitching if I don't want to see you for the first 24 hours. Sorry not sorry.

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