3rd tri and bereavement stress

BleubirdOnAWire · February 2014

I'm at 29 weeks and still in shock from the death of my DH 2 weeks ago. I am still waiting to escort his remains out of China and back to the US which will take another two weeks. From the moment I found out the news I made a decision to not allow natural reactions to take over and potentially cause harm to my baby girl inside. I cry, but won't allow myself to sob or scream. It feels like my mind is split in two, but I just see it as a trauma situation where she needs to be treated first. Still, there must be extra adrenaline and stress hormones running through my body and affecting her. My body shakes, my mind is muddy. I just read a study that stress hormones in utero can cause a compromised immune system in baby's early years. What can I do? The doctor said she is a bit small and I must eat more. Something which is hard to do, but gives me a task to care for her.

We had been so looking forward to the delivery, hoping to go natural. I wanted to go into it with my cells alive and my mind calm. Now I am feeling so weak in spirit that I am dreading the delivery. I have no excitement around it, and in fact, fear that I will fail and do some kind of harm in attempting. Looking forward to having her here though!

Also, is it odd that I am 29 weeks and have not had a pelvic exam? Might be different procedure here in China.

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar I'd appreciate a kind word. In the meanwhile, breathing, walking, and looking at pictures of her father seem to calm me.

mcgeeva · February 2014

First off I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have no advice but to offer encouragment. As hard is it is you definitely need to think of your little one and eat. Stress does crazy things to our bodies and placentas so as much as you can honestly let it all out. Cry as much as you need to. Don't hold it in. It may just add more stress to your life even after your baby comes. Do you have a good support group where you are? Are you heading back to the states when the baby comes?

When you say pelvic exam are you talking about having your cervix checked etc? They shouldn't be doing any of that for another 9-10 weeks. They will do the swab to check for a Strep Test closer to your due date but that is about it. Hang in there...your little amazing wonder will be here before you know it. That in itself won't take over the sadness but will be a reason to find ways to be happy etc.

ncbelle · February 2014

So sorry for your loss.

Do you have a good support system there? Friends/family?

I think you need to permit yourself to grieve. Holding in your emotions isn't healthy for you or baby. And certainly seeking support - both from friends/family and a professional - is the best thing you can do.

Be gentle with yourself. T&Ps for you.

BleubirdOnAWire · February 2014

That's one vote for crying it out. It feels more disruptive to let it out though. I don't know, maybe you're right.

Our lives were based here overseas, but I feel it's best to go be around my family through this part otherwise I am completely alone. I have some good friends but wouldn't expect them to care for me like family could. Post-partum brain combined with sleepless brain and heart in mourning make for a bad scene. I would only be alone if I had no other choice.

Okay, I guess it's normal that doctors have only checked me from the outside until it gets later in the pregnancy.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. She has a lot of people anticipating her safe arrival.

Avion22 · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my first husband about 5 and a half years ago, and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through....but I made it through, and so will you. I agree about letting yourself grieve. It's so incredibly important to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. I wouldn't worry too much about stress hormones affecting the baby, but you DO need to make sure that you are eating properly, getting enough sleep, etc. There are plenty of sleep aids that you can take while pregnant if you need to. Support from your family is great, but I also recommend you get some kind of grief counseling as the birth approaches...maybe when you get back to the states it will be easier to find something. Your insurance probably covers it -- if not, you might try the hospital that you will give birth at. If you are religious, your place of worship might be helpful too.

Again, I am so so sorry that you are going through this.

KLP1982 · February 2014

I am so sorry for your loss! My husband suffered a severe, unexpected medical emergency that almost killed him when I was about 5 months pregnant. He was in a medically induced coma for 10 days and was on the brink of death every day. He was one of the very lucky few that survive. I can truly empathize with you.

SEE YOUR DOCTOR. I hate taking medications unless I absolutely must but mine prescribed hydroxyzine (an antihistamine) which is safe for pregnancy and really helped me cope with the severe stress and grief I was facing. Make yourself eat- even when food is the last thing you want to think about. Like PP said, try to be around those closest to you. Just the physical presence of someone being there can be immensely helpful. For me, distraction was also really helpful- I cleaned my entire house from top to bottom just to have an outlet for stress related energy and something to take my mind off the constant worry. And, allow yourself to feel! Whatever it is. Grief is such a strange process, don't worry if what you are feeling is "normal" or not. Sometimes I laughed when I reminisced about our times together, and a minute later would start bawling. Just allow yourself to feel however you want. Try journaling- sometimes just putting your words on paper can help you to sort through them as well.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Ashleypixie · February 2014

My heart breaks for you. I have no advice to give, since I've never been in a similar situation, but I wish for things to get better for you as soon as possible. I would want to go home in that situation, be near friends and family. You need to be taken care of and it's fine to need that. You can't turn grieving off because you're expecting a baby so don't put yourself under the pressure with thoughts of stress hormones and natural labor. What will be will be. I'd address these feeling with your dr. I wish I could say or do something for you, I'm sorry.

JuneMrs · February 2014

I'm so sorry!!!!

My advice based on nothing other than my own opinion. Get near family/friends/a strong support system. Seek a counselor. Cry and let out your emotions. Find something that brings you peace walking, yoga, meditation, swimming, etc and find a way to make peace with the situation you are dealing with and connecting with your baby.

yeah. · February 2014

No advice, but I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. how horrible

Do you have a friend or family member to support you during your delivery?

BleubirdOnAWire · February 2014

Thank you for your words of comfort, ladies. When I get back to the US in a few weeks I plan to take advantage of all those wonderful american things like bereavement groups, english-speaking doctors, and hugs from Mom. Until then I will just do every hour as it comes.

The information here in forums is really valuable to me as I don't have easy access to books, doctors (it's complicated), youtube or even online research of certain topics (so much is blocked). I'm really grateful for all the contributions to a place like this.

Thanks again.

HobokensFury · February 2014

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.

nstecklein · February 2014

In reaction to your labor and delivery, you can do it! Instead of feeling alone in there without dh, just remember that now he can be there and supportive and be close to you in a way that he couldn't before for the delivery. You can do this!

RebeccaY1 · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I would talk to your doctor about this situation. I think it's healthier to grieve rather than trying to hold it all in. Sometimes trying to hold in emotions causes more stress than just letting them take over. In the end you are going through something stressful and whether you hold it in or let yourself grieve, it's still stressful.

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