Vent - BD is a sociopath

jdias428 · February 2014

So, quick recap - 20 wks pregnant, ex/BD broke up with me 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant (via email), after 2 weeks of trying to convince me to abort. Then he didn't talk to me for about 3 months.

He finally called last night, wanting to talk about how he wants to be in the kid's life. But not until she's one year old and only when it is convenient for him, as he's moving back to LA from NY (decision made after he knew baby would be close to NY). And of course, made sure to reiterate in several ways that he didn't love me, way back when, when he used to tell me daily I was the love of his life and his soulmate, that he was just excited and overreacted and got carried away. Meanwhile, regarding his time off the face of the planet, he said he didn't want to talk to me bc my anger/craziness made him not want to deal with me. What a gentleman, to gaslight a woman for perfectly rational emotions when her mate abandons her in such a immature manner. I sent a few emails over the course of 3 months, knowing that he wanted to be in the kid's life, usually to vent my frustrations for how he decided to handle it and how it affected me (who had to move 3000 miles and move in with my parents to keep this baby alive). Silly of me to think that the BD, the THERAPIST no less, would be interested in how he made me feel and how I was adjusting to the situation. I'm well aware of crazy, and believe me, he did not get any dose of crazy. I am the most self-aware person he has had the privilege of knowing. And labeling a woman like that is pretty damn convenient to deflect blame away from a man's own unacceptable actions.

My strategy with him during this time was actually to be super low pressure to help the poor man child adjust, and hopefully consider being a reasonable parent. Sadly, his time off the face of the earth only helped facilitate his egotistical and narcissistic beliefs, that he indeed is god's gift to this green earth... as he also stated, "I didn't want to speak with you because I knew you wanted a relationship or nothing from me". WTF. I didn't want him in our lives and I told him I didn't want his money, clean break. But if he's going to start to make ridiculous demands and restrictions... only being in her life at the after the age of one? and only when it's convenient for him? Screw you, loser, you're paying child support. And you can f**k off.

(long exaggerated sigh)

tig594 · February 2014

Go get him!

Gamera3000 · February 2014

Man...what a piece of work. I read a book called The Sociopath Next Door, and in it was an example of how people like that are drawn to positions of psychological power, such as being therapists.

Maybe he can enter your LOs life at age TWENTY one and in the meantime he can pay his CS and leave you alone.

jesuisfatiguee · February 2014

No, but seriously, what the hell? This is something that gets me like ???

"I didn't want to speak with you because I knew you wanted a relationship or nothing from me".

What the fuck does that mean? I mean, seriously. Sounds like someone needs to get over himself. Make sure you document this crap. What a piece of work. I mean...

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

Document document document. Also the fuck? Why after one? And seriousley his excuses are lame. Sorry your dealing with such a douche nozzle

jdias428 · February 2014

Such an ass. Gah.

artistlife · February 2014

What ass. Sounds like my H.

tig594 · February 2014

lol. BD thinks he's all hot and crap. Yeah, that hat and those sweatshirts you ALWAYS wear with deer on them are sooo sexy! Not to mention you're getting old and don't really have any pride in your appearance. You were hot when we were 16 and I bought half your clothes because I loved buying you presents with my parent's money.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

tig594 said:
lol. BD thinks he's all hot and crap. Yeah, that hat and those sweatshirts you ALWAYS wear with deer on them are sooo sexy! Not to mention you're getting old and don't really have any pride in your appearance. You were hot when we were 16 and I bought half your clothes because I loved buying you presents with my parent's money.

Mine thinks hes soooo sexy with his weight hes put on, graphic tshirts, and cargo pants

20thirteen · February 2014

I love how guys think parenting goes on whatever schedule they choose. As if a child will just pause and wait until it's time to see him again or something. What a tool. Tell that guy if he wants to be involved, it starts from birth. If he can't handle that, then tell him to stay the fuck out. I fucking hate these stupid pricks who are all lovey dovey and then suddenly "I NEVER MEANT IT, I'M A BIG PUSSY THAT CAN'T HANDLE RESPONSIBILITY" when they find out that oopsie, made a baby...

@tig594 & @lamuehlen - My BD gained like 60lbs and every time he's come over, he looked like he hadn't showered in days but still decided to put on relatively nice pants and a button up shirt. He looked like a polished turd. BTW, the pants and the shirts were clothes I had bought for him before we had broken up. I'm surprised they still fit.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

Im with @roxalot. I wasnt even romantically involved with bd and i STILL have emotional whip lash from that mother fucker

MaggieF516 · February 2014

I can relate to your story. Prior to our breakup, I started researching narcissistic personality disorder and it fit my ex to a T (i.e. while I was in labor, he was actually complaining about how tired he was!). I never understood why he acted the way he did, but then it all made sense. I decided to put a private investigator on him and caught him going to a hotel with another women but he had the audacity to tell me "You're crazy, I didn't cheat on you. We were just getting a drink." Umm...yeah, ok. I'm crazy and you were probably just at her hotel watching a Lifetime movie. I kicked him out the next day. Following the breakup, I learned that he had lied to me significantly about his past. Everything was a lie or considerable stretch of the truth. Yet, I still continue to be the "crazy" one. My therapist said he is most definitely a sociopath.

Research narcissistic personality disorder as much as you can as it sounds like it might be that (telling you that you're the love of their life then changing that at almost overnight, etc). I felt so much better just knowing what I was dealing with (and also knowing I would have to deal with him another 17 years so I had to be equipped). I can pretty much anticipate his next move too so it's pretty helpfu. He should also have to pay child support. I know it would be easier to tell him to leave you both alone, but it will help toward your child's future. Don't let him get out of it so easy. You sound like you are being completely calm and rational with him (I wish I could do the same), don't listen to what he says. Blaming and gaslighting are CONSTANT with these types of people. It doesn't matter what he does, there will always be an excuse and it will always be your fault.

Gamera3000 · February 2014

I have heard that "you're crazy" excuse (along with "why are you doing this?") every single time I've caught a guy cheating or lying to me. And like others already said, that really is gaslighting and I think a lot of us underestimate how effective and terrible it is.

jdias428 · February 2014

MaggieF516... yup. I've read about NPD already. It's him. and I can't help but be disappointed with myself for falling for the shit. Friends around me were like: "It's almost like you've been conned". That's exactly what it felt like.

He texted me today to ask about my anatomy scan (which was perfect, thank goodness). I started a conversation about baby, forgetting that I am not talking to a normal human being. I spend way too much of my mental energy wishing this guy was an entirely different person. Ugh.

How about the word "hysteria": excessive emotional overreaction. A word used to mean "crazy", taken from the latin word for uterus. Men gaslighting women has been going on forever. And it takes advantage of our nurturing, caring nature... as I'm sure most women don't realize it happening, then take it personally, being concerned about what their man is saying. I know he does it, and I still let his words bother me.

eg214 · February 2014

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists is an amazing read. Not that it will fix your sitch but helped me understand how much of a lunatic I wasn't and how sick my exbf was. I about died when it mentioned NPD's were more likely to use drugs (cocaine specific) and exbf was major into cocaine. There's also a great resource on FB that helps you feel more normal also. I will find the name and pass onto you.

I wish I could understand my BD. He's just an absolute personal disaster with no coping skills and massive issues from childhood. The PTSD dx does "help" but for me, more of an excuse.

Anyway...I'm with all the others. Sick of douche assholes who think they get to make the rules on being "when I feel like it" parents. Hugs.

jdias428 · February 2014

thanks ladies. I did just buy a book yesterday called "Disarming the narcissist"... written for therapists and family members of NPDs. I went to undergrad for psych, so this book is hitting home. But he qualifies as one of the most severe, likely untreatable cases. Good lord. At least I'll have some tips on how to deal with him in the future. And how to protect LO, as there's even books written for children of NPDs... who can put a lot of pressure on kids, and teach them to have NP as well. No way!

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