Finishing my advanced degree...out-of-state...any others?

TheLadyLindz · February 2014

So I was halfway through earning my masters degree when my husband FINALLY got his first professional job offer. Our only child was one year old at the time. We moved basically across the country for him to take this job. I started up here as a SAHM but eventually took an admin job just to help us pay down debt. I have been offered a teaching assistantship to return and finish my degree next academic year. No tuition plus a stipend. (transferring to a program where we are isn't feasible for me) Husband is excited for me. I am excited for me. But this guilt of leaving my 2yo.... He's at a great preschool and my husband rocks at parenting. I'll only be out of state during the few weeks when classes are in session...y'all know the university type schedule...breaks all over the place where I'll be able to go home. Just one year of this craziness and I'll have an M.A. But I still have that societal pressure to put ALL of my goals aside and become a mommy martyr. Maybe it is selfish, maybe its justifiably selfish. Weather its a right or wrong decision, I was wondering if there are any other people out there who have been involved in a family situation like this. The closest situation I could think of is military parents, but I don't know if that's wrong to compare my pursuit to military service. My husband moved here for his job months ahead of us (leaving me and the baby alone) and of course, no one batted an eye. But my own mother had been giving me some passive-aggressive comments that are obviously judgmental. Ugh. Thoughts, Bumpers?

djm31012 · February 2014

i personally would not and could not do it...and my husband wouldnt want me to anyway. that being said...if you definitely want to and are ok doing this...and your husband is full supportive...then thats all that matters. its your family and you need to make decisions that are right for you guys...no one else matters. the opinions are annoying, i know...but if this works for you guys then go for it!

TheLadyLindz · February 2014

Yeah, I get that the situation isn't great. And I get why most people wouldn't do it. I'm gonna miss my little munchkin so much! I even expect people to tell me I'm making the wrong decision (though I disagree). I guess most of my frustration lies in the double-standard. The hubs gets to take a job he wants that takes him away from us for months (which I supported) and all he ever got was congratulations. I go away for a few months for my professional development and suddenly, you know, its this THING.

jf198400 · February 2014

I could never do it. But my SIL spent a year traveling 50% of the time to London leaving her 1yr old at home with dad and a nanny. I could never do that either. But to each his own. I agree it is a double standard.

TheLadyLindz · February 2014

Yeah, I have the feeling I'll be a frequent flyer :-)

jlaOK · February 2014

The upside for doing it would have to be huge for me to be willing. How far away will you be? What are the pro's for your family after you finish the degree?

I'm not automatically opposed to it but my pro's side would have to be huge.

Lilly&Co · February 2014

I did this when my oldest was 4 and second was 2. I did a weekend intensive for one year for a masters degree. I left on Friday after they went to bed, drove up to Boston, had class Saturday and Sunday till 3 and drove home and was home at around 7 for dinner and kids bed time. It was a little different but am grateful to my parents and husband for making it happen.

TheLadyLindz · February 2014

wife07mom09 said:

Can you look into other options for schooling? I mean there are many schools you can do online. I'd make sure the money you are spending up front for school will have a direct payback. i.e., spend 50k to get a job making 100k.
If you are going to use loans and have difficulty finding a job when done or find a job making 50k when you incur 50 or more in loans. No way. I'd find another alternative.

I've been offered an assitantship at this particular school, with a stipend, so in addition to not paying tuition, I'll be getting paid. It's also a HUGE difference maker in my field as far as being competitive in the job market. Transferring to another program would mean losing most of the work I've done so far (grad school courses don't transfer like undergrad) and having to pay more. Just wanted to clarify that it's a really alluring offer I've been given. Without it, I probably won't be able to finish my degree at all.

TheLadyLindz · February 2014

Lilly&Co said:

I did this when my oldest was 4 and second was 2. I did a weekend intensive for one year for a masters degree. I left on Friday after they went to bed, drove up to Boston, had class Saturday and Sunday till 3 and drove home and was home at around 7 for dinner and kids bed time. It was a little different but am grateful to my parents and husband for making it happen.

Did you get any guilt-tripping from people? how did you respond?

rubber_chicken · February 2014

Wendy Davis did this for law school, and now she's running for gov of Texas. And you're right, people are giving her sh*t, saying she abandoned her kids. Total utter nonsense. It's SUCH a stupid double standard.

You're talking about a short term situation that will make all of your lives better in the future. Tuition-free school??? DO IT. DO IT DO IT DO IT.

Lilly&Co · February 2014

TheLadyLindz said:

Lilly&Co said:

I did this when my oldest was 4 and second was 2. I did a weekend intensive for one year for a masters degree. I left on Friday after they went to bed, drove up to Boston, had class Saturday and Sunday till 3 and drove home and was home at around 7 for dinner and kids bed time. It was a little different but am grateful to my parents and husband for making it happen.

Did you get any guilt-tripping from people? how did you respond?

As long as it was ok with my husband and I had his support, I did not care what others thought. He said if you don't do this I would regret it for ever. He was right I would have regretted it.

AllieMag24 · February 2014

I have no doubt it will be tough but if it seems right for you and your family, I think you should do it. It's time limited and it will improve your long term career prospects. I agree with PPs that I'd probably try to see my LO as often as possible (I would find it difficult go weeks in between visits) and ideally, I would try to take LO go with me and arrange child care there. But all in all, go with your gut on this one - it sounds like you're inclined to do it. As with most parenting decisions, you'll be facing judgments either way.

Sept07b2b · February 2014

It's a total double standard! There is no doubt about it. Just look at the PPs who have said they would take the kid with them and arrange for childcare where you are going. What would that mean for your DH? He would have to go the same length of time without seeing his child, yet that doesn't seem to matter as much.

I would have a really hard time doing this, but in fairness, I would have an equally hard time if my DH did this, and DH would have a really hard time being away from the kids for that long. With that said, I would never judge someone for doing it, and to each his own. I totally believe in if it works for you, then go for it and who am I to say otherwise. I really wouldn't worry about what other people say. It's for a short period of time and hopefully you'll be able to come back frequently.

How far away are we talking?

TheLadyLindz · February 2014

It's about a 15 hr drive. So i'd be flying in for the shorter breaks, driving in say for the winter break. Now that my resolve is a little stronger, it doesn't seem like such a dramatic situation. its for two 4-month periods, and each of those terms has at least a 1-week break in the middle and then there's weekend trips here and there...we're already used to doing Facteime on the iPhones (that's how we keep in touch with our families and also how we kept in touch when my husband was up here without us). It's looking more and more reasonable. But I'm the first person in my immediate family to graduate college OR leave our hometown, much less earn a master's, so my parents really don't know what to make of any of this.

shannm · February 2014

I hear you. It is crazy how people respond to women doing this as opposed to men. I went on a business trip for a week and people making comments about how hard it must be for me with a one year old at home. Not nasty comments but comments. It was weird because I doubt the issue would have ever been brought up had I been a man.

Anyway, I have a coworker who recently relocated for work and lived away from her three boys for about 4 months. It was hard but they got through it. She traveled back and forth as much as possible.

If your DH is supportive, go for it. It would never fly with my husband. Maybe if I took the LO with me he would be okay with it. He is just too dependent on me to feel comfortable about it.

laurakaz13 · February 2014

I am a medical officer in the U.S. military. Talk about a double standard. I work with mainly men, deploy a few times a year and travel occasionally for work as well. I am about to be promoted to a fairly high rank and it's amazing to me that I'm not receiving the congratulations (except from my parents) that my husband received when he reached an equally high level a few years ago.

I will never agree with the double standard where men are congratulated and women are chastised for achieving the same types of career goals. Do I miss my daughter when I travel? Of course! Do I enjoy my challenging, fulfilling job more than anything? Yes, I do!

You do what you want to do and CONGRATULATIONS on earning it! I will tell you my DD is the happiest, most well adjusted and loved little 2 yr old with two working parents ever!

iverske9 · February 2014

I would do it if it would better the family, and I could come home alot. As long as your husband is on board I say Congratualtions! It is better to do it now when little one won't remember and then you can just concentrate on your family and new career.

emberlee3 · February 2014

Think ahead 10 or 20 years. Will you regret not finishing your degree? If so, then do it. Embrace the adventure and make it work.

litzo27 · February 2014

It sounds like a great opportunity and as long as DH and you are on the same page then I would pursue it. Time will go by quickly, you LO will not remember you gone and you will not regret missing this unique opportunity and all the earnings potential that it sounds like it comes with. Work out a plan of offense for the time you are gone (personally if I were to leave for such a long period we would probably look into a "mother's helper" for DH a couple of nights a week simply because he is not as adept at the kid stuff. Also he doesn't cook much so we'd need to figure out a plan for that).
Worst come to worst, if you go away and absolutely positively hate it after a month or two you can always quit. But I would take that over giving the opportunity up without a shot.
And to the naysayers - ignore them. Only you and DH know what's right for your family: you don't need to justify your decisions or go into too many details. "This is a unique and very lucrative opportunity and we decided to go for it" should suffice.

TheLadyLindz · February 2014

Thank y'all so much for your responses, both the supportive and the critical (for making me really think things through). Like I said, I don't know too many people in my network who have ever come across a situation like this. And while I knew there HAD to be similar situations out there somewhere, it's a much higher level of reassurance to hear directly from women who have done it. My husband is actually in the Navy Reserves, and has been away for weeks at a time, and will be away for weeks at a time in the future (not at the same time I'm in school). He pointed out that the baby is fine when he's gone and when he comes back, and that I've been supportive of him following this goal, so he's telling me he absolutely supports me "taking a turn" as he puts it. He actually said if I start dragging my feet he will put me on the plane himself! We're both nerds, and have valued education our whole lives. I am particularly taking to heart the wonderful comment about accomplishing my goal to set an example for my son (and I thought, also my younger sister in law). I would regret not finishing, and now seems like a good TIME to finish it, even if the geographic logistics are a little vexing.

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Finishing my advanced degree...out-of-state...any others?

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