Ichabody update and question

ichamommy · February 2014

Hi ladies... Some of you are familiar with my story but long story short, my stbxh moved out on me prior to finding out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. We had been planning this pregnancy as well as the one we lost in Sept. I filed for divorce on Jan 10th after finding out that he had a gf.

So I'm doing so-so... Going through the grieving process and seeing a therapist weekly. I'm confident that by the time I deliver I will be fully past our relationship... However, that's where the questions start. I'm adamant about not continuing a relationship with someone who has hurt me so badly and yet I fear that the wound will be completely ripped open when I deliver and become a mother for the first time. This will be stbxh's first as well. I am not wild about the idea of letting him take our brand new baby outside of my house at first. I'm afraid it will rip me apart having him in my house to see the baby. I don't even know what to do here. He has trampled all over my heart etc and I don't even want a relationship with his mom, dad, brother or SIL because it's too painful to me and it feels very fake as if they are just maintaining contact with me so they can be a part of the baby's life. I don't want them anywhere near the hospital when I deliver but I'm afraid I won't be able to avoid it as an aunt on their side of the family is a NICU nurse and requested to be present for the delivery of my nephew.

I'm rambling. Can I just make stbxh not exist as well as all of his family? Wishful thinking.... And I can't even date or move on (as my stbxh so suddenly did) because I'm "knocked up" and not overly social anyway. (I met stbxh at work)

I'm rambling. Ugh.

katnipeverclean · February 2014

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this! Like a PP said, I would say hell no to the NICU nurse being there. Just because she's a nurse doesn't mean she just gets to be there. Make your wishes perfectly clear that no one outside of your docotor, family and the scheduled L&D nurses is allowed to be there.

purpleXdandelion · February 2014

Linzlu214 said:
I would say no to his aunt being at the birth. That's very presumptuous of her to even ask.

This!
So sorry you have to deal with these emotions and issues on top of usual pregnancy ups and downs. I suggest asking this on the single moms board as well, I bet they would have some good advice for you.

INmommy871278 · February 2014

I'm so glad you gave us an update, I was wondering how you are doing. Like PPs said I would let your OB know your wishes as delivery gets closer and once you are at the hospital let your personal nurse know that you do not want "Aunt" in the room for any reason during delivery. The nurses are your body guards in a sense while you are at the hospital. As far as dealing with STBXH and custody rights after the baby, speak with your legal counsel like pp said. Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going.

RoxanneA · February 2014

The only thing I can tell you is to get a lawyer asap. The baby is half his and therefore he has half the say. Take note of anything he does/doesn't do to help you in the future for filing for full custody if that's what you intend on doing. And be careful of anything you say/do so it doesn't come back to bite you in the butt. Sorry your going through this

cuntasaurusrex · February 2014

Yeah I was thinking the same.. I'd switch hospitals if I were you, and would also be irritated for people that aren't my immediate family to ask to see my vagina.

hupp0013 · February 2014

I would definitely say the aunt cannot be in the room. I just wanted to say I'm very sorry you are going through all of this. I wish you the best of luck with everything!

Ylvelill · February 2014

Your situation sucks

however much it sucks though it is still in the best interest of your baby to keep him and his family in your life. You might also find that they can become a support for you when the wounds have healed a bit. As others have said make sure your legal rights are in place but respect that he has some as well.

I wish you and your little one the best and will keep my fingers crossed that things work out as best they can.

tealowl · February 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this.

First, his aunt cannot request to be at your birth. Just...no. Please talk with your OB about it. There will be plenty of other nurses to assist you and your baby.

Secondly, does he WANT to be part of this childs life? If so, that is a GOOD thing. I know he hurt you and this was an awful thing for him to do, but its a positive thing if he wants to be a father. You both will have to put your emotions aside to raise a child.

You do need to talk to a lawyer and a pediatrician about custody with a newborn. He should have contact with his infant, but things like overnights and such might be difficult on an infant, especially if you are BF'ing. As the child gets older, custody can always be changed.

For instance when DD was younger, her Dad has every other weekend, but now that's she's older, we have a 50/50 split.

rattlecanqueen · February 2014

That sucks, but you can definitely control who is and isn't there in the delivery room. Hugs and prayers@ichabody!

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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BW1088 · February 2014

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

Regarding the aunt wanting to be in with you for delivery, I can speak from professional experience (I'm a RN). Not only is it your decision as to who is with you, (unless this hospital has very different policies) it's also very likely she couldn't legally assist with the birth anyway, due to "conflict of interest." At best, she'd be a "guest" and as already mentioned, you get to choose who is allowed.

Keep your chin up! We're thinking of you!

CONativeGal · February 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this!

pfeilele · February 2014

At our hospital, if you know any of the staff you can request someone else. YOU are the patient, so you have every right to say you don't want someone there.

I would distance yourself from your IL's right now if that would make you feel better, but once baby is here they are the child's family. From a girl who doesn't know her dad, it's great that they all want to be involved. I know it doesn't help how you feel, but as a mom, you'll want to do what's best for your child regardless of how it makes you feel. I don't really have any advice about this, but good luck. I can't imagine splitting custody of a newborn

Tough stuff.

JayBzo · February 2014

Thank you for the update - I was wondering about you! I am glad to hear all the things you are doing - you are so strong and it is wonderful to hear you are doing well even though this is a crazy hard thing to go through. Agree with PP about your wishes at delivery etc. I was thinking maybe you could arrange for him to be at your house but you not be there? I was thinking what I would want in this situation, and I am not sure, but I might entertain asking my mom or someone close to be there with him at first. Even if you went in your room and locked yourself away. You can't do this forever, but right away I can imagine it will be hard on you with a newborn and then having to re-hash some of these feelings. Maybe avoid it with some help of loved ones for awhile? On the other hand, it may be like a band aid: just rip it off, feel the pain, and try and deal with it - I am not sure. Sorry you are dealing with this sucky situation.

jensavicci · February 2014

I agree with everyone. I'm so sorry this is happening to you as it seems like things just keep piling and piling on top of the situation. You just stay strong! We're here for you.

hutsellwilson · February 2014

What a sucky situation, jeez.

I'm so sorry you're having to think about and sort out all these things during your pregnancy. I agree with PP's, don't be afraid to let your voice be heard! You're the one who's suporting this child right now, so I think you have every right to make your wishes known.

honeybee434 · February 2014

I agree with everyone above, definitely talk to lawyer about the visitation situation after birth while figuring your divorce. I've known people to have this written in the decree prior to the baby being born. I've also seen breast feeding making a big difference in the visitation schedule, etc, as the amount of time the baby is able to be away from the mother being much shorter during the breast feeding period. (If you were wanting to BF, otherwise nevermind on that end

).

As far as the hospital thing, I would check to see what the hospitals policy is, I can't imagine them allowing visitors that you don't allow into your room for any reason. I'm not sure how that is affected once the baby is born. I would think the father would have some say as it's his child as well, but if the baby is staying in your room, they may ultimately go with your patient rights first? No idea on that one.

cakebatter27 · February 2014

As far as the nurse I'm sure you call the shots. Right now I'd be sure to let the hospital and ob know that your SIL cannot be a nurse in your delivery. I'd use whatever excuse necessary. And if she does discuss a patient isn't that a HIPPA violation?

I'm curious because my boss had a scheduled c section and didn't want her MIL knowing who's a nurse at the hospital. So MIL looked it up, saw the time changed, and called my boss bitching. My boss reminded her of HIPPA and that was the end of that argument.

purplekuda · February 2014

You should be able to say who you don't want in the room. That's ridiculous. I wouldn't let any of his family. Good luck!

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