how do you handle your inlaws?

whse13kittens · February 2014

Please provide me with advice, preferably that which does not end up with me killing them and/or landing myself in jail.

I'll be the first to admit I'm sensitive normally and that pregnancy has doubled my touchiness. But I am so tired of feeling 5th or 6th best and like nothing I do is right, and highly tired of any time they can't see the kids or DH opts to skip a family event having it blamed on me. I have reached the end of my rope. Of course, DH's "advice" is to forget about it and ignore their comments. Easier said than done. Ugh. Help?

Kmbaybay · February 2014

No advice, feel your pain!

RedInLove · February 2014

Without knowing more details, I'd say you potentially have a DH problem. I say potentially because I don't know details here, this is my knee-jerk first thought up on reading your post.

So I would start with saying that DH needs to have your back in any decision made, whether it's you not wanting to go to the family BBQ or him not wanting to go. DH and I make those decisions together, so if one of us doesn't want to go and we therefore decide not to go, then it is 'we' that decline the invitation. We don't point fingers at each other, and we don't allow anyone else to do so either.

I'm a fairly outspoken, independent individual. I have struggled to stand up to MIL, mostly early on in our engagement/marriage. I've learned that I have to speak up for myself when it's just me and her; and that DH and I are always a united front otherwise. I also stand up for him when he's not there and she or BIL tries to talk any kind of shit. It doesn't happen often anymore, but we've had to set that tone at times. I do the same with my family, if they don't like what I'm doing, what DH is doing, or what we're doing together, I basically tell them to piss up a rope.

dogsombrero · February 2014

I'm so sorry your inlaws are awful. I'm of the mindset that the person blood related to the a-hole is in charge of dealing with said a-hole. It's probably time that YH sits his folks down and tells them it's bad for the family dynamic to play the blame game with his lovely wife and that any hint of it the conversation or visit is over. Then stick to it. I had to enact this rule with my fathers family over their pushing that I reconcile with him while he was a dangerous alcoholic that they enabled. It does help but only if you and YH are a united family front. I hope this helps. P.s. sorry about then on-paragraph jumble I'm mobile.

Cupcakes89 · February 2014

whse13kittens said:

Please provide me with advice, preferably that which does not end up with me killing them and/or landing myself in jail. I'll be the first to admit I'm sensitive normally and that pregnancy has doubled my touchiness. But I am so tired of feeling 5th or 6th best and like nothing I do is right, and highly tired of any time they can't see the kids or DH opts to skip a family event having it blamed on me. I have reached the end of my rope. Of course, DH's "advice" is to forget about it and ignore their comments. Easier said than done. Ugh. Help?

Hmm this sounds familiar!

In my situation ive got a really "mean" SIL. She has had the 3 out of the 4 grandkids in my husbands family and is a big attention grabber. So of course when I got pregnant she hasn't been so nice to me.. saying im selfish and junk like that. Anyways.. I did the ignore the comments for awhile but I finally snapped and just yelled back. Probably not the wisest thing to do but I felt so much better getting my frustration out then keeping it in any longer. It ended up making my MIL angry with me too (and i live with her) So i just tryed to get my point across and we now just talk only when we need too.

So ya.. talking about things (and even angrily) has been my best friend when it comes to my inlaws... Im sure they think im the bitch but thats ok haha

whse13kittens · February 2014

My biggest DH problem -- and I say this will all sorts of love and affection -- is that he is an AVOIDER. If he doesn't want to see them, he doesn't, and he could honestly and truely care less what they or anyone else think of him. If they want to address it to his face (or text/facebook) he'll address why he did not show, but otherwise, in his mind, they don't want to ask him so he owes them no explanation.

He has gotten much better about defending me when something is said to me/about me and he hears it, but it's usually because I ask him to say something. And I mostly just ask him to set the record straight. Honestly they're so decided that everything is "Kitten's fault" that him saying anything does little to correct it.

Case-in-point: we were friends before we started dating....best friends for about 6 months prior. Because of a fight with his father, DH moved out of the home he was renting on their property and into a one-bedroom apt near work. This also happens to be 40 miles from his sons and 30 miles from his parents. Two months after that, he and I began a (non-exclusive, at the time) dating relationship.

To this very day (almost 3 years later!) it is "Kitten's fault" that DH left his hometown, and "Kitten demanded" he move to her area and "Kitten won't allow" him to move back closer to the boys. Of course none of this is true, and his mother/sister/brother have all been told these things on multiple occasions, both separately and together. They continue to blame me though because they "never see DH anymore" and I am "keeping them apart". They've an open invitiation to visit any time they like but they refuse to use it and will only see him/the boys if they go to MIL's house (with or without me, though she prefers without).

Sorry this got so long. I'm just very frustrated!

TheLordsCanary · February 2014

My way of dealing with my in-laws is that I don't; my DH talks to them occasionally. I don't think I've talked to either of them almost since I got pregnant. But my DH understands and supports that.

Divine0chaos · February 2014

Feel your pain, DH will always vouche for me when he knows what I did wasn't wrong etc. However, dear mil still believes his son just "can't act like that". There was a huge blow out during Xmas and they haven't talked since nor have I to them. She finally decided to make a smart ass comment on Facebook and I found a way to restrict her. Not block, but she can't see or comment on anything I post unless she's tagged in it. Nor can she hope on my wall and say anything. I have just learned to not let it bother me but I don't forgive and forget either. If she ever wants to see her grandchildren again ill expect an apology. Your family is the most important on there is and who's opinion should only matter. Your family being your husband and children always remember that.

Chellbell20 · February 2014

DH needs to step up and let them know enough is enough. If they are as toxic as they sound, it may be worth considering not seeing them at all. You are now your own family and have to decide what is best for you, DH and LO.

My ILs, mainly MIL and one SIL, have always thought I was uppity even though I'm not and have made it clear they think I "took DH away," because they don't like sharing his time and don't like being cut off from the money he used to loan them all the time. During his last deployment things came to a head and they insulted me for the last time, I snapped and finally told them enough and DH followed suit, and then I didn't see them until the end of the deployment. When he came home we worked things out so everyone was at least speaking, but SIL started crap again and it's now been over a year since we had anything to do with her. She was trying her best to tear our marriage apart and was setting off DH's PTSD, and we agreed together that she wasn't someone we wanted around us, or our child.

Cupcakes89 · February 2014

WTF is wrong with (most) SILs... we all seem to have a bad one don't we?

But really I'd just suggest not letting the anger build up for too long.. tis my best advice.

Cupcakes89 · February 2014

Kimbus22 said:

Jenvadnais89 said:

WTF is wrong with (most) SILs... we all seem to have a bad one don't we?

But really I'd just suggest not letting the anger build up for too long.. tis my best advice.

I have two lovely SILs. One is a little opinionated but so am I. They're both very nice women who are good to my kid. But that seems to not be the norm...

I've got one nice SIL also. She isn't very social with me but she has always been so nice and helped my mom with my wedding shower ideas and what not.. I wish my other one would treat me better but hey whatcha gonna do.. =P

SNOakes · February 2014

Yeah DH needs to step up and take care of it. He needs to tell them when they are in the wrong and defend you when need be.

mrstengallonhat1 · February 2014

I don't deal with them at all. They are DH's parents and therefore his responsibility. We had quite a few struggles at the beginning, as my DH tends to be very forgiving when it comes to his parents' bad behavior. He really started stepping up once we got married, and it's made a world of difference in our relationship. It's all about establishing appropriate boundaries with them - and it is important that they know he will not allow them to treat you badly or speak to you a certain way. If they do, there should be real consequences.

dogsombrero · February 2014

Jenvadnais89 said:

Kimbus22 said:

Jenvadnais89 said:

WTF is wrong with (most) SILs... we all seem to have a bad one don't we?

But really I'd just suggest not letting the anger build up for too long.. tis my best advice.

I have two lovely SILs. One is a little opinionated but so am I. They're both very nice women who are good to my kid. But that seems to not be the norm...

I've got one nice SIL also. She isn't very social with me but she has always been so nice and helped my mom with my wedding shower ideas and what not.. I wish my other one would treat me better but hey whatcha gonna do.. =P

I love DHs sister she and I get along great his Brothers wife no thanks she's a real peach.

christieep · February 2014

TheLordsCanary said:

My way of dealing with my in-laws is that I don't; my DH talks to them occasionally.

Mine is mostly this. We avoid them as much as possible. My ILs treat me like a second class citizen or hired help. My MIL has done some things that have been hurtful to DH in the last few years so it has made it easier for both of us to have our space. They live 5 minutes away so it is is sometimes hard to come up with excuses, but I mostly just sit back and don't talk when we do have to see them. I think they prefer it that way.

Chellbell20 · February 2014

Jenvadnais89 said:

WTF is wrong with (most) SILs... we all seem to have a bad one don't we?

But really I'd just suggest not letting the anger build up for too long.. tis my best advice.

It seems there is often one. At least my other SIL is pretty great, way to emotional for me, but loves DD and sees us pretty often. In fact, she was the one who stood by me through everything during the deployment that her own mother and sister were putting me through.

typeset · February 2014

I walk softly and carry a big stick.

whse13kittens · February 2014

My SIL is great...when she's not around her mom. This rarely happens.

I think I am going to throw in the towel on my end. If they want to see DH and my stepkids and this new LO so often, as they claim, they'll have to start contacting him. If he wants them to see their grandparents, he can invite them places. I'm tired of being told I "control DH's schedule" when I'm often the one begging him to call his parents so the kids can spend some time with them. It's time they understood who really says "No we can't go."

Oi. Thanks for commisterating/letting me whine/reminding me that it's DH's family so it's DH's problem!

MamaLlama14 · February 2014

I skimmed; sounds like a problem for your husband. If he's the one making the choice to not see them and knows you're inadvertently getting blamed for it, especially after the moving away thing, he's got to be the one to stand up to them and set the record straight. I agree with him that he doesn't normally owe anyone an explanation when he declines an invite, but in this case I think he better start 'splaining if he wants to smooth the waters before they become unmanageable.

christieep · February 2014

whse13kittens said:

I think I am going to throw in the towel on my end. If they want to see DH and my stepkids and this new LO so often, as they claim, they'll have to start contacting him. If he wants them to see their grandparents, he can invite them places.

This is what DH and I ended up doing. They complain they never see DS, but they never call us to ask to come over or invite us over or invite us out somewhere. It was in my nature to invite them over just to be nice, but like I said above, MIL has done and said some hurtful things in the last two years that have made me stop.

lauralou3x3 · February 2014

I don't have advice because I got lucky and have the best in laws ever. But in the past have had shitty moms of my ex boyfriends so I do understand. It can be very hard! But hang in there!

NorthernGal248 · February 2014

My MIL ignores us most of the time, so we ignore her back.

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