Visitors while laboring, but not delivery

ndtrojan · February 2014

I know we've talked about others in the room during the delivery, and if we've discussed about others in the room only during labor, please excuse me. Here's my situation, and I could really use some advice.

All along I have planned to have just myself and DH in the room for both labor and delivery. I've informed my mom of the plan and she had no problem with it. I've talked about it with DH multiple times, and he told me we didn't need to discuss it with his parents as they wouldn't want to be in the room. Now they must have brought it up, and MIL told him I just don't know how hard and long labor is going to be, and I'll want visitors and supporters to "distract me". Apparently MIL had her entire family in the labor room and in the surgical rooms for her c-sections. Apparently they don't want to be in the room for the actual delivery, but don't understand why I want it to be just us for the labor. When I said I'm a private person and don't feel comfortable as I'll be on display/getting checked out, they kept saying I'll be covered up and they'll leave the room when the dr needs to check anything. I feel like I've lost the support of DH and his family has convinced him I'm a ftm with no clue.

Any advice? I mostly just need to convince DH I'm not being naive, though I know if I pull the "it's my body" card, he'll tell his family it's non negotiable. I just didn't know if there is any more evidence I can give to support that the labor, and not just the delivery, is a time that doesn't need to be shared with everyone.

inluv4life2 · February 2014

I had a strict "no visitors" stance during labor and delivery with my first kiddo and am so thankful! I had to make several decisions throughout the process and it would have been super awkward to have people there when I was discussing options with dr and DH. And the nurses were in my vag all the freaking time!

Labor is HARD, thus the name, and you have every right to have it be a personal/private experience.

SouthRNComfort · February 2014

THIS is exactly what was on my mind today. At first I said okay to a few close visitors being present during labor only (not delivery) but then I changed my mind. My MIL gives me anxiety even discussing labor (bc her only solution is "epidural ASAP") never mind being in the labor room. That would cause stress and I'm sure stalling of labor.

AKAP2010 · February 2014

I had visitors with DS even though I specifically said no visitors except who was suppose to be in the room! I get that people are excited but it's not social hour! I have explained to DH and everyone that I don't want any visitors during labor for real this time!!! I don't even feel like its needed for people to be in the waiting room for hours on end. We will call my parents (who will have DS) and his parents when I'm around 8 cm. depending on time of day they can come wait. Stick up for youself and put your foot down. If that doesn't work the nurses are like your own personal body guards they will not let anyone in who you don't want there! Good luck!

magentawarped · February 2014

My ILs were in the room for awhile during my first labor, and I eventually had DH kick them out because the sound of them talking made me want to kill them. They're good people, but labor is hard, painful, and no fun, so they weren't talking to me most of the time anyway. Your birth, your rules.

marriott09 · February 2014

I am a FTM too and I had a similar situation, I stuck to what I wanted though and I'm glad I did. My birth was enjoyable and it was nice to spend that time with H. I would just stick with your plan

gobbo1985 · February 2014

Just say no. This is your labour and birth. Not there's. my mom is the same way. She was in the room for both my nieces as my sister laboured and I will not have that. I have told everyone that they can only come to the hospital once the baby is born and we have moved to our post partum room. Plus I have said no visitors for at least an hour after the baby is born. This is a very special time between you and your DH. Don't get pressured into something you don't want. And plus just say the hospital doesn't allow anyone in te labour room besides DH and medical people. And make sure you tell your doctors and nurses you want no one there, just Incase they decide to show up.

RondackHiker · February 2014

No. No. No. No.

I'd tell my husband that I find it incredibly hurtful that she's dismissing my desires during labor as those of a "clueless first time mom" and that he seems to be supporting that. That is not okay. This is your body, your labor, your pain... You get to decide. There are plenty of other distractions than visitors and labor isn't always long and boring.

Is she going to dismiss other choices you make as a mom too? "You're a FTM. You don't know anything about XYZ. You're wrong." Will she try to override those parenting choices as well?

Tell your dh it is his job to support you and that is is absolutely wrong of his mom to try to pressure you into having visitors you don't want... And for him to go along with it.

LetoileDuNord · February 2014

I think your wishes should be respected and you shouldn't need stronger evidence. Your ILs will survive without participating in labor and need to stop being selfish jerkfaces.

slwprincess · February 2014

Hell no. Not even up for discussion. For moms that are fine with it, great. But if you aren't, then nope. DH needs to back you on this.

Phhurley · February 2014

With my First pregnancy I had nobody but my husband In the room during labor or delivery. I felt then and I feel this time around that it is an almost sacred time only to be shared between you two. Also as others have previously posted, you're tired, emotional and in pain. I generally don't allow many people to see me (if any besides my hubby) so vulnerable.

mandinkapants · February 2014

Absolutely not. I am putting my foot down in my own situation and if you are uncomfortable, you should too. I'm ok with some visitors during labor. Mostly my nana, not even really my mom, and my husband, obviously. This is a very personal experience. And most of all it is YOUR CHOICE.
I have been very explicit with the choices I have made for my delivery, and if my MIL doesn't want to understand, she can wait until we come home from the hospital to see him. And my husband and I have "gently" explained this by staying that it's uncomfortable and that times have changed to make this experience able to be more personal. I have also "lied" and said that we have also stated that we are only allowing necessary medical professionals during delivery itself. No students or observers should the chance arrive.
If this is something you feel strongly about, do not hesitate to put your foot down. As we all know, in laws always find that weak spot where we give in because they know how to push our buttons. This is your choice for your life and your baby. Make the right one for you. Regardless of how they feel now, eventually they will understand.

littlepig2 · February 2014

I would say absolutely not. once they're in the room, it's so easy for them to say "well we're already here.." or something about not looking/already doing this herself (MIL) and then not leave. I personally tell DH no freaking way. this was the plan the whole time and we're sticking to it. MIL may have done it differently but this is YOUR baby and YOUR delivery so it needs to be your way. stand up for yourself and don't cave!

BzeetyD · February 2014

Hopefully you'll do a lot of laboring at home, which most docs and hospitals recommend - so by time you get there things will be happening.

Remind your DH that no one is in control of how this goes down and you may not have time for visitors, besides all your other totally valid reasons.

Clearly MIL is excited and that's great. Perhaps if you can both recognize and acknowledge that ahead of time, and your DH can talk about your (collective "your" - he needs to be on your side in this situation) she'll back off and visit when you say it's OK.

tiggernorton04 · February 2014

With my DD, I ended up having some visitors before things got too intense! My parents, best friend and a quick visit from in laws and it was nice to have the visitors! However, it's totally YOUR call!!!

ndtrojan · February 2014

Thanks for all the input! I feel confident enough now to stick to my guns and go with my original plan...it's a lot easier to invite people in than kicking them out.

klutzygrl26, you're absolutely right, i totally gave the side-eye at the "everyone was in the room for the c-section". I can't imagine at what point that would have been allowed, either 30 years ago or 10 years ago.

RondackHiker,
I agree! I didn't even put two and two together until you said it. I don't want my decisions discounted just due to the fact I am a FTM.

oscarkat · February 2014

Say no. Tell him that you being a first time mom is a mute point. This is how you want your labor and delivery to happen, because this is how you feel you'll be most comfortable. If you want to try and shut up the in-laws, just say that you will be laboring this time around the way you believe you will be most comfortable. However, after the experience, you are willing to reconsider for subsequent pregnancies. Your future answer can just be that it went so well for you the first time around, you just want to follow the same procedure.

My experience - My first, DS, was born 4 weeks early at the hospital my mom worked at, in the middle of a flu epidemic so no visitors. She was in the room with DH and I because we thought it would be helpful to have her there, but honestly, she just drove me nuts, lol.

For DD, it was just DH and I, and it'll just be the two of us again this time around.

boogerbearoriginal · February 2014

With my first MIL really pushed hard to be in the room and I said nope, no way. I didn't even want my own mother in there. And TBH, my H probably could've left because I wanted to be left completely alone. My SIL had everyone and anyone in there and she was totally happy with that experience.

The point is - there is no "right" number or set of people and just because you've not given birth doesn't mean you don't know yourself and what you want. (And your MIL is full of shit that the whole family was present for a csection). Also, just because you're saying no visitors now doesn't mean you can't change your mind in the moment. But it's so situation dependent, I mean, if you're laboring overnight like so many women do you'll want to try and sleep not be chatting with MIL at 3a.

I'd tell H that as of right now, you'd like just him in the room and others can wait in the designated areas. If while in labor you're bored and looking for company they can always join you, and otherwise they'll be able to meet LO and visit once he/she arrives.

nebraska84 · February 2014

Tell her you want this is a special moment between you and DH.

gateship · February 2014

I agree with people, just say NO.

With that being said I know how hard it can be to do this. I went to L&D Saturday, convinced that it was time. My step-daughters were with us at the time even though I repeatedly told my husband they needed to stay with their moms. He kept telling me, if you are actually in labor then I will call my mom or sister (my MIL or SIL) to come pick them up but lets just wait. They ended up staying with us the whole time, kept telling my husband that he needed to call his mom to come pick them up so he could concentrate on me and so I could concentrate. That this one time I needed to be his number 1 priority. He kept putting it off. I ended up going home because I just wouldn't dilate anymore even after hours of walking. It probably wasn't time yet and probably was another false alarm BUT I think there is the possibility that if I hadn't felt so unsupported and self conscious things might have gone differently. I ended up telling my DH how pissed off I was and how unsupported I felt- which helped. Still the point of this story is You need to feel comfortable with how your labor goes. You don't need people making you feel self conscious or like you are doing things wrong. Or snickering when you are giving yourself pep talks. You and your DH need to focus on your labor and the coming baby. If you don't feel comfortable with others in the room- you need to flat out tell him and them. Some feathers might get ruffled but that is better you regretting or being bitter about anything that happens during your labor. Good luck I know how hard those conversations are to have!

ndtrojan · February 2014

gateship, so sorry that you had such a hard time. That is my exact fear. I hope your actual labor and delivery experience goes much more smoothly.

gateship · February 2014

Thanks @ndcarney! I think in the long run it will have turned out to be a good thing because I realized how I need to stand up for myself and the labor I want (or hope to have). I hope that your fears do not come to reality at all. You deserve to have a happy labor (or at least the kind of labor that you want).

RondackHiker · February 2014

@gateship

I'd make the call for a babysitter myself. Or hand him the phone and tell him to call NOW, and if he doesn't, take it back and call yourself. Tell him to say they need to come immediately, no delays. If he says it can wait, take the phone and say it's urgent.

Make it clear-- you want only him to be at the hospital, even if it's a possible false alarm.

SoulTermination · February 2014

Lurking from A14 here. All of these posts are making me want to make a sign for my L&D room door that says:

"Unless your name is:
(My mom's name)
(MIL's name)

(DH's name)

or you're a necessary medical professional...

STAY THE FUCK OUT!"

And when it comes down to the heat of the moment, I may not even want anyone but DH there. >.>

gateship · February 2014

@RondackHiker That is what I am planning to do next time if the girls are with us. However, as they are only with us every other weekend, and by the next time they are here I will have had LO be it naturally or by induction, we shouldn't have that problem again.

Still, I learned my lesson that I need to take charge of my own well being (be it emotional or physical) so that I can have the labor that I want. And not relay on my DH to understand or "get" what I need/want. It was a good lesson that I need to do that for the rest of life as well- not just in labor- because I have a little person who I will be totally responsible for and she, as well as my stepdaughters, should have someone set a good example of how to stand up for one's needs.

While it was a painful and rather humiliating experience, I am going to take it as a good thing and learn from it.

Thank you for your support and caring words.

Arangia · February 2014

Didn't read the other responses yet so sorry if this is a repeat.

I labored less than 2 hours after I was admitted and my water was broken. There is no way I would want my freaking mother in law in there. What the hell does she want?? Granted I had natural birth and was half naked walking around and in the shower at one point.

I have never understood how anyone in their right mind could ever think to be pushy about wanting in the room during labor and delivery. I would refuse visitors for at least five hours after delivery too! I was really lucky to deliver both of my babies at 1:30 in the morning so there were no visitors until around 9am anyway.

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