Do you have any children??(Sorry Long)

Mrodriguez898 · February 2014

I lost my Olivia when I went into labor at 20 weeks. She lived for two hours until her heart stopped beating.
About a week or two after I got home from the hospital, I filed my taxes and was asked the question "Do you have any children?"
I froze! And as my eyes filled up with tears I had to sadly answer no.
And it made me wonder, when someone asks me "Do you have any children?", will I always freeze How do I truly answer that? Because yes I have a daughter but no she is no longer alive.
How would you deal with the question?

jaztastic · February 2014

My heart breaks just reading this. While I dont have any children I know the loss and even after 2 yrs I still freeze when asked about children. I still have my moments when I wonder what they would be like (they would be 2 this May). I have 4 friends and we were all due within a 3 week window of each other. Seeing them is always a constant reminder. Time does help heal, but there will always be a scar. I pray for your comfort and peace.

veetveet · February 2014

I have one child.... and one I am preparing to lose. Is my daughter an only child? Do I have 2 children? I don't know how to answer these questions.... and it hurts.

Hugs to all of us. No one should have to endure this..... ever.

BrittianyM · February 2014

I always answer "yes, I do have a child". Its what helps me keep her memory alive. I have frozen a few times though.

MCH77 · February 2014

A few days after my D&E I went to get my hair cut and colored. I wanted to feel "pretty" or something. This was my first time out after losing him.

Anyway I told the hair dresser I had a hard week and was upset. So she was trying to be nice and asked if I had any kids. I lost it.

I'm not sure how I will answer in the future. I sure it will depend on the person.

This sucks.

Noethola · February 2014

***siggy warning***

It usually depends on the person asking, but I almost always answer yes. If they ask more questions I tell them my daughter was stillborn. They generally stop asking questions, but it all depends on who that person is.

If you decide to have more children, you will also be faced with the question "Is this your first?" and you will have to choose your answer for that as well. Again, I always say no this is not my first.

I want to acknowledge her life, because she was real. No one can change that fact. Some days it is easier to answer than others.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Olivia.

stefuge · February 2014

**DS mentioned**

I feel like, for me, it really depends on who is asking and how I am feeling that day. Some days, I don't feel up to having that conversation and I will say we have a three year old (DS). Other days, I'll say we have two boys and leave it at that. So far, I haven't had anyone push further but I have tried to imagine what I will say, in case. On forms, I put 2 children, 1 living, 1 in heaven. I know he matters no matter what I tell a random stranger. And those people who are in our lives know he existed and mattered as well. This is a hard question, and the hardest part is you can't really prepare for what you will say or how you will feel in the moment. ((Hugs))

shandorfml2 · February 2014

I normally say yes. I have no living children yet so it can be awkward but it hurts me to deny her

Xath · February 2014

*siggy warning*

It's amazing how something like a tax form can be a trigger. When I did my tax forms last year, I entered my daughter as a dependant (we had filed for her birth certificate and SSN after she was born; her loss was unexpected). This year, I dreaded going into my tax paperwork, knowing I'd need to remove her, but she was already gone. I forgot I had also entered her death date on last year's paperwork, so the software had automatically removed her. That hurt more than having to remove her myself, I think.

(Nitty gritty tax info)

I ended up doing a lot of research into infant loss and taxes after Eleanor passed. For your 2013 taxes, you would still claim 0 dependants, since your daughter had not been born prior to the new year. However, next year when you file your 2014 taxes, you will be eligible to claim her as a dependant on your tax forms, and should if you obtained any legal documents such as a birth certificate or SSN, per IRS publication 501. It's more easily found here, under D in the IRS Index.

VyD81 · February 2014

Hugs. I've told myself to always answer yes and he passed away. Most people will stop asking further questions and I find those that continue to ask do really care. At this point, I honestly don't really care how people will react, and I don't need to please everyone with my answer. It will always be the truth, I had a son and he passed away before birth.

Puka99 · February 2014

siggy warning

It really depends on where/who I'm with. At work, with customers, it depends on how well I know them. With strangers at like Target and stuff, I just smile and nod. I used to feel guilty as if I was doing a disservice to Lucas by not mentioning him but I realized that just because I don't vocalize him to everyone doesn't make him any less real or a person.

the other day I was at Target with my two living boys. The lady said to my oldest (he's 6.5 and my younger one is 2) "Look at how well behaved you two are for mom. Mom's lucky to have two boys." Alex says "no, mom has three boys. Us two and one in Heaven. His name is Lucas." The lady just looked at him like "OMG" and hurried us through. lol

Heatherhah · February 2014

I always answer honestly , I say I have a 20 yr old a 5 yr old a would be 2 yr old with wings that died and my rainbow. I include Sydney always!!! She was my baby even though she was still born she is and always will be my baby girl.

Mrodriguez898 · February 2014

gertiebarden said:
*siggy warning*

It's amazing how something like a tax form can be a trigger. When I did my tax forms last year, I entered my daughter as a dependant (we had filed for her birth certificate and SSN after she was born; her loss was unexpected). This year, I dreaded going into my tax paperwork, knowing I'd need to remove her, but she was already gone. I forgot I had also entered her death date on last year's paperwork, so the software had automatically removed her. That hurt more than having to remove her myself, I think.

(Nitty gritty tax info)
I ended up doing a lot of research into infant loss and taxes after Eleanor passed. For your 2013 taxes, you would still claim 0 dependants, since your daughter had not been born prior to the new year. However, next year when you file your 2014 taxes, you will be eligible to claim her as a dependant on your tax forms, and should if you obtained any legal documents such as a birth certificate or SSN, per IRS publication 501. It's more easily found here, under D in
the IRS Index.

This is great to know I really appreciate it.
Thanks to all for your input. Between my husband and I we say we are a mommy and daddy but I have bee avoiding the public so far but I will see how I answer when asked. Because I do have a daughter even if she is now an Angel in Heaven

PerkyErky · February 2014

***ticker warning***

For me it depends on who is asking and how I am feeling. I have a DS5 who I adopted, then Alice our angel and we are now expecting a little boy soon. People ask me quite frequently I we will try for a girl because they only see DS and know we are having another boy. Usually to this question I respond with "we have a daughter she died". I also when asked if this is my first pregnancy say "second pregnancy, third child". As time goes on it does get easier to answer the questions and freeze.

Hugs, it is a difficult road we travel. You will figure out what works best for you.

cawettig · February 2014

Heatherhah said:

I always answer honestly , I say I have a 20 yr old a 5 yr old a would be 2 yr old with wings that died and my rainbow. I include Sydney always!!! She was my baby even though she was still born she is and always will be my baby girl.

I feel the exact same way. I answer this way too

ikrystal · February 2014

I always say I have two sons. I know they are no longer with me, but for me to say I do not have sons would be denying that they existed. It would also be like saying that they do not have a mother. They were born, they lived, and Conner passed in my arms and Benjamin in my husband's arms. Whether they are here on earth or in heaven, they are my children.

But I do understand how some people hesitate when trying to answer this. When you say you have children, it opens up so many more questions, like "how old are they?" And then it may be awkward to explain what happened. But personally, I feel that the awkwardness doesn't matter - it is my sons that matter, and I won't pretend like they do not exist.

Maybe Joleisa · April 2014

Pulling up an old thread, because today I got asked this question on the elevator at work.

It was an "acquaintance" at work--not a dear friend--but we were on crutches together 5 years ago (happy wedding on crutches to me!) and she always asks me how my knee is doing. Well, after she asked me the question--I froze and said "not yet." She started talking and I actually cut her off and then explained that I have twin boys that I delivered in January, but they passed away soon after they were born.

Have I have gotten so good at pretending I am fine that I'm forgetting about my boys? I sure hope not, because they are on my mind all the time.

(She never did get to finish her story; poor thing will probably not ever ask that question to anyone ever again!)

erinel · April 2014

As others have said, I always answer yes, I have a son, although he passed away. I hate answering that question, but my therapist suggested having a short answer prepared, and say it strongly, and that should help prevent some discomfort or whatever in the conversation.

mingaling2 · April 2014

What @stefuge said.

TeamWinForever · May 2014

I have just recently started thinking about how I will answer this question when I go back to work at the end of the month. I'm a nurse, and it's not uncommon for patients to ask questions such as this over the course of the day. I feel strongly that I cannot and will not deny my daughter so when asked, I will probably reply that I have 2 daughters. I don't imagine that I will elaborate unless they ask further questions. But, I also feel that if you are comfortable enough to ask a person these questions, you should be comfortable enough to get an honest response. In other words, I will not deny my daughter just because I think it will make someone else uncomfortable.

I do like the idea of having a short answer prepared for this questions I that you're not caught completely off guard.

MrsLaurenandDan · May 2014

***DS mentioned***

For me it is how many children do you have. I was saying two, but since my m/c I'm not sure what to say. I'm considering saying "one living child."

stefuge · May 2014

It is a really hard question to answer, and no matter how many times I am asked, it still hurts and I cringe and stumble over my answer. ((Hugs)) ladies.

@chickinNH‌ - I am so sorry that was so hard, but Petey would be proud you spoke up for him. He is a part of you and your story, and if this woman is going to be in your life, she should know about him too. ((Hugs))

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