Oh MIL, times have changed (vent)

jwp325 · February 2014

So today we went over to MIL's house so DH could shovel he front walk and snow blow her driveway. She also never comes to us so if she wants to see the baby we need to go to here (she refuses to drive on the highway, gets lost easily, and cares for DH's grandmother so hard for her to leave the house). She was holding DD who fell asleep. Instead of giving her back to one of us, she took DD into the bedroom. When MIL came out, she didn't have the baby. DH asked where she was and MIL said she laid her in the middle of the bed.

I wasn't thrilled about that but gave it a couple minutes before I went to check on her. When I did, I saw that MIL had surrounded DD with pillows with no space between the pillows and baby. I was so upset and told DH. He wasn't happy either and told his mom that pillows and blankets are suffocation hazards since DD not old enough to adjust herself if she can't breathe. MIL said she wanted to DD to feel like she was still being held. DH told her that DD sleeps just fine on her own and doesn't need that nor is it safe.

She also got upset with us for trying to wake up DD. She slept pretty much all day which isn't her norm so we weren't sure if she'd sleep well tonight. We explained to MIL that sometimes she's up all night when she sleeps all day. MIL gave us the whole never wake a sleeping baby talk. DH told her fine, we'll let her sleep if you stay with us tonight and deal with your granddaughter between feedings if she's fussy. MIL stopped at that point.

MIL will take care of DD when I go back to work in the end of August and now I'm worried that she won't listen to us or follow the routine we hope to establish for DD by then. Things are so different from when we were kids so what she did with DH may not be the safest choice now. DH said it will be fine and we just have to write everything out for her. My mom suggested that I do a couple trial runs in the two weeks before I go back to work just to help me and DD adjust as well as to make sure things go well.

And yes we do have a pnp that MIL will use once she takes care of DD so no bed sleeping. I also know MIL means well, just not up to speed on today's baby business.

cnctf · February 2014

I'm Sorry your MIL acted that way and thought it would be ok to tell you what you should and shouldn't do with your child. A lot of times, they do mean well, but still it's frustrating nonetheless. I agree with your mom and think you should do a trial run. I actually think you should talk to your MIL before you even do the trial run, and let her know what your expectations and how you want DD to be taken care of.

Tylynngrace · February 2014

Sounds like my grandmother. It's great that you're doing a trial run, I hope it goes well and eases your mind. Good luck!

slmille4 · February 2014

That was my MIL. She had a conniption fit when she came to visit when LO was 2 days old and we wouldn't let her are her in the PNP on her stomach. And wouldn't let her cover LO with a blanket (she was already swaddled)

jwp325 · February 2014

@Arya808 she'll take care of DD everyday from 7:30-4:30. We can't really afford daycare and prefer family anyway. MIL initially didn't see the pillow thing as a big deal until DH kept explaining why it was a suffocation hazard. Down the road, I worry about MIL trying to give her solids ahead of schedule or feeding her too much in a bottle at a time. I have food allergies in my family so solids make me nervous.

We plan on being very clear about everything and will let her know that if she doesn't keep DD on her schedule or do things how we want, she won't be able to watch her. DH used this when he was talking to her yesterday and it seemed effective in the moment. The saving grace is she really wants to be able to watch DD (she didn't get to do that when stepdaughter was an infant because DH's ex wanted her in daycare, don't know why) and that DD will be almost eight months when I go back to work.

jwp325 · February 2014

@jessicabcairns, that's the problem exactly. DH and I are in our mid 30s but same situation applies. Stomach sleeping, blankets, etc were all ok then. My mom takes the stance of DD is our child so she'll do what we want. MIL hasn't been around DD much with the whole not driving to us and I haven't gone there much with the weather and my breastfeeding and pumping routine. I'm sure that doesn't help.

I'm sure it will all work once she's had it all explained to her. I appreciate everyone's support.

growingmybun · February 2014

If memory serves, you mentioned that you are in Chicago. If that's the case, New Mother New Baby in Northbrook has a Grandmas class. They have wine and the owner who is in her 50s talks about how childcare has changed. She said that the grandmas are generally receptive because she is their age. Hopefully an outside source could be helpful.

jwp325 · February 2014

@growingmybun, that is amazing news! Since MIL isn't a fan of driving and lives in Hoffman Estates, I would so be willing to pick her up and drive her there. What a genius idea for a class. Thank you!

angiek1 · February 2014

I would have a sit down with your MIL and let her know how you'd like your LO cared for. My mom and MIL both watch our children on nights that we go out. Setting guidelines in advance has really helped manage expectations. I think the trial runs are a great idea. Hope she listens to your requests!

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