Edited note

1stComesLove421 · February 2014

Clearly no matter what I say I'm still not welcomed here. I erased the original topic, because it was something I wanted to move past. Also I did not mean to flag a random post, it was suppose to be the quote button. If I could fix that I would. I think it's time for me to step away from this site for awhile, it's not worth stressing over.

Some of your opinions I honestly did value, and I appreciate them. I did not know there was an eco friendly board, maybe I'll have better luck with that one.

To clarify for vaccinations: I'm not 100% against them. I don't want to give my baby vaccinations, but when they become older depending on the vaccination I will be open to it. I'm choosing what I feel is best for MY baby, and I hope that you decide to do the same with yours.

I may stop by this board again from time to time, but at least for the rest of this week- I need a break.

aylafsu88 · February 2014

I understand that you are frustrated but coming to another board to complain about your board is just silly. I get frustrated when people come to this board assuming that because we want/had natural births that we do not believe in any modern medicine. Seriously, vaccines save lives.

Also get used to being judged as a parent constantly. It is par for the course.

wifeofadam · February 2014

Do you ever just get frustrated when it feels like everyone is judging your choices as a parent?

No, because the issue has never ever come up in real life apart from one completely sanctimonious mother who was actually anti-vax and was telling me I was a terrible mother for choosing a selective and delayed schedule. She said I shouldn't be doing them at all. (And the only reason it came up is because we saw each other right after my kid got a shot and I somehow mentioned that we had just been at the doc office).

We skip a few shots and only do one at a time. I won't go into it here, because it's not worth the drama. And I'd assume that the schedule my kids are on probably isn't cool with you either.

But my advice to you is to stop discussing these things with people IRL if it tends to leave you feeling judged and frustrated. It's no one's business but you and your doctor's.

Apart from these baby boards where people freely discuss these issues, I've never heard of mothers openly discussing things like vaccination or circumcision. A mother at the playground or a school group has never come up to me and asked if my kids were vaccinated before allowing their children to interact with mine. Perhaps it's the area of the country where I live, but these things just aren't as big of an issue as the bump seems to make them out to be. If people want to engage you in a conversation about these topics you need to just tell them that you either don't feel it's their business or try to change the subject.

ETA - Homebirth and homeschooling are two decisions we have made that have been very unpopular with people we know and that have left us feeling judged, but only because the decisions are obvious. With things like vaccination, no one would ever know.

1stComesLove421 · February 2014

I'm thinking about just leaving this site. I wasn't trying to cause "drama"- that's bs to assume I was. I came on here as a new mom hoping to connect with other moms. But it's been made clear- I don't belong on any of these boards.

Everyone else is allowed to vent and everyone is so supportive. Where's that motherly love everyone bragged about?

I live in a brand new state, know absolutely nobody and was excited to find the "natural birth" section of this site thinking I'd actually have something in common with all of you.

aylafsu88 · February 2014

I do not think you should leave the boards entirely. That was not my intention in responding to your post. My intention was to let you know that as a mom you will feel judged all the time. People will have an opinion if you BF or formula feed, if you cloth diaper or use disposable, if you make your own baby food or buy store bought, if you co-sleep or your LO sleeps in a crib. When you become a parent everyone has an opinion about something you do. You have to feel comfortable in your choices and your decisions because those are what matter. Like adamwife said do not discuss your choices with people IRL if you do not want to talk about it.

Unfortunately there are several hot topics (circumcision, free birth, vaccines etc) that people feel very passionate about. These topics generally lead to arguments or harsh words as both sides feel passionately one way or the other. If you have made your decision and you are comfortable with it then that is what matters.

pineconey · February 2014

You are being really defensive. Take a deep breath and try to understand that the other commenters are trying to give you objective advice. EVERYONE gets judged by how they parent, no one is exempt. The best advice I've heard is to do your research, be confident in your choices as a parent, and let the negativity roll off.

pineconey · February 2014

And deleting posts just because you don't like responses is NOT a good way to build relationships in this community...

1stComesLove421 · February 2014

aylafsu88 said:

I do not think you should leave the boards entirely. That was not my intention in responding to your post. My intention was to let you know that as a mom you will feel judged all the time. People will have an opinion if you BF or formula feed, if you cloth diaper or use disposable, if you make your own baby food or buy store bought, if you co-sleep or your LO sleeps in a crib. When you become a parent everyone has an opinion about something you do. You have to feel comfortable in your choices and your decisions because those are what matter. Like adamwife said do not discuss your choices with people IRL if you do not want to talk about it.

Unfortunately there are several hot topics (circumcision, free birth, vaccines etc) that people feel very passionate about. These topics generally lead to arguments or harsh words as both sides feel passionately one way or the other. If you have made your decision and you are comfortable with it then that is what matters.

I just don't like that an opinion was asked, and because mine was different

I was told to go to hell, that I'm murdering children, and they hope my baby dies.

How can I not get defensive about that? I understand my opinion was unpopular,

but wishing death upon me and my baby? That's downright bullying.

pineconey · February 2014

agapejessica said:
I'm thinking about just leaving this site. I wasn't trying to cause "drama"- that's bs to assume I was. I came on here as a new mom hoping to connect with other moms. But it's been made clear- I don't belong on any of these boards.

Everyone else is allowed to vent and everyone is so supportive. Where's that motherly love everyone bragged about?

I live in a brand new state, know absolutely nobody and was excited to find the "natural birth" section of this site thinking I'd actually have something in common with all of you.

(Since she already DD'd the main thread, thought I would salvage this...)

wifeofadam · February 2014

agapejessica said:

Edited note: I've emailed the bump in hopes that they will create a "crunchy moms" board, hoping that I'll have more luck finding moms I can relate to.

Even within a crunchy board, you're going to find moms you can't relate to on some issues. I'm on the pretty extreme side of the crunchy scale - we only consume raw dairy, we only buy local/pastured meat, we homebirth, we cloth diaper, we homeschool, we practice extended breastfeeding, we bedshare, my son and I are currently on month 4 of the GAPS diet, my children only wear natural fibers, we don't have chemicals in our home, I garden, we're in the process of building a green/concrete home and homestead where we will raise all of our own food and livestock.........like I said, I'm pretty crunchy. But that doesn't mean I don't vaccinate. I vaccinate for about 60% of the AAP schedule and break up all combo shots.

I still stand by what I said earlier - if you don't want to be judged then don't bring it up. Obviously, a message board is a different beast, but I assumed you were upset about judgment that happens IRL.

And FWIW, there is a crunchy board called "Eco-friendly families". Maybe mothering.com would be better though (but I bet even there you'll find crunchy moms that don't subscribe to 100% of your beliefs).

1stComesLove421 · February 2014

pineconey said:

I'm thinking about just leaving this site. I wasn't trying to cause "drama"- that's bs to assume I was. I came on here as a new mom hoping to connect with other moms. But it's been made clear- I don't belong on any of these boards.

Everyone else is allowed to vent and everyone is so supportive. Where's that motherly love everyone bragged about?

I live in a brand new state, know absolutely nobody and was excited to find the "natural birth" section of this site thinking I'd actually have something in common with all of you.
(Since she already DD'd the main thread, thought I would salvage this...)

And your point for doing that?

pineconey · February 2014

To make sure everyone sees how insane you are being.

We tried being nice, but I'm already bored with that.

First off, you don't flag posts because you dislike them.

Second, you don't talk trash about your BMB on other boards.

Third, not everyone is going to agree with everything you have to say, here or in life. Grow a pair and move one.

Rogue237 · February 2014

+adamwife+ said:

agapejessica said:

Edited note: I've emailed the bump in hopes that they will create a "crunchy moms" board, hoping that I'll have more luck finding moms I can relate to.

Even within a crunchy board, you're going to find moms you can't relate to on some issues. I'm on the pretty extreme side of the crunchy scale - we only consume raw dairy, we only buy local/pastured meat, we homebirth, we cloth diaper, we homeschool, we practice extended breastfeeding, we bedshare, my son and I are currently on month 4 of the GAPS diet, my children only wear natural fibers, we don't have chemicals in our home, I garden, we're in the process of building a green/concrete home and homestead where we will raise all of our own food and livestock.........like I said, I'm pretty crunchy. But that doesn't mean I don't vaccinate. I vaccinate for about 60% of the AAP schedule and break up all combo shots.

I still stand by what I said earlier - if you don't want to be judged then don't bring it up. Obviously, a message board is a different beast, but I assumed you were upset about judgment that happens IRL.

And FWIW, there is a crunchy board called "Eco-friendly families". Maybe mothering.com would be better though (but I bet even there you'll find crunchy moms that don't subscribe to 100% of your beliefs).

This. We're all special snowflakes. I am doing natural child birth, cloth diapering, BFing, eventually making my own organic baby food, but I'm vaccinating. Obviously saying you hope someone's baby dies is never OK (though I can't really imagine that anyone said that), but it will be impossible to find a board with only people that share all of your opinions.

1stComesLove421 · February 2014

pineconey said:

To make sure everyone sees how insane you are being. We tried being nice, but I'm already bored with that. First off, you don't flag posts because you dislike them. Second, you don't talk trash about your BMB on other boards. Third, not everyone is going to agree with everything you have to say, here or in life. Grow a pair and move one.

#1 I did not purposely flag you, why would I flag such a random post? I went to click the quote button. #2 They're trying to be nice, you have not. #3 It's hard to move on when you keep pushing it.

and bonus #4 It's called a vent, I see others do it. Why get pissed at me for having my one and only vent?

I'm not talking about this anymore. Let it die, so we can all move on.

pineconey · February 2014

Girl. YOU started this thread. YOU asked for input. Don't EVEN pretend that this is all on me.

cashews29 · February 2014

agapejessica said:

aylafsu88 said:

I do not think you should leave the boards entirely. That was not my intention in responding to your post. My intention was to let you know that as a mom you will feel judged all the time. People will have an opinion if you BF or formula feed, if you cloth diaper or use disposable, if you make your own baby food or buy store bought, if you co-sleep or your LO sleeps in a crib. When you become a parent everyone has an opinion about something you do. You have to feel comfortable in your choices and your decisions because those are what matter. Like adamwife said do not discuss your choices with people IRL if you do not want to talk about it.

Unfortunately there are several hot topics (circumcision, free birth, vaccines etc) that people feel very passionate about. These topics generally lead to arguments or harsh words as both sides feel passionately one way or the other. If you have made your decision and you are comfortable with it then that is what matters.

I just don't like that an opinion was asked, and because mine was different
I was told to go to hell, that I'm murdering children, and they hope my baby dies.
How can I not get defensive about that? I understand my opinion was unpopular,
but wishing death upon me and my baby? That's downright bullying.

No one wished death upon you or your baby. That's downright lying.

ETA: I wish I could have seen the OP.

rockyrollgirl · February 2014

agapejessica said:

aylafsu88 said:

I do not think you should leave the boards entirely. That was not my intention in responding to your post. My intention was to let you know that as a mom you will feel judged all the time. People will have an opinion if you BF or formula feed, if you cloth diaper or use disposable, if you make your own baby food or buy store bought, if you co-sleep or your LO sleeps in a crib. When you become a parent everyone has an opinion about something you do. You have to feel comfortable in your choices and your decisions because those are what matter. Like adamwife said do not discuss your choices with people IRL if you do not want to talk about it.

Unfortunately there are several hot topics (circumcision, free birth, vaccines etc) that people feel very passionate about. These topics generally lead to arguments or harsh words as both sides feel passionately one way or the other. If you have made your decision and you are comfortable with it then that is what matters.

I just don't like that an opinion was asked, and because mine was different
I was told to go to hell, that I'm murdering children, and they hope my baby dies.
How can I not get defensive about that? I understand my opinion was unpopular,
but wishing death upon me and my baby? That's downright bullying.

Yeah none of us said that.

aylafsu88 · February 2014

agapejessica said:

aylafsu88 said:

I do not think you should leave the boards entirely. That was not my intention in responding to your post. My intention was to let you know that as a mom you will feel judged all the time. People will have an opinion if you BF or formula feed, if you cloth diaper or use disposable, if you make your own baby food or buy store bought, if you co-sleep or your LO sleeps in a crib. When you become a parent everyone has an opinion about something you do. You have to feel comfortable in your choices and your decisions because those are what matter. Like adamwife said do not discuss your choices with people IRL if you do not want to talk about it.

Unfortunately there are several hot topics (circumcision, free birth, vaccines etc) that people feel very passionate about. These topics generally lead to arguments or harsh words as both sides feel passionately one way or the other. If you have made your decision and you are comfortable with it then that is what matters.

I just don't like that an opinion was asked, and because mine was different
I was told to go to hell, that I'm murdering children, and they hope my baby dies.
How can I not get defensive about that? I understand my opinion was unpopular,
but wishing death upon me and my baby? That's downright bullying.

I scrolled through some of the post on your BMB and here. No one said your baby should die or wished bad things upon you. No one told you to go to hell. No one told you that you are murdering children. People did point out that the facts/information you were using to back up your choice is inaccurate and not true.

I most certainly never wished death on your or your baby. I did say vaccines save lives because they do.

pineconey · February 2014

agapejessica said:
Clearly no matter what I say I'm still not welcomed here. I erased the original topic, because it was something I wanted to move past. Also I did not mean to flag a random post, it was suppose to be the quote button. If I could fix that I would. I think it's time for me to step away from this site for awhile, it's not worth stressing over.

Some of your opinions I honestly did value, and I appreciate them. I did not know there was an eco friendly board, maybe I'll have better luck with that one.

To clarify for vaccinations: I'm not 100% against them. I don't want to give my baby vaccinations, but when they become older depending on the vaccination I will be open to it. I'm choosing what I feel is best for MY baby, and I hope that you decide to do the same with yours.

I may stop by this board again from time to time, but at least for the rest of this week- I need a break.

Don't come back.

wifeofadam · February 2014

I actually hope you do come back. These boards are a wonderful source of information. I enjoy reading about people's opinions and parenting choices, even when they disagree with my own, because I feel like it not only helps me solidify and have confidence in my own choices, but I also feel like it makes me a more understanding person in general.

Believe me, I've been flamed a million times before on these boards for unpopular opinions. I've left boards because I felt unwelcome too. But don't discount an entire board of people simply because a select few have offended you. There are plenty of awesome moms on these boards that will support you, even if they don't always agree with you.

I hope that I didn't make you feel like I was wishing death on you or your baby or any of those other things you mentioned. I was simply saying that as someone whose lifestyle is pretty controversial and unpopular, I've learned that it's best not to bring parenting decisions up with people if I don't want to feel judged. If you're not talking about real life and just venting about these boards, that's a different thing. I guess you still shouldn't bring it up if you don't want to hear it, because the anonymity of the internet makes people much more candid (something which I like because it helps me understand the things people in real life think but are too polite to say). I would also say that you should stay around if you are bothered by the debate here, if for no other reason than how it helps you grow a thicker skin and become a more confident mother in your real life. That has been the case for me.

Good luck to you and God bless. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about the choices you make for your children when you have nothing but your child's best interest at heart and are being led by Truth.

ETA - It's always a good idea to step away when you're taking anonymous attacks personally. Enjoy your break!

sschwege · February 2014

I'm coming late to this, but by reading the responses have a generally sense of what this post was about.

OP: As you walk down the journey of parenthood you will find everyone has an opinion. Some will be valuable, some will not, some will be welcome, some will not, but one thing is for sure everyone has an opinion! The reason a vaccine post always explodes is because, a) everyone has an opinion b) it is one of the few parenting choices where everyone should have an opinion. We all have stakes in this! If a parent decides to use a TV as an around the clock babysitter or feed their child Twinkies morning, noon, and night it would be, in my opinion a poor parenting choice. But at the end of the day it doesn't really affect me or my family, so I shrug my shoulders and move on. When a parent chooses not to vaccinate that becomes my problem, it's everyone's problem. I want to be able to take my child to the doctor and not worry the child sitting next to my newborn isn't sick with the Measles (which happened back in 2008, four children were infected at a doctor's office by a 7 year old who was not vaccinated and sick with Measles). This is where the lines blur as to when it stops being solely the responsibility as a parent and more of a responsibility to society as a whole.

You say you don't want to give your child vaccines, well nobody does. I doubt there's one person on here that looks forward to hearing their child cry or doesn't fear that their child may be that extremely rare case that has an adverse reaction to it. It is scary, but you know what's even scarier? The diseases themselves. We are lucky that we don't have to see people crippled by polio or bury our babies when they contract smallpox. But you know what, I take that back it's not 'luck', it's modern science. We don't routinely vaccinate against smallpox anymore, why? Because vaccines work.

aylafsu88 · February 2014

cashews29 said:

agapejessica said:

aylafsu88 said:

I do not think you should leave the boards entirely. That was not my intention in responding to your post. My intention was to let you know that as a mom you will feel judged all the time. People will have an opinion if you BF or formula feed, if you cloth diaper or use disposable, if you make your own baby food or buy store bought, if you co-sleep or your LO sleeps in a crib. When you become a parent everyone has an opinion about something you do. You have to feel comfortable in your choices and your decisions because those are what matter. Like adamwife said do not discuss your choices with people IRL if you do not want to talk about it.

Unfortunately there are several hot topics (circumcision, free birth, vaccines etc) that people feel very passionate about. These topics generally lead to arguments or harsh words as both sides feel passionately one way or the other. If you have made your decision and you are comfortable with it then that is what matters.

I just don't like that an opinion was asked, and because mine was different
I was told to go to hell, that I'm murdering children, and they hope my baby dies.
How can I not get defensive about that? I understand my opinion was unpopular,
but wishing death upon me and my baby? That's downright bullying.

No one wished death upon you or your baby. That's downright lying.

ETA: I wish I could have seen the OP.

@cashews29 The original post was not very exciting. Apparently on her BMB they had a vaccine post and basically everyone was for vaccination. She said that she had a reaction to a vaccine when she was a baby and was hospitalized. Her doctor told her at 12 years old that she should not get any more vaccines. Some of the info she used for why she was not vaccinating was not really legit and her BMB called it. She got upset and came here to complain about her BMB and that no one was respecting her choices as a parent. She only wanted anti-vax people to respond to her post.

Serenla · February 2014

agapejessica said:

pineconey said:

To make sure everyone sees how insane you are being.

We tried being nice, but I'm already bored with that.

First off, you don't flag posts because you dislike them.

Second, you don't talk trash about your BMB on other boards.

Third, not everyone is going to agree with everything you have to say, here or in life. Grow a pair and move one.

#1 I did not purposely flag you, why would I flag such a random post? I went to click the quote button. #2 They're trying to be nice, you have not. #3 It's hard to move on when you keep pushing it.

and bonus #4 It's called a vent, I see others do it. Why get pissed at me for having my one and only vent?

I'm not talking about this anymore. Let it die, so we can all move on.

So unflag her.

cashews29 · February 2014

aylafsu88 said:

cashews29 said:

agapejessica said:

aylafsu88 said:

I do not think you should leave the boards entirely. That was not my intention in responding to your post. My intention was to let you know that as a mom you will feel judged all the time. People will have an opinion if you BF or formula feed, if you cloth diaper or use disposable, if you make your own baby food or buy store bought, if you co-sleep or your LO sleeps in a crib. When you become a parent everyone has an opinion about something you do. You have to feel comfortable in your choices and your decisions because those are what matter. Like adamwife said do not discuss your choices with people IRL if you do not want to talk about it.

Unfortunately there are several hot topics (circumcision, free birth, vaccines etc) that people feel very passionate about. These topics generally lead to arguments or harsh words as both sides feel passionately one way or the other. If you have made your decision and you are comfortable with it then that is what matters.

I just don't like that an opinion was asked, and because mine was different
I was told to go to hell, that I'm murdering children, and they hope my baby dies.
How can I not get defensive about that? I understand my opinion was unpopular,
but wishing death upon me and my baby? That's downright bullying.

No one wished death upon you or your baby. That's downright lying.

ETA: I wish I could have seen the OP.

@cashews29 The original post was not very exciting. Apparently on her BMB they had a vaccine post and basically everyone was for vaccination. She said that she had a reaction to a vaccine when she was a baby and was hospitalized. Her doctor told her at 12 years old that she should not get any more vaccines. Some of the info she used for why she was not vaccinating was not really legit and her BMB called it. She got upset and came here to complain about her BMB and that no one was respecting her choices as a parent. She only wanted anti-vax people to respond to her post.

That's dissapointing. I was kinda hoping she came in here guns blazing and cursing the BMB all to heaven. With table flipping.

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