Community› The Bump Month Clubs› March 2014 Moms
March 2014 Moms
New Discussion

Ladies who have suffered a loss...

clo1982clo1982 member
in March 2014 Moms
I hope you don't find this post insensitive as it definitely isn't my intention. I am sure it's not something you want to think about but I was hoping you could shed some light on something for me. A good friend of mine found out she was pregnant at the same time I did, but unfortunately lost her baby at 14 weeks. We talked shortly after and I told her I was so reluctant to even bring up my pregnancy (I had not told her at that point..but found out my sister, who is her SIL, told her) , because I didn't want it to be painful for her and I totally understood that she would have a hard time being excited. But I did want her to hear it from me, as opposed to seeing it on FB or hearing it through mutual friends, etc. She said she really appreciated me telling her but that, yeah it was tough to hear. Since that point I have tried to avoid talking about my pregnancy in any way because I don't want it to be painful for her to think about how she would have pretty much been at the same point I am right now if she had not suffered a loss. She brings up my pregnancy and asks all sorts of normal questions every time though. I guess I'm just not sure how to handle it and don't want her to feel as though she 'has' to talk to me about it. Am I being overly sensitive on this? I also don't want her to think I no longer want to talk to her about any of this stuff...she has 2 kids and was a great 'resource' for me during my first pregnancy as she had kind of been there done that and we have a lot of the same philosophies on raising kids, how we feel when pregnant, etc. I don't want her to think I'm pulling away from her...but I also don't want to be all pregnancy,pregnancy, pregnancy! If that makes any sense! Should I just stop overthinking this and talk to her as if nothing happened so she doesn't think I'm a big weirdo?
I<img [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a1d2b.aspx[/img][/url]
Report Reply to Post

Re: Ladies who have suffered a loss...

  • Loading the player...
  • VanessaBeeVanessaBee member
    edited February 2014
    I lost for the first time right as one of my closest friends was giving birth (literally, we were in the hospital at the same time). I was pretty good about taking care of my needs - sometimes it would feel really good to be around her and Baby and sometimes it wouldn't. I would just do and talk about as much as I could, but if I needed to stay away for bit, I would do that too. She was really respectful of letting me do what I needed to do, which was amazing and wonderful of her!

    I think it's all about trying to balance - if your friend is bringing up pregnancy and Baby, talk about it for a few minutes and then switch to another topic. That way she knows you're not uncomfortable talking to her about it, but you're happy to talk about other things as well.

    And if she seems a little scarce when you're giving or have just given birth, let her have that space and don't take it personally. I am sure she's excited and happy for you, even if she needs a little space to grieve for herself.
    Report Reply
  • NoelleZakoNoelleZako member
    What pp said if she intiates the talk then don't feel guilty. I'm sure she also doesn't want to take away from your excitement as much as you don't want to cause her more sorrow. I had difficulty being happy in early December because my first pregnancy should've brought me my first baby. I don't think I will ever be over it but I have learned to live with it and be greatful for what I have now. Things happen for a reason and all you can do is pray for her and her family. Continue to remain sensitive towards her based on her social cues. Hope you two remain good friends.
    BabyName Ticker}
    Report Reply
  • WoodShopGirlWoodShopGirl member
    I had an early loss (8 weeks) and I can tell you that I had others who found out they were expecting at around the same time.  It was difficult for me when it was fresh, and like a PP said I did distance myself from some of the situations when it was still new.  However, I found that I was able to separate myself when I needed to and then I could be involved when I was up for it.

    If your friend is initiating the conversations, I would say that you are free to talk to her about anything you need.

    That being said, I would also have an honest conversation with your friend.  Tell her you want to celebrate with her, but understand if at times she cannot.  Tell her to please let you know if she is uncomfortable or unable to talk at that time.  Just this conversation from you will be appreciated.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Report Reply
  • clo1982clo1982 member
    OK thanks ladies. I am worried about seeming too forward with info as I don't want it to be like I'm blowing off what she went through...but I also don't want her to think I'm not comfortable talking to her about what is going on in my life either. And mostly, I don't want her to feel obligated to be all excited/happy/gushy if that isn't how she is really feeling.
    I<img [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a1d2b.aspx[/img][/url]
    Report Reply
  • angelsnightangelsnight member

    I think you're doing a good job.  I would keep not bringing it up as you have been, but as long as she does you can respond to her questions, comments, etc.  After each of my losses, I would not have wanted to talk pregnancy with another pregnant woman I was close to, but my best friend was another story.  My losses devestated me, but that did not make me stop caring about her.

    With my first loss, she was about 7 months pregnant herself...she didn't slam me with pregnancy talk, but I did talk to her about it because like I said, I cared about her and her pregnancy and I knew she would use discretion.  With my second loss, her two kids were already here, but seeing them and playing with them actually put me in a good mood and helped me forget my pain for a little bit.  Like I said, it all depends on the relationship.  She is my best friend and has been there for me through thick and thin, so it was easy with her.  But I definitely couldn't have initiated that much conversation with just any pregnant woman. 

    Also, just wanted to say, thanks for being such a good friend to her and being sensitive to her pain.  Big kudos to you!

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

    image

    Report Reply
  • erind0213erind0213 member
    I think it varies by person honestly.

    When I was pregnant with DD, a close friend also became pregnant with her 3rd and 4th child (twins) and lost them both by 12 weeks. Although she already had 2 children, she chosoe to brush me off and wanted nothing to do with me or my pregnancy. Didn't participate in my baby shower, no congrats when DD was born nothing.

    This pregnancy, DH's cousin had an ectopic pregnancy at 8 weeks, which was terrible. They had to remove her tube, and it was rough, esp. since she had gotten pregnant on her own, after a successful IV. She has been very interested in how I am doing and asking about my pregnancy and is super excited for me.

    I am not saying loss is easy, or that all should be like DH's cousin, but it seems to be on a person to person basis.
    imageimageimage
    BabyFruit Ticker

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Anniversary
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"