How to respond when people ask if pregnancy was planned?

AR1of2 · February 2014

My H and I are anticipating that we will be asked by many people whether our pregnancy was planned. (It was unplanned, if you couldn't tell!) I don't want the fact that our baby was unplanned to be an overarching theme...like it somehow detracts from our love and desire for him/her now that the baby is coming. Know what I mean?? Our close friends and family will know this wasn't in our plan for the immediate future, but in case other people ask this, do you have any clever ways to deflect the question?

Usually I am open about things, but this feels private. I don't think everyone needs to know the details! I guess I should add that we think we will be asked this because we have not been married all that long and I juuust got started in my career in 2013 after lots of school. Maybe this is a silly concern, but what thoughts do you have on it? I'd prefer kind (not snarky) ways to deflect the question...

JSS1002 · February 2014

Nobody needs to know the details and you are under no obligation to be truthful about your personal life/ choices. I can't believe people are so rude to ask that question (though I anticipate I will get it too, since I have a 10 month old at home). I would just say "Absolutely!" and change the subject.

Squiddly · February 2014

Honestly, I would probably be snarky. But at the very least, you should tell them it's none of their business. I wouldn't even answer the question at all because it's so far beyond rude to ask.

kayemgi · February 2014

Yeah, if I was in a good mood I'd probably just lie and say yes, the baby was planned and change the subject. If I was in a bad mood I'd probably still lie and say yes, and then say, not that it's any of your business. Rude indeed.

AnyMax · February 2014

If they would be rude enough to ask such a question, I would be just as rude back.

TBarker925 · February 2014

Tell people that you weren't trying, but you weren't NOT trying. You knew having a family was in your future and wanted to have them sooner than later. Don't let what other people think bother you. Be glad for a healthy pregnancy.

Bonnesetter27 · February 2014

You could say something like We always wanted children! No need to tell them when you wanted them.

beck12803 · February 2014

I get this with how close my three are/will be in age. I always say, "well, we know how babies are made so we obviously weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy". That usually ends that part of the conversation. :-)

MrsLaLaBug · February 2014

your answer should most obviously be.... "IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. Have a nice day!"

AR1of2 · February 2014

Lol @MrsLaLaBug

brachysira · February 2014

I would be surprised if people ask that, although my mother did (ours was). But you certainly don't have to tell them. You could say, "who asks that?" "are you kidding?" You could say, "we let God decide" which is better if you're not actually someone who would. You could say, "well, we just hate condoms." or "You can plan pregnancy?" You could not answer. "Of course we want this little miracle."

caden1206 · February 2014

My SO and I deal have encountered this because we are not married. Our daughter was definitely planned, just getting married isn't a priority right now. Anyways, we just told people if they asked the truth. Fortunately, other than our parents, nobody really asked. Since your baby was not planned, I think I would avoid a detailed explanation and just explained your baby is a welcomed surprise. Really it isn't anyone's business.

BetsyDavis · February 2014

What @mrslalabug said.

adoxyinherear · February 2014

Our wasn't exactly planned, either. I'm planning to just lie, honestly. Because mostly, it's not anybody's business, and I think you're right, people feel like they can have a different attitude about it if you say it wasn't planned. If you'd rather be honest but positive, you could just say something like it was a happy accident?

Ashleyrfiles · February 2014

I think it is very rude to assume any baby is not planned. DH an I started trying before we even got engaged. It just happened to take us until after our 1 year anniversary to get our BFP. We didn't think a piece of paper and a couple rings would make a difference to a baby!

Stasi · February 2014

I was married for 4 years and pretty open about wanting and family and people still asked ME if our first was planned. It's inevitable. People are curious. I would just say something like PPs have said like, "we always wanted kids" or something along those lines. I think being rude could just make people think you are overreacting (even though it's totally not an appropriate question to ask).

ve304856 · February 2014

I would just say something like God has a plan for this child and obviously wanted us to have him/her

nyg2042 · February 2014

I can't believe people are rude enough to actually ask this. I would probably say something like, well apparently I was having unprotected sex with my H...you do the math.

JenniferAnn1972 · February 2014

My immediate response would be, "that's an odd question". I guess I'd better brace myself. I'm sure that as a 41 y/o FTM I'll be getting some doozies!

alieelyse · February 2014

Our first wasn't planned but we weren't upset about getting pregnant, just excited. There literally was only ONE time that it could have happened so I just would always jokingly say "well, that time we weren't not trying" the double negative worked for me lol.

SingleMom31 · February 2014

Our DD wasn't planned. We got a lot of inappropriate questions due to the circumstances (we hadn't been dating that long, so we got a lot of "Are you going to keep her?" type questions). I'm not sure what to except this time honestly, since we are married and DD is a bit over a year old. I'm guessing mostly stuff related to two in diapers, etc. In either case, my standard line was, "Even though we weren't planning for her, she's very much wanted." It usually shut people up pretty quickly.

an02102 · February 2014

I always responded the ds was a great surprise.

mrsdanielleM2010 · February 2014

This is right up there with "are you pregnant" as a top inappropriate question.

LTMama · February 2014

One person asked me that when I was pregnant with DD. I think my response was something like, wow that's awfully personal!

I feel like that question is prying into your sex life, which is no one's business. I wouldn't answer. If you want a polite deflection, maybe you could say that's a very personal question and not something you feel comfortable discussing? Otherwise, I'd just say it's none of your business!

epaprn · February 2014

That is a personal question and if it were me, I would say exactly that 'that is an awfully personal and private question' and leave it at that. I wouldn't even try to be nice about it . DH and I have been married almost 8 years, 6 of those child free by choice and I'm sure I will be asked that question, along with the infertility question. Also, I cannot WAIT until someone asks me if I'm pg. I have a whole arsenal of bitchiness to use on them.

ashaw512 · February 2014

My h and I were asked that with our first, we planned it, kinda, but no one else knew like family. We kept that detail to ourselves. But when ppl asked me I simply said I'm blessed to be a mother and to have a baby is a blessing from god, it doesn't matter if it was planned or not BC my baby will be loved and cared for the best way I can. Its amazing how some ppl can be so rude but when I told ppl that they were dumbfounded and quickly changed their attitudes.

Hward1015 · February 2014

My Mother asked me if this pregnancy was planned and I felt like slapping her. I am sure SO's Mother asked him the same thing, but stuff like that doesn't bother him.

It is absolutely no one's business if the pregnancy was planned or not, IMO. If it is information that you are comfortable with providing up front, that is one thing. I think a lot of people do not realize how sensitive the question can be.

andreamarnold · February 2014

I think keeping it light and say "It was a happy surprise and we've always wanted a family..." is the way to go. It is a rude question, but don't give it much attention. As you will come to find out, people do and say many rude things while you're pregnant and then after you're a parent. It's crazy. "Thanks for the advice..."

BookitBoo · February 2014

We actually got that response from ALL the family members when we let them know we're pregnant with baby#2. DS is 2 and I've been talking about how we wanted another baby for a while now, so it was pretty surprising to me that they seemed to think it was an accidentally blessing?

I just said "Yes, isn't it great?" I try not to let it bother me, but pregnancy hormones being what they are, I sometimes still get pretty angry about it.

babyd143 · February 2014

"Yes, God planned it"

stephanie123456 · February 2014

I'm actually telling people the opposite. DH and I planned this but I know his family will not react well to that (specifically his mother) so when we told them all last night, we said it was a huge surprise, but a blessing none-the-less. The only one who knows the truth is my mom.

JD83 · February 2014

I'm expecting to get that question since I was always pretty open about not wanting kids. But now that we're expecting, there will be lots of crow to eat. However, I still plan to be snarky about it and, even though this youngling was planned, I'd still respond vaguely with "Well, we obviously weren't preventing to hard." Let them work on that for a while.

chardonnay24 · February 2014

This pregnancy was not planned at all. We were OAD and had pretty much told everyone that. Anyone who is close enough to know how challenging my son can be will probably ask if this was planned. If they are a family member or friend, I really don't mind telling them that no, this pregnancy was not planned. Anyone else bold enough to ask can screw off. I can't imagine anyone who is not close to us asking that, but if they do, I will probably just say something like, "Wow, that's really none of your business".

rlyttle · February 2014

Unless it's your BFF asking, I would consider that very rude!! I would probably say something like "well we were having sex".

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns · February 2014

I had several male coworkers ask me this with my first. My response of, "Yeah, of course, but, wow, my mother would never even dare to ask something that personal," tended to put them in their places.

Psalm4610 · February 2014

I agree with many of the PPs that this is a personal question and you don't have to answer people if you don't want to. We are expecting our first LO after almost 10 yrs. of marriage, so believe me, I have gotten every rude question in the book. Do we want children? Are we trying? Are we having fertility problems? etc. Giving short answers and then changing the subject has seemed to work for me. If people ask if this LO was planned, I plan to say "yes" and leave it at that.

hfgiles920 · February 2014

I'm in a similar position. My husband and i have been together for several years, but only got married in September 2013. We are both still in school, but we're 25 so it's not like we are freshman or anything, but like you our plan was to take our time and my family supported that as they wanted is finish school before that next step. What I've been telling people is no it wasn't planned, but we are super excited! There is no shame in having a surprise pregnancy. Even if was planned, but you don't want anyone to know because you think they'll disapprove of the timing just say whatever makes you comfortable even if that's nothing.

Flowerchica · February 2014

It's totally up to you and how private you feel. I have no qualms telling folk - this was not planned! I am down to 1 ovary with all kinds of fertility issues ( which I'm not secretive about) . It's sort of neither here nor there if people know. After all - what would they do with that knowledge except say - WOW....

hpragolini · February 2014

I can't tell you how many people have asked if it was planned or if we were trying to get pregnant. Is an awful question to ask and an awkward answer to give regardless of the situation.

It's none of their damn business.

I usually say something like we weren't NOT trying or we let God decide when we were ready to be parents.

But i really just want to slap people in the face with a brick whenever i get asked that. How rude.

Also, we are married and in our late 20s so it isn't even "scandalous" that we are having a baby.

Ugh. Sorry. /rant

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