So, at the risk of flaming: here's my re-intro here.

kelleighxnicole · February 2014

I've had two volatile relationships with two BDs that has landed me into where I am today. I've posted about said problems before and gotten really negative feedback, though I understand how one could be judgmental about my situation, and am not trying to say I am perfect, but I just need some support, and I just ask if you have nothing nice to say please just disregard me.

I have 2 beautiful children w/ BD#1 (4y/o DD, 2y/o DS) and I have a 9 m/o DS & am pregnant with another (surprise gender still/18wks) by BD#2.

BD#1 & I were together for several years, high school sweethearts, my first love, the whole nine. He was an amazing guy, and even better dad. I found out he was addicted to painkillers in 2011, tried struggling through the motions w/ him, broke it off in 2012. Got into a relationship out of sheer vulnerability with BD#2 shortly after, became pregnant, and our relationship turned sour when he became jealous (for no reason because there was nothing to be jealous of) BD#1 & we fought a lot, leaving me a victim of Domestic Violence. Out of jealous over BD#2 and finding out about our fights together, BD#1 who was still trying to get me back and come back home and work things out despite ever fully owning his addiction/getting help -- filed for emergency custody of our two children last summer. He got it, based on allegations I was 'crazy' but I got custody right back, he got visitation, I was told to keep BD#2 away. This was conflicting for me because BD#2 wanted to be involved with his child, and with all 3 LOs living with me it made it difficult to keep him away (well, I could have but felt guilty doing so as he was being civil with me in his efforts to establish a bond with the baby.)

Due to the problems with BD#1 and his stability being so wishy-washy, we have involvement with DCF (CPS in some places), and they were helping us get services (daycare, counseling, etc.) In September, BD#1 found out BD#2 was visiting with the baby despite the fact we had it in our parenting plan for him to not come around, and he told DCF, who then allowed him to get custody of the two older children AGAIN because I was exposing my children to a dangerous man.

Now, BD#1 is using those children as a full-on power trip. He's 'offered' to come home many times, 'make things work', etc. He only wants to be civil on certain days, other days he's off his rocker. He is no better than BD#2, and has screamed at me in front of these poor children many times, just this past weekend during a visit he did just that, and broke pictures of mine, all over messages he'd seen in my phone. My visitation with them is unsupervised now (he had it supervised for a while to be further controlling of me, part of his way of trying to get me to break and take him back.) but now my van is impounded and I have to wait til pay day to get it out. He or his parents will not bring the kids to me, so I have to wait til I get it out to even see them, and it breaks my heart.

Before anyone mentions a lawyer I cannot afford one, not at all. I live on a very small income and am a full time student just getting by with the expenses I have. Legal Aid is trying to see if they can help me, still waiting to hear back.

Every night I go nuts wondering if I should cave and take him back and suck it up just to have my children, or just keep going to court hoping they'll hear me out, that he's a bipolar drug addict and that I was a victim of DV, but am a good mother who has learned from her mistakes and wants her children home. I love them dearly and do not want this to go on but without a lawyer I do not know what to do.

Because of my bad choices in men, I am labeled a bad mom, and I have long since realized my mistakes ..but I don't care about having a man, I just want my children. Having been in two bad relationships it took a while to find my inner voice and stand up for myself without a man beside me but I am ready to do that, and I just want them home.

I know it's complicated and messed up, but what would any of you do in this situation?

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

First things first. Hugs for you. It sounds like youve had a rough time, made some mistakes and are now trying to rectify them good for you.

Second, your a domestic violence victim. Is there a battered womens shelter near you? They perhaps might have the ability to guide you on how to best get your children back.

Third and finally, you are a strong woman, you are a good mom. No you are not perfect, yes you made mistakes. We all have. No one is perfect. Fuck anyone who has a problem with that or thinks they are better then you.

Finally welcome to the board.

kelleighxnicole · February 2014

I have been on this site since my first child and I have to say that is the best reply I have ever gotten.

I thank you.

I am trying, and working closely with the local women's center, I only recently found out about what they have to offer.

Problem I am having with all this: Domestic Violence is a terrible thing, no doubt, and I take responsibility for allowing BD#2 around after being told not to -- but I was trying to do the right thing in respect to the child he and I have together. I realize I should have not done that, but nothing I can do about that now.

However, be that as it may, how is DV worse than a lengthy heroin addiction? DV is, though not simple, easily addressed with: protection orders, support groups, therapy, etc. Addiction however is not that easy, especially heroin, and the statistics of that improving once you've taken that route aren't that great. I do wish BD#1 the best with his recovery but he lies, and I doubt he's doing as well as he claims to.

DCF/CPS have no issue with him, think he's practically a saint. Anything he says, they believe. It's so twisted, they got involved in my life *because* of him, now they are letting him use my kids as pawns.

I feel so terrible for my children because I know they want to be home and their lives have been disrupted, I am trying to save them, but I don't know how.

kelleighxnicole · February 2014

PS I suck at this signature thing.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

I understand where your comming from my xh was abusive and controlling and very good at making MOST people think l was the one destroying our marriage and cheating on him.

I say most because bd and my family saw right through him. Four about four weeks before i left my xh and got a restraining order bd didnt leave my side and didnt for several weeks after.

Btw im not a saint. Bd and i got shit faced about a week after i seperated legally from xh and well, bentley was cozncieved.

Im glad you finally got a helpful response. Bmb are hard for some single parents because we cant relate

jesuisfatiguee · February 2014

Ugh, that is rough. My ex was abusive and controlling, too. It's something I'm still coming to terms with, so good for you for thinking clearly through this mess.

As for your question, "What would you do in this situation" I'm really not 100% sure what you're looking for. Sounds like you're already working on getting legal assistance which is VERY important, so that is great. Another thing I would do is document everything. Keep record of every text message, every email, every phone conversation. Keep a recorder on you when dealing with BD#1 in case he starts verbally abusing you - and if he does, and the children are present, say something about it to get his response on the recording, as well. This will help eliminate some of the he said/she said crap and give you a little more credibility.

Your poor kiddos

Getting bounced back and forth from house to house can't be easy for them, either. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

kelleighxnicole · February 2014

Thank you, again. A simple post of just recognizing me being human & not a monster for having made mistakes in my character judgment means a lot. I have to say that the emotional abuse from BD#1 with his drug addiction & his crazy custody-battle endeavors along with using the kids as a means to get to me is breaking my spirit.

Part of me feels my only options are: Take him back, be a happy-on-the-surface family, wait it out until he gets locked up or takes off on a drug binge again, so that my kids are safe and home with me. Or, somehow hit the lottery and get a lawyer and fight to get the kids back in the legal system. I wish there were a third, easier, sensible option.

jesuisfatiguee · February 2014

It sounds like your third option is waiting it out while trying to find a pro-bono lawyer. I agree that reaching out to a women's shelter might not be a bad idea. They might have resources for you to get some help in that department. They also might be able to help you find some free counseling, which could help you keep your emotional strength.

I'm not sure how things work in your state, especially since BD#1 has already gotten the state involved where custody is concerned, but in my state, you have to include whether there has been any abuse, including verbal. If you're ever faced with an "easy route" that would involve less bureaucracy by lying about the abuse, saying it didn't/doesn't occur, DON'T TAKE IT. He clearly cannot be trusted if he's trying to use custody of your children as means to get to you. That is some sick, sociopathic shit. I just hope he treats the kids better than he does you.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

I agree with je+suise about seeing if a local womans shelter can help you find some free counseling. Remember your a strong woman your kids need you to be strong for them.

Remember you teach your kids how not only they deserve to be treated but how to teach others. Going back to your ex just teaches your kids they dobt deserve to be loved and respected as an equal.

I am curious i found your post on second tri about your anatomy scan and am curious what happened that a previous poster said you give young moms a bad name.

Im not asking out of snark genuine curiousity because it seemed like a harsh reaction to your post.

Gamera3000 · February 2014

Of course I just tracked down that thread. Sounds like people were mean to @kelleighxnicole last year and are now angry at her for referring to an anatomy scan as a gender scan. As if she's planning an infanticide if she gets results shes not happy with. That kind of pickiness is exactly what I can't stand about most of these TB boards.

There's a thread in my bmb where people went apeshit over a girl saying "perticularly" or some other kind if misspelling. Who the hell cares? Some genius piled on and said they hate the "misspelling" of "advice" as "advise". The latter spelling is British (i.e. more correct than the American spelling) and most English speaking countries spell it that way.

If this were bad girls club I would say bitch! Stop poppin off with your mouth and show me how you pop off with yo FISTS! Then I would say OH WAIL...you triflin ho, you triflin!

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

I love you @gamera3000

Also im mobile and FAR to lazy to track down old threads on mobile.

@kelleighxnicole sorry that you had a bad experience thus far hope our board is more enjoyable for you

tig594 · February 2014

Hello and welcome.

The bottom line is, everyone makes mistakes. Some are worse than others, but still. Keep working on getting your shit together and move forward. I know it's easier said than done. I'm still wondering what to do with my own.

After really thinking about your custody dilemma, if I were in your shoes I think I'd take BD #1 back for a couple reasons. One, I could not handle being away from my kid. If her daddy had her I'd be terrified he was out driving around drunk with her in the car. I'd also be terrified of what she was learning from his family. No way. No how. So, I'd put on a fake happy face and take the loser back. Then I'd document every single thing he does wrong and either kick his ass to the curb or help send him to jail as quickly as possible. I'd deal with that just to make sure my kid was safe with me. You are more apt to learn more of what's going on with him if he's under your roof. But, that's just me. Why pay for a lawyer when you can use the county's for free?

20thirteen · February 2014

Welcome! No judgement here, I don't think anyone on any of these boards has the right to judge anyone in a predicament they know nothing about. Please don't take any negative words to heart, some women feel that they can be bitches just because its the internet and they're (relatively) anonymous. So, fuck them.

I am not sure what I would do in your situation. I don't know how I would function if BD had controlling custody and I was left out in the cold. So I can see how taking him back would be an option just for your kids. However, the way he treats you is NO WAY acceptable. If you take him back, your kids will watch as he treats you poorly and maybe even mimic him. Or, they'll think that is normal and may repeat such actions when they become parents. I can't imagine how hard it must be to not be able to see them, but fight against him as best you can. He is NOT a good parent. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, prove to the state that he is a terrible human being and shouldn't have custody of your children. Get a little digital recorder, they're (at most) $30), learn how to discreetly record everything verbal. When you are able to get legal aid, have them listen to all audio and read all documents and have them throw it in his face in court. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU BELIEVE. Prove it to yourself. Prove it to him. Don't let him think he has any power over you.

Much love.

tig594 · February 2014

Just to confirm...BD#1 wasn't physically abusive, right? That was BD#2? #1 has the drug problem? If that's the case, he's going to do drugs where and when he's going to do them whether you're around or not. I just think it's better for you to be with your kids and protect them during the process. Who's protecting them now? It will also be easier to catch him and/or document the things he does because you will see it first hand.

You know what they say. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

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So, at the risk of flaming: here's my re-intro here.

Re: So, at the risk of flaming: here's my re-intro here.

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