New with a question

Re: New with a question

• Dr.Loretta member

  February 2014

  Hi and welcome.

  What you're feeling is perfectly normal, especially for someone who hasn't done a ton of research on adoption, especially open adoption. The thing to remember is that adoption is NOT co-parenting, and can look very different depending on the situation. And it seems like open adoption is just now being discussed.

  Open adoption, at its most basic level, mean all the parties know about one another. It can range from letters and pictures exchanged through a 3rd party (like an agency) all the way to daily chats and having each other over to dinner, and everything in between. And it often isn't really settled until you meet the e-parents and see where your comfort level is.

  I encourage you to do some reading and research on open adoption to see how it looks, and discuss with your partner where in the spectrum you would feel most comfortable. The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport is a great read. Discuss your concerns with agencies, as they will be able to give you realistic ideas of how it looks for the families they have matched.

  In our experience, level of openness was something we had to discuss as part of the situations we were open to. And we also followed DD's birthmom's lead. She is not someone who wants to have constant contact, or even exchange last names and addresses. While at times we'd like to actually have a closer relationship with her, we respect her boundaries. We have enough interaction that DD will know where she came from, and will have someone to talk to with any questions.

  I will not lie, at times it's going to be hard. If you become very close and need space, it can be hard to tell this person that you need to back off. If you aren't very close and want to be closer, it can be hard to communicate that without pressuring them. But I promise, it's so worth it.

  I hope you post often.

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• MagickalNarwhal member

  February 2014

  We have had a very open adoption for almost 2 years now. It doesn't feel anything like coparenting. The responses above are great. I will add that in our situation, we HAVE had to ask for more space, we HAVE had to respectfully and lovingly set boundaries, we HAVE had periods of wanting more closeness. It's a long term relationship and I'm not going to lie; it has been a huge amount of work. BUT, my friend who was adopted at birth in a closed adoption said something really powerful to me once - that I'm doing all this work right now so my kids won't have to.
  
  In truth, I love our kids' birth parents. They are family to me and always will be. These ups and down that we have the last two years are the first chapters of a really really long book. And I genuinely do consider it an honor to have this connection to the people that made my kids, you know? It's powerful and intense and beautiful and hard and magical and unique and so many other things at once. I would not change it for anything. Even if I do sometimes feel annoyed or resentful that it is more "work", esp when I feel like I barely have the energy to care for myself and my immediate nuclear family...but I have 2 kids under 2 and I know I won't always feel this exhausted!

  

  
  

  

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• MagickalNarwhal member

  February 2014

  Also, I want to add that some people just really do not ever feel comfortable with openness in adoption. You could consider international (though if I'm reading your post right may be limited based on you being a same-sex couple), or embryo adoption, or donor egg, or remaining child free. And those are all valid options. No matter what the research says or what other people's experiences are, if you just aren't feeling it, know that, own it, and go forward based on that.

  

  
  

  

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• lorifromwi member

  February 2014

  I'm an adoptee from a closed adoption. I've always known but didn't get to meet my b mom until I was 32. I can see both sides of the coin and open or closed...there will be questions and issues. They will just be different. Additionally as your child gets older their acceptance of things will change. For me and my family it was good I didn't meet my b mom until later...even though I would have loved to have known her and my half siblings for longer, I think it would have destroyed my relationship with my adoptive mom. In short find the situation that works for you and your family. There is no right or wrong.

   

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• maryoosa member

  February 2014

  @KezzRiv,
  
  Nice to meet you- there are a few of us who are in same-sex relationships here who have adopted.
  
  When we started researching adoption we knew folks who had open adoptions- that consisted mainly of exchanges of pictures through an intermediary of a lawyer or an agency. When we actively decided to purse adoption, we knew that we'd want an open adoption because we felt like that would really be in the best interest of the eventual kid- that they should have access to their birth family and should know them and know about them and the decision. We thought we'd likely be comfortable with a couple of visits a year, pictures, etc but no identifying information.
  
  Although we registered with an agency, we had a match come through our friends circle and the person who was looking to place a child was so similar to us and our families that once they picked us as the adoptive parents, things just kind of organically grew. We have been to there home many times, they have been to our home many times, we've stayed with their parents for visits and we text and talk frequently. Our post-adoption contact agreement- which is legally enforceable in our state - is for visits 1x per month for the next 18 years. (Our son is 6 months old).
  
  While our relationship has challenges,- we had some very intense and out-of-the-ordinary visits at the beginning- and setting boundaries now after being so close during our son's parent's pregnancy--- once the  revocation period was over, we didn't feel like we were babysitting. We feel like our son is indeed our son and that he has loads of families who LOVE him to pieces (mine, my partners, and his birth family).  That said, open adoption is way way harder than I ever thought it would be- but it's also amazing-someone created an awesome baby and they made the hardest decision of their life and somehow picked me and my partner to be his family! So I love them!
  
  That said- our agency required us to identify what level of openness we'd be comfortable with- 0 was closed and 4 was something like up to 4 visits a year with identifying information. So, we've exceeded what they set as the expected maximum of openness.
  
  I'm happy to talk more if you need an ear! Just be honest with your agency and take time to listen to other people's experiences- both that of other adoptive couples and of birth families.
  
  
  
  
  

  
  

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• plus12012 member

  February 2014

  I understand your feelings. I am an adoptee and I actually know my Bio Mom and still felt that way when we were first considering adoption. But, we found a balance with DD's B-Mom that works for us and all those fears are gone. We have an open adoption but, B-Mom does not know our last name, address or home phone #. She has my cell phone number and is welcome to contact me as much as she wants to. But, really she only does about once a month and we only get together a few times a year.
  I can't say I ever plan to have her over. But, I am prepared if DD ever expresses and interest in that we would definitely go ahead with it. Any thought of your LO not being yours disappears very quickly after you've changed about 100 diapers or stay awake watching them sleep because you just can't believe this little miracle is yours. All of those instinctive things that help you bond with your baby kick in and you know that they are yours.
  

  

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