Non legal parent?

Belovedvirgo0209 · January 2014

Hey guys just wondering if anyone else out there is a non legal parent? Our daughter Adasyn is adopted and my partner is the only legal parent to her.We live in Va and they do not allow same sex second parent adoption so I of course have no legal rights to her which totally sucks however I was wondering if anyone is in this situation? When I take Addy to the doctors I have to have a note written from Heather which is stupid because she is my daughter.When the new baby is born it will be the same I will be the legal parent and Heather wont have legal rights. However this is where our situation is kind of odd. Addy is white and i'm white so usually people dont think twice when I say she is my daughter and Heather is black and white so she does get looks and questions when she says she is Addy's mom and the new baby will be mixed as well so I think it will be easier on us both with the new baby however I just wanted to know if anyone else deals with this? I wonder how this will be in the future like when they go to school and things like that.I'm in the process of legally changing my last name so we all will have the same last name I am mainly doing it so I can ensure the new baby will have the same last name as Addy we didnt want them having different last names and we plan on getting married in either D.C or NY in the coming months however the state still will not recognize it.We of course had a will written when Addy was born leaving everything to the other and will revise it when the baby is born and yes we have talked about moving to a state that allows second parent adoption we just cant do it now while the kid(s) are so little we rely on family to watch them so we dont have to use public childcare.So basically I just wanted to know how many of us are there and how ya'll deal with it?

GoaliesWife123 · January 2014

I would contact an attorney in your area to make sure that you have as many protections as you legally can. You'll want power of attorney, wills, and even guardianship papers as an option.

Belovedvirgo0209 · January 2014

Thanks we had my cousin write up all the wills and so fourth to ensure we were both protected if something should happen to either of us.However with the current laws there is only so much we are allowed to do which sucks I'm hoping these laws will change soon with all the lawsuits being filed daily

KH826 · January 2014

I second what @GoaliesWife123 suggested. I am pregnant with our first, and we live in PA where there is 2nd parent adoption, but the adoption will not be finalized until baby is about 6 months old. My wife will be staying home with baby full time after I go back to work, and it is a major concern of ours to make sure she has as many rights and protections as possible in the event that something should happen. We met with a lawyer and we already have documents in place that give my wife rights to our daughter (even though I am still pregnant), and once baby is born, we will have even more documents drawn up to cover her in the 6ish months before the adoption is finalized. I cannot recall the names of all of the documents off hand (I know we already have Wills, Powers of Attorney and Living Wills). Once baby is born our attorney will load all of the final documents onto a thumb drive key chain for us that my wife will carry with her on her keys at all times. That way, god forbid she has to rush baby to the ER or something and I am not there, she will have electronic copies of all documents with her at all times giving her guardianship rights, power of attorney rights, etc. The documents that we have signed already say that should anything happen to me and I cannot make decisions, my wife is authorized to make medical and legal decisions for both me and the baby. Our lawyer specializes in LGBT family law, and she has said that these documents have been upheld by the courts in our area in the past, so we feel comfortable (or as comfortable as we can be) at this point.

At any rate, good luck, and let us know how everything goes! I think this is a very relevant topic for a lot of folks on this board.

ATXmommas · January 2014

We have the same docs drawn up as @KH826. We are in the adoption process right now, but the earliest it can be consummated is 6 months after birth. The paper we had drawn up while I was pregnant and redid after the baby was born (but before the adoption) is called Statement to Confer Standing - states my intention that my wife have custody of our son should something had happened to me during childbirth or between now and when adoption is consummate. I agree - talk to an attorney well-versed in LBGT family law. Sucks we have to pay for those protections, but certainly better than not having them.

Belovedvirgo0209 · January 2014

Thanks I will look into it.My cousin is a prosecutor and doesnt really know much about the lgbt laws in Va so I will look as much info up and pass it along to her. So right now we just have the standard will stating of something should happen to Heather Addy goes to me instead of her next living relative.It sucks during the whole adoption process the social worker was told I was the roommate lol

Belovedvirgo0209 · January 2014

Thanks guys I looked up a lawyer in Richmond and will schedule a meeting to see what can be done.

shelly2314 · January 2014

Florida actually allows for same-sex adoption now...which is a SHOCKER for me. So as soon as our little nugget is born we will start the adoption process for M.

I can imagine it being a pain for you guys to have to go through this. I agree with one of the pp when they said to get an attorney and get as many protections as you possibly can

redrockmama · January 2014

We talked with a lawyer about this a couple months ago as our state also does not allow 2nd parent adoption. There are a lot of options. One good thing is the VA same sex marriage case. That will be decided pretty soon and might make the whole situation a lot easier.

There are some states that allow 2nd parent adoption even if you don't live in the state....some hoops to jump through but worth it if you can do it. We are waiting to see what happens with the marriage case here in Utah. We are one of the 1300 couples married recently and are not sure what legal status we will both have as parents when baby comes in July. Depending on what happens between now and July we will get a 2nd parent adoption out of state if need be. Sorry that was kind of rambly.

As far as dealing, my poor wife is terrified of being the non legal parent. I know there is nothing I can say or do to ease her fears. I just hold onto the hope that it is a very temporary situation and know that we will do whatever we can do ensure she does have legal rights. Good luck.

Belovedvirgo0209 · January 2014

Yes i'm am hoping things will change.I was very bummed to learn the case got pushed back to sometime in Feb because of the snow

healz413 · January 2014

This is totally not legal advice or even about the legal situation as much about the social situation. Are your parents and Heather's parents supportive of your relationship and your family-building? (I'm sorry if you've said this in a previous post and I missed it.) If so, maybe you can do something--ceremony, document-signing, etc. with your two families where they voice their support for both of you as parents of both children and pledge to fight for the parental rights of both of you.
I know that one fear that non-legally-recognized parents sometimes have is that if someone happens to the legal parent, the legal parent's family would fight them for custody of the child/children. While a ceremony like I'm talking about would be unlikely to
carry legal weight, it might help to assuage some of those fears to have it publically stated by the families that you are both the parents.
I realize others have offered more helpful advice! But in the absence of legal rights, sometimes we can do certain things socially that do help.

Belovedvirgo0209 · February 2014

Heather's mom is mentally ill and her father passed away in 2011 she has aunts,uncles and cousins and 2 brothers as for my family i dont speak to my father and my mother i love her to death but can be two faced at times so honestly i'm not sure if she supports our relationship we usually only see family on holidays.We plan to marry as soon as the weather gets warmer its just too cold for NY right now lol and I found a lawyer in Richmond we plan on meeting with so hopefully that will ease our fears of us and our children so neither has to worry.Thank you all for the great advice

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