Speaking of baptisms/dedications, etc: Godparents

chloephoebecali · January 2014

If you have decided, did you pick someone that will help them grow in (your) faith, someone that is special to you, or both. I know in my faith it is supposed to be someone that will help them grow in the faith (regardless of Godparent's religion). It's just so drama-filled when it comes to picking some family members and not others, etc. Tia!

hollygb22 · January 2014

I'm protestant. We were not required to pick someone of the same religion. we spoke to our minister and we were very torn on who to choose. between DH and I, we have three sisters. Two are not married. We decided to use our 3 sisters as godparents. We decided if we had another child, we would do the same the second time around. A little unorthodox...but I didn't want to pick friends who we drift apart from in 5 years and my DD wondering who her godparents are.

temursgirl · January 2014

Both. How I define "raising them within the church" is that if I weren't around, or LO turned to his/her Godparents for guidance, they would make my religion available to LO, support LO if he/she wanted to be involved in the church (or not), and answer LO's questions about our religion (even if they have to research or google it themselves). Although I like my religion, will baptize LO, and do some religious activities, I don't require LO to follow it if he/she doesn't want to.

We are choosing people we are close to as Godparents who share our values but not necessarily my religion. But they are people we know would do their best to guide and support LO in his/her religious choices. They are not family members.

BTW, DH isn't Christian, so our views on these things may be a little different.

curlylocks3 · January 2014

Both. We've decided on three of the four, and they are people that are of our religion, active in their parishes to varying degrees. We are very close to them, but its also because we feel that they are excellent role models for our children. Some parts of our religion matter more to us than others and the godparents we have chosen I feel would emphasize those particular aspects.

lest12 · January 2014

Well... I don't want to say our choices are 'by default', because we are asking my brother and sister, both of who I feel would pass on the Catholic religion to our child and will take on a role of spiritual or emotional guidance in the baby's life, whether it is specifically about god or maybe not. I think a godparent is someone who can help direct the child's moral compass, at the risk of sounding cheesy.

I say by default because DH & his siblings are not Catholic, nor do they belong to any other Christian faith, so they cannot be godparents in my church. Ideally, I would have asked DH's brother, because I think he is a great person and want him to take on a special role in the baby's life and also because I think it would have been nice to have a sibling from both of our families stand up for us.

I think my brother will also do a fantastic job... I just would have split it up, if I could have. Does that make sense?

abastian00 · January 2014

I am not a person of any specific faith, nor do I think we'll be baptizing our child, but I am godmother to my BFs son. They are Catholic, so we had to fudge the system to get me in, but she really wanted representation from someone who has non-traditional faith and can be instructive as he starts to develop himself spiritually one day. It's a huge honor and responsibility - and definitely not something I would have thought someone would do! If we do some kind of ceremony, we'll probably pick people who can provide a range of perspectives to guide and support our child as they grow up.

lest12 · January 2014

@megk82 - I actually called today and double checked after posting in the other thread. My church requires at least one to by a confirmed Catholic (you know, received Confirmation, not just "Yes, I am Catholic).

They would prefer both Godparents are confirmed Catholics but will recognize the second Godparent if they are Christian but not Catholic (Protestant would be OK). Non-Christians, not OK.

DH and his siblings were raised Atheists. I already knew the answer but mentioned it to the Nun I spoke to, for shits and giggles. Yea, not so much! She shut that down right away.

DH is so great, I have to brag about him for a second, but I told him how bad I felt that no one would be up there to 'stand up' for his side of the family and he told me that my brother and sister were standing up for him. So sweet.

I do still wish I could find a way to involve them, though. If not for DH, than for my MIL. She is actually a Catholic but because of my FIL, never baptized her children or raised them in the church. I think she is mystified that DH is letting me baptize the baby.

lellymine · January 2014

We chose her godparents by who she'd be raised by in the event that we died.

coffee89 · January 2014

Crap is going to hit the fan when this discussion comes back up. It was put aside because it got far too heated the last time it was discussed.

DH mentioned his friends from college who just had their second baby. They had mentioned wanting to ask us to be godparents but I've got no clue if that is still happening. I'm not picking someone I'm not close to or someone just because "we owe it to them"

I want my sister (and ideally bro in law but I know he couldn't care less) but she isn't Catholic (but is Christian) so DH tried to put a stop to it real quick, eventually he realized how much it meant to me, even if it is just a ceremonial position.

I know we can appeal and all those fun things to have a parish accept a godparent that isn't confirmed. In our case a main reason would involve us moving away from all the people who are Catholic friends and we have no practicing family.

I'm not looking forward to this conversation with the Priest wherever we move to. The man who married us side eyed me every time I mentioned my sister being one of the two witnesses and the only bridesmaid in our wedding. He even asked if I was sure there wasn't anyone AT ALL I could ask to be a second bridesmaid.

curlylocks3 · January 2014

lellymine said:
We chose her godparents by who she'd be raised by in the event that we died.

Out of curiosity, since this is very different from our approach, do you pick the same godparents for all subsequent children then? Or would you use other criteria in the future (say you'd ask the first set of godparents to raise all children and pick other family/friends/members of your church later)?
If too personal a question just ignore me but if you don't mind sharing I'm interested as if we will be asking different people to be the legal guardians for both babies.

lellymine · January 2014

curlylocks3 said:

lellymine said:
We chose her godparents by who she'd be raised by in the event that we died.
Out of curiosity, since this is very different from our approach, do you pick the same godparents for all subsequent children then? Or would you use other criteria in the future (say you'd ask the first set of godparents to raise all children and pick other family/friends/members of your church later)?
If too personal a question just ignore me but if you don't mind sharing I'm interested as if we will be asking different people to be the legal guardians for both babies.

Not too personal. I'm hoping to space our two children 2 years apart but they'll have different godparents. This baby's set is our first choice to raise both babies and the 2nd baby will be our second choice if the first choice can't raise them for any reason. Whichever set of godparents aren't raising the kids will also be the executor of our family trust and be the go between from who has our children and the financial advisor who has control of our life insurance, investments, estate, etc. That way all money being spent to raise the kids will be monitored by another set of eyes that has our kid's best interest at heart. It'll keep everyone honest.

wtfisup · January 2014

We chose my young brother-in-law, though he's not in fiscally great shape. He is responsible and loving, and we have decent life insurance. We also know grandparents would help financially. We're non religious, and it is important to us that our child grow up that way: in a home where no belief is forced on her, but she is required to respect all. (We both grew up in deeply religious areas/homes and don't want that for her.) it's also important that she learn about equality of people regardless if sex, sexuality, race, etc. and understand how privilege and social systems work. Most importantly, it needs to be a healthy environment. Hence we chose him: for heart and mind.

lest12 · January 2014

I guess I'll clarify that godparents =/= legal guardians for us.

That's my parents. For a lot of reasons... not as easily explained as godparent choices, lol.

curlylocks3 · January 2014

@lest12- that's us too. As the kids get older we might switch legal guardian to my cousin or some friends but sadly we don't feel comfortable entrusting any of our siblings with that responsibility.

lest12 · January 2014

@curlylocks3 - we have 5 siblings between us and all I have to say is... I hope my parents or MIL is capable for a long time.

I really don't want to ever have the conversation with my sister. She's fine, it's her fiance we won't allow. Of course, I could never tell her that. So, godmother will have to do.

curlylocks3 · January 2014

lest12 said:

@curlylocks3 - we have 5 siblings between us and all I have to say is... I hope my parents or MIL is capable for a long time. I really don't want to ever have the conversation with my sister. She's fine, it's her fiance we won't allow. Of course, I could never tell her that. So, godmother will have to do.

Thats a very hard spot to be in, and no, you can't tell her that. We have different reasons for not being ok with H's siblings, but in the case of my brother its all because of his wife. Hugs, family can totally suck.

curlylocks3 · January 2014

lellymine said:

We chose her godparents by who she'd be raised by in the event that we died.
Out of curiosity, since this is very different from our approach, do you pick the same godparents for all subsequent children then? Or would you use other criteria in the future (say you'd ask the first set of godparents to raise all children and pick other family/friends/members of your church later)? If too personal a question just ignore me but if you don't mind sharing I'm interested as if we will be asking different people to be the legal guardians for both babies.
Not too personal. I'm hoping to space our two children 2 years apart but they'll have different godparents. This baby's set is our first choice to raise both babies and the 2nd baby will be our second choice if the first choice can't raise them for any reason. Whichever set of godparents aren't raising the kids will also be the executor of our family trust and be the go between from who has our children and the financial advisor who has control of our life insurance, investments, estate, etc. That way all money being spent to raise the kids will be monitored by another set of eyes that has our kid's best interest at heart. It'll keep everyone honest.

Thanks for sharing, that is very well thought out.

chloephoebecali · January 2014

We have my brother and sil for dd and my BFF and Dh's cousin for ds. The next "obvious" pick would possibly be my brother's new wife and Dh's bil. The sil was raised Roman Catholic (RC) is not religious and I'm just so so about her as ultimately being what I want for my child's Godmother. The Bil is a good guy, good Christian, morals, etc., but I'm still a bit burned that he and his wife overlooked me to be a Godmother for his dd. It would be one thing if it was sincere, etc, but they made up all sorts of excuses, etc, why I couldn't. I am easily more in my niece's life than the person they chose and I am a practicing Christian in good standing, etc. So, I could give a pass on my brother and sil for not being "active" Christians but still reasonably suitable Godparents, but I don't feel I should give a pass on someone that is not blood. Also, I know their marriage is a bit of a struggle at times and I don't know if it would last. As far as the bil, I know it is petty and I suspect we will still go with him. We are Episcopalian, so the rules are more loose than RC, but I want someone who I feel will be a supportive spiritual and religious guide. I'm okay if they ultimately choose something else (I did), but in their younger years I like the idea of having that Christian support. Lastly, our Godparents are not intended to be legal guardians if something happens.

misscarter87 · January 2014

I learned this with my 1st LO this time around i am doing things totally different!!!! Totally avoiding the drama!

kbellizio3 · January 2014

Our legal guardians and godparents will be totally different. My sister will be the godmother. In regards to religion she will be a good guide so to speak. Godfather is harder because I don't trust my BIL very much but we have no other male relatives, so it will probably end up being DH's very close friend because they are very similar personality wise and I trust him with my life.

Legal guardians for the time being will probably be a set of grandparents and then change once my sister is financially stable and able to take care of a child (she's still in college). The only couple so far his my BIL and his fiancée and he doesn't have the best track record regarding responsibility and I don't trust her at all. Especially since she's been very vocal about how she can't believe I want kids and how she'd only tolerate mine because she has to. (Thank goodness she lives in SC far away from me)

lest12 · January 2014

@curlylocks3 - it definitely isn't easy! Hugs to you, too. @mullenem - thanks. It is cool of them, especially DH. This was a big thing before we got married, because we were on such opposite ends of the scale on it, and I want to respect his beliefs, too... So we agreed to teach the kids to be open to all ideas on faith, even if they are catholic, and let them decide how they feel when they are older. Which, let's face it, people do no matter what. And not to presume, but maybe you can relate - DH feels like, even if he isn't Catholic, there is a lot of 'good' that comes with religion, and he doesn't see the harm in that. That was a bit off-topic, oops! Congrats in being named a Godmother

Susanbeth85 · January 2014

My husband is Catholic, so we will be doing a Baptism, God Parents, and everything else that goes with it. I was not raised religiously, so this is all new to me. At least one of our god parents must be catholic, the other just has to be baptized any religion. Since no one in my family is baptized, I will pick my close friend for godmother, DH will ask his Catholic best friend. However, these will not be the guardians in case something happens to us. We will either go with my parents or sister for that.

I am really hoping his parents offer to help pay for some of the baptizing stuff. My non religious parents already paid for a Catholic wedding, so they are off the hook! Of course I am willing to pay, but then it will be small and simple and they can't complain! No clue how many people we will invite...fewer if I have to pay for it!

babySchmidt · January 2014

Our daughter has 4 godparents :-) Only one is Catholic-my brother-and the others are Christian. We chose my brother and sister in law and a married couple of our dear friends. They will never have children and we wanted to honor them as they are good role models and lived "good" lives and they would be able to develop a good relationship with her because we see them 1-2 times a week. My brother and sister in law are, obviously, family, so she will always have them in her life. They live 5 hours away and so they see her much less. We felt it was a good mix of family and friends. Our parish just put 4 names on the Baptismal certificate and all four were able to participate in the ceremony. To answer your question, we chose the godparents based on both growing in our specific faith and helping her to blossom in life. For this baby I imagine we will ask the same friends and different family.

Jazznit1984 · February 2014

Ok so my family would call themselves catholic. But certainly not devout or practicing, outside of attending church 2-3 times a year. We all were raised with godparents but it certainly wasn't a strong religious thing or guardian thing. It was more of a mentor relationship. A special adult to bond with. I know a lot of people with multiple godparents who barely have a relationship with them. So I consider myself quite lucky.
DH and I would consider ourselves agnostic. Spiritual but we do not belong to any particular church. After much thought we did decide to continue this tradition and asked my SIL to be godmom of LO. She's very excited and so are we.

potterybygrace · February 2014

I am under the impression that a godparent encourages your child to have a relationship with God and prays for their spiritual well being. A legal guardian is who will care for the kids if we are to pass away. Any lawyers want to comment?

curlylocks3 · February 2014

potterybygrace said:
I am under the impression that a godparent encourages your child to have a relationship with God and prays for their spiritual well being. A legal guardian is who will care for the kids if we are to pass away. Any lawyers want to comment?

Not a lawyer, but at least my understanding of the Catholic Church is that godparents have no legal standing.

lest12 · February 2014

Not a lawyer, but I agree.

I don't see this so much IRL, but a lot of women/families on the bump jyst use 'godparent' to describe what we would call a LG, @potterybygrace.

curlylocks3 · February 2014

Also, has anyone ended up with a huge party after? Just wondering if I'm alone in stressing about this

curlylocks3 · February 2014

@mullenm: I wish I could describe in a few short sentences all the drama that I know will surround this, but I don't know how easily I can. Basically, H comes from a large, overly involved Italian family. We're still in the dog house for only inviting 160 people to our wedding 3.5 years ago, his sister still barely acknowledges me. There have already been complaints made that we shot down the idea of both our kids wearing his family's Baptism gown (aka changing it between the Baptisms) and instead saying one would wear the gown from his family and one the gown from mine. To avoid starting another family feud we need to invite at least 65 family members, a good number of which will legitimately come to it because we live out of town and this will likely be the first time they'd see the babies. And that 65 people does not include godparents or any friends. I love the idea of just doing a cake and punch reception and my family would be fine with it, but his would throw a fit that they traveled 8-10 hours and weren't getting a full meal, especially since the last family baptism included prime rib. I'm sure we'll find some way around it, but I'm just stressing in the meantime.

curlylocks3 · February 2014

MegK82 said:

If they expect a full meal, have it at a restaurant and tell them they can all order themselves some food and you'll supply the cake and punch for dessert. Okay, that's just me being snarky. But I hope you figure it out.

Thats nicer than me sitting here going....OK how late can I legit send out invitations in hopes that many of them will decide its too short of notice to travel?
Restaurant is definitely where it will be and have no problem setting up lots of heavy apps but don't trust my FIL to not order a bunch of extra. Oh yeah, and the bar tab. Because apparently its not possible to have an event without alcohol

lest12 · February 2014

@curlylocks3 - I'm the one from the big Italian family in our situation. We will be having a party afterwards (there is just no way around it with my family) and I did a preliminary head count and came up with at least 40 people. More with our friends. We will have to do food and the whole big thing... Although by the sounds of it, it seems like your H's family brings things a little further than my family does... I'm happy we are doing it in August so we can have it at the house and people can go outside, because 40 is a tight fit for our house.... DH wants to cook everything (he's crazy) but we will do some cold cuts trays and apps ourselves, and then my local place will deliver/set-up/possibly serve a buffet with things like chicken/ziti/broccoli, sausage/peppers/onions, pasta, whatever. Nothing too fancy but definitely substantial. We will have to buy plenty of booze, too. So, I'm stressing about it a little, because it's a lot to plan in the time frame I have... And we'll need to come up with some cash, and it's not like we don't have a million other expenses this year... but I try not to feel too crazy about that because I think people will give generously to the baby, which I truly appreciate. And, I am used to it so this is normal, and I think it will be fun to celebrate the baby. DH probably thinks we are a big group of insane people for being so over-the-top, but you know, he's dealing and we are making compromises on how to handle it, As far as your FIL goes, someone should tell I'm that he can order all the food he wants, if he wants to pay for it! I would have that conversation with my parents (nicely) if I felt like they were pushing me outside my $ comfort zone. Sorry my iPad doesn't do paragraph breaks!

curlylocks3 · February 2014

@lest12- its nice to hear from someone who gets it! My MIL actually told me to have the Baptism in their town (10 hours away, nowhere near anyone in my family!) to make it "easier for them". Hellz no. Its lucky you can do the party at your house- I wish we could but we just do not have the room in our condo. As for FIL- he'd have no problem paying for the food, he'd just then say only his side of the family could eat it! (Not mine or MILs). Seriously, its effed up. I need to not stress and recognize that H and I will find some way to compromise on this, that somehow it will all work out.

lest12 · February 2014

@curlylocks3 - oh, I totally get it! Not to say that "only" or "all" Italian families are like this, but there is a constant pressure of how we "have" to do things. The wedding was one of them, and I couldn't deal - so we eloped and had a post-nuptial party where I didn't care who was invited or what we did. I mean, I loved it but only because I took the pressure off. Anyway... I love the suggestion to have it there, lol... And Your FIL sounds like a peach

but really... There has to be a balance here, you know? I thought we'd have to rent a hall At the local yacht club and have all this catered food you know, because we 'had' to and DH brought me right back down to earth on it and I'm glad. Good luck with whatever you guys do and if his family gives you a hard time... Well, they might have to deal a little. Try not to stress... It's not worth it and we are in it for the long run with all of our families so this won't be the first or last battle.

dragonfly711 · February 2014

Hubby and I have not talked about it much yet but I have thought about it. Hubby is 1 of 6. I have a 1/2 sister.

Well for his side of the family, most of them are pretty selfish, his mom is in her 80s and needs a lot of help and most of his siblings could not even bother to help out. Especially the one daughter.

My sister is only 23, she got engaged and married 10 days later, told me at one point they were looking at apartments and then bought a brand new house instead, a little while later she was looking to adopt a dog, she said she was in no rush, 4 days later she had a dog. This past Sept she ended up actually having a huge wedding since the first time was by the JP. At this time she is just to into herself and materialistic things for me to even think of her.

I personally would like to talk to hubby about my best friend from high school, we are still friends after being out of school 22 yrs!!! She has 2 nephews that she adores, one is autistic and has major behavior issues. She does not have kids, ( wanted some but hubby did not, ended up getting herself "fixed" last year).

I just found out that she is moving to Ohio, I am so bummed BUT she is NOT moving until I have the baby, she has told me many times that she is so excited and since she can't have kids is living through me with mine. She just painted my nursery for me and surprised me with all kinds of Dr Seuss painting that she hand painted.

We are not very religious, I am Dutch Reform, hubby was Catholic but does not go to church. My friend is not very religious either, I am not as concerned about that as I am with having someone that would be able to watch my little one if something happend to us. I want to make sure that she would have a safe and caring home, which I know she would with my good friend.

Hubby and I will talk, I was going to see if he had a friend/family member that he would want for the godfather.

At some point we will discuss further.

I would like someone that would be in my girls life. My godmother is my aunt, I never see her she lives in a different state, when I was young I dont think she even really remembered my bday except for the fact I was born on her daughters bday. My godfather I have not seen in so many years I could not even tell you what he looked like. To me that is not godparents. But that is me.

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Speaking of baptisms/dedications, etc: Godparents

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