i think i finally found the right board (long intro, sorry!)

mmsweeney1 · January 2014

* warning - pregnancy mentioned *

Hi Ladies,

I'd like to join you over here. In July we lost our first son at 39 weeks because I developed acute fatty liver of pregnancy. It was completely unexpected because my pregnancy had been perfect and I was feeling great the whole time... until the end when everything went crazy. The doctors dismissed all my symptoms as typical 3rd trimester stuff, so I was not diagnosed until after he had died. Then in the hospital I rapidly went downhill because my liver and kidneys shut down. I had to give birth in the ICU and stay there for a week afterward. The beginning of that week is a complete fog for me.... even though I saw and held our little boy I can't remember anything clearly. (That's the worst part!)

Now we are expecting again and the doctors don't really know how likely this is to happen again, so we are pretty scared. Last night my husband and I started talking and somehow it spiraled into him telling me all the things he thinks I should do differently than last time. I feel like I tried to do everything right the last time, and there was no way I could have known this was coming! I know this has been worse for him in a way because he remembers every minute of the hospital clearly and he thought he was going to lose his baby and his wife in the same week. But having him voice things that I could have done better.... on top of the guilt I carry anyway... was so hard! I'm only 10 weeks along now and I know this pregnancy is going to be a long road.

Thanks for listening!

Mrodriguez898 · January 2014

My heart goes out to you sweety. So sorry for what happened to you but your Rainbow Baby and you will be fine! With pregnancy you never know what can happen but can hope that all goes well.
I lost my little one last week and as easy as it is to blame yourself, I know that I did everything right and that none of what happened was my fault. As for you, there was nothing you could do.
Your poor husband is probably just scared and thought it would be easy to voice thoughts to you. Just keep your head up stay positive.
Lots of hugs for you

bunnybun4 · January 2014

I am so sorry to welcome you here but glad you have found a place for support. Feel free to vent here as much as you want.

You may want to add a ticker warning to your title as some new loss moms will find it hard to look at a pregnancy ticker fresh off of their loss...there is also a PGAL board that you may find helpful with dealing with your new pregnacy...a lot of our pgal moms are on there, too.

again, I am so sorry you are here and sorry you are dealing with the rollercoaster of being pgal after a terrible loss like yours. ((HUGS))

MCH77 · January 2014

((Hugs)) Welcome and congrats.

Noethola · January 2014

***Siggy warning***

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.

One of the things that helped me, was realizing that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time (she was a very uneventful pregnancy). You did nothing to purposefully harm your baby. I know your DH is trying to be helpful, and its totally understandable how it can be hurtful. I had to switch things up this pregnancy, based on the information I have to work with now. That does not mean I was a bad mother or that I caused my daughter's death, but it sure as heck means I will do everything I can to bring this one home.

We are here to support you. I also suggest the PgAL board as another resource. Not many there have had a late term loss, but they are also a supportive group of ladies. When I feel like my post is late term loss specific, I post it in the title, and I get a lot of support. Big ((hugs))!

shandorfml2 · January 2014

So sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. GL with this pregnancy and lean on us whenever you need. There is a PGAL check in on this board weekly ((hugs))

cawettig · January 2014

I am so sorry for your loss, I was so heavily drugged for my grief at the hospital it's hard to remember things also. Like pp said the pgal is a great support board too. There are a lot of late term loss parents on that board and it's a great support group for all of our "pgal brain" craziness. Now that you know your history it should help a lot with this one. Also with being a late term loss mom it's harder with being pgal, you never feel safe that your baby will be ok until the baby is in your arms. Big hugs

Bayberry12 · January 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of you son. Please know you did nothing to cause his death.

I found it helpful to talk about my loss with my Dr. and with an MFM with my husband there also so he could hear professionals explain what happened, and talk about monitoring for future pregnancies. Good luck to you.

VyD81 · January 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss of your son. I hope you can find some comfort on this board. The guilt will always be there, please know that you did everything you can with the information you have for your son and it was not your fault.

I hope this pregnancy will go smoothly for you and You get to hold your Rainbow baby in August. Hugs.

Maybe Joleisa · February 2014

Men are problem solvers and I'm sure his intentions were better than how it might have come out. I'm so sorry for your loss and congrats on your pregnancy.

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