Struggling with this a bit

kaf7 · February 2014

So with having to travel back to our old city for my FET I visited several friends and ended up explaining in vague terms why I was there (I.e. To try to get pregnant with a FET.) I didn't go into details about our diagnoses. However, we then felt we should tell them it was a bfn and now all we are getting is that people are hoping for another miracle for us or to not give up hope because one swimmer might still make it through. I am really having a hard time with their comments though. Much harder than I anticipated. With a lifelong condition causing azoospermia that took 18m of injects to get any sperm we have ZERO chance of a miracle. It would actually have to be an immaculate conception at this point. But I don't want to be snarky and say something like that when they are just trying to be supportive. I just feel like crap about it all. Plus I had a mom at work today tell me jokingly to have my kids close together (sarcastically as she chased hers around the room) and I nearly lost it. Any suggestions of either what to say or how to cope?

TJ1979 · February 2014

Oh, big hugs kaf. There isn't a good answer here. For you, or for them. I wish you a miracle too, even though it's not really possible. But that doesn't mean I don't wish it was. KWIM?
A lot of people don't know anything about IF, so it's something they don't really know what is the right thing to say. So perhaps this is a chance to educate them? Let them know that it isn't possible, and explain that even though you know they are trying to be supportive it's really hard to hear that.
Sending more hugs your way.

Ruthie04 · February 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this! In all truthfulness, I think I'd say something to the friends. I feel like people need to be corrected when they say hurtful things so that they learn the power of their words. They don't realize what they are saying could cause another person pain and they won't until they are told. I'd probably say something along the lines of, "Thank you so much for hoping for some good news for our family. Due to our specific diagnosis, pregnancy is not going to happen without serious medical intervention. It is really painful for me to hear comments about a "miracle" pregnancy when I know it's just not a possibility." If they keep pushing the issue, I'd be tempted to get a little more blunt and specific about my diagnosis and what it took to get pregnant with LO.

I feel like this is a real teachable moment and maybe you'll help this person be a little more sensitive to another woman struggling with IF in the future. BIG HUGS!

PurpleIris30 · February 2014

Ugh - I'm sorry. Like you said they are trying to be supportive, so you can either smile/nod/ignore or I also think it's totally fine to say something like "I know you are trying to be supportive, but that's physically impossible and very difficult for me to talk about." Or something along those lines.

I'm sorry you have to deal with comments on top of the BFN.

Eve_Angelique · February 2014

I agree with @Ruthie04 as well. I don't know what else to say on top of that. So sorry that you are going through this. IF can totally suck it. Sending hugs!

jensahokie · February 2014

I have an OBGYN friend who is starting an REI fellowship in the summer and even she says stupid things to me...insensitive but well-intentioned. (BTW, I wonder about her...when I told her we had assisted hatching, she didn't know what that was). Chocolate and wine and determination!!

PennyLane26 · February 2014

Oh kaf I am so sorry. I couldn't imagine having to face the realities that you are right now, though I know that with our MFI that is always a possibility for us, too.

Ditto Ruthie that you just have to be honest with your close friends and family. My good friend who is struggling with IF emailed her friends and family a great article about how to support those struggling with things like this. I think she found it through Resolve.

You'll never be able to dictate what strangers or acquaintances say or question, but if one of my friend's was struggling the way you are I would want to know the best way to go about supporting him/her, even if the best way is to be silent and let you grieve.

And know that you have us any time you want to vent! I think this board is different than others in that we are truly friends. Love you girl!

kmc84 · February 2014

(((Hugs))) I don't have much to add except I'm sorry this is so hard right now. I agree with purpleiris30- I was going to suggest saying the same thing.

TJ1979 · February 2014

I agree with @pennylane26. I read that resolve article, it's really good. Maybe you could send that in an email o friends and family with a disclaimer that you know they all wish you the best, and you love them for it, but here's how to act. Bc they really just don't know better.

ccam · February 2014

There are lots of great suggestions above. And I've read that Resolve article, that would be something good to share. I guess it all depends on how much you're willing to put out there. I've had to bite my tongue so many times when people would give me their "advice".

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Hugs to you!!

Mayzie15 · February 2014

I'm so sorry kaf7. The first time we cycled we told close friends the second time we didn't tell anyone. The first time we noticed that after we received a BFN - people just didn't know what to say and really stuck their foot in their mouth more times than not. The only people that really understand were others that had been through similar problems. My favorite that I heard more times than ever was "you will get pregnant if you just stop trying" we have MFI and less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own - so that wasn't going to happen for us either

I'm sorry that others are giving you advice that at this moment you just don't want or need to hear - it's hard enough to deal with the BFN. I'm sending mobile hugs your way.

efhoping2010 · February 2014

I am so sorry kaf7, azoospermia is just the worst. Especially when you get the, you can try again, or maybe next month, comments.

Big hugs from a fellow azoosister

luvboston · February 2014

Hugs

imoverit · February 2014

Pp gave great advice on words to use. Hugs. Its gotta be really hard dealing with all of this and staying strong around others.

Mnerani · February 2014

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

The only other thing I'd say is that I agree- you can use this as a teachable moment...or not. What I mean is that it's not your responsibility to educate anyone, change their mind, help them understand, etc. You should certainly be honest about your feelings if you want to, but don't put any pressure on yourself to make sure they become more sensitive to people going through IF. You have enough to worry about, just taking care of yourself.

If you decide to confront them or send them the article, I hope they are super understanding. And if not, you always have us!

kaf7 · February 2014

Hi Everyone

Thanks for all of your supportive words. I truly appreciated all of the comments. I have continued to lay low (which is fairly easy being across the country from all of our friends) and decided not to go further into things for now. I just needed to be less rather than more engaged in it right now. That said if people start asking us more about it in the future I think I'll send on the resolve article. Thanks again everyone.

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