What to call Nana's Boy Friend?

Toni79 · January 2014

Ok ... so these are things that you usually decide on before your LO is born ... but for some reason we never decided on what DD would call DH's mom's BF! We asked all our parents before DD was born what they wanted to be called. And this was the only person we never came up with a name for. Now that she's talking and associating names with faces, we need to come up with SOMETHING!

On my side ... my parents are sill married and all the grandkids call them Grandma and Pop-pop.

DH's parents are divorced. His dad has been remarried since DH was 12. And he considers his step-mom another parent. He calls her by her first name. We call his dad Grandad and his stepmom Grandma. We're ok having two people named Grandma ... I had two Grandmas and if there was any confusion we would distingusish between the two by saying Grandma Last Name. Now, we could distinguish between the two by who their counter part is (Pop-pop versus Grandad). On a side note: DH's brother's teenage kids call DH's step-mom Grandma First Name, which I have a serious issue with. The first time I heard them call her that I was shocked. I will say that DH's brother is not very close to his dad and was never fond of his dad getting remarried. And his brother also does not live close. So sometimes I feel like them calling her Grandma First Name is BIL's passsive agressive way of dealing with things.

Anyway, DH's mom is Nana. That has long been established by the other grandkids. The other grandkids (all teenagers) have always called Nana's boyfriends by thier first name. (Same teenagers that call DH's step-mom Grandma Fritst Name.) Yes, there's an "s" on boyfriends! She was going through a divorce with her 2nd husband when DH and I were getting married (11 years ago). Since then, she's had several BFs. She has said in the past the she never wanted to get married again, so anytime a BF got too serious or wanted to move in with her, she'd break up with them. Anyway, she's been with her current BF for about 2.5 years. They moved in together almost immediatly when they started dating. Which was a surpise to us because she never wanted any of her boyfriends living with her! It was so quick that we learned, all in the same conversation, that she broke up with her old BF because he wanted to move in, and that she now had a new BF, who was moving in! WTH? Anyway, we like him. We're not super close to him or anything, but he makes DH's mom happy and that's all that matters, right? Anyway, in the past when we asked what DD should call him, they said whatever we wanted. I don't really feel comfortable calling him Grandad, Pop-pop, or any other name like that. He doesn't have a nick name that she can call him. And I feel uncomfortable with her calling him by his first name, like we do. It looks like this guy might be around for a while. Any suggestions on what DD should call him?

TIA!

vvvvvfee · January 2014

yeah, i say go by first name if they're cool with it.

my mom refers to her BF as "jimmy" or "uncle jimmy" to DS. my mom is grandma or ree ree (a nickname from her first name), and my dad is no longer with us, so there's no one going by grandpa. DH's parents go by nana and papa.

my mom's parents divorced a few years before i was born, and my grandfather subsequently remarried, and we just called our step-grandmother by her first name, dottie. so they were "grandpa and dottie" and my grandma was plain old "grandma."

SJandVA · January 2014

Hmmm? Tricky. We use first names in our family for aunts and uncles. Not for Grandparents. Except for Samantha call my Granmda "Grandma Mary". That was my Grandmas choice though, to help distinguish. The girls have 3 Great Grandmas and 2 Grandmas.
My only suggestion is first name or Mr. First name. As long as that doesn't offend them. But it sounds like that might not work because you aren't comfortable with first names. Is there a way to shorten his name to be more of a nickname but special because only your DD calls him that?
Sorry I don't think I'm much help.

Toni79 · January 2014

@vvvvvfee - Why "uncle"? Just curious.

I guess if they are ok with her calling him Dave, we can do that. It's just that when we asked, they never gave us an answer. I know we'll just have to ask again, and ask if they are ok with Dave. But part of me feels like its not appropriate for a child to call an adult by thier first name. I took me years before I felt comfortable calling DH's parents by thier first names! And I only started doing it becasue he called his step-parents by thier first names, and I felt weird calling his dad Mr.Harry and his stepmom by her first name!

vvvvvfee · January 2014

@Toni79 i dunno, this may just be a regional thing, but people sometimes refer to a non-relative friend of the family as "aunt" or "uncle" so-and-so when talking to a child. i guess it sounds slightly more respectful than just calling them by their first name.

Jeffreysmom24 · January 2014

I think it would be fine to call him mr Dave - I agree with you that first name alone in this situation doesn't sound right but Mr Dave is respectful and seems appropriate. Grandpa or some variation doesn't since they aren't married.

Toni79 · January 2014

@vvvvvfee - I got ya. I understand calling close family friends Aunt or Uncle ... we call my BFF Aunt Jennie. I guess I was just confused that your DS's Grandma is daiting his Uncle. I understand that is not the case, but I guess it would confuse me as a child once I started understanding what those words meant!

austenfan919 · January 2014

annieluvsjordan said:

I would say first name. I think that is appropriate. Before I was married in my nieces called me by first name, and after I was "upgraded" to Auntie first name.

Also, I don't see what the problem with Grandma first name is. I always had a grandpa, and a grandpa first name. DHs parents are cutesy versions of their first names that came out of the first grandkid learning to talk (ie. Grandma JuJu). I never thought this was offensive or passive aggressive in any way, I think it is an easy way to distinguish between too many people with the same name.

I understand the west coast tends to be less formal though and I have never lived not along the West Coast. For example I have never been taught to call someone "Miss First Name" or "Mrs Last Name" etc. Just how I grew up. I understand it, just not something I do or expect people to do. I am not offended when a kid calls me Annie, I think it is totally normal. Guess that would be yesterday's UO for me!

I also think Grandma First Name is fine and not passive-aggressive. I called my grandparents Grandma Last Name if I needed to distinguish, but my DH calls his Grandpa Don and Grandma Jean and I've never thought it was disrespectful.

I also am not offended at a kid addressing me by first name. My college BF's aunt, though, was a stickler for it. Her kids called him Cousin First Name, and she was stumped for awhile on what they should call me. I said just First Name was fine, but she was not ok with that. We settled on Miss First Name.

But to OP, for Grandma's BF, I think Dave, Mr. Dave or even Uncle Dave are fine options. Maybe you can ask which of those he would prefer. Maybe he just couldn't think of what options he was deciding between when you asked before.

Toni79 · January 2014

Thanks ladies! I think its interesting that most of you are ok with using first names so much! Even for "normal" cases for grandparents. Maybe it is a regional thing? East Coast ... grew up in Maryland. Growing up I called parents of my close friends Mr and Mrs First Name. But if they weren't super close friends, I'd call them Mr or Mrs Last Name.

DH was also morified that his brother's kids called his step-mom Grandma Lisa, so I know it wasn't just me. When we asked her what she prefered, she said she'd prefer Grandma over Grandma Lisa if we were ok with that. Of course we were. But that also gave me some insight that maybe she didn't like that they used her first name. She's from South Carolina, so maybe that's a no-no in the south! But who knows!

Jeffreysmom24 · January 2014

Maybe it is regional! I am from Louisiana and definitely think Mr or Mrs is more appropriate than just first names!

piphigirl · February 2014

Here are our grandparent names:

- My dad: Grandpa Last Name

- My mom: Grandma Last Name

- DH's dad: Grandpa First Name

- DH's dad's girlfriend: Her first name, which kind of sounds like grandma, which is nice.

DD just calls them all ba-pa right now.

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