4+ Kids? Should we have a fourth? (edited from SAHM)

NicoleWI · January 2014

I know it's ridiculous to ask this online b/c everyone's feelings and situation are different, but I am anyway. We have three kids. We *think* we are done, but are not 100% sure. I just turned 39 this week so if we want to have a fourth, we want to try ASAP. I just cannot decide and deep down I have trouble saying I'm done...but does that mean I want more, or just that I haven't processed truly being done? Argh!

DH thinks no, but he would go for it if I am sure. There are a million reasons not to--have to go through pregnancy/baby stage again, breastfeeding again (I have done all for a year or so but I think it is HARD and messy and complicated), COST of kids over time, risks going up as we keep getting older/being an "old parent," flexibility for travel, etc.; going backwards in freedom just when we are able to do more again. Going backwards for the other kids in terms of being able to travel together and do more "grown up" things. Managing school and activities down the line for FOUR kids.

On the other hand, I can't totally let go of the idea of a fourth so maybe I would regret it later if we didn't? I kind of keep hoping I would just accidentally get pregnant, which I realize is both crazy and unlikely. I would be FREAKED OUT but happy at the same time. This past year has been CRAZY which has made it harder to judge, too. We have been going through a long & messy move process and renovation/addition to the new house, with a 4, 2 and under 1 year old (now newly 5, 3 and 1) and I am just now transitioning out of my job. We felt maxed out. But in the coming year, I won't be working, and the house will be done, and DD will be in kindergarten & DS in preschool 2 mornings/week so a lot will be different. But I don't know at all how that "different' will feel for us b/c we've never been at this stage before.

If you decided to have four plus, especially as an "older" parent, how did you decide? if you already have that many, how did it go?

We already have a minivan and large enough house. I have been lucky and gotten pregnant easily each time, so if we "just see what happens" that would likely mean another baby, so we really can't just do that.

Any general advice?

rcbuko · January 2014

I don't have any general advice except to say that we decided to go for four and I still think we are slightly crazy for doing so. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and have a 5 1/2 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old. The two youngest will be only about 19 months apart and my oldest will be turning 6 within weeks of the birth.

My husband wanted a fourth when I was pregnant with our third. I thought he was nuts. I still think he is nuts. I was completely content with three children and thought we were done. We wound up having our first ever "oops" pregnancy earlier this year. It wound up ending in a miscarriage but for the time when we thought we might have a successful pregnancy, I became excited about a fourth baby and came up with solutions to all the fears I had about having a fourth. When we miscarried, I agreed to try for a fourth baby but would have been at peace had we not been successful. We decided to go for it almost immediately due to career concerns and general logistics. We were successful the first month and here we are.

I would be lying if I said I don't have any fear or anxiety of adding a fourth to our lives. My oldest two have become very easy lately and our third baby is walking and entertaining himself a lot. Costs have increased with each child and will of course increase with the new baby as well. I focus on the future where we will have a full and lively house of kids running around. I look forward to family gatherings in the future with my adult children and their families. I know that just like we have never regretted adding a third child to our family, we will never regret adding a fourth. We may have had a tinge of regret had we not tried for four.

With all of this said, DH will have a vasectomy shortly after this baby is born. There is no way I am letting him talk me into a fifth!

dannie2011 · January 2014

I'm pregnant with # 6 at 40, so I don't think either of you are nuts. The age gap between my older kids is huge though, so for me it was starting over when I had Alexis. They have a 20yr gap from the oldest and her and 14yrs between the younger two. My husband would have more but I'm done. I know my limit and this is it, I have no doubts about it.

kelley72 · January 2014

All I can say is I cannot imagine ever saying, wow I sure wish I hadn't done that- referring to having another dear child, but I sure as hell Can imagine saying, dang I wish we had tried / left the option open for one more...

Best wishes on your decision

lizok22 · January 2014

I'm wondering if we have time for a third~! hopefully all will go well with this pregnancy and I am 37 so I am trying to plan for one more. What is the hardest transition 1-2, 2-3, or 3-4 kids? So far, 0-1 was really hard but i think i have it down pretty well now. Wondering what 1-2 will be like???

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4+ Kids? Should we have a fourth? (edited from SAHM)

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