Depression/Anxiety Check-In 1/31/14

notthecheat · January 2014

How are we doing this week? Hoping things are better.

I'm doing much better. Its my first night back at work, and its going OK so far. MIL came over to watch LO earlier so I could sleep. It was all I could do not to run out of my bedroom when I heard her crying. My psych appointment went well. LO is still a bit fussy but much better since going on zantac.

SarahDavis83 · January 2014

I got on here hoping there's be a check-in, and here it is! This is my first...

LO is on Zantac for reflux and on Nutramigen for what the pedi thinks is a milk sensitivity. We made the difficult decision to go EFF and allow my milk to dry up because of his tummy problems. We thought maybe something he was receiving from the breastmilk was causing the problem. Besides, we had latching issues from the beginning and because of that, I also had supply issues. He did great his first day on Nutramigen (my first day starting the drying up process). Now today, day two, he's worse than ever. He is gulping, arching his back, crying and looking up at me like 'why aren't you fixing it?' I can't help but feel guilty for his pain. If my body would just do what it's supposed to do, and feed my son, maybe he wouldn't have all these problems. Just feeling so helpless, and I just want my little boy to feel good.

notthecheat · January 2014

@SarahDavis83 I'm so sorry! It hurts feeling like you dont know how to help LO, and seeing him suffer.

first, can you see if your pedi has an explanation for why he seems worse? Or can you get a second opinion and/or have you talked to a LC about it? Just thinking of having to figure this out while comforting a pained infant is tiring. You must be exhausted! FX something works soon

SarahDavis83 · January 2014

@sventurarn, I've seen multiple LCs, and nothing works. He latches, but its excruciating for me and I end up bleeding. The pedi doesn't have an explanation, but wants to continue the Nutramigen for two weeks. I don't know if I can take two whole weeks of seeing him in pain. They just said they want to explore one thing at a time. If he's not better in two weeks, then I guess we know it's not a milk intolerance?? I'm starting to consider reversing this drying up process and freezing some BM just in case. But I'm already not sleeping hardly at all because he'll only sleep if I hold him. Not sure when I'd find the time to pump. Ugh.

aundrea1225 · January 2014

Got into an argument last night with DH over our dog. He's been so angry all the time lately and our romance level is completly gone. I ccan't remember the last time he's complimented me. He even said he feels like he can't relax when he comes home because there's always stuff going wrong (dog acting up, baby crying, dirty house) and it broke my heart to know he doesn't like coming home to me anymore. I'm exhausted with constantly dealing with LO and a grumpy 24/7 DH. He thinks I just sit on my ass and watch TV all day. I feel so alone in my own house.

notthecheat · January 2014

emilysalley said:
@sarahdavis83 Making the decision to EFF was such a difficult decision for me to make so I understand what you are going through. They make it seems like BF should come so natural and when it doesn't we end up feeling like failures. Hopefully LO's discomfort is being caused by the switch and he will feel better once his system is used to it.

Does anyone else feel like they are two different people depending on how much sleep they've had? If I manage to get 4 hours in a row I feel great. But when I don't everything seems so much harder to deal with.

Yes! Especially when the reason for lack of sleep is stressful and still causing lack of sleep (I.e. inconsolable baby). This was me last week. I was sobbing to my crying baby who was up all night. Later that day I felt so much better and thought about how silly it seemed crying just because LO was crying.

notthecheat · January 2014

aundrea1225 said:
Got into an argument last night with DH over our dog. He's been so angry all the time lately and our romance level is completly gone. I ccan't remember the last time he's complimented me. He even said he feels like he can't relax when he comes home because there's always stuff going wrong (dog acting up, baby crying, dirty house) and it broke my heart to know he doesn't like coming home to me anymore. I'm exhausted with constantly dealing with LO and a grumpy 24/7 DH. He thinks I just sit on my ass and watch TV all day. I feel so alone in my own house.

It sounds like your H is overwhelmed/ overworked; that he's frustrated with the situation and not you. It sounds like he is angry from being stressed with so much going on. I wish I had some answers for you, but I would try not to take his grumpiness personally (easier said than done). He probably feels alone too. I'm so sorry you both are so stressed- I hope things can calm down a bit.

MissyC979 · January 2014

I've been having a tough week. I feel like I've been really depressed for one of the first times lately. LO has been so fussy and colicky and it's really getting to me. All the noise goes right through me. It feels like too much sometimes and I want to run and hide, especially when my four year old acts up while the baby cries. Also, my period started yesterday, so my hormones feel really off right now.

notthecheat · January 2014

MissyC979 said:
I've been having a tough week. I feel like I've been really depressed for one of the first times lately. LO has been so fussy and colicky and it's really getting to me. All the noise goes right through me. It feels like too much sometimes and I want to run and hide, especially when my four year old acts up while the baby cries. Also, my period started yesterday, so my hormones feel really off right now.

*hugs*

2010weddinggal · January 2014

aundrea1225 said:

Got into an argument last night with DH over our dog. He's been so angry all the time lately and our romance level is completly gone. I ccan't remember the last time he's complimented me. He even said he feels like he can't relax when he comes home because there's always stuff going wrong (dog acting up, baby crying, dirty house) and it broke my heart to know he doesn't like coming home to me anymore. I'm exhausted with constantly dealing with LO and a grumpy 24/7 DH. He thinks I just sit on my ass and watch TV all day. I feel so alone in my own house.

Me too

readyornot12345 · January 2014

Having a few hard days. Not getting any sleep and feeling so sick and havkng to force feed again. This is rough! I try to sleep when lo sleeps but can't seem to relax and my heart races etc. Told my dr about all this and therapist and they both said its normal because of sleep deprivation. Hopefully get some rest soon.

Caitlinh27 · January 2014

@mrssturm45 I'm really sorry your having to deal with all of that. It sounds like your husband is definitely really stressed out about something. Could there be underlying issues that haven't been addressed? IMO it doesn't matter how he is feeling, it is not okay for him to treat you the way he did.
I hope you get over the flu quickly!
**hugs**

Caitlinh27 · January 2014

I have been feeling really frustrated, but I'm not even totally sure why. The horrible thing about it is that I'm sure LO can sense it. I'm home with him alone all day until DH gets home around 6 pm. When he does get home he goes straight to LO (which I love) and spends the rest of the night kicking back because he is tired from work. I don't expect him to come home and start cleaning or cooking but when I'm the one with LO all day and all night, cooking or cleaning or taking care of LO are things I need a break from.
I try to get out and do something everyday but some days it doesn't seem to make a difference.
I am extremely blessed and I feel guilty for even complaining about anything.

azmama20 · January 2014

I have good news this week ... I know last week I was in a dark place, but I went to my OB and got prescribed Zoloft. I feel better just taking something. No more thoughts of harming myself or the baby. Still get super overwhelmed when she's inconsolable, but since going to the doctor, DH has been more hands on, which is helping. I too, also started my period this week which I can guarantee was a contributing factor to feeling so shitty last weekend.

readyornot12345 · January 2014

rfred20 said:
I have good news this week ... I know last week I was in a dark place, but I went to my OB and got prescribed Zoloft. I feel better just taking something. No more thoughts of harming myself or the baby. Still get super overwhelmed when she's inconsolable, but since going to the doctor, DH has been more hands on, which is helping. I too, also started my period this week which I can guarantee was a contributing factor to feeling so shitty last weekend.

Glad you are feeling better!! That is great news. I hope I start feeling better soon myself, it's been rough.

readyornot12345 · January 2014

Heaven802002 said:
I've been having a rough few days. My mom has been staying with us the last few weeks and we have a routine down. She takes LO from 10p-3a and I get her from 3a-9a. So I get a guaranteed 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It has been glorious. Well she ends up going out of town on wed evening and LO decides to act up. Crying from 10p-2a. DH and I get into a huge fight cause he says I never let him take his shift without butting in and trying to control what he's doing. He's right. I stay awake for his shift and mine because I'm a light sleeper and can't sleep while she's crying or he's changing or feeding her.
Yesterday I was alone with her all day until my H got home around 630 and then he took her until 10p, I was able to "nap" from 8-10p but really prob only slept about an hour cause I never completely relax. My heart races and my mind does not stop. Last night LO fell asleep around 11:30 til about 230. That would be fine BUT she grunts and groans throughout the night so I can't sleep.

Now here I am at 10 am with only 3 hours of broken sleep. I have cried this morning and have the shakes. I was supposed to meet a friend for happy hour tonight but I'm prob gonna cancel cause I'm so tired.

This fucking sucks! I need my mommy back! And probably some Zoloft.

I have this same problem with sleep and not being able to relax. It's brutal! I'm on 3 hrs sleep as well but that's better then the previous night of zero sleep. Hang in there!! Los will start sleeping better and we will eventually relax and sleep better too. The grunting and groaning too is tough for me. I need complete quiet to sleep and am not a good sleeper to begin with. So I totally understand!

utlawgirl · February 2014

emilysalley said:

@sarahdavis83 Making the decision to EFF was such a difficult decision for me to make so I understand what you are going through. They make it seems like BF should come so natural and when it doesn't we end up feeling like failures. Hopefully LO's discomfort is being caused by the switch and he will feel better once his system is used to it. This week was a tough one for me. I only got 30 minutes of sleep the night before DH's surgery and ended up being at the hospital from 4 am to 8 pm. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I sobbed the entire ride home. Being away from LO for that long was hard- I have a whole new respect for the ladies that have gone back to work already. DH came home today and I'm exhausted because he can't bend over or pick up anything over 5 lbs- which means I'm taking care of him, LO and the dog. Does anyone else feel like they are two different people depending on how much sleep they've had? If I manage to get 4 hours in a row I feel great. But when I don't everything seems so much harder to deal with. My anxiety and depression feels so much worse on those days. Fortunately LO has slept 6 hours straight a few days this week so hopefully this trend will keep up.

YES. This made such a huge difference for me, both times around. Sleep deprivation was a big part of my depression/anxiety with DD1.

I'm doing fine, pretty much. Juggling two kids is overwhelming sometimes, but I only have them both by myself for the whole day on Friday (DD1 goes to preschool M-Th). DD1 is having some jealousy issues when it's just me and the two of them, so that's a very, very good thing.

The actual baby stuff is so much less stressful this time around. I guess it's a combination of BTDT and actually having some experience/knowing things will get better and nothing lasts forever, plus the fact that I started antidepressants right after giving birth this time around.

In any case, I have my moments where everything is just too overwhelming (mainly when I have both a crying baby and a whining and/or tantruming preschooler), and I do have some anxiety around sleep, but that's much less than it was last time around. But I'm mostly doing okay. I'd say I'm coping about as well as a "normal" person would do in this situation, and that's a victory for me.

utlawgirl · February 2014

readyornot12345 said:

I've been having a rough few days. My mom has been staying with us the last few weeks and we have a routine down. She takes LO from 10p-3a and I get her from 3a-9a. So I get a guaranteed 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It has been glorious. Well she ends up going out of town on wed evening and LO decides to act up. Crying from 10p-2a. DH and I get into a huge fight cause he says I never let him take his shift without butting in and trying to control what he's doing. He's right. I stay awake for his shift and mine because I'm a light sleeper and can't sleep while she's crying or he's changing or feeding her. Yesterday I was alone with her all day until my H got home around 630 and then he took her until 10p, I was able to "nap" from 8-10p but really prob only slept about an hour cause I never completely relax. My heart races and my mind does not stop. Last night LO fell asleep around 11:30 til about 230. That would be fine BUT she grunts and groans throughout the night so I can't sleep. Now here I am at 10 am with only 3 hours of broken sleep. I have cried this morning and have the shakes. I was supposed to meet a friend for happy hour tonight but I'm prob gonna cancel cause I'm so tired. This fucking sucks! I need my mommy back! And probably some Zoloft.
I have this same problem with sleep and not being able to relax. It's brutal! I'm on 3 hrs sleep as well but that's better then the previous night of zero sleep. Hang in there!! Los will start sleeping better and we will eventually relax and sleep better too. The grunting and groaning too is tough for me. I need complete quiet to sleep and am not a good sleeper to begin with. So I totally understand!

I had this problem with DD1. We moved her to her own room at 3 weeks and we ALL slept better. If something like that is an option for you, I suggest you consider it. Also, the difficulty falling asleep and waking up early is a depression symptom -- it cleared up for me once I started antidepressants and never happened this time (I've been on antidepressants since day one). Just FWIW.

hjweber · February 2014

Anyone's depression/anxiety manifest itself as anger and rage?

I find myself being so angry. I primarily direct the anger towards DH and it isn't good for our already stressed marriage (had issues prior to the pregnancy that we attended couples counseling for). It's like the littlest things set me off; things that I should just let roll off my shoulders or things that should not even bother me at all. Like no matter what DH does or doesn't do, I'll find a reason to be angry.

I know the disruption in my sleep is a huge factor and not to mention, I started my period this week (no fair! I'm EBF and only 7 weeks PP).

I think a couple days into my period, my hormones MIGHT be evening themselves out because I think I'm starting to feel a little better. I've also started back at the gym so that helps relieve some stress.

I had my PP check up and my PPD score was a 9 out of 12 so the doctor made sure I was aware of that but didn't stress my score. I told OB I was fine and regretted that afterwards. I have a history of depression/anxiety and weaned off of my antidepressants with this pregnancy. I think it might be beneficial to my family and I if I were back on it but I hate the side effects. I guess it's more the negative effects I feel when I wean off of them that scare me and make me think they're dangerous. While I'm on them (after the first couple weeks), I feel fine.

I'm joining this thread this week and will check in next week. Hoping to start feeling better soon. I hope the same for the rest of you, too.

notthecheat · February 2014

mrssturm45 said:
Really rough night here. I've got the flu, had to have my mom come help me yesterday & it was my birthday. I asked my mom to come back today & she said she couldn't but would try to make arrangements for my grandmother too. Which is perfect. My mom came over last night & let us know she had everything set up for my grandma to be here & DH flipped. He told my mom not to make decisions and really hurt her feelings & mine. My mom & I had already discussed it. Then when they left he went off about everything with them. He told me he has to stand up for our rights. It's my family & if I need to say something I do. He can treat my family like shit but let's his dad cuss me & disrespect me and never says anything. My mom was bringing LO I'm (she had him for an hour) and just walked in without knocking.. That's how my family is & always has been, if we are expecting them of course. Which they always let us know. And 99% the door is locked so they knock anyways.. I told them we are a family don't knock. Well DH flipped about my mom not knocking with carrying our infant son in from the cold. He spent an hour yelling at me and telling me how awful my family is. My heart is broken. I spent my entire birthday night crying myself to sleep. He had made sure his mom would come to help today since he flipped about my grandma and my mom & they no longer want to help & his mom nails this morning. So now I'm sick with the flu with no help because of him. I don't know what's wrong with him. This isn't the man I married.

I'm sorry you're still having trouble with H. That is not OK. Has he had problems with your family before? Maybe something is going on with him and he is taking it out on you and them. Have you told him everything you told us?

Having the flu certainly just makes everything more difficult. *hugs* and I hope things get better

notthecheat · February 2014

Caitlinh27 said:
I have been feeling really frustrated, but I'm not even totally sure why. The horrible thing about it is that I'm sure LO can sense it. I'm home with him alone all day until DH gets home around 6 pm. When he does get home he goes straight to LO (which I love) and spends the rest of the night kicking back because he is tired from work. I don't expect him to come home and start cleaning or cooking but when I'm the one with LO all day and all night, cooking or cleaning or taking care of LO are things I need a break from.
I try to get out and do something everyday but some days it doesn't seem to make a difference.
I am extremely blessed and I feel guilty for even complaining about anything.

Don't feel guilty! You have a right to vent. Its good you realize the good things in life but that doesn't magically make life easy. We all have struggles. When DH comes home and takes LO can you use the time to do something relaxing? Shower, meditate, take a walk, call a friend?

notthecheat · February 2014

rfred20 said:
I have good news this week ... I know last week I was in a dark place, but I went to my OB and got prescribed Zoloft. I feel better just taking something. No more thoughts of harming myself or the baby. Still get super overwhelmed when she's inconsolable, but since going to the doctor, DH has been more hands on, which is helping. I too, also started my period this week which I can guarantee was a contributing factor to feeling so shitty last weekend.

So glad things are looking up!

notthecheat · February 2014

readyornot12345 said:

Heaven802002 said:
I've been having a rough few days. My mom has been staying with us the last few weeks and we have a routine down. She takes LO from 10p-3a and I get her from 3a-9a. So I get a guaranteed 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It has been glorious. Well she ends up going out of town on wed evening and LO decides to act up. Crying from 10p-2a. DH and I get into a huge fight cause he says I never let him take his shift without butting in and trying to control what he's doing. He's right. I stay awake for his shift and mine because I'm a light sleeper and can't sleep while she's crying or he's changing or feeding her.
Yesterday I was alone with her all day until my H got home around 630 and then he took her until 10p, I was able to "nap" from 8-10p but really prob only slept about an hour cause I never completely relax. My heart races and my mind does not stop. Last night LO fell asleep around 11:30 til about 230. That would be fine BUT she grunts and groans throughout the night so I can't sleep.

Now here I am at 10 am with only 3 hours of broken sleep. I have cried this morning and have the shakes. I was supposed to meet a friend for happy hour tonight but I'm prob gonna cancel cause I'm so tired.

This fucking sucks! I need my mommy back! And probably some Zoloft.
I have this same problem with sleep and not being able to relax. It's brutal! I'm on 3 hrs sleep as well but that's better then the previous night of zero sleep. Hang in there!! Los will start sleeping better and we will eventually relax and sleep better too. The grunting and groaning too is tough for me. I need complete quiet to sleep and am not a good sleeper to begin with. So I totally understand!

I can't wait to sleep better! MIL comes to watch LO so I can sleep during the day (I work nights) and its been hard to sleep when I hear LO crying through the bedroom door and all I want to do is go cuddle and soothe her. MIL has been doing a good job with her except she laughs at LO every single time she cries, like its funny that she's upset. I guess that is better than getting frustrated with her (like DH used to do).

Sleep deprivation just makes everything seem so awful.
ETA: sometimes it makes me cry but sometimes it makes me get snippy. @hjweber for me, depression just makes me feel helpless, hopeless, worthless, but sleep deprivation makes me feel overwhelmed and sometimes angry

Caitlinh27 · February 2014

sventurarn said:

Caitlinh27 said:
I have been feeling really frustrated, but I'm not even totally sure why. The horrible thing about it is that I'm sure LO can sense it. I'm home with him alone all day until DH gets home around 6 pm. When he does get home he goes straight to LO (which I love) and spends the rest of the night kicking back because he is tired from work. I don't expect him to come home and start cleaning or cooking but when I'm the one with LO all day and all night, cooking or cleaning or taking care of LO are things I need a break from.
I try to get out and do something everyday but some days it doesn't seem to make a difference.
I am extremely blessed and I feel guilty for even complaining about anything.
Don't feel guilty! You have a right to vent. Its good you realize the good things in life but that doesn't magically make life easy. We all have struggles. When DH comes home and takes LO can you use the time to do something relaxing? Shower, meditate, take a walk, call a friend?

Thats a great idea. Thank you

Caitlinh27 · February 2014

hjweber said:
Anyone's depression/anxiety manifest itself as anger and rage?

I find myself being so angry. I primarily direct the anger towards DH and it isn't good for our already stressed marriage (had issues prior to the pregnancy that we attended couples counseling for). It's like the littlest things set me off; things that I should just let roll off my shoulders or things that should not even bother me at all. Like no matter what DH does or doesn't do, I'll find a reason to be angry.

I know the disruption in my sleep is a huge factor and not to mention, I started my period this week (no fair! I'm EBF and only 7 weeks PP).
I think a couple days into my period, my hormones MIGHT be evening themselves out because I think I'm starting to feel a little better. I've also started back at the gym so that helps relieve some stress.

I had my PP check up and my PPD score was a 9 out of 12 so the doctor made sure I was aware of that but didn't stress my score. I told OB I was fine and regretted that afterwards. I have a history of depression/anxiety and weaned off of my antidepressants with this pregnancy. I think it might be beneficial to my family and I if I were back on it but I hate the side effects. I guess it's more the negative effects I feel when I wean off of them that scare me and make me think they're dangerous. While I'm on them (after the first couple weeks), I feel fine.

I'm joining this thread this week and will check in next week. Hoping to start feeling better soon. I hope the same for the rest of you, too.

My depression definitely causes me to be angry. Usually it is over things that shouldn't even be an issue. I wouldn't say that it's turned into "rage" though.
My DH definitely gets the short end of the stick on this sometimes as well. Sometimes I feel bad, sometimes I don't. Do you think you and your H would benefit from attending counseling again?
That really sucks that you started your period already! If it makes you feel any better I'm 6 weeks PP and got the Merena put in today so I'm stamping and bleeding pretty much like a period.
I tried weaning off my anti depressants at the beginning of my pregnancy and it was horrible. I was in a very dark place that wasn't safe for me or my growing son. I went back on and am still on them and I am so happy I am. I can't imagine what I would be like right now without them!
I encourage you to make another appointment with your doctor and really be truthful and let her help you. You and your family deserve for you to be happy and enjoy this time.

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