Community› The Bump Message Boards› Blended Families
Blended Families
New Discussion

what do you do with gifts?

mymoonmymoon
in Blended Families

I would like to know how all of you handle this situation I am having trouble with. This is my second Christmas as a stepmom. Last year, all of the gifts we got the kids (boy,11,  girl,8) went back to their mom's house. All birthday gifts went back too because we had not made our "rule." The rule is that anything we get the kids stays here, including clothes.   At the time, we lived in a small apartment and the kids did not have their own rooms. Now we have a house and they both have their own bedrooms. We have EOW and 1 day for a few hours per week custody.  We explained that they need these things here as well as at their mom's house so what we get them stays here. Truth be told, we buy thoughtful nice toys, books and clothes and never see it or the kids enjoy it again. Things get destroyed and thrown out at BMs, nothing is taken care of. BM is uncooperative and unreliable so asking for any assistance is impossible; she blames the kids never herself. The kids are usually in grubby clothes so we are trying to build wardrobes for them here because we never see the nice clothes we buy for them. This all makes me very sad.

How do you handle this? What about gifts from your husband's family? I would like all gifts they get from their Dad's family to stay with us. Am I being unreasonable?  We are starting from scratch with building rooms and wardrobes etc. I really would like them to have 2 homes where they have things to play with. What do you all do?

Report Reply to Post

Re: what do you do with gifts?

  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    This used to happen to us.  The kids have to fly here so with limited baggage, they usually only had a few toys and BM picks out HIDEOUS clothes.  Now that we have a house with their own room, all the gifts and clothes they get from us and my fiance's family stay here.  It used to annoy BM but now she's used to it.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • sweetsurrender9sweetsurrender9 member
    Our rule is that toys and clothes bought by us or our families stay here.  When SS comes to visit, his "mommy's house" clothes go into his special "mommy's house" container so that we know everything is returned to BM at the end of the visit, and we're not scrambling to replace something that's not-so-nice that came from her house with something brand-new or practically new from our house just because we can't find it.


    image

    image     image

    Me (34): MTHFR, PCOS, Endo, left salpingectomy due to hydrosalpinx, 
    hypothyroidism, low AMH (0.26)/normal FSH/average AFC of 12

    Him (33): No known issues

    November 2013-March 2014: Natural cycles
    April 2014: Clomid 100mg and Ovidrel trigger -- BFN
    May 2014: Clomid 100mg and Ovidrel trigger -- BFN
    July 2014:  IVF class -- Check!
    Holy crap.  Unmedicated BFP 7.22.14.  EDD 4.01.15.
    Best April Fool's Day ever!
    Now on Lovenox, prenatals, Vitamin D,
    Folic Acid, and Synthroid.
    Please be our take home baby.

    Report Reply
  • sabrina69barnessabrina69barnes member
       We keep everything seperate, including the kid's socks and underwear. It's a lot easier that way. BM used to get mad when the kids would come back in different socks or when they would lose a toy (happy meal toy) over here. We might change this when they are old enough to make sure that they leave with what they came with.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • IlumineIlumine member
    There is nothing wrong with keeping their things at your house.  They have two homes.
    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
    Report Reply
  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member

    One of my gripes about the douchetwat is that he only sends back the sh!tty stuff for her to keep. I know his family buys her alot for Christmas and it irks the piss out of me that none of it comes back here. But then again, we live 8 hours apart and he only sees her three times a year. You would think he would at least want her to get some use out of a few things. But no.

    I say you allow them to pick an arbitrary number of things to bring back with them. The rest can stay with you.

    p.s. expect a nice, long rant involving douchetwat and his gothy piece of the moment come tomorrow morning. trust



    Click me, click me!
    image
    Report Reply
  • mrscolleton2bmrscolleton2b member
    Everything the kids get from the BM come home...but thats only because they don't usually go over there. So I can't help! But the rule doesn't sound unreasonable.
    Report Reply
  • wendy29**wendy29**
    What I do is anything the kids get here stays here. And anything they get from their dad's stay at their dad's. Even their clothes that they wear to their dad's comes back to me. Thier dad and I have an agreement about this and so far its been working good. I try though not to have them wear their nice clothes to their dads just in case they don't come back in it
    Report Reply
  • MrsSledgeMrsSledge

    We have a good relationship with BM and her new DH, so take what I say with a grain of salt...whatever the kids get over here goes with them.  They haul stuff back and forth and bring clothes from their mom's house when they come over.  We live very close (less than 10 min) and the kids are old enough to pack themselves up to go back and forth.  Also, they spend the majority of their time with their mom, so it makes sense for them (to us at least) to take gifts, clothes etc to their mom's so they can get some use out of them.

    There are a few things that they have at both places, like bikes and hygeine stuff, but for the most part, things are bought fo the kids not for the house they are going to be at.

    Report Reply
  • Mrs.SesaMrs.Sesa

    There is nothing wrong with keeping things separate.

    When I would go back and forth from my moms and dads house...all the toys would stay at the house who bought them. The only thing that I took over and bought back was clothes. But I was old enough to take care of them and neither one of my parents was petty about that. 

    Report Reply
  • everloveeverlove
    When BM was in the picture...we would not allow anything to go over there.  She would take things back to the store and get the cash because she was broke.  She only had limited vistation so there really wasn't a reason for anything to go over there.  She's gone now so we don't have to worry about it.  I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
    Report Reply
  • taagenttaagent member

    We have the same rule, SD knows and understands this.  At some point, when SD shows she can take care of items we might change it but the last time we allowed her to take something from our house to BM's it didn't come back for almost a month and it was missing pieces.  I also have to remind her to bring clothes back, if she happens to wear something from our house to BM's.  We have her every other week so on Fri when we pick her up I will wash those clothes and then make sure she wears them the following Fri back to BM's. 

    We used to run into the same problems, BM would send her to us in clothes that were too small - we would buy new clothes and send her back and never see the things again.  It wasn't worth it.  It really isn't that big of a deal.  She has gotten used to it and when she does ask to bring things to BM's I tell her my concerns - which is what happened last time so she will not be allowed to do that again for a long while.

    Report Reply
  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    There is nothing wrong with keeping things seperate. I wish we could, but everything we buy SS goes back to his Mom's with him.
    She refuses to buy him decent clothes and shoes, and we do, so they always go home with him-never to be seen again of course. She also always sends him with clothes/shoes that are too small.
    What really irritates me is that the DSlite we got him is not "allowed" to come to our house. That really grates my nerves.
    Report Reply
  • RaeLipsonRaeLipson
    We just started letting SS (age 9) take toys over to BM's house. After this Hanukah, he asked if he could take a Wii game (he has a system at both houses), and an old Ipod. We just felt he was getting to the age where taking care of his stuff would be a good lesson in responsibility. We sat him down and explained that he was welcome to take it to his BM's, but he still had to follow her rules about using it, and if it didn't come back to us that was his problem! (We are not in a situation with BM where she would interfere with it coming back to us)
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"