2.5 year old hits

zhirsch · January 2014

My son started hitting and pushing other kids at 18 mo old. Since then it has gotten better and worse over and over again, but has never been close to gone. He hits me and my husband a lot as well. He's now 2.5 and I've been dealing with this everyday for a year. It's incredibly isolating as we've basically stopped going to playdates because I can't relax. It seems as though all of my mom friends have these calm children who are happy to just play nicely with each other. Of course there's a little toddler behavior, but not one of them hits or is aggressive toward other kids.

I know he largely does it for attention, as he makes sure to catch my eye before he hits or pushes another child and he hits me when I'm the least bit distracted. He will also hit me randomly for no reason, when we're having an otherwise nice time. It's so exhausting. I stay at home with him and he gets plenty of attention. I feel like I've tried everything to deal with it. Not only does he just hit, but talks about wanting to - he'll say "I want to hit mama" over and over. Again, he's probably just doing it to get a rise out of me. We don't spank (which part of me seriously thinks would solve this immediately) so my only recourse is time-outs which are hardly working anymore. When I mention a time out he just says "ok" and goes and sits in his timeout chair. It's not a punishment anymore.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for - maybe just someone to tell me that there kid was like this and it all turned out ok.

blu-eyedwife · January 2014

It definitely sounds like he's doing it for attention - and I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, or like you're not doing enough. Because it's not a quantitative thing. You can't say "well I spend X hours" because kids don't process in that way.

What is your immediate reaction to the hitting? I've seen friends "discipline" their kids by making a big deal out of something, and the child keeps repeating the behavior, because it's funny to see mommy/daddy jump up/yell out/make a face, etc. It becomes game-like. I don't know if you're doing that, but it might work to do the opposite. Without making a big deal, when he hits, you remove him from the situation, and quitely say, "We don't hit. Hitting hurts our friends/mommy/daddy and if you can't play without hitting, then you won't be able to play." And then leave (Take him away from friends and go home, leave the room if he's hitting you, etc.)

I don't think there's anything wrong with your child. You're not raising a serial killer. You have a 2.5 year old who has a very important job. He has to make sense of his world, figure out where the boundaries are. As long as you're helping him figure out those boundaries (and it sounds like you are) he's going to be okay and you're going to get through this.

SusieBW · January 2014

I don't think spankings will help, and IMO might actually make it worse, because then you're showing him that hitting is actually okay sometimes.

I agree with all of blu-eyedwife's advice.

It's been made very clear to my daughter that we don't hit. The times when she has lashed out and swung at anyone (me, DH, the dog, a doll, whoever), we immediately pick her up and carry her to time out, and say very sternly "we don't hit." We don't yell (well, sometimes DH does), but get to her level and are very stern about it. She sits in time out for two minutes and then we talk about why hitting is not nice and she is made to apologize to whomever she swung at. She went through a hitting phase for a couple of weeks, but we kept doing the same thing and she really doesn't do it any more.

I think consistency in you and your DH's reaction is important. Even if DD would go to hit one of us in the grocery store, we would immediately take her out of the cart and bring her to an empty spot down the aisle to talk to her and make her stand still and quiet for a minute or two. We don't actually have a time out spot in our house, we just have her sit or stand quietly in a different room from wherever her bad behavior happened.

I also wouldn't skip play dates over this. He's gotta learn, and he's not going to if you don't give him a chance, KWIM? If he acts out when you are at someone else's house, either take him to a different room and talk to him, or leave and tell him that because he hit someone, playtime is over for that day.

Good luck, and I hope that this phase passes for you soon!

ashiscute · January 2014

If you think it's attention based (which it sounds like) I would just give him as little attention as possible for doing it. If he says he wants to hit I wouldn't respond at all honestly. I would completely ignore him and then respond to the next thing he says. If he hit me I'd say "we do not hit" and walk away. Instead of putting him in timeout try just ignoring him for 2 mins and that being his timeout.

I agree about not avoiding playdates. That's the only way he'll learn. Just make sure that if he hits you immediately remove him from the situation.

I know you feel you have tried a million things and how frustrating it is but remember he is 2.5. He'll get better as he gets older and his ability to communicate and empathize kick in. Good luck.

veetveet · January 2014

I refuse to put up with hitting/biting/etc. If it happens, we are very stern and tell her it hurts, to stop and to say sorry. We also tell her that we will not play with her of she is hitting. If she does it again we pick her up and put her in her room alone for a time out.

We always advise what the consequences of her actions will be so she can make the choice.

It will get better!

hockeyjmm · January 2014

My son hits me, the husband, and our 7 month old son.... I can't figure out why he does it either. We will be in swim lessons (just me and him) and ill be holding him and he will almost always randomly hit me out of the blue (in the face). I use this example because he clearly has my full attention, and its just me and him, no baby, yet he still hits, its really annoying! I've done the timeout thing, I have tried reasoning, stern talking, happy talking.. etc etc, I've turned to ignoring it so then he gets no reaction from me (unless he hits his bro, then its to his room). Since then he has hit less, but still does it. So in short; Im pretty sure its a phase and we will get through it soon enough!!

smiling76 · January 2014

I've had both in terms of my kids- I had one that hit becuase it was a sensory issue--he needed that "input" in to his body, which meant bumping in to others, hitting, etc. Very tiring so I know what you are going through. I have my younger son who sometimes does it as a sensory seeking movement, but most times it's for attention or as retaliation for something he THINKS is happening. For instance, sometimes the way my older son talks to my younger sounds like teasing...and so my younger will attack him.

I know how you feel with avoiding playdates....in fact, at times I do the same still but it DOES get better. I agree with the others--try the opposite approach of what you are doing now. The other thing is -- is it possible he's in sensory overload when he's doing it?? Just a ton going on around him (touch, sound, etc)??

((hugs))

homediva · January 2014

So frustrating! You've gotten some great advice. My 2.5 year old occasionally hits me - usually around 4:30 when I'm focusing on dinner and he's hungry! Timeouts don't do much for us either. I think the advice to make it boring is great. Sometimes my son responds better to a favorite toy going into timeout. Good luck! It will get better!

QE2 · February 2014

My son is 2.5 and started pushing his twin at 16 months. Eventually it turned into biting, scratching and hitting. Time outs and being reprimanded make it worse and seem to make it snowball. He also goes through better/worse phases. There have been weeks where I've had to pick him up from daycare 2-3 times a week.

For us it's definitely attention seeking and goes beyond normal toddler behavior. Being reprimanded was giving him the attention he wanted. His attacks are unprovoked and he makes eye contact with me or his teacher before he does something so he knows we are watching. He's been receiving therapy with a developmental interventionist for the past 3 months since there's a family history of ADHD/Oppositional Defiance Disorder. We have noticed improvement with ignoring his negative behaviors and cheerleading his good behaviors. Eventually he realized he got more attention for being good.

When he bites/hits, I don't say anything or make eye contact. I bring him to a corner for a minute then say "teeth are not for biting/hands are not for hitting". He has since stopped biting and has moved on to spitting and throwing toys. Almost like he knows biting doesn't get the reaction he's looking for so he's trying something else. He has gone after a few friend's kids and I'm always on edge when he's around other children. I have also stopped giving warnings for other attn seeking behaviors such as throwing food/toys. He knows when he's not supposed to do something and giving him a warning was just giving him an opportunity to do it one more time. I now just take whatever it is away. It's exhausting!

I have also noticed his behaviors increase when he's tired, hungry, teething or coming down with something. Hope your son gets through this phase quickly, good luck!

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