New Here but need advice

brooke82308 · January 2014

Ladies,

I guess I lurk whenever I get a chance which isnt too often. ANyway I made an intro a few weeks ago but haven't had a chance to get on here recently. Anyway, have you noticed since having a child, your relationship with your spouse, partner, significant other has changed? I am having such mixed feelings about my husband, I am just concerned that I made the wrong choice marrying him. Since my son was born, I just see him in a whole different light. He isn't a patient person with our son. He gets frustrated and yells all the time and its a real turn off and I hate that my son is constantly getting yelled at. He refused to go to therapy (he fight about this all the time) and I am just so lost. I have no one else to really turn to.

Brooke

JackoftheBox · January 2014

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

I'm sorry to hear that about your H.
Have you spoken to him about your concerns? What does he have to say about his behavior?
My relationship with DH didn't change at all when DS was born. If anything, it has gotten better. He's also really laid back so he rarely gets angry.

If it were me, I would have a serious conversation with him, at night when DS was asleep. I'd let him know that his behavior is scary & unappreciated & that you do not want your son to grow up thinking it's okay to be so aggressive. Maybe he's so disconnected he's not aware of his issues? Is there anything bothering him outside of the home?
I'd try to get to the root of the issue & go from there.

This. I'm sorry your dealing with this!

Chapter79 · January 2014

How long have you all been married?
Marriage is work, every day. We did have some problems when our DD was first born, as it was a HUGE adjustment to bring a child into the picture. But it was worked through.. and we're going on 10 years. There were a few times I questioned it, though, in the beginning. Communication really is key, though, in any marriage. It's SOOOOO important.

I hope you stick around, and I hope things get better!

bridetobemo · January 2014

Having a child is a huge adjustment and even though we tried for DD, we really had no clue what we were getting into with a child. Don't get me wrong I love her more than life itself but she was a very high needs baby and it was exhausting. Hubby and I were both exhausted and like PP said I assumed he would know when I needed him to step in and I got upset that I had to tell him but once I would tell him, "hey I need help with this" he instantly stepped up, just communicate and take time for just the two of you after LO goes to bed to talk about yourselves

[Deleted User] · January 2014

Yes our relationship has taken a major hit since DS was born. We are still struggling. I've started bringing DH to my therapy sessions. I don't have any sage advice but if you want to comisserate or compare notes I am here!!

coastalmaine · January 2014

Absolutely agree. I find myself annoyed with DH a good portion of the time and sometimes I don't even know why. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't take things with ds seriously enough...like when he is sick ( preemie so we have to be extra careful). I am still trying to figure things out myself.

tazmm18 · January 2014

I can relate. Not in the exact same way but our relationship is different since DS was born. We just seem more distant and it seems like we spend all of our energy on DS that we don't have much left for eachother. Every day is get up, get ready, go to work/daycare, come home, make dinner, get DS ready for bed and then we crash ourselves. Go to bed and we do it all over again the next day for 5 days. On the weekends we play catchup on everything we couldn't do during the week. I am thinking it will get better as DS gets older which is why we are considering OAD because I worry about how we would be if we had a second. I also feel like everything is exasterbated now that we have DS. Things that DH used to do before that didn't bother me now do. I think it just comes with the territory. Anyway, he is great with DS and has more patience with him and for that I am greatful.

PB102012 · January 2014

I am mobile so I can't see a siggy you may have, but how old is your LO? We are just coming out of this stage with my DH. He had a really really hard time with the newborn stage and did a lot of the same things you are describing. It has gotten much better. Hang in there!

EMarieMe · January 2014

Oh goodness! I can't imagine things not changing a bit after baby comes!

First, I would think about the fact that some men are just terrible with infants. I know a few wonderful Dad's to toddlers who simply didn't get the infant stage. That said, if you are feeling unsupported, it's a problem.

Is it bad enough where you are ready to say "Divorce attorney or marriage counselor? You're choice."

Hubby and I are good, but we can be short with one another when tired or sick, in a way that we weren't before. Last night in fact, my husband 'changed the plan' so to speak and I became very bent out of shape. He was totally making the right call for our son, but I was sick and just stuck on what we were supposed to do. A few hours later, I apologized honestly. No sorry..buts. Just real eating crow, you were right, apologies.

Edited because my iPad no bueno for paragraphs.

kristennd · January 2014

Like everyone said, our relationship took a hit like they all do. I even read all those Babyproofing Your Marriage books to prepare and we still have trouble. But there are different levels.

DH, like someone above said, turned out to be terrible with infants. Which devastated him. He ended up in counseling and on meds; that's not just mothers. But now that LO is a toddler, that goes so much more smoothly and they have so much fun together. It looks like your LO is only a month younger than ours, so that transition is probably not the solution.

Specific to your concern about anger management, that was actually DH's parents. His father was always yelling. Frankly, the solution was that MIL threw him out. He wasn't willing to do counseling etc and she couldn't continue. All he did was yell, nothing physical, but that's still hard on both a partner and on a kid. And it really was traumatic for DH; he still remembers it. Good news is that after a year and a half, which did finally include counseling, he moved back in and all was well. And of course today there is less stigma around counseling and more men are willing to go before it gets desperate. But that is the sort of thing that tends to require professional intervention.

Good luck.

brooke82308 · January 2014

Wow! Thanks for all of the super advice! I am glad to know I am not the only one who has noticed changes in my relationship.
Anyway all I know is I need to do what is right for my son. I am looking into therapy and if dh wants I come great. If not then I am going for myself and he can live in his world that he feels is perfect!
I will try to get on as much as possible but it's hard to find time. It's great to know you are here!

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