Your thoughts, dealing with MTB.

MrsAy · January 2014

So my dear cousin is having her first baby at the end of April, ever since I found out she was pregnant I offered to throw her a baby shower and she gladly accepted. Right after the holidays I set a date with her (March 1^st) and I started planning so I could be able to mail out the invitations the first week of February. Some of the guests are friends of her and her husband’s family so I asked her if she could provide me with their addresses or phone numbers; a week passed and I never heard from her so I texted her asking if she had had the chance to go over the list and she said she was almost finished to give her another day, I said fine. Then 3 days later she texted me saying 35 people was too many people to have at her mother’s house (where we had originally discussed to have the shower) and she wasn’t sure what to do because she had checked out halls and other venues and everything was too expensive and NOBODY HAD OFFERED HER TO CHIP IN (???), by then I was so confused and I reminded her I had told her I would host the shower for her, but if she didn’t feel comfortable doing it at her mother’s house that I would happily have it at my house but we would have to cut down the guest list to around 20 people. So she said ok, I will downsize the list and will send it in a few minutes. Then 3 days later she texted me again telling me that she had been busy but she will send it the day after and she also said she didn’t feel right that I had to pay for the whole thing myself that she would like to pay for half of it, I responded that she didn’t have to worry about the cost of it, again I reminded her that I offered to throw it for her and that I was able to afford it.

So it’s been a week since we had this last conversation and I haven’t heard back from her, at this point I just don’t know what to do. Should I just go ahead with the planning and invite the few people we both know (family members) or just cancel the whole thing? I don’t want to wait any longer and I’m just over the whole thing.

I’m not sure if the reason she’s acting like this is because I got pregnant 3 months after her and maybe she thinks she is going to have to reciprocate, which I’m not even considering because she is going to have a newborn by that time.

Helenahhandbasket · January 2014

I guess she is possibly worried about reciprocation.

I had a similar situation with a friend-- she insisted that she was going to foot the bill for her shower. I actually had a heart to heart with her about it (with 2 other girlfriends that had offered to co-host) and she eventually "got it" and we hosted her shower.

If she insists-- I honestly wouldn't fight her on it. It's really not worth the aggrivation for you (being pregnant) or for her (also being pregnant).

Look, hosting your own shower is like a 10 on the tacky scale, but her due date is quickly approaching and it seems like anyway from the tone of your post that she might have some control issues. Let her knock herself out, and in the meantime, you get to go to the shower as a guest and sit back, relax and mingle.

Maybe this isn't the most PC advice, but there's so much other stuff to worry about while pregnant. Let this roll off your back.

KatFCo · January 2014

I would be upfront with her about it and say "I really need those names and addresses by X date. If I don't get them by that point, I won't have time to get all of this done. Is there something I can do to help you get it done?" It may not be a control thing; for the paying, she might honestly feel bad that you have to foot the bill. As to the not giving the addresses, is she usually flaky or is this unusual for her?

dufferoo · January 2014

When your attitude changes from excitedly honoring to annoyedly "dealing with" the MTB, I think it becomes time to rescind your offer. Just tell her you don't think the logistics are working out.

kimberpoo · January 2014

I agree with PP's - as the shower date is only 1 month away, tell her that if you don't have the names by X date you'll just do the best you can with what you do have, and then just invite immediate family/friends to keep your house from being too crowded. that way you still throw the shower (avoiding her not getting one at all or causing hurt feelings for promises broken) but you aren't stressing yourself out or having to foot the bill for a huge banquet-hall type shower.

MamaLlama14 · January 2014

Sounds like she's not telling you something (which is at least a little more tactful then rudely laying out her demands)... maybe it's that she's having a hard time cutting down the list or wants something else that hasn't been offered and is being standoffish to avoid it.

I would just simply tell her that you are happy to host the shower that you have already discussed, regarding location and number of guests, but would need addresses by X date in order to make it happen. If it's not what she wanted or can't provide the addresses by then, it won't be possible to get the planning together in time. Reiterate your position on what you're willing to provide and give her a firm deadline so you're not being strung along while she waffles.

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